by: Sean Noah Noah
Y2K came and went and pretty much everyone could agree that the world had ended, but nobody could figure out exactly how. Just days before, everything had seemed so certain: all the computers wouldn’t be able to change the dates correctly and they’d break down and take the public infrastructure with them. But the date passed and no, that wasn’t it. Something large and awful had happened, and civilization would never recover, that was for sure, but it seemed like everyone felt a different apocalypse break the world as the sun rose over a new millennium.
By midday January second, Alex and Annemarie were meeting by the water cooler of their old workplace, Alex dodging around the carpet in an effort to avoid the burned spots, Annemarie not even walking through the shattered front door. Neither of them drank any of the water. Annemarie claimed, as she leaned against the cooler, that it had been destroyed by the nuclear blast, like most of the building, and even if it were still standing it would be too contaminated with fallout to drink. She dressed head to toe in whatever rags she could find that looked safe, and she felt protected. Alex was bent over, sweating and wearing very little, saying that the plastic of the cooler had melted and the water had evaporated in the heat of the exploding sun. Jane Abbott pointed out from across the room, helpfully, that if the sun had exploded, he wouldn’t be alive to complain about it. Alex and Annemarie ignored her; both agreed she was dead.
Jane, for her part, was happy enough to be dead, and she went back home to tell Henry the good news. They were both dead, and they spent the coming months lying inert on their living room floor, big rigor mortis smiles on their faces, watching groups of bored teenagers matter-of-factly loot their house as their muscles atrophied.
Jake Edison, whose friends called him Eddie, was part of the fifth band to raid the Abbott residence, and he felt sorry for them. They were less people and more messes on the floor at that point. He asked his pals if he could turn them; he was pale and low on vitamin D because he’d spent no time out in the sunlight since the Y2K vampire apocalypse. His friends said sure, why not, and he bit each Abbott on the neck once, but they were long gone by then and he shrugged and said, mostly to himself, that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
People camped in their houses with guns and canned food, or came out of what they called rubble to share horror stories, but in the bigger cities, there was another group: the denialists, the naysayers, the Y2K truthers; the frustrated, confused, and angry who yelled at the world that they’d seen no apocalypse save the sudden transformation of all their friends into complete idiots. And as they marched through the streets with signs proclaiming YOU’RE NOT DEAD and GET BACK TO WORK, stepping over fissures and sinkholes like they didn’t exist, walking through fire and paying falling debris no mind, they were treated like the ravenous hordes of the undead. Or ignored.
Sean Noah Noah is a writer, stand-up comic, and graphic designer living somewhere in the Northeast. Want more? Watch this comedy set on YouTube, read another story in PLUS+, or follow Sean on twitter @SeanNoahNoah.
Send your weird little stories to email@example.com.
It’s September Bizarros! That means it’s time to get serious with the Halloween spirit. So grab your pumpkin spice dildos and get ready!
If this music video of Tim Curry dressed as an 80’s vampire and channeling David Bowie doesn’t put you in the Halloween mood, nothing will! I’ve never watched The Worst Witch, but apparently it’s pretty dull aside from this incredible music video that comes out of nowhere.
As you might have noticed, I watch a lot of youtube. One of my favorite youtube channels is “Ask a Mortician” where a mortician answers cool questions about death, from death shits to foreskin wedding rings. I love Caitlin!
Typing of death, here is my favorite Nightmare on Elm Street death of all time. It involves twink Johnny Depp, a bed, and a lot of blood! Thanks Wes Craven for giving the world one of the best monsters of all time and inspiring some inventive kills.
Nothing says Halloween like Vincent Price dressed as a polar bear, in a wine cooler commercial. Nothing.
I’ve been binge watching Key & Peele lately because they’re hilarious. It’s great to see comedy taken to its full artistic potential with social commentary and theatrical silliness. Key & Peele are talented as fuck. Their range of characters is impressive. I’m sad that this will be their last season but they put out some amazing comedic content that I’ve been watching over and over again. Their “Sexy Vampires” sketch is a must watch. It brings up the serious question of vampire stereotyping in films.
Watching horror movies is the best way to get into the spirit of the season. Blood for Dracula is on my Halloween rotation every year and still makes me laugh. I love Udo Kier so much. In this film, he’s is a sexy vampire who is having some trouble finding virgin blood to keep him alive. I’m sure I’ve posted this before since this is such a classic movie with one of my favorite movie lines of all time:
You can watch the full movie here for now:
So Bizarros, what are your favorite things to do to get you into the Halloween spirit? Any favorite movies or creepy places in your area?
