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Flash Fiction Friday: Gag Reel 2

by Sean Kelly

The beach was littered with decayed corpses and charred, human-sized loofahs.

Some loofahs were still alive, rolling around on fire. Squealing.

An old man, with a beard down to his feet, stood behind a vintage camera. He sighed, slow panned across the carnage.

Two people stepped up beside him. One wore a gas mask, held a flamethrower. The other wore formal attire, was scrolling through her phone.

“We done here?” The woman asked, sounding annoyed.

“I suppose we are.” The old man slumped his shoulders. “So much time wasted.”

“Yeah well. At least it was the studio’s money.” The woman’s phone vibrated. “Talk to me.” She walked away.

The man shut his camera off and turned to Gas Mask. “Can you give me some privacy?”

Gas Mask said nothing.

The man looked out at the beach. The last of the loofahs were quieting down, going still as the flames burned out. The humans were long gone, skeletal, gross. The man shook his head and started packing his stuff. He reached for the camera. The woman motioned to Gas Mask. Gas Mask grabbed his arm.

“What?” The old man raised an eyebrow.

Gas Mask released him and took the film reel out of the camera.

“Wait! What are you doing!?”

Gas Mask dropped the reel and pointed the flamethrower at it.

“What!? No! You can’t! Why!?”

“Studio’s orders,” the woman said, hanging up her phone.

Gas Mask incinerated the reel. The man dropped to his knees and wept.

“Said the footage would make them look bad. Best to forget this whole thing ever happened.”

“I could have finished it…”

“Yeah? When? How long have you been working on this thing now? I didn’t even exist when you started.”

The man stood and wiped his eyes. “It was almost done.” He glared at her.

“Wasn’t it always? Maybe if you could have controlled your cast. Studio didn’t ask for a gag reel.” She returned to scrolling through her phone. “Don’t beat yourself up over it. You can always go indie.” She snort-laughed and walked away. Gas Mask followed. “We’ll be waiting in the car! Get packed! I’ve got a meeting to get to!”

The man stared down at the smoldering pile.

“I could have finished it.”

***

The man gripped the steering wheel tightly. His eyelids were twitching.

“So are you gonna shave the beard now?” The woman asked from the passenger seat, nose still in her phone.

The man didn’t respond.

“Aw, will you stop being pissy?” She rolled her eyes and put the phone away. “It was just a movie. A stupid movie… about talking loofahs. What were you expecting to accomplish? If you ask me, even forgetting all the screw ups… I’m sorry. They were doomed from the start.”

The man gulped hard. “I could have saved them. I could have finished it.”

“They’re dead, Archie. Accept it.” The woman lit a cigarette and looked out her window.

A finger tapped Archie’s shoulder.

“What!?” Archie snapped. He looked in the rear-view mirror. Gas Mask was pointing at a red convertible barreling towards them. The brights clicked on.

“Hey, who’s the asshole!?” The woman turned around and squinted into the light.

Bam! Car hit them in the rear. Back windshield exploded. Woman slammed her head on the dashboard. Gas Mask wound up in the floor.

“What the hell!?” Archie struggled to maintain control of the car. “Are you alright!?”

A stream of blood ran down her face. She mumbled incoherently.

“Damn it! Don’t die on me! I still need you!” He reached over and shook her shoulder. “Stay with me!”

Gas Mask climbed back up and looked out the shattered windshield.

“What are they doing now?” Archie asked.

Gas Mask ducked. Gunshots. Bullets whizzed through the car.

“Shit!” Archie ducked and swerved. “What do they want!?”

***

Natalie sat in the driver’s seat, hair blowing in the wind. Pop music blasting. Justin stood in the seat next to her, squeezing off shots at the assholes. Natalie hit the accelerator, slammed them again. Justin stumbled and landed in the seat.

“Damn it!” Justin bitched. “Warn me when you’re gonna do that shit! I could have fell out!”

“Yeah, fuck you. Cheating fuck-face.” Natalie replied.

“Cheating!? Natalie, that was a movie! Remember!?”

