Gollums, Neverending Story dragon-slaying, alien sightings, cannibalism, and yet another step towards the robot apocalypse. It’s time for a Bizarro News Roundup kids! Yee-haw!
- While on vacation, a Chinese tourist happened across a golum-like creature while taking a piss. News reports say the creature resembles Gollum from Lord of the Rings, but I think it looks more like something from Pan’s Labyrinth. What do you think?
- UFO sighting in Montana:
- In more alien news, a retired marine has admitted to dedicating 17 years to defending 5 human colonies against Martians. He even enjoyed a nice retirement ceremony on the moon. The 30-minute video at the source link is worth a watch.
- It’s only a game…or is it? 3 Americans have been hospitalized with demonic possession while playing with a Ouija board in Mexico. Demonic possession videos are trippy.
- What do old people taste like? Depends. An elderly French lady has been accused of murdering and eating her 80-year-old husband’s genitals and other body parts. She is now being nicknamed the “female Hannibal Lecter.” To be fair, Hannibal murdered and ate many victims and is really fucking hot.
- Peanut, the winner of the 2014 World’s Ugliest Dog contest is cute in a demonic, bowel-ripping way. No, he’s adorable and the contest raises awareness on the importance of adoption. Congrats Peanut! He should be the Bizarro mascot!
- Man on meth eats sparkles at a Burlington Coat Factory. And he wasn’t in Florida!
- This man needs help removing his 100 pound scrotum.
- Foreign exchange student gets trapped inside a giant vagina sculpture. He doesn’t want to be named. I’d own that shit!
- “Adelaide man Guy Albon, who had his four guns confiscated due to fears over his ‘mental competency’ brought about by him wearing a colander on his head in his gun licence photo, has been given the all clear after he insisted the utensil was crucial to his religion, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”
By Sam Reeve
I’ve studied, learned, grown and spent a lot of time as a professional artist making a decent living doing art, but in all that time and through all those jobs I’ve learned one all important thing. It was the time I spent, like the kid at the kitchen table, creating art for no other reason than sheer wonder of it all, that I was happiest.
Visit his website here to see more of his beautiful artwork.
- A Ukrainian couple were hit by a train while having sex on the train tracks. The woman was killed instantly and the man’s legs were torn off. In a statement to police he said “…my girlfriend and I could not overcome our passionate nature and wanted to feel a sense of thrill near a railway track,” Fair enough.
- A South Korean scientist was attacked by a cloned cow he created.
- Colombian man overdoses on Viagra and amputates his own penis.
- One of the most bizarre medical anomalies I’ve come across in a long time, a Tennessee woman begins growing nails in every hair follicle in her body. ::shudder::
- In other medical anomaly news, this 4-year-old Burmese girl has a rare medical condition which makes her look like an old woman.
- Doctors grow a nose on a Chinese man’s forehead after getting into a bad accident which destroyed his original nose.
- 32-year- old man who lost a leg in a motorcycle accident now has the first mind-controlled bionic leg. I want to lose my limbs now.
- You know I’m hitting the refresh button daily on the latest robot news. Robots are fucking awesome. This robot not only pours you drinks but can tell when you need another drink just by reading your body language! WANT!
- Woman stabs her roommate because he wouldn’t stop listening to the Eagles. She better not move to Thailand then because “Hotel California” is the unofficial national anthem here!
- Toothless UK man bites his neighbor’s penis for playing his Xbox too loud.
- New Jersey woman throws shit in the face of a parking officer. I think we all wish we could do that.
- A Utah woman ordered her husband to shoot their trailer park neighbor because she said he was “telepathically raping her” and “using crack cocaine to control her mind.”
- Fuck you Miley, Big Freedia, the queen of bounce, and 358 dancers set the Guinness world record for twerking. Go Freedia!
- Meanwhile in Russia, two men get into a fight over Kant’s philosophy while waiting in line to buy booze and one of the guys ends up shooting the other but he’s ok because the gun wasn’t lethal. But isn’t that the opposite of WWKD?
- In most awesome-job-in-the-world news, NASA is offering $18,000 for people to stay in bed for 70 days!
- Being nicknamed “The Real Life Mowgli,” a book has been released about a girl who grew up in the African jungle with her wildlife photographer parents. The book is called Tippi of Africa and the pics are beautiful.
- Worried About Gators, Florida Man Dives Through Car Window As Precaution; Later Admits Shooting Up “A Lot Of Cocaine.” via @_FloridaMan
- In the latest Northampton Clown news, the Northampton clown wishes for less hate and more love. I love you Northampton Clown! But that’s because I a coulrophiliac. Here is a great interview with the Northampton clown.
Until next time Bizarros!
The good news is there will never be a shortage of Bizarro news…
- “A Tulsa man is facing a laundry list of charges for the second time this month — this time, accused of stealing a truck, escaping from a hospital and falling through a restaurant’s ceiling vent naked.”
- Red Bull heir runs over and kills a police officer with his Ferrari, skips his trial to go on “business trip.”
- UK police mistake Angelina Jolie, Daniel Craig, Tom Cruise, and Arnold look-alikes for IRL criminals.
- Gnome homes have mysteriously appeared in Kansas town. No sighting of gnomes yet but Kansas better be careful because gnomes can be fucking creepy.
- Retired lab chimpanzee wins $10,000 prize in a chimpanzee art competition. Contest was held by the Humane Society.
- Woman in New Mexico gives birth after being struck by lightning. Her baby girl is now called “little Flash Gordon.”