By Sam Reeve
My rating: 6.5/10
Directed by the legendary Mario Bava, Black Sabbath is quite a noteworthy horror anthology film. The piece titled The Wurdulak stars the equally legendary Boris Karloff, and all the actresses from the movie are total babes. You can’t go wrong!
Fun fact: the famous band Black Sabbath apparently named themselves after this film.
In The Telephone we have a beautiful woman who’s terrorized by phone calls and a vengeful acquaintance. In The Wurdulak, Boris Karloff comes back as a vampire and attacks his family of peasants. Our final piece, The Drop of Water, is a ghostly tale about a nurse who steals a ring from a dead woman and gets haunted.
All three are fairly suspenseful and well acted, but the final one was probably the creepiest. The lady’s corpse had a pretty terrifying expression on her face:
By Sam Reeve
My rating: 5/10
My introduction to Turkish cinema was the ripoff of Star Wars, a film that was too bad to finish and had such low production quality that I just couldn’t cope. Although I finished Dracula in Istanbul, the quality wasn’t much better, but that may have been the specific copy I found on Youtube. The subtitles weren’t consistently there, and in some parts there was no dialogue in Turkish but everyone’s mouths were moving. It also looked like something from the 30’s, when in fact it came out in 1953.
As with the Turkish Star Wars, this was a ripoff story too. If you’ve read Bram Stoker’s classic vampire book, or even seen any of its truer adaptations, then you’ll know the drill here. Actually, Dracula in Istanbul is based on a book that majorly ripped off Stoker’s, and some people just consider it a translation.
Anyway, Lawyer dude shows up in countryside, meets Dracula. Finds out he’s a vampire. Some chicks get involved and some people get their blood sucked. One difference here is one of the ladies was an exotic dancer or something like that, so she was scantily clad compared to the dames in other old Dracula films.
Die hard fans of black and white horror will still get a kick out of this, but more so if you speak Turkish, because the subtitles sucked shit. I’m glad I knocked it off my list, and it’s apparently a major classic in its home country, so it’s also an important one foreign film lovers.
Here you have it folks, the stuff of legends, complete with the “English” subtitles. Enjoy!
#1) Vampira! By far the hottest and original of the old school monster chicks. Best known for starring in Ed Wood’s campy horror classic, Plan 9 From Outer Space and “The Vampira Show,” Vampira created her character in the 50’s and was inspired by The New Yorker comic version of Morticia Addams, Dragon Lady from an old comic called “Terry and the Pirates,” and the evil queen from Snow White. The top pic was from a publicity stunt for her show where she was driven around Hollywood in a gorgeous black Packard.
#2) Morticia Addams (1991 movie version) is the hottest Morticia. I think the original TV version is just too cutesy for my liking, whereas Angelica Houston’s role as Morticia is properly sexy and morbid. The idea for Morticia Addams and the Addams Family came from the cartoons by Charles Addams for The New Yorker, which debuted in 1938.
Movie version Morticia certainly has the best memes:
#3) Lily Munster was originally going to be “Phoebe” and look like an exact replica of Morticia Addams but the studio decided to be more original and come up with something different. Lily Munster’s character is a true vampire who was born in 1827 in Transylvania. Sporting a white muslin dress with vampire wings instead of the tight, black hobble dresses of the other vamps, Lily was still sexy and the actress who played her, Yvonne De Carlo, was quite the looker and in numerous films.
BTW did you know there was a Munsters movie? I didn’t until just now!
#4) Elvira’s style was certainly influenced by the vintage vamps, especially Vampira, and improved upon the skintight black vamp dress with her sexed-up, silly valley girl sense of humor and incredible cleavage. Elvira began her career as a host for “Elvira’s Movie Macabre” in 1981 and starred in her own films like the classic Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She is still working, doing TV specials, movies, shows at Knott’s Scary Farm, and even has some Halloween-themed singles out on iTunes right now! She hasn’t aged at all. Perhaps she really is a vampire?
#5) Morticia Addams (tv show version) was the original TV Morticia in 1964. Carolyn Jones, the actress who played her, was nominated for a Golden Globe. Even with the cutesy Betty Boop face, her role as the matriarch of a macabre monster family was pretty punk rock for the 60’s and she was a sexy vintage vamp.
