by: John Wayne Comunale
I’ve always liked my women a little on the trashy side. The ones with elaborate, unnecessary makeup, boots that are way too high with skirts that are way too short, and piercing eyes glaring from beneath dramatically cut, Betty Page bangs. Throw in a few tattoos for good measure and I’m a happy man. Naturally, I included this bit of information when I signed up for the new threeway app, Thrinder. I was surprised by the quick response shortly after posting my profile, but I went with it.
The message I received said to meet at a bar called The Tri-Corner Hat for drinks and conversation before getting down to business. The couple’s names were Greg and Terry, and according to our correspondence, they were very excited to meet me. When I walked in, I was thrown off by the total darkness of the place, but I figured when you’re meeting up with someone you met online for a threesome the last thing you wanted was an abundance of light. There was a man sitting at the bar sipping a drink that I recognized as Greg from his picture. He was wearing a ratty, black ball cap pulled down over his eyes, which he also wore in the picture I saw.
“Hey there,” I said walking up to the bar. “You’re Greg I take it?”
“Oh yeah,” he said, smiling wide. “That’s me. You must be Larry.”
“Guilty as charged,” I answered, immediately regretting my corny quip. “Nice to meet you. Is Terry here somewhere?”
“No, actually, she’s not,” he said. “She likes me to meet the other person first to make sure it’s a good fit for us. You understand?”
“Oh yeah, man,” I said. “Totally.”
“So,” said Greg, “you like ‘em trashy, huh?”
“That’s right,” I said, trying to be as casual as possible. “That’s just always been my type.”
“Well, you’re gonna’ love Terry. She’s as trashy as they come.”
“Sounds great,” I replied. “So when do I get to meet her?”
“Soon,” he said. “First, I need to ask if you’re cool with some pretty kinky shit.”
I’d had my fair share of interesting sexual encounters in my life, so I felt I could answer confidently.
“Oh yeah, man,” I said leaning into him, “the kinkier the better.”
I didn’t really have a proclivity for kink, but I wanted to set him at ease and get the show on the road. I was excited for this, but didn’t want to waste my whole night.
“That’s good,” he said, “real good. Terry and I like to get a little weird sometime, if you know what I mean.”
“I sure do,” I said, elbowing him playfully in the ribs even though I had no idea what he meant. “I’m down with the get down.” Another cheesy line I regretted.
“Fuck it then,” said Greg slamming his drink. “Let’s get out of here.”
I followed him out of the bar and turned toward the street, but Greg grabbed my shoulder and spun me around.
“It’s this way,” he said, pointing down the alley between the bar and the abandoned building next to it.
“Oh, uh, okay,” I said, following him into the darkness.
“Terry’s gonna’ be so jazzed to meet you man. We’ve been looking for someone that really clicks with us, and I have a good feeling about you.”
“I aims to please,” I said, seemingly unable to not speak in groan-worthy quips.
The alley was typical as far as alleys go. Bare brick walls lined either side, and piles of garbage sat atop mystery puddles of trash-water.
“So where are we going anyway?”
“To meet up with Terry,” said Greg without looking back at me. “You wanna’ go meet Terry right?”
“Of course,” I said. “Just curious that’s all.”
“It’s not much farther,” he said, attempting to be reassuring.
Ahead, I could see a dumpster with light peeking out from the other side of it, and the closer we got, I began to hear voices. The light turned out to be a trash barrel fire, and the voices belonged to two bums warming themselves around it. They stopped mid-sentence to gawk as we passed.
“Hey there,” said one of them. “You going to see Terry?”
The grizzled bum smiled, revealing a single black tooth in the center of his top gums. His right hand moved from the fire to his crotch, where he began to rub awkwardly while licking his scab-covered lips.
“I bet he is,” said the other bum whose tooth count doubled that of his counterpart. “He’s got that look.”
They both laughed, and rubbed at themselves. I could see the bulges in their pants reacting to the stimulus.
“Shut up, you degenerates,” spat Greg. “Why don’t you two go fuck yourselves!”
