Ready for another shitstorm of the latest Bizarro news gripping the world? Here you go:
- “A spooky clown has been scaring Northampton residents in full costume and make up.He is red haired and white faced and has appeared in several locations in the Abington and Kingsley areas.A Facebook page has now been set up for the clown called Spot Northampton’s Clown which has already achieved over 3,000 likes since it went live yesterday.The clown has proved a sensation on social media and has its own Twitter hashtag #northamptonclown.According to reports it has knocked on someone’s door and offered to paint their sills despite having no painting equipment.Let us know if you see it too”via Northhamton News
- “Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.”
via New York Post
- Florida is some Bizarro vortex, crazy random shit happens every day there. This asshole beat up a child over an argument about hard-boiled eggs. David Belson slammed the girl’s head against the wall, harmed his wife who tried to save her, and is now thankfully in jail. Domestic disputes get pretty ugly in Florida. This guy dumped a cup of tea on his wife’s head.
- Florida isn’t the only place doing some harm with hot beverages. A 61-year-old woman in Japan killed her cheating husband with a cup of coffee!
- Meanwhile in Florida, again, a man is arrested and found with a crack pipe inside his stomach. Ouch!
- That’s nothing though, Anal Mishaps: US Woman Stuck $5000 Cash in Butt, Filipino Jobert Sucaldito Recovering from Cucumber in Rectum.
- A Colombian woman was caught trying to smuggle cocaine in a fake pregnant belly. This was a new one for Colombian police but obviously it didn’t work.
- An artist has created an “edible opera” using biotechnology which uses a cool facehugger-looking helmet that creates edible algae from carbon dioxide which feeds the algae. “The singer has trained herself specially for this project so that she can further enhance her lung capacity to produce the best quality algae possible. The slightest changes in pitch and frequency can apparently determine the algae’s color, texture and even whether it will be sweet or bitter.”
- The blobfish has officially been named the world’s ugliest animal. I totally disagree. They’re cute and endangered too. Poor blobfish!
- In beauty news, a guy named Herbert Chavez dropped £4,400 on 13 surgeries to make him look like Superman. He now looks like an android which is pretty cool.
- In involuntary body modification news, this asshole tattooed his name on his passed out girlfriend’s vagina.
- A Chinese woman was attacked by a snake that was kept for 3 months in a bottle of wine. Sweet revenge!
- Scientists discover that a species of frog can hear with his mouth using mouth cavities. Gardiner’s frogs are one of the smallest species of frogs in the world.
- Peninsula instructors prepare youth for the zombie apocalypse. “Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic,” a graphic novella geared to teens and young adults prepared by the Centers for Disease Control, has the answers. ‘If you are generally well-equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse, you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake or terrorist attack,’ said CDC director of public health preparedness Dr. Ali Khan, who appears as a character in the comic book. The zombie comic started as a tongue-in-cheek campaign, but has evolved into a popular way to impress young people with the importance of emergency preparedness, he explains on the CDC web site.” You can read the CDC zombie pandemic graphic novel here.
- Talk about awesome finds! This German kid found a human mummy in a sarcophagus in a corner of his grandparents’ attic!
- 16 human skulls found near a school in Prague. The skulls were said to be from a “private collection.” Ok I want a collection of human skulls. Obtained legally of course.
- Iowa has issued gun permits for the blind. I think that’s cool, blind people need guns too.
- Man sets fire to neighbour’s house trying to smoke out wasp nest. That’s one way of doing it…
- In cryptozoology news, Swiss police are on a hunt for “Le Loyon,” a mysterious creature who has been spotted roaming the woods in Switzerland for over a decade. He is said to be wearing a gas mask, boiler suit, and cloak. “While he does not seem to be obviously aggressive or dangerous, police are hoping to speak to Le Loyon in an effort to encourage him to be less threatening.”
- Joker-obsessed fan stabs a man at the gym and tries to carve a Joker smile on his face when he’s arrested. He also posted “Why so serious?” on Facebook right after the incident.
- Don’t worry, Batman will save us! Batman and Captain America save a cat from a burning house.
Until next time Bizarros!
Too much crazy shit going on so I’ll just keep it simple and post the headlines and links:
- 70 year-old man rams 4 inch fork inside his penis for sexual pleasure, finds out it really, really hurts
- Woman turns up alive — almost two weeks after her own funeral
- Tourists’ shock as Morag of Loch Morar – Scotland’s second most famous monster – makes a comeback after 20 years
by Tracy Vanity
I just watched Poltergeist for the first time over the weekend. Maybe I saw it as a kid and just don’t remember. Of course that “They’re heeere!” part is familiar and the image of the creepy little blonde girl touching the static television is everywhere. I wasn’t impressed by it. It was too long in parts and just too E.T. and wholesome for my liking. I wasn’t surprised Spielberg was all over that project but for some reason didn’t direct it. It felt like he did. I loathe Spielberg films. It wasn’t incredibly awful but it’s not going on my Halloween movie rotation. You know what movie is on my Halloween rotation that sounds like Poltergeist but is a fuckton better? Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead!