#6) Ingrid Pitt, played a sexy vampire in many films in the 60’s and 70’s, including The Vampire Lovers and Countess Dracula based on Elizabeth Bathory. She sexed up the vampire stereotype in her films and wasn’t afraid to bare it all for the screen.
Do you have any favorite hot vamp/monster chicks?
8 days until Halloween!
14 days until Halloween!
When people think of vampire animals the first thing that typically comes to mind are vampire bats. The vampire/bat link in vampire folklore could have originated from observations of vampire bats feeding on livestock and people. It isn’t clear if Bram Stoker got this idea from observing vampire bats before writing Dracula but it’s possible.
But vampire bats aren’t the only haematophagous animals. Here are 9 bloodsuckers found in nature that you may not have heard of:
I) The vampire finch, or Geospiza difficilis septentrionalis, feeds on the blood of other birds. They live in the Galapagos Islands and are endangered.
II) Vampire moths have been discovered throughout the world, prominently in Europe, Asia, and Africa. They feed mostly on animals but have been known to fill up on human blood as well. There is even a species of vampire butterfly which feeds of the blood of the dead!
III) The vampire squid (Vampyroteuthis infernalis, lit. “vampire squid of Hell”) are deep-sea cephalopods which haven’t changed much since the 300 MILLION years that they’ve been around! When they feel threatened, they turn inside out into a “pumpkin posture.” Scientists are still trying to figure out their feeding behavior and how their filaments work since they do not grasp at prey like other cephalopods.
IV) Oxpeckers are a species of parasitic bird which feeds not only on the blood or large mammals, but also ticks, earwax, and dandruff.
VI) Vandellia cirrhosa, also known as vampire fish, are a parasitic Amazonian catfish which has been alleged to climb up human urethra by climbing up with the bony spikes on its head where it then attaches itself to feed on blood. Fun!
VII) Evarcha culicivora, or vampire spiders, reside in Kenya and ironically feed on the most common bloodsucker, the mosquito.
VIII) Leeches have been used for medicine and getting attacked by them fucking sucks, especially since there is never just one leech, there are hundreds of them. The ones here in Thailand actually leap out at you. Imagine walking through the woods during monsoon season, checking out some nature, and suddenly every few steps, little black slimy things leap out at you and stick to your feet and legs sucking your yummy blood. I had no idea they could leap! That shit was scary and of course reminded me of this:
IX) Lamprey eels are the most fucking creepy blood-sucking animals out there! With that cluster of little razor-sharp teeth they use to latch onto passing animals in the water to suck their blood, it’s hard not to look at pics of them and not get the creeps. They rarely attack humans though and there is a tribe which still hunts and eats them. It’s an acquired taste…
For more spooky shit found in nature, check out my “Zombies in Nature” post.
By Sam Reeve
My rating: 7/10
This forgotten classic has it all: Satanism, murder, burning crosses, demonic possession, orgies and hot lesbian action! Despite being a Mexican film, Alucarda was originally filmed in English and many copies you’ll find today have even been dubbed over with new English dialogue. It sparked controversy upon its release for the imagery and themes, but has maintained a healthy following throughout the years.
Justine, a teenage orphan, arrives at a convent and is instantly befriended by Alucarda, a mischievous girl of the same age. They romp around the countryside together, meet gypsies, make a blood oath to die together, and then unleash evil forces in an abandoned church – all on Justine’s first day. The two girls become possessed by Satan and wreak havoc on the convent and its inhabitants.
The film was by no means high quality in terms of acting, dialogue, or really anything, but did that lessen the enjoyment? Hell no! Alucarda is a gem, a ridiculous gaudy gem that you’d find at a thrift store and never want to let go of. The final scene when everything gets lit on fire and all the nuns are running around like mad – genius. The worst part of the whole movie is the screaming, which there’s a lot of, but everything else is fun and crazy. Also, if you like female nudity, there’s a lot of that, and sometimes they even make out. It definitely makes up for the lack of sexy nuns, because they literally dress like Egyptian mummies (see below).
So, hopefully you’ve been convinced that this is a must-see horror film, but if you’re still unsure, check out the clip below. Lots of fluffy hair and nuns who appear to be wrapped in bacon. Below that is the full movie, dubbed over in English for unknown reasons.
Have you seen Alucarda? Let us know what you think in a comment below!