She thought for a moment. “Oh. Right.”

“I can’t hit the bastards.” Justin reloaded his pistol. “They keep swerving. We gotta get them off the road.”

“What do you think I’m trying to do?” She rammed them. Their bumper fell off. “Now shoot the damn tires!”

Justin stood, fired some shots, sat back down. “I can’t do it! These things are way harder than they look!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Natalie sped up beside the car, swerved into the back end. The car spun in front of them. T-boned. Justin went flying over the windshield and the other car.

“Damn it, Natalie!” He yelled from the pavement.

Natalie hopped out of the car, whipped out a revolver. She glanced over at Justin who was pulling himself up. Leg was definitely broken. He limped over, spurting blood from his shin.

They stood at each side of the car. Pointed their guns.

“Hello again, Mr. Director sir.” Natalie smiled. “We’ve waited a long time for this.”

“Natalie!? Please, you don’t understand.”

“Shut up. Get out of the car. All of you.”

Archie stepped out with his hands in the air.

“Think this one’s unconscious!” Justin said.

“Who the hell is she?” Natalie aimed at Gas Mask hiding on the floorboard. “You too. Out.”

Gas Mask got out and stood next to Archie. Justin dragged the woman over and laid her down, then took aim at Gas Mask. Natalie kept her aim on Archie.

“Natalie. You have to let me explain.”

“Explain why you kept me as your slave? Brainwashed me? Turned me in to a tool for your stupid pro-loofah propaganda bullshit! Yeah, go right the fuck ahead. Explain, Mr. Director.”

“Oh, but before you do!” Justin interjected. POP! He fired a bullet through Gas Mask’s head.

“I don’t even know that person.” Archie replied.

“Oh.” Justin leaned against the wrecked car and yawned.

“Well?” Natalie poked Archie in the chest with her gun. “Go ahead.” She smiled. “Explain. So I can shoot you.”

“Okay,” Archie took a deep breath. “Listen. The loofahs? They were no different than you or I. But the government… They set out to eradicate them all. One loofah assassinates the president, so we have to wipe out their entire race? Everything in the media is bullshit. Lies. I set out to change that. I wanted to show the loofahs in a new light. Show people the truth so that we could band together and save them. What better way to do that than a Hollywood picture? Make them movie stars! People love movie stars!

“Except no one would ever believe me. Not without the film. Loofahs!? They’re murderers! Thieves! Would you have ever willingly agreed to be in my ‘propaganda’ film? I had to brainwash you. And all the others. The studio, the sponsors. Hell, even the loofahs. Everyone. It was the only way…”

A tear ran from Archie’s eye. “But then something went wrong. The brainwashing… It… It turned everyone in to fucking idiots. They couldn’t act worth a shit.” His lip quivered. “Always goofing off. Missing the point entirely! It was supposed to be a serious film! But no! You guys wouldn’t have that! It wasn’t funny! It was stupid! LOOFAH! LOOFAH! LOOFAH! Oh, I loofah you, Justin! Why I loofah you too, Natalie! HA. HA. HA.”

Archie scowled at Natalie. “Now they’re all dead. Every single loofah. Did you know I married one? Yeah, she was brainwashed too, but I loved that broad. Dead. And the footage? That’s gone. Natalie, if you kill me, no one will ever know the truth. You have to forgive me. I used you.” He glanced at Justin. “Both of you. And for that I am truly sorry. But I had a point to make. And I needed you guys to make it.”

Natalie looked at him coldly. “Can’t you see what a hypocrite you are? How is what you did any better than what you claim the government’s doing?”

“Because… I had a good reason.”

“We don’t care about your reason. We don’t exist to make your stupid points.”

“Then what is the point of you, Natalie?” Archie shrugged, wide-eyed. “Do you have a point? What good is existing if you never do a single meaningful thing?”

Natalie grinned. “Well I’m glad you asked. First off, what’s the woman’s name?” She pointed at the unconscious woman on the ground.

“I uh…” Archie thought hard. “I don’t… think she ever had one.”