Troma has been around for almost 40 years and Poultrygeist is the most critically acclaimed of all of their films. I can see why. Of course I love Troma’s purposely campy gorefests like Surf Nazis Must Die and the Toxic Avenger films, but Poultrygeist has something aside from the campiness, tits, shit, and splatter. Dare I say it has a message?
Sure there’s projectile vomiting, shit, tits, guy in a meat grinder, Ron Jeremy, and a chicken zombie apocalypse…to not totally spoil the film for you…but as The Guardian stated in a glowing review of the movie:
“Poultrygeist isn’t subtle. In one scene a rectum is ripped out and tossed on a sizzling griddle. It’s a wonderfully bold satirical comment on the chemical-industrial food complex that poisons us all, and one that forces us to ask why – in the 118-year history of the cinema – have we never been shown this before?”
No wonder Poltergeist sucked, no ripped out rectums! Not even a splatter of blood or a nipple! I can’t believe I sat though that shit!
By Sam Reeve
“I’m painter of Zombies and the Disturbed. Or Disturbed Zombie Painter… I forget which. These figures are contractions, beautiful and grotesque at the same time. They float through their worlds driven by craving, vanity, and addiction, caught in moments of comedic indulgence. They put themselves on display for the world as their bodies and minds slowly decay. This is how I see myself and most everyone around me. We are the Dead Living, but we sure do look good.”
Please visit Jacqueline Gallagher’s website here to see more of her work.
By Scott Cole
Recently, some Bizarro Central staffers gave their picks for filling that Walking Dead-shaped hole in your heart. Inspired by that post, I wanted to recommend the outlandishly fun and very weird Japanese zombie film, Helldriver.
Directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura (Tokyo Gore Police, Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl), Helldriver is just one drop in the current wave of hyper-bizarre films coming out of Japan, but oh what a drop it is.
When a meteorite crashes, and the resulting cloud of ash devours the northern half of Japan, anyone caught outside without a gas mask becomes infected. An hour later, they rise from their comas, sprouting Y-shaped antlers from their foreheads (which, by the way, can be ground into a powder and sold as a dangerous, illegal narcotic), ready to attack and devour anyone in their way.
Before long, a wall is built across the center of the country, dividing the relatively safe southern portion of the nation from the infected menace in the north.
But not everyone agrees on how the situation should be handled. There are groups defending the rights of the infected, and others who want to destroy them. Politicians argue both sides of the issue. Eventually it’s decided that the infected must be eradicated for the good of the country, and a woman named Kika is charged with leading a group into the north to hunt down and destroy the Zombie Queen.
Luckily, Kika is armed with a chainsaw sword, which happens to be powered by her artificial heart (her real heart was stolen by her mother, a homicidal maniac whose own heart was taken out by a meteorite that crashed through her chest, starting this whole mess). Her mother also just so happens to be the Zombie Queen.
Among other things, you’ll see chainsaw fights, various mutations, a samurai pincushion, decapitated cannonball zombie heads, a pregnant woman who uses her unborn-and-still-attached zombie child as a projectile weapon, a car made from assorted body parts, and of course a tsunami of arterial bloodspray.
It goes without saying that Helldriver is deliriously absurd, and a whole lot of fun. But it also stands as one of the weirdest zombie films ever made (at least, so far). If you’re in the mood for the undead, but looking for something Romero never conceived of, give this one a shot.
A hole has been left in many people’s Sunday evenings with the recent season finale of The Walking Dead, so we here at Bizarro Central are sharing our favourite zombie-themed media in hopes of satiating your lust for all things undead.
Dead Set – a BBC miniseries about a the zombie apocalypse happening and what happens to people filming a reality TV show.
Crossed – a super violent and sadistic comic series created by Garth Ennis and now a rotating list of writers.
Lollipop Chainsaw – a video game were you play a zombie-killing cheerleader. Written by James Gunn (of Slither, Super, and Troma fame).
Constance Ann Fitzgerald:
Zombie Honeymoon – because I love a tragic love story littered with dead things, a few jokes, and some solid gore.
Fido – zombies = pets!
Dawn of the Dead (2004) – because really, gore FX just keep getting better! And I loved Sarah Polly.
Zombie Strippers – I really thought it was going to be terrible. It was actually fucking awesome. Plus the world’s deadliest “ping pong ball trick”.
We’re Alive – a zombie podcast the just finished its third season. It follows a group of survivors originally from LA as they fight with some seriously scary zombies (and people). High-quality podcast with good actors and sound effects. Features smart zombies and mutated ones!
Zombies and Shit – my favourite Carlton Mellick III book. “Battle Royale meets Return of the Living Dead in a post-apocalyptic action adventure.”
by Tracy Vanity
If you thought unicorns were happy, magical beings they are. But they also come from hell so that makes them even more happy and magical:
Happy, happy, happy, happy…DEATH!
(Zombie Unicorn by ~Koeskull)
If you can’t get enough unicorn in your life (and who can?) then I highly recommend picking up a copy of Unicorn Battle Squad by Kirsten Alene. which is now available on Kindle.