- European company invests $11 million to make robot cops. Sorry, robot technology is still not Terminator/RoboCop/Battlestar level yet. I’ll let you know when it is…
- Chicken swallows a diamond ring. Thankfully her nice caretaker will wait until she dies of natural causes to get the earring back.
- Canadian man swallows severed human toe at a bar in Yukon and had to pay a $500 fine and leave town since now the bar can’t serve “Sourtoe Cocktails” anymore until they find another toe. Adventurous drinkers would drink a cocktail of whiskey with the mummified toe inside and it had to touch their lips. As for the taste, one patron said: “The whisky was the only thing I could taste but the toe was like a leathery piece of jerky — with a toenail attached to it,” There are several videos at the link.
- Hot burlesque dancer sets off fire alarm with her fiery nipples during a performance, making everyone evacuate.
- Gang of drunk deer threaten a Swedish man and keep him from entering his house. Drunk elk are a reoccurring problem in Sweden because they like to get wasted on fermented fruit which are plentiful. They also get really aggressive when drunk.
- Meanwhile in Japan…
Until next time Bizarros!
by Tracy Vanity
You know when you were a kid and were watching Terminator 2 and were like “Damn, what if that really happened?” and then you re-watched it when you were older and were like “wait a minute…” and then you watched The Matrix and shit really fucked with your head didn’t it?
Well Bizarros, the moment you’ve all been dreaming about is here! Robots are going to take over the world and destroy us all but the good thing is that at least the Robocalypse will look cool because robots are fucking awesome. At least they are much cleaner and efficient than zombies and they will clean our homes, fuck us, and serve us booze, before killing us all!
So here is the latest in Robocalypse technology:
Wu Yulu, a Chinese farmer, from a small village, outside Beijing, has created a series of 47 robots, out of scrap metal. They can accomplish various functions, from drinking, to walking and even pulling a rickshaw.
…The strangest thing, about Wu Yulu, is he declared he loves his metal robots, more than he loves his own kids. He refers to his rickshaw robot as his 32nd son, and even programmed it to say “Wy Yulu is my dad, I take him out on the town.” How cool is that!
More than 70 countries already use unmanned drones – aerial vehicles that are capable of gathering intelligence, or seeking and, if necessary, eliminating targets. At present, the latter decision is still made by human operators via remote control. Human decision-making, however, seems to be waning, while unmanned fighter robots act increasingly on their own. The pilotless aircraft can already be programmed to maneuver completely autonomously. The X-47B drone is still being tested, but once it is ready for action, the aircraft will be able to conduct missions largely autonomously and without human control.
The wonderful people at DARPA just posted this cute robot:
Meet “Robbie the Robot” who is playing a game of what appears to be Simon all by himself which means he can become self-aware at any moment and destroy the planet.
Scientists have created a paper-thin flexible “skin” that can detect pressure that’s a few hundred times lighter than a gentle touch. This new material could eventually make its way into artificial or robotic limbs — but for now researchers have found that it is absolutely amazing at reading a pulse.
Scientists have successfully replicated the behaviour of a colony of ants on the move with the use of miniature robots, as reported in the journal PLOS Computational Biology. The researchers, based at the New Jersey Institute of Technology (Newark, USA) and at the Research Centre on Animal Cognition (Toulouse, France), aimed to discover how individual ants, when part of a moving colony, orient themselves in the labyrinthine pathways that stretch from their nest to various food sources.
World’s smallest robot, Robobee, has wingspan of three centimetres
It looks like a large drill, but this piece of equipment in South Canberra is no construction tool.
In years to come it may make your smartphone even smarter and help your car drive itself, with scientists believing basic global positioning technology can be accurate to the centimetre by the end of the decade.
The Pentagon has released a video of a robotic arm able to handle tools well enough to nearly complete a tire change.
And while the video is new, Gill Pratt, a project manager at the Pentagon’s Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), told The New York Times it’s already outdated as the team has moved on to more dexterous hands capable of actually threading a bolt
According to its site, DARPA is the “principal agency within the Department of Defense for high-risk, high-payoff research, development and demonstration of new technologies and systems that serve the warfighter and the Nation’s defense.”
Inventions to have come out of their labs include stealth fighters, remote-controlled vehicles and GPS. Furthermore, the agency played a leading role in the development of the Internet.
Despite the obvious benefits of these innovations, however, many who see the video of the robotic arm unscrewing bolts from a tire are seeing much more than a leap forward in robotics – they are seeing a world of even fewer jobs for human hands.
And how can I make a Robocalypse post without some of the latest robot news from Japan?
Kenshiro is the next step for the researchers. Their previous effort resulted in a robot they called Kojiro – a robot that demonstrated the huge strides that have come in mimicking the human body, as well as the very long road yet to travel. In this new iteration, Kenshiro was preceded by a robot concept the team called Kenzoh. In that effort the team found that simply adding artificial muscle and bones generally tended to create weight problems. The upper body alone came to 45 kg. That caused the team to go back to the drawing board, this time with the idea of mimicking human bone and muscle at the individual body part level, i.e. a backbone, calf, or knee joint. Each part was custom designed to fall within the weight parameters of actual human limbs and other parts of the body.
If you’re looking for something more classic, there’s a Giant 1950s robot Gygan up for sale.
Don’t worry, it seems like we’re still a few years off from being robot slave bitches, but I’d keep a close eye on what DARPA are getting into if I were you…
Till next time Bizarros!