Unfortunately, the story about Gordon Ramsay’s midget porn star double being eaten by badgers was an old hoax but damn that was one hell of a headline!
It’s been awhile since I’ve updated you on the weird shit happening around the world so here’s the latest Bizarro news!
- “Swiss Cheese Pervert arrested in Philly. I guess he couldn’t find another cheese enthusiast.
- Opera singer out of a job for farting too much. She’s suing.
- German farting cows cause explosion at a farm.
- Couple advertises their home as “slightly haunted” in order to gain more interested buyers but just attracts ghost hunters instead.
- Vice interviews a man who will turn your corpse into a diamond.
- Man crashes SUV into Connecticut gas station, steals banana, eats it, and leaves.
- Mysterious jelly doughnut rock found on Mars.
- “Man fights off shark, stitches up wounds and has a beer before finally going to hospital” priorities…
- Weird, glass, shrimp-like, fish found in New Zealand.
- “Boyfriend assaults girlfriend with steak sauce over ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’”
- Haggis causes bomb scare at Burmingham airport. That stuff does look pretty frightening.
- Havoc-wreaking goblin found in suitcase and scares the shit out of cops in Zimbabwe. It could be the Tokoloshe!
- Oklahoma man kills stepfather with “atomic wedgie”
- Man chokes girlfriend with his dreadlocks.
- Comprehensive lists of random shit people stuck up their asses and other orifices last year. “Lit bottle rocket, it didn’t go well” & “toy submarine” were my personal favorites on the list.
- Hitler’s toilet is in New Jersey.
- Florida man tries to rob a bank with his underwear on his head.
- Florida Man Fights Cops While Also Trying to Perform Exorcism on Son After Meth Makes Him “Abnormally Strong”
- Oregon man fights off 15 cops while masturbating. Yes he was on meth.
- Thai “Snake Girl” attracts tourists and online paranormal fans. She is real dammit! Just look at this photographic evidence:
Until next time Bizarros!
By Sam Reeve
Adrian Borda’s art is kinda of a mixed bag. There’s some beautiful fantasy stuff that’s nice and all, but the real gold is the terrifying and surreal subjects with huge lips à la Jackie Stallone. Seriously, this is what nightmares are made of. Visit Adrian’s website here to see more of his amazing art.
The good news is there will never be a shortage of Bizarro news…
- “A Tulsa man is facing a laundry list of charges for the second time this month — this time, accused of stealing a truck, escaping from a hospital and falling through a restaurant’s ceiling vent naked.”
- Red Bull heir runs over and kills a police officer with his Ferrari, skips his trial to go on “business trip.”
- UK police mistake Angelina Jolie, Daniel Craig, Tom Cruise, and Arnold look-alikes for IRL criminals.
- Gnome homes have mysteriously appeared in Kansas town. No sighting of gnomes yet but Kansas better be careful because gnomes can be fucking creepy.
- Retired lab chimpanzee wins $10,000 prize in a chimpanzee art competition. Contest was held by the Humane Society.
- Woman in New Mexico gives birth after being struck by lightning. Her baby girl is now called “little Flash Gordon.”
- European company invests $11 million to make robot cops. Sorry, robot technology is still not Terminator/RoboCop/Battlestar level yet. I’ll let you know when it is…
- Chicken swallows a diamond ring. Thankfully her nice caretaker will wait until she dies of natural causes to get the earring back.
- Canadian man swallows severed human toe at a bar in Yukon and had to pay a $500 fine and leave town since now the bar can’t serve “Sourtoe Cocktails” anymore until they find another toe. Adventurous drinkers would drink a cocktail of whiskey with the mummified toe inside and it had to touch their lips. As for the taste, one patron said: “The whisky was the only thing I could taste but the toe was like a leathery piece of jerky — with a toenail attached to it,” There are several videos at the link.
- Hot burlesque dancer sets off fire alarm with her fiery nipples during a performance, making everyone evacuate.