“Sounds good to me,” said the first bum as he reached over with his free hand to grab his friend’s face and guide it to his own. The two began to sloppily make out, which sounded like someone kneading wet dough.
“Don’t mind them. They don’t know shit,” said Greg pointing to a door up ahead. “Almost there.”
I nodded and sped up to be next to him.
“So, what’s Terry like?” I asked. “I mean, you haven’t really told me too much.”
“What’s to tell?” he answered. “She’s extra trashy, just like you like ‘em, she’s into freaky shit, and she’s down to fuck. What else do you wanna’ know?”
“Uh . . . well, I guess that’s good enough for me.”
The amount of trash lining the alley now was stacked over five feet high in some places, and the smell was unbearable. Greg grabbed at the lever on the door and turned to face me.
“Oh yeah,” I said, more ready to get out of the smothering trash than anything else.
Greg pulled the handle up and pushed in to open the door. It screeched like a cat being drug beneath a city bus, and I guessed it hadn’t been oiled since its installation. The room was dark but Greg stepped in, hit a switch on the wall to his left, and a single light crackled to life from the ceiling shining down on the center of the room. It was completely empty save for a giant pile of trash bags, which the light shined directly on. Greg crossed his arms and smiled staring at the pile.
“What is this?” I asked.
“That’s Terry,” he said, pointing to the pile. “Ain’t she a beaut?”
I scanned the room to make sure I wasn’t missing something.
“A beaut?” I said. “She’s a pile of trash.”
“Exactly,” he said. “You like ‘em trashy don’t ya’?”
“Yeah, but . . . “
Greg walked to the pile he called Terry and I followed. The smell was worse than in the alley, and I could see most of the bags were ripped, spilling rotten food, used diapers, and other unidentifiable, greasy trash innards.
“What are you waiting for?” asked Greg. “Let’s do this!”
He dropped his pants, exposing his very erect, very large penis, which he promptly buried into the side of Terry. I’m not sure what came over me, but I was instantly aroused and, not wanting to be outdone, I dropped my pants to show off my considerable endowment as well.
“Now we’re talking,” said Greg. “Get on in there. She’s nice and wet.”
Before I knew it, I was humping along with Greg at a furious pace. I grabbed at lumps of wet garbage that came away in my hand as I tried to find purchase on top of Terry. I rolled around her, sticking myself into any opening I could find, and they were all wet with anticipation. I found myself so engrossed in what I was doing that I forgot about Greg until I heard him cry out.
“Oh man, oh man,” he called from the other side of Terry where he was thrusting away with reckless abandon. “I’m gonna’ cum!”
I eased up and repositioned myself, thinking it was kind of soon for him to already be cumming, but I wasn’t going to say anything.
“Oh yeah, baby. Oh yeah, baby,” he said, panting as he reached climax. “Oh yeeeaaahhhh!”
I watched as Greg shook with the intensity of his orgasm, savoring every last quake. At the height of it, he threw his head back, and his cap fell to the floor behind him. Something was wrong with the way his head looked, but I didn’t want to believe it at first. The top of Greg’s head was a garbage bag with bits of paper, coffee grinds, and other trash spilling from it.
That was all I could muster before Greg’s face fell off and more trash spilled out from behind it. I watched in disbelief, while still pumping away of course, as his body fell apart in front of me, revealing more lumpy, leaking bags of trash that fell into Terry, becoming part of her. I was shocked, but I did come here to fuck, so I pounded away until finally finishing. I stepped away from Terry, zipped up, and took one final look around. I walked over to where Greg had been to find all that was left of him was his hat. I picked up the dirty, black thing, dusted it off, and put it on, pulling the brim down firmly over my eyes. I walked to large steel door, opened it, and took one last look at the trash pile.
“Thanks Terry,” I said. “It was fun. Hopefully, I’ll see you around.”
