by: Sean Noah Noah
Y2K came and went and pretty much everyone could agree that the world had ended, but nobody could figure out exactly how. Just days before, everything had seemed so certain: all the computers wouldn’t be able to change the dates correctly and they’d break down and take the public infrastructure with them. But the date passed and no, that wasn’t it. Something large and awful had happened, and civilization would never recover, that was for sure, but it seemed like everyone felt a different apocalypse break the world as the sun rose over a new millennium.
By midday January second, Alex and Annemarie were meeting by the water cooler of their old workplace, Alex dodging around the carpet in an effort to avoid the burned spots, Annemarie not even walking through the shattered front door. Neither of them drank any of the water. Annemarie claimed, as she leaned against the cooler, that it had been destroyed by the nuclear blast, like most of the building, and even if it were still standing it would be too contaminated with fallout to drink. She dressed head to toe in whatever rags she could find that looked safe, and she felt protected. Alex was bent over, sweating and wearing very little, saying that the plastic of the cooler had melted and the water had evaporated in the heat of the exploding sun. Jane Abbott pointed out from across the room, helpfully, that if the sun had exploded, he wouldn’t be alive to complain about it. Alex and Annemarie ignored her; both agreed she was dead.
Jane, for her part, was happy enough to be dead, and she went back home to tell Henry the good news. They were both dead, and they spent the coming months lying inert on their living room floor, big rigor mortis smiles on their faces, watching groups of bored teenagers matter-of-factly loot their house as their muscles atrophied.
Jake Edison, whose friends called him Eddie, was part of the fifth band to raid the Abbott residence, and he felt sorry for them. They were less people and more messes on the floor at that point. He asked his pals if he could turn them; he was pale and low on vitamin D because he’d spent no time out in the sunlight since the Y2K vampire apocalypse. His friends said sure, why not, and he bit each Abbott on the neck once, but they were long gone by then and he shrugged and said, mostly to himself, that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
People camped in their houses with guns and canned food, or came out of what they called rubble to share horror stories, but in the bigger cities, there was another group: the denialists, the naysayers, the Y2K truthers; the frustrated, confused, and angry who yelled at the world that they’d seen no apocalypse save the sudden transformation of all their friends into complete idiots. And as they marched through the streets with signs proclaiming YOU’RE NOT DEAD and GET BACK TO WORK, stepping over fissures and sinkholes like they didn’t exist, walking through fire and paying falling debris no mind, they were treated like the ravenous hordes of the undead. Or ignored.
Sean Noah Noah is a writer, stand-up comic, and graphic designer living somewhere in the Northeast. Want more? Watch this comedy set on YouTube, read another story in PLUS+, or follow Sean on twitter @SeanNoahNoah.
Send your weird little stories to email@example.com.
Watching horror movies is a staple all year for most of us and triples on Halloween. With all this extra horror film viewing comes the lists!
Most disturbing, best Halloween 80’s nostalgia, best ever period! Since there are lists galore of best horror films to watch, and do feel free to post your favorites on the comments, I wanted to compile a list of best horror porn.
There are loads of horror porn films out there, mostly parodies of horror movies.
With porn parodies becoming more and more popular, this is definitely not a comprehensive list of all the horror porn out there. These are just some of my favorites:
It’s that magical time of year again! And yes, Halloween is still awesome. Just like this Japanese zombie lolita metal music video:
To get you lubed up for the most fucking awesome holiday ever, here is the latest Cyriak short.
This beautifully fucked up music video from the aptly named Insane Films, should get you in the spooky spirit!
Enjoy these haunting gifs were created by Kevin Weir for his project, The Flux Machine.
Until next time Bizarros. Please feel free to post your favorite horror films, songs, art, and pictures of any cool Halloween stuff you see in your neck of the woods.
By Sam Reeve
For those who missed the announcement or have just stumbled on Bizarro Central for the first time, December is Weird Art Month. I started it two years ago to cope with this month because 1) fuck rain, which is all we get in December where I live, and 2) fuck Christmas and all its bullshit. A different artist will be featured each day, and together we can ride out this blackest of months on a wave of weirdness.