- Gang of drunk deer threaten a Swedish man and keep him from entering his house. Drunk elk are a reoccurring problem in Sweden because they like to get wasted on fermented fruit which are plentiful. They also get really aggressive when drunk.
- Meanwhile in Japan…
Until next time Bizarros!
Most of these sites are from the “golden age” of the internet and some are newer. They all have something in common, whoever created them wanted to scare you, make you go “WTF,” or even join their apocalypse cult. Enjoy!
1) Dong Ghost, a creepy Korean comic translated in English. Proceed at your own risk!
2) More WTF than creepy. It’s entertaining. Just keep clicking.
3) If there was ever a haunted site, magibon is it.
4) Official site of the Nike-wearing doomsday cult. Prepare for an internet time warp!
5) Occult magick fun. Abracadabra.
6) ” WARNING: This website contains both a hypnotic induction and subliminals and is both mentally and psychologically toxic.”
7) “WWYS® has been formed by a consortium of international companies – including leading financial and genetic research institutions – to create a product that gives you an actual CASH VALUE for your soul.”
8) WhatHappenedtoSarah is a great “clicky” paranormal site with high quality creepy vimeo videos.
9) Want the latest updates on the Loch Ness monster and other cryptozoology news?
11) Don’t worry, this won’t give you a virus. Internet on speed. Keep clicking.
Now I’m feeling nostalgic.
Why does Sean Connery get a mention on Bizarro Central? Because he starred in the wonderfully bad and bizarre movie Zardoz. Watch the trailer below (you won’t regret it).
Here’s the latest Bizarro breaking news! Hot off the internet!
The alert came after a fisherman in the Oresund Sound last week retrieved a 21 centimetre pacu – a relative of the piranha that is most commonly found in the Amazon region.
“Keep your swimwear on if you’re bathing in the Sound these days – maybe there are more out there!” cautioned the National History Museum in neighbouring Denmark.
The freshwater fish, which can grow up to 90 centimetres and weigh up to 25 kilogrammes, has been nicknamed the “ball cutter” for its attacks on the male genitalia.
In areas where pacus proliferate, fishermen have reportedly bled to death after losing their testicles to the fish’s crushing jaws.
A Chinese man was drunk, watching most likely Genki porn, and thought it would be a good idea to stick a 20-inch eel up his ass to get off. The eel reportedly chewed through the guy’s colon and died. Oh yeah and the doctor having to deal with that shit blogged about it.
“The defendant then leaves his friend and goes to the opposite side of the aisle. He pulls down the zip of his trousers and is seen on CCTV to urinate on the whole display of Coke bottles. He then does up his trousers and wipes his hands on his trousers and goes back to his friend,” she said.
She said the pair then went to the checkout and paid for their cider.
“The items are not able to be resold, because they are completey soaked in urine,” she said.
Matt Henson, representing Goldring, of Third Avenue in Clase, said his client suffered from severe sciatica and the medication he was taking to deal with the pain often meant he regularly needed the toilet.
Hong Kong is a vibrant city chock-full of people — so much so that the quality of life for those at the bottom tier is atrocious. And I’m not talking about, “Oh my goodness, I have to share a bathroom with my brother and sister.” I’m talking about up to 18 strangers being smashed into a tiny 625 square foot flat with just one toilet to share.
One such former cage-dweller is Chau Kam-chuen. Mr. Kam-chuen used to be one of over 400,000 working poor who paid approximately $167.6 USD to live in such an environment. According to him, it’s extremely uncomfortable, especially if you get the top bunk: “You hit your head on the ceiling.”
The way it works is that a flat is chosen and then partitioned into multiple cubicles, each composed of wooden planks and wire mesh. Each cubicle then becomes home to one resident.
The original pine casket that held the body of Lee Harvey Oswald from his burial on November 25, 1963 until his exhumation on October 4, 1981 will be auctioned on Thursday, December 16, 2010 by Nate D. Sanders Auctions.