“Perfect! Justin! Come over here.” Natalie put a hand on her hip. “How about you get to know the real us, Mr. Director, sir? And unlike you, we’re not gonna need a 300 word monologue of bullshit.”

***

The woman awoke, screaming as Natalie buzz-sawed her feet off.

“You getting this, Mr. Director?” Natalie giggled, blood slinging off the spinning blade.

Archie stood next to the camera man. “Keep rolling.”

The camera man nodded and did as he was told.

Justin popped the trunk of Archie’s car. “Woah! They have a fucking flamethrower in here!”

“Well, bring it the fuck over then!” Natalie tossed the saw aside.

The woman attempted to crawl away. “Archie! Please!” She cried, “Don’t let this happen!”

Justin passed the flamethrower to Natalie.

“You have to stop this!” The woman begged. “You can’t let them kill me!”

Archie looked down. Natalie lit a cigarette with the flamethrower.

The woman rolled on to her back and closed her eyes.

“Don’t let me die… Not like this.”

Justin placed the gun against Archie’s head.

Archie sighed.

“Keep rolling.”

Limp Bizkit plays over end credits.

________

Sean Kelly writes Bizarro stories. Read the first Gag Reel here.

________

Submit your bizarro flash fiction stories to FlashFictionFridaySubmissions@gmail.com.

 


Flash Fiction Friday: Gag Reel

by Sean Kelly

The couple stood on the beach where they had first met, the ocean water sloshing around their ankles. Justin stroked Natalie’s hair and she smiled. The moonlight glistened in her eyes. They gazed at each other. This was the moment they had been waiting for all these years. His heart raced as he leaned in and kissed her, so did hers. Their lips parted, but they remained close enough to breathe each other’s breath. Natalie ran her fingers down his chest.

“I’ve dreamt of this moment,” she kissed his shoulder. “For so long.”

“Me too,” Justin whispered in her ear. “I love you, Natalie.”

“I… I loofah you too, Justin.”

The crew broke in to laughter. Natalie blushed.

“Cut!” the director chuckled.

“Loofah!?” she teased herself. “Yeah, that’s right! I loofah you, Justin.”

“Why I loofah you too, my love!” he joked.

This put the crew in hysterics. Except the camera man, who just wanted to get this scene over with.

“Alright, alright.” The director wiped a tear from his eye. “Compose yourselves. From the top!”

The laughter stopped.

***

“The Romantic Beach. Scene 14. Take 2.” The crew member clapped a clapperboard.

Justin’s heart raced as he leaned in and kissed her, so did hers. Their lips parted, but they remained close enough to breathe each other’s breath. Natalie ran her fingers down his chest.

“I’ve dreamt of this moment,” she kissed his shoulder. “For so long.”

“Me too,” Justin whispered in her ear. “I loofah you, Nat-”

Uproarious laughter.

“Ah, see!? Now you’ve got me doing it!” He slapped himself on the forehead.

“Cut!”

The crew were all red in the face from their giggling. The camera man rolled his eyes, unamused.

“Okay, lets…” The director struggled to get his words out through intense laughter. “Lets try this again. Everyone, quiet on the set! From the top!”

The laughter stopped.

***

“The Romantic Beach. Scene 14. Take 3.” Clap.

Natalie ran her fingers down his chest.

“I’ve dreamt of this moment,” she kissed his shoulder. “For so long.”

“Me too,” Justin whispered in her ear. “I love you, Natalie.”

“I love you too, Justin.” She drifted off in deep thought for a moment. “What do you think it’ll be like when we grow old?”

Justin broke their embrace and looked down at the water.

“What is it, my love?” she asked, concerned.

“It’s just…” he was on the verge of tears. “There’s someone else…”

Natalie’s heart broke. Her skin went cold.

“Someone else!? How could this be? You love someone more than me?”

“Its…” he reached in his pocket.” “It’s my loofah!” he whipped out a loofah and used it as a puppet as he spoke in a high pitch voice.

“You’re not takin’ my man, you dirty bitch!” The loofah went off.