To kick things off I bring you José Luis Carranza, a young artist from Lima, Peru. His vibrant portraits are reminiscent of zombies or disease, but beautiful nonetheless. He’s been trained in the styles of many of the great renaissance artists, but luckily for us he brings something much different to the canvas. Visit his website here to see more of his work, but be warned that it’s all in Spanish.
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By Sam Reeve
My rating: 9/10
Have you ever spent any time observing sheep? They’ve got more personality than any other livestock. They’re like huge dogs, but way more awkward. They’re also cute as fuck and it looks pretty great when a huge swarm of them come running down a hill towards a bunch of screaming humans. Black Sheep is a horror comedy like no other. Zombie sheep? Yes please! Weresheep? I’ll take that too, thanks.
Fun fact: New Zealand is one of the biggest wool producers in the world.
We have little Henry, a farm boy who loves herding the sheep with his farmer father and living in the idyllic New Zealand countryside. After a terrible prank by his brother Angus, and the ill-timed accidental death of his father, Henry is left scarred for life and terrified of sheep. Fast forward 15 years to his first visit back to the farm since he was a kid. Angus has gone into agricultural science to genetically engineer sheep, but some experiments go horribly wrong. Now the sheep are infected and attacking everyone, all thanks to a do-gooder hippie who stole some infected waste. Can they survive the outbreak? Or will they succumb to their wounds and turn into weresheep?
Black Sheep is one of the best “zombie” movies I’ve ever seen. It’s seriously funny, very bizarre and full of surprises. The sheep are as adorable as they are terrifying, and the gorgeous backdrop of rolling green hills was perfect for this gory comedy.
Unfortunately I couldn’t find this one online, and resorted to torrenting it. I tried my best to upload it to Youtube and VK, but my internet connection kept failing me too. I highly recommend you seek it out. You won’t regret it.
Here’s the trailer. Give it a watch!
By Sam Reeve
Language: Urdu and English
My rating: 8.5/10
I loved the living shit out of Hell’s Ground. It’s like a more exotic, Pakistani version of House of 1000 Corpses, and with a few zombies thrown in for good measure. If you fail to see “Pakistan’s first gory film”, you’re a fool. Just look at the poster! For me it was love at first sight.
A group of five teenagers from Islamabad go on a road trip to see a concert. They get lost on the back roads as any horrific road trip movie goes, and run into all sorts of trouble: zombies with a ‘mysterious’ disease, a crazy shaman with a severed head in his bag, and burqa man, a psychotic killer who wields a mace. No doubt the van breaks down, decreasing everyone’s chance at survival.
Like House of 1000 Corpses or Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a bunch of the screwed up, evil characters turn out to be part of a big family. It was something I wasn’t actually expecting and it was an interesting twist.
There were so many things I loved about Hell’s Ground, including that its flaws were seldom noticed against the colourful background of backwoods Pakistan. The characters were standard, as was the acting, and you could tell from the beginning who the final girl would be. This hardly mattered when you saw zombies in saris, a killer in a motherfucking burqa, and heard the amazing tabla music that played during the most intense scenes.
I think enough of Hell’s Ground that I’ll be showing it to friends this weekend. If you’re not convinced yet, check out the trailer below. At the bottom you’ll find the full movie with English subtitles.
By Sam Reeve
My rating: 6.5/10
As the title may suggest, Juan of the Dead is Cuba’s answer to Shaun of the Dead. But other than being a zombie horror-comedy featuring a slacker duo (one of whom wields an oar, reminiscent of Shaun’s cricket paddle), Juan is entirely its own film. With plenty of zombie action, funny characters and a dash of politics, this is one movie you don’t want to miss.
Set in modern-day Havana, zombies start cropping up at about the 2-minute mark. The Cuban government claims them to be “dissidents” sent by the Americans to undermine the country.
Juan, the deadbeat dad hero of our story, is joined by his overweight roommate, Lazaro, and his son, as well as his own teenage daughter. With their apartment building’s roof as headquarters, they set up their own business as zombie killers who will rid you of your turned loved ones or neighbours.
The film has some slow parts, and the ending is surprisingly depressing unless you keep watching the credits, but it’s otherwise hilarious and entertaining. The makeup is quite good, and besides some cheesy-looking digital effects Juan of the Dead is a high-quality film with a great cast.
Below you’ll find the trailer, and you can watch the full movie online with English subtitles here.