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Posts tagged “vampires

Halloween Chaos Countdown: Cuntius, the stinking vampire of Pentsch, 1582

17 days until Halloween!

vampire child

Time for a bit of weird history and the sad tale of a stinky vampire by the name of Cuntius…

Via Alpha History

In 1582 residents in a village in Silesia complained of visitations from a bad-breathed vampire named Cuntius. Before joining the ranks of the undead, Johannes Cuntius had been a respected citizen and aldermen in Pentsch. In February 1582 Cuntius was fatally injured after being kicked by one of his “lusty geldings”. Before expiring Cuntius lingered for several days, complaining of ghostly visions and feeling like he was on fire. According to one witness, at the moment of his death a black cat entered the room and jumped onto his bed. As befitted his civic status, Cuntius was entombed near the altar of his local church. But within a few days several townspeople reported receiving visits from the dead man. All described a “most grievous stink” and “an exceedingly cold breath of so intolerable stinking and malignant a scent as is beyond all imagination and expression”. A whole litany of annoyances and harassments was attributed to the vampire, including accusations of: 

“…Galloping up and down like a wanton horse in the court of his house… Miserably tugging all night with a Jew [and] tossing him up and down in his lodgings… dreadfully accosting a wagoner, an old acquaintance of his, while he was busy in the stable [and] biting him so cruelly in the foot that he made him lame… [Entering a] master’s chamber, making a noise like a hog that eats grains, smacking and grunting very sonorously…”

The people of Pentsch tolerated these nocturnal visits until late July, when they resolved to exhume Cuntius’ coffin and deal with his wandering corpse. They found that his:

“…skin was tender and florid, his joints not at all stiff but limber and moveable… a staff being put into his hand, he grasped with his fingers… they opened a vein in his leg and the blood sprang out fresh as in the living.”

After a brief judicial hearing Cuntius’ body was thrown onto a bonfire and burned, then hacked to pieces and crushed to ashes. As might be expected, the spirit of Cuntius ceased its nocturnal visits. By coincidence, the village of Pentsch became the town of Horni Benesov – the ancestral home of US Secretary of State John Kerry.

Source: Various inc. Henry More, An Antidote against Atheism (Book III), 1655.


Vampire Guts in Nuke Town: A Book Review

By Pat Douglas

Guts is a bad motherfucker in a bad, bad world. The government nuked the sky ten years ago to combat a super fast spreading virus that turns humans into blood thirsty, ravenous killing machines that look more like giant, mutated bats than people. The new sky kills these “vampires” instantly, but at a cost. The entire planet is slammed with mega-high doses of radiation every time the sun comes up, completely changing life on earth as we know it, and completely decimating what little civilization there is left. In Nuke Town, Guts wakes up in a strange motel with no memory of how he got there. A brother and sister duo are the only two humans in sight, but are they friend or foe? As the paranoia sets in, and Guts begins to understand the true implications of a nest of sophisticated, mutated vampires, he must use all the cunning and skills that his years in the wasteland have taught him if he hopes to survive the horror that awaits him in …VAMPIRE GUTS IN NUKETOWN!

Vampire Guts in Nuke Town, by Kevin Strange.
This book is splatter-thrash-gore fest-frenzy-smash! If that were a genre, I guess. Ha, anyway… this was my first time picking up a book by author, Kevin Strange. So I didn’t really know what to expect. The cover it strange. The publisher is strange. The author is even strange. Well that’s just a lot of strange! And it fits: This book is strange. And the truth is, that is the best way to describe it. The opening chapter lays the work for the world you will be entering. From there we meet the main character and move forward into a weird tale. If you can get past that first little loll in the book then you will be glad you did. The farther in you get the grosser it gets. Kevin has a knack for the descriptive. When the guts and goo are splattering across the page you can smell it. You taste it. It’s nasty. And when you think it couldn’t get any deeper, the gritty grime keeps on coming. This is what I liked and hated about the book. I enjoy a book that can make my stomach turn, but at the same time I felt like it was a little over done at times. Gore just for the sake of gore rather than letting the story flow. Although there were some up and downs with pace, over all, I was happy with the story. I loved the characters and all their quirky little defects. The pace was strong and engaging.

If you’re looking for a new twist on vampires… a bizarro twist that laughs mockingly at Twilight, then look no further. This book will make you throw up while laughing.


Have a book you want reviewed?
My name is Pat and I frequently stop in with bizarro book reviews. The types of reviews I do are simple, short, and to the point. If you want me to review your book just shoot me a message. My goal is to do at least one Bizarro Central Review a month. If I can get around to more than that, awesome. But no promises. You can check me out at http://indie-inside.com


Day 6: Hellsing (2001-2002)

By Sam Reeve

Today I’m sharing with you folks the anime series Hellsing, which had an original run of only 13 episodes. It’s based on a manga series of the same name by Kouta Hirano.

Set in modern-day England, the series follows several members of the vampire-extermination group called The Hellsing Organization. The series starts off with Alucard (‘Dracula’ backwards), a powerful vampire employed by the organization, converting a young female police officer during a mission. She joins the organization as well but doesn’t immediately take to being a vampire, and initially she refuses to drink blood.

The organization is seeing more and more vampires turn up, and finds out they’re being artificially created with some kind of micro-chip.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH IT: Alucard, though he actually doesn’t appear much in each episode, is a pretty bad ass anti-hero. He’s a pretty old vampire and has a lot of pride for the vampire race, and enjoys nothing more than destroying the immature, freshly-turned nobodies who just want to be vampires for kicks.

There are some pretty good scenes with creepy ghouls and vampires attacking people, and though I’ve only seen half of the episodes so far, it’s good enough that I’ll continue to the end of the series.