At this point the crew members were rolling around in the sand, gagging on their laughs. The clapperboard guy was so hysterical that he started bashing his own skull in with the clapperboard. The boom operator was hammering away at the ground with the mic. A stunt double puked.

“PFFFFT! Cut, people! Cut!” The director’s face looked like he was being strangled. “Quiet! Quiet on the-PFFFT! HAHAHAHA!”

The camera man rubbed his temples. He was becoming increasingly annoyed. Justin did a little jig with his loofah.

“LOOFAH! LOOFAH! LOOFAH!” he chanted in his high pitch loofah voice.

Crew members began passing out from laughing so hard. Natalie desperately gasped for air. He sat down in the ocean and pretended to bathe with the loofah.

“Oh baby! That’s right!” the loofah moaned. “Rub me all over your body!”

Clapperboard guy collapsed and his brains spilled out of his forehead. The boom operator used the mic to pole vault herself in to the ocean. The director frantically slapped himself in an attempt to regain his composure. One of the extras took off sprinting down the beach, his laughter disappearing in to the darkness.

By now, Justin had stripped naked and was scrubbing his balls with the loofah, continuing to talk for it. Natalie reached down and snatched it from him.

“Justin is mine, you silly loofah! He just uses you to clean my juices off his dick!” she chucked it out in to the ocean.

A few moments later, the boom operator popped up from the surface with the loofah in her mouth. She dog paddled to the beach while everyone continued to laugh. Once she stepped out to the sand, she bent her head back and fired the loofah in the air. It came back down and landed on the tip of Justin’s erect penis.

“Loofah, my love!” he grinned, pointing at it. “You came back to me!”

“Oh yeah! I couldn’t enough of your giant cock!” it replied.

This brought on unimaginable waves of laughter. Justin flexed his dick, flinging the loofah back in to the air. It fell several feet back in the ocean with a plop.

The camera man gritted his teeth and spoke sternly. “Can we please get this shot over with? I have shit to do.”

The director composed himself beyond a smirk that he couldn’t wipe off. “He’s right guys. Everyone quiet on the set. Let’s take it from the top!”

Clapperboard guy’s leg twitched slightly. He was dead. The director looked back at the puking stunt double to tell him to clap and realized that he was dead as well, his smiling corpse still puking an endless stream. He turned his attention to the camera man and raised an eyebrow. The camera man pinched the bridge of his nose and went over to clapperboard guy’s corpse, picked up his brain and walked in front of the camera.

***

“The Romantic Beach. Scene 14. Take 4.” The camera man said unenthusiastically, stretching the brain and releasing, causing it to make a slapping noise as it popped back in to form. He dropped it, went back around the camera and continued filming.

The couple stood on the beach where they had first met, Justin’s erect penis deflating. He poked the tip of Natalie’s nose and said “Boop!”, she smiled. They gazed at each other. This was the moment they had been waiting for all these years. His heart raced as he leaned in to kiss her.

Suddenly, the loofah washed on to shore. Natalie pushed Justin away.

“I cant…” she sighed. “Not with the loofah watching.”

The camera man slowly panned in on the loofah. It looked heartbroken.

“Don’t worry about that, Natalie,” he assured her. “That loofah was just a fling. It’s you that I love.”

A tear ran from Natalie’s eye. “I wish I could I believe that. But I’ve seen how you two are together. Loofahs are the perfect life form. Of course you’d choose it over me. I’m just a human. Inferior in every way.”

“Natalie… Please understand. It was just about sex. That loofah means nothing.”

She stared at him blankly. “Maybe you don’t realize it yet, but that loofah means everything.”

Natalie spit in his face, turned and walked in to the ocean. Justin began crying and looked over at the motionless loofah. His sadness turned to anger as he marched towards it.

“This is good.” The director whispered with a sinister smile. “Keep rolling.”

The camera man nodded and did as he was told.

Justin bent down over the loofah and gripped it with both hands. He spoke in his loofah voice again.

“Justin!?” The loofah cried, as his dick became erect again. “No! What are you doing!? Stop!”

