HERE’S A PROMO FOR YOU:
If you pre-order HE DIGS A HOLE from Amazon (or wherever) between now and it’s release date of Feb. 14th, I will mail a personalized Valentine’s Day card with an original message directly to someone you LOVE! “But I don’t love anyone,” you say? Well then, never fear you sad sad human being! Because I will mail a personalized ANTI-Valentine’s Day card to someone you HATE instead!
All you gotta do is send me some kinda proof that you pre-ordered (a receipt or screenshot, etc.) and the name and address of the person you love/hate, and I will send them a card that will get you laid/cursed out. DM me on social media or email at firstname.lastname@example.org
By Sam Reeve
A few days ago I asked you guys to help me collect the best/weirdest art on the internet with anti-valentines and anti-romance themes. The number of submissions was poor, and two of the three emails I got were from my mom. One of these actually makes no sense to me. But here you go. Happy Valentines day.
Oh, and by the way, if you ever have an idea for an article or something you want to share that you think our readers would dig, send an email to one of us editors. We would love to hear your ideas! You can find our emails on the staff page.
by Garrett Cook
This is Francesco Petrarca. Also known as Petrarch. He has little to do with Bizarro, other than that Bizarro is the sexiest literary genre and he was one of the progenitors of sexy. Petrarch invented the Petrarchan sonnet, one of the best forms for the expression of love, and even sometimes looooove.
Wouldn’t it be great if you could hire Petrarch to write your special someone a love sonnet for five dollars? Well, you can’t. Petrarch is dead and Troy Chambers gave me an 18 dollar reanimation estimate, which, frankly, is highway robbery. You’d be screwed, if, for example, Valentine’s Day was coming up and you wanted to express your love and admiration for Carlton Mellick and Bizarro fiction. Like this.
In boring books we stumble through the dark
In literature of cancerous cliché
Where all the novelty has gone away
So how then would a novelist embark
To write of Shatner or to write of shark
When all around no balls are on display?
How rotten the state of literature today!
If only there were some strange patriarch!
But there’s a giant man with sideburns made of steel
An advocate of literature perverse,
Making sure that books aren’t dull or dumb or worse
And that your brain dies not just rot as a dusty old relic.
He’s a publisher the size of Richard Kiel,
Hooray for Bizarro and for Carlton Mellick!
But wait…I did. It might not be as good as Petrarch would do, but it was serviceable. I have mad sonnet skills that you can exploit this Valentine’s Day, for the low low price of five dollars a sonnet. Give me the name of your loved one or whoever you want to dedicate the sonnet to (Shatner, Aquaman, Rico Slade, Terry Silver…the list goes on) and two things they’re interested in or aspects of their personality (like if they’re a werewolf or if they have a sandwich for a head) and I will send you a one of a kind sonnet by noon Valentine’s Day for you to use as you see fit. I’m not here to judge. Order HERE and include your loved one’s name and two things you want included in the sonnet. It might be just what you need for a happy and sensual Valentine’s Day.