John Wayne Comunale lives in the land of purple drank known as Houston, Texas. He is a writer for the comedic collective MicroSatan and contributes creative non-fiction for the theatrical art group, BooTown. When he’s not doing that, he tours with the punk rock disaster: johnwayneisdead. He is the author of The Porn Star Retirement Plan, Charge Land, and Aunt Poster as well as writer/illustrator of the comic-zine: The Afterlife Adventures of johnwayneisdead. John Wayne is an American actor who died in 1979.
Submit your bizarro flash fiction to FlashFictionFridaySubmissions@gmail.com.
Trashland A Go-Go is about a stripper named Coco. She’s a real badass, super babe with all sorts of stripper-ish issues. She dies after a freak pole dancing accident. Her sleazy boss doesn’t want to deal with having a dead stripper on his hands so he wraps her up and puts in the dumpster behind the club. Coco comes to, but she is not in heaven or hell, at least not in the traditional sense. She is in a world made out of trash.
This is an intense book. It’s basically Alice in Wonderland,(but I hated Alice in Wonderland and I found this book to be a zillion times more entertaining). Constance Ann Fitzgerald’s writing is smooth and seductive and incredibly vivid. It attacks the senses. Not only does she do a great job explaining what the trash world looks like, she makes the reader really feel how greasy and smushy everything is and how bad it all smells. I felt kinda oily while I was reading this book (I still feel kinda oily, but that’s just because I need to shower).
This book is completely enchanting. And gross. I mean, it made me gag, but in a really enjoyable way. I grew up watching John Waters and I love shock humor. This book actually reminded me of his movie DESPERATE LIVING. I appreciate a writer that can do a really good gross-out tale.
This book is great. Read it a zillion times.
Here is an interview with the author.
Justin Grimbol: Was there any point when you were writing this book when you grossed yourself out?
Constance Ann Fitzgerald: Not so much during the actual writing of it. I would just sit down and all of these things would fall out of my pen. When I went back and read it over though, I kind of surprised myself.
During the editing process I was reading the story out loud, to hear how it might sound to someone who isn’t me, and I remember thinking “Aw, man. Do I really need to do this to Victor?”
The answer was clearly yes. That guy had it coming.
JG: If you could get a celebrity to play Coco who would it be and who would you have play the evil queen?
CAF: My first instinct on Coco is Selma Hayek. Not so much because I think she’d be a good Coco, but because I KNOW she can give one hell of a lap dance. Did you SEE From Dusk ‘Til Dawn?! Whew!
Because I really just enjoy her look and the attitude of the characters she tends to play, I’d go with Azura Skye.
The Queen? Isabella Rossellini. Just to listen to her shout about eating hearts in that gorgeous accent of hers.
JG: If this was made into a film would you want it to be animated or live action?
CAF: Oh Man. . . I grew up on Disney princesses (and still adore them to this day) and part of me sort of visualizes the story that way. But the potential gross out factor for a live action Trashland A Go-Go is SO high. There is an entire chapter that could absolutely rival the “shit eating grin” scene in Pink Flamingos. I don’t know that I could resist that.
JG: What is your favorite childhood snack?
CAF: Baby carrots. My Grandmother used to tell me all the time that they would be good for my eyes. Tell that to my cataracts!
JG: Name three things that gross you out.
1.) People chewing with their mouths open/smacking their food
2.) When your hand is wet and a single strand of hair wraps itself around your fingers and it becomes a tangled, wet, icky web.
3.) Harlequin babies. If you don’t know, don’t google it. I repeat, DON’T google it. (You’re already googling it now, aren’t you? You sick bastard.)
(I ended up looking it up. oh man. whatthefuck-JG)
JG: What non-bizarro writer do you think every bizarro fan should read?
CAF: I think that everyone, bizarro and otherwise, should read at LEAST one book by Paulo Coelho. Just to learn how to be better people.
JG: What is your least favorite holiday and why?
CAF: All holidays are pretty much an excuse to get drunk, so I am equally behind all of them.
Constance Ann Fitzgerald’s TRASHLAND A GO-GO and Justin Grimbol’s THE CRUD MASTERS are now available on Amazon along with the rest of the 2011 New Bizarro Author Series!