He shoved his cock all the way through the loofah and began thrusting furiously.

“LOOFAH! LOOFAH! LOOFAH!” he chanted in his high pitch loofah voice, continuing to thrust.

“Yes! YES!” The director moaned, shoving his hands down his pants and playing with himself.

The camera man breathed heavily as he filmed, shoved the camera’s eyepiece deep in to his eye socket.

“LOOFAH! No, please let me go! LOOFAH! You’re hurting me!” the loofah begged for mercy through Justin’s mouth.

“AH! AH! YEEES!” The director moaned, a stain forming on the front of his slacks. “We’re gonna win an Oscar for this one, camera man.”

The eyepiece busted out the back of the camera man’s skull, dripping blood.

“TAKE IT! LOOFAH! TAKE IT ALL!” Justin screamed manically. “Take. Every. Fucking. Inch.” He threw his head back and howled like a wolf. Gallons of cum shot from the top of the loofah.

“LOOOOOOFAAAAAAAH!”

Justin did a little jig, then fell motionless, the cum soaked loofah still wrapped around his ejaculating cock. He convulsed and semen oozed from every orifice. His eyes rolled back. He was dead. The director pulled his sticky hands from his pants and ran them through his beard.

“Perfect,” he said. “That is a wrap.”

The camera man yanked the eyepiece out of his eye socket. Blood gushed from the holes on both sides of his head.

“About fucking time!” The camera man sighed in relief, unfazed by his head leakage. “I thought we’d never get that shot.”

The director licked cum and beard hair off his fingers. “But we got it. And boy did we ever. I fucking love this business, camera man.”

“Yeah… I fucking loofah this business too.” The camera man’s eye widened, his face went pale. “Wait! LOVE! I MEANT LOVE! I LOVE THIS BUSINESS! I-”

A shotgun blast blew the camera man’s head apart, splattering the director with brains. The headless body stood for a moment, projecting crimson several feet in the air, then fell and it’s limbs curled up like a spider.

“Cut.” A high pitched voice said.

A crew of man-sized loofahs were behind a second camera, filming the original crew. One of them lowered their smoking shotgun. The loofah director bounced over to the human director, who was actually just an actor in the loofah’s new experimental art film/interspecies rape porno.

“LOOFAH! LOOFAH! Sorry we had to kill your friend,” the loofah director apologized insincerely. “LOOFAH! But you know how expensive this film is. LOOFAH! We can’t afford any more fuck ups.”

The loofah yanked the film reel off the prop camera and started feeding it down the actor’s throat. After the last of the film had been consumed, the loofah stepped back.

“Are you ready to try again? LOOFAH!”

“Please…” The actor pleaded. “Just let me go. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t masturbate to a man fucking a loofah again. I’m all masturbated out. For Christ’s sake! My balls are killing me!”

The loofah thought for a moment. “Very well. LOOFAH! Put him out of his misery.”

The shotgun loofah raised his shotgun and fired a hole through the actor’s chest, ending him. The crew of loofahs began laughing uncontrollably.

“Alright, LOOFAH! Alright.” The loofah director said. “Compose yourselves. LOOFAH! LOOFAH! Lets take it from the top!”

The laughter stopped.

“But sir…” The loofah camera man interjected. ”All the actors are dead.”

The loofah director looked around at the bloody mess of corpses. “Hm. You’re right. LOOFAH! Wait, I’ve got it.”

***

“The Loofah Beach. Scene 21. Take 263.” The loofah crew member clapped a clapperboard.

Two loofahs stood, one holding Justin’s corpse, the other Natalie’s. They used the corpses as puppets and spoke in low pitch voices.

“I’ve dreamt of this moment,” the loofah slumped Natalie’s corpse forward to make it look like she was kissing Justin’s shoulder. “For so long.”

“Me too,” Justin whispered in her ear with a loofah’s voice. “I love you, Natalie.”

“I… I loofah you too, Justin.”

_______

Sean Kelly lives in Florida and is a writer of Bizarro and Splatterpunk.