On Saturday, December 11, 2010, I took a nap in it.
This might, were I a collector of profound means, be considered a Special, Private Preview Showing. But since I am not a collector of profound or even shallow means nor have any intention of bidding on Oswald’s temporarily permanent original resting box, a reasonable person might ask, What the JFK?
Though I felt it might be an interesting way to get into the holiday spirit, a pre-Christmas gift to myself, me stuffed into Oswald’s post-mortum pine stocking, the motivation was simply, as Hilary said of Everest, “Because it was there.”
It was there, before me, after I accepted an invitation to view it and had the nerve to ask if I could get an insider’s look. The possibility was irresistible. The request graciously accepted, I prepared for bedtime; I took out a book to read, a rare book.
- The BIGGEST breaking news is that behind-the-scenes footage of “The Day The Clown Cried” has just surfaced!
This is the holy grail of unseen footage. Many rumors have circulated about why a movies with Jerry Lee Lewis dressed as a clown in a concentration camp never saw the light of day. Only 7 people in the world have seen the film, including Harry Shearer who talked about it on Howard Stern.
Here is the leaked footage. Hopefully it doesn’t get taken down.
You can also read the entire script here. It’s incredible.
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a Bizarro news roundup. Lots of weird shit has been going on as usual so here’s a summary of what’s been happening:
- Exotic snake kills two boys in Canada. An African rock python escaped from his enclosure and killed two boys who were asleep inside an apartment above a pet store where the snake was being kept illegally. The python has since been put down by a veterinarian and the owners of the pet store have received a wave of negative backlash from the public. African rock pythons are one of the largest species of snakes in the world but attacks on humans are rare.
- Last month in Australia, police were investigating a pawn shop burglary only to find a 19-foot python hiding behind some clothes.
“Its head was the size of a small dog,” Auld said. “It must have been hiding when we went there the first time.”
Authorities believe the snake fell into the charity store through the roof, which was damaged in a storm several years earlier. It fell inside, knocking items over, and then relieved itself on the floor.
A snake handler was called in to dispose of the reptile, which weighed nearly 38 pounds. It was then released back into the wild.
“In this undated photo released by Anthony Martin, escape artist Anthony Martin of Sheboygan, Wis., escapes from a wooden box that was locked and pushed out of a plane at 13,500 feet in August 1988, in Sandwich, Ill. On Tuesday, Aug. 6, 2013, the escape artist will lay inside a plywood box that is subsequently shoved out of an airplane at 14,500 feet to the sky over Serena in northern Illinois, with his hands cuffed to a belt around his waist and his right arm chained to the inside of the box. Photo: Courtesy Of Anthony Martin”
- A pentagram has been discovered in a Google Maps shot of an area in Kazakhstan. There is a logical explanation:
Though it’s difficult to discern from an aerial photograph exactly what the Kazakh pentagram is, Emma Usmanova, an archaeologist with years of experience working in the Lisakovsk area, has an answer.“It is the outline of a park made in the form of a star,” Usmanova told LiveScience. The star was a popular symbol during the Soviet era (Kazakhstan was a part of the former Soviet Union until its dissolution in 1991). Stars were often used throughout the Soviet Union to decorate building facades, flags and monuments. (Several online comments had suggested the star shape was the abandoned site of a Soviet-era lakeside campground.)The star in the Soviet-era lakeside park is marked by roadways that are now lined with trees, Usmanova explained, which make the star shape even more distinct in aerial photos. Additional images of the site, now abandoned and overgrown with weeds, can be seen at englishrussia.com.
- A 12-year-old girl took a swim in a lake Arkansas and became infected with a rare, brain-eating parasite.
“The 12-year-old Arkansas girl who was infected with a rare brain-eating parasite is showing remarkable improvement, her doctors said Tuesday.
