It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a Bizarro news roundup. Lots of weird shit has been going on as usual so here’s a summary of what’s been happening:
- Exotic snake kills two boys in Canada. An African rock python escaped from his enclosure and killed two boys who were asleep inside an apartment above a pet store where the snake was being kept illegally. The python has since been put down by a veterinarian and the owners of the pet store have received a wave of negative backlash from the public. African rock pythons are one of the largest species of snakes in the world but attacks on humans are rare.
- Last month in Australia, police were investigating a pawn shop burglary only to find a 19-foot python hiding behind some clothes.
“Its head was the size of a small dog,” Auld said. “It must have been hiding when we went there the first time.”
Authorities believe the snake fell into the charity store through the roof, which was damaged in a storm several years earlier. It fell inside, knocking items over, and then relieved itself on the floor.
A snake handler was called in to dispose of the reptile, which weighed nearly 38 pounds. It was then released back into the wild.
“In this undated photo released by Anthony Martin, escape artist Anthony Martin of Sheboygan, Wis., escapes from a wooden box that was locked and pushed out of a plane at 13,500 feet in August 1988, in Sandwich, Ill. On Tuesday, Aug. 6, 2013, the escape artist will lay inside a plywood box that is subsequently shoved out of an airplane at 14,500 feet to the sky over Serena in northern Illinois, with his hands cuffed to a belt around his waist and his right arm chained to the inside of the box. Photo: Courtesy Of Anthony Martin”
- A pentagram has been discovered in a Google Maps shot of an area in Kazakhstan. There is a logical explanation:
Though it’s difficult to discern from an aerial photograph exactly what the Kazakh pentagram is, Emma Usmanova, an archaeologist with years of experience working in the Lisakovsk area, has an answer.“It is the outline of a park made in the form of a star,” Usmanova told LiveScience. The star was a popular symbol during the Soviet era (Kazakhstan was a part of the former Soviet Union until its dissolution in 1991). Stars were often used throughout the Soviet Union to decorate building facades, flags and monuments. (Several online comments had suggested the star shape was the abandoned site of a Soviet-era lakeside campground.)The star in the Soviet-era lakeside park is marked by roadways that are now lined with trees, Usmanova explained, which make the star shape even more distinct in aerial photos. Additional images of the site, now abandoned and overgrown with weeds, can be seen at englishrussia.com.
- A 12-year-old girl took a swim in a lake Arkansas and became infected with a rare, brain-eating parasite.
“The 12-year-old Arkansas girl who was infected with a rare brain-eating parasite is showing remarkable improvement, her doctors said Tuesday.
Kali Hardig is still listed in critical condition at Arkansas Children’s Hospital, but over the past 48 hours, she’s grown alert to the point where she can gesture in response to questions, according to Dr. Mark Heulitt, an intensive care specialist. Heulitt has scheduled a test for Tuesday afternoon to see whether Hardig can breathe without the breathing tube that she’s had for more than two weeks.
Hardig’s doctors are in virtually uncharted territory. Of 128 known cases in the past half-century, just two patients have survived, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The infection is caused by a microscopic amoeba called Naegleria fowleri, found in hot springs and warm, fresh water, most often in the southeastern United States.
The amoeba enters the body through the nose and travels to the brain. You cannot be infected with the organism by drinking contaminated water, the CDC says.”
- 15-ton blob of fat found growing in London sewer!
“Given we’ve got the biggest sewers and this is the biggest fatberg we’ve encountered, we reckon it has to be the biggest such berg in British history,” Hailwood said.
The monstrous blob of fat was created by people pouring food fat down the drain, and by flushing baby wipes down the toilet. Thames Water discovered the fatberg after residents in the suburb of Kingston, Surrey, complained that they couldn’t flush their toilets.
By using closed-circuit television (CCTV), investigators discovered the creamy white fatberg, which had reduced the 28-inch (70 centimeter) sewer pipe to just 5 percent of its normal capacity.
“The sewer was almost completely clogged,” Hailwood said. “If we hadn’t discovered it in time, raw sewage could have started spurting out of manholes across the whole of Kingston.”
- Man shoots wife over a bet on a Nintendo Wii game:
Keith Wiens admitted to firing a single shot into the head of Lynn Kalmring in August 2011 at their Penticton home, but maintains she was carrying a knifeand he acted in self-defence. His trial, in front of a jury in B.C. Supreme Court in Kelowna, continued this week after a one-month break.
On the witness stand Thursday, Wiens said the pair arrived home from a motorcycle ride around 5 p.m. the day before the shooting.
They drank alcohol, ate dinner, then played Nintendo Wii video games. He said the two often made bets of a sexual nature on the games.
He lost the bet that night, and when he went to bed around 10:40 p.m., found sex toys on his pillow, but moved them aside because he wanted to rest up for a golf game the next day. He said Kalmring became upset when she saw that he was not in the mood to settle the bet.
- Chinese scientists grow teeth from stem cells taken from urine. The stem-cell-urine-teeth are weak and can’t actually be used as teeth. Prof Chris Mason, a stem cell scientist at University College London, said urine was a poor starting point.
- Guy in New York tries to sell a baby on Craisglist for $100. Everyone now thinks he’s a giant asshole.
- As you may have heard/read, scientists have successfully created lab meat. The meat was created using stem cells from a living cow so it’s not vegan and I wouldn’t eat it unless all plant life dies and that’s all that’s left to eat in the apocalypse, but others would eat it even sans apocalypse. This has now paved the way for lab leather but BurritoBot still needs some work.
- Man passes out drunk and wakes up with no penis. Fuck, that sucks.
- French feral cats attack a woman and her poodle.
A woman walking her dog in one of France’s most attractive tourist areas was the victim of a ‘nightmare’ attack when a pack of six feral cats dragged her to the ground and mauled her severing an artery.
The 31-year-old victim, who was walking at the edge of a wood in Belfort, in the north-eastern region Franche-Comté