WHAT DOESN’T WORK: The only thing that really gets to me is the new vampire girl, Seras Victoria. She’s dumb, weak, and annoys the fucking pants off me because she can’t decide what the hell she wants to do or how she feels about anything. Maybe I’m just being picky, but every episode there’s at least one moment where I want to reach into the screen and give her a good smack.

It also sucks that Alucard, the coolest character, isn’t actually the one we see the most of, like I initially thought after the first episode. There’s another series called Hellsing Ultimate, which I haven’t gotten to yet, that seems to focus more on Alucard.

The show isn’t the creepiest, so if you’re looking to be scared this won’t be your cup of tea. The soundtrack actually does little to help it have a scarier or more actiony feel, since a lot of the music is pretty jazzy and seems like an odd fit for the show.

Here’s a trailer for the series, and below that I’ve posted the first episode in its original Japanese, with English subtitles. Cheers!


Day 5: Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl (2009)

By Sam Reeve

Today’s featured movie for Japanese Horror Month is Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl. One of the directors, Yoshihiro Nishimura, is probably better known for having directed Tokyo Gore Police. If you’ve seen it then you’re familiar with the style of this movie.

If you aren’t familiar with these movies but are a fan of bizarro, I urge you to get into them. Blood showers, cyborg-franken-human-hybrids like you’ve never seen and always lots of adorable (but violent) Japanese girls – what more could you ask for?

It’s a pretty simple tale of rivalry: Monami, the Vampire Girl and new student at a Tokyo high school, steals (and converts) another girl’s boyfriend. Of course this leads to the girls fighting over this poor guy who seemed at first to want nothing to do with either of them. Monami’s rival, Keiko, ends up dying after falling off the school’s roof. Luckily her father, the vice principal, also moonlights as a mad scientist trying to re-animate corpses. You can guess who gets to become Frankenstein Girl. The fight over the boy continues on, though it’s not any real surprise who wins since the opening scene in the film is of the final fight between the opposing girls.

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH IT: This movie is the epitome of ridiculousness. First I’ll show you this clip of the intro, and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Besides having a lot of bizarre gore and violence, they make fun of some of Japan’s subcultures in the most satisfying way. This is the perfect kind of movie to watch with a group of friends during the Halloween season. It’s a WTF goldmine!

Here I’ve posted one of my favourite scenes, and below that you’ll find an English subtitled copy of the full movie. If you’ve seen Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl, let us know what you thought in a comment below!


Dilation Exercise 61

Below you’ll find Alan M. Clark’s weekly Dilation Exercise. Please look at the picture, read the caption, above and below the image, and allow your imagination to go to work on it. If the artwork inspires an idea, please use the comment feature to tell us something about it. Need a further explanation? Go to Imagination Workout—The Dilation Exercises.

Several times he screwed up his courage to reach into the darkness for what he wanted, but his efforts were frustrated by the bars of iron.

Although desperately hungry, she was unwilling to reach through the bars of light for the boy, and could only hope he would try again once the sun had set.

—Alan M. Clark
Eugene, Oregon

If you like Alan M. Clark’s artwork, please try his writing in both short fiction and novels.

Artwork: “Out of the Darkness” copyright © 2006 Alan M. Clark. Cover for Vampyrrhic by Simon Clark, published by Cemetery Dance Publications.

Captions are original to this post and have nothing to do with the literary project with which the artwork first appeared.


Dilation Exercise 58

Below you’ll find Alan M. Clark’s weekly Dilation Exercise. Please look at the picture, read the caption, above and below the image, and allow your imagination to go to work on it. If the artwork inspires an idea, please use the comment feature to tell us something about it. Need a further explanation? Go to Imagination Workout—The Dilation Exercises.

Although I was not easily impressed, I knew that those who received his invitation were considered fortunate indeed.


Despite seeing the invitations of his previous guest blowing in the chilly wind and innumerable bones tucked into the undergrowth along the route, once I set my foot upon the road to his home, I could not turn away, I could not turn back.

—Alan M. Clark
Eugene, Oregon

If you like Alan M. Clark’s artwork, please try his writing in both short fiction and novels.

Artwork: “The Traveling Vampire Show” copyright © 1999 Alan M. Clark. Cover illustration for The Traveling Vampire Show, by Richard Laymon, published by Cemetery Dance Publications.

Captions are original to this post and have nothing to do with the literary project with which the artwork first appeared.


Breaking News: Bella Conquers Cthulhu!


Last month, you voted to determine the results of the greatest battle since Mickey Mouse took on Japan. Cthulhu destroyed the sparkly vampires in a landslide, thus earning the crown of Evilest Monster of All Time. But in a twist of fate, Bella and Edward worked from the grave to summon Cthulhu’s one great weakness . . . lolcats. As you all know from Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom, Cthulhu is hopelessly addicted to lolcats. Their fuzzy little faces and adorable catspeak simply drive him beyond madness.

However, one brave soldier is to be honored for the valiant effort he played in this war. That brave soldier’s name is Ian Vullo. He is the recipient of the special vampire/Lovecraftian package, which includes a Cthulhu Santa t-shirt, The Selected Fiction of Henry James (signed by Re-Animator director STUART GORDON), The Book of Cthulhu edited by Ross Lockhart, a bootlegged copy of every Twilight film, The Orange Eats Creeps by Grace Krilanovich, and more. If you are Ian, please contact Cameron Pierce at cameroncpierce@gmail.com to collect your reward.

Thanks to all of you for laying your lives on the line to serve the great Cthulhu. May you someday help him return to his former glory by rebuilding his legendary sushi restaurant.