Kali Hardig is still listed in critical condition at Arkansas Children’s Hospital, but over the past 48 hours, she’s grown alert to the point where she can gesture in response to questions, according to Dr. Mark Heulitt, an intensive care specialist. Heulitt has scheduled a test for Tuesday afternoon to see whether Hardig can breathe without the breathing tube that she’s had for more than two weeks.
Hardig’s doctors are in virtually uncharted territory. Of 128 known cases in the past half-century, just two patients have survived, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The infection is caused by a microscopic amoeba called Naegleria fowleri, found in hot springs and warm, fresh water, most often in the southeastern United States.
The amoeba enters the body through the nose and travels to the brain. You cannot be infected with the organism by drinking contaminated water, the CDC says.”
- 15-ton blob of fat found growing in London sewer!
“Given we’ve got the biggest sewers and this is the biggest fatberg we’ve encountered, we reckon it has to be the biggest such berg in British history,” Hailwood said.
The monstrous blob of fat was created by people pouring food fat down the drain, and by flushing baby wipes down the toilet. Thames Water discovered the fatberg after residents in the suburb of Kingston, Surrey, complained that they couldn’t flush their toilets.
By using closed-circuit television (CCTV), investigators discovered the creamy white fatberg, which had reduced the 28-inch (70 centimeter) sewer pipe to just 5 percent of its normal capacity.
“The sewer was almost completely clogged,” Hailwood said. “If we hadn’t discovered it in time, raw sewage could have started spurting out of manholes across the whole of Kingston.”
- Man shoots wife over a bet on a Nintendo Wii game:
Keith Wiens admitted to firing a single shot into the head of Lynn Kalmring in August 2011 at their Penticton home, but maintains she was carrying a knifeand he acted in self-defence. His trial, in front of a jury in B.C. Supreme Court in Kelowna, continued this week after a one-month break.
On the witness stand Thursday, Wiens said the pair arrived home from a motorcycle ride around 5 p.m. the day before the shooting.
They drank alcohol, ate dinner, then played Nintendo Wii video games. He said the two often made bets of a sexual nature on the games.
He lost the bet that night, and when he went to bed around 10:40 p.m., found sex toys on his pillow, but moved them aside because he wanted to rest up for a golf game the next day. He said Kalmring became upset when she saw that he was not in the mood to settle the bet.
- Chinese scientists grow teeth from stem cells taken from urine. The stem-cell-urine-teeth are weak and can’t actually be used as teeth. Prof Chris Mason, a stem cell scientist at University College London, said urine was a poor starting point.
- Guy in New York tries to sell a baby on Craisglist for $100. Everyone now thinks he’s a giant asshole.
- As you may have heard/read, scientists have successfully created lab meat. The meat was created using stem cells from a living cow so it’s not vegan and I wouldn’t eat it unless all plant life dies and that’s all that’s left to eat in the apocalypse, but others would eat it even sans apocalypse. This has now paved the way for lab leather but BurritoBot still needs some work.
- Man passes out drunk and wakes up with no penis. Fuck, that sucks.
- French feral cats attack a woman and her poodle.
A woman walking her dog in one of France’s most attractive tourist areas was the victim of a ‘nightmare’ attack when a pack of six feral cats dragged her to the ground and mauled her severing an artery.
The 31-year-old victim, who was walking at the edge of a wood in Belfort, in the north-eastern region Franche-Comté, was left traumatised by the attack and suffered bites to her arms and legs along with a gashed artery.
Her dog was also badly hurt in the incident.
It is thought the attack may be related to the high summer temperatures perhaps making the cats more aggressive than usual.
Josette Galliot, the mother of the victim told l’Est Republicain newspaper she had been ‘living a nightmare’ since the attack on Sunday.
Well, that about covers it. I’m going to swim in a murky lake with some feral French cats and watch Soylent Green while eating processed Chinese soy meat in the shape of a plucked chicken. Maybe I’ll piss out some teeth. Until next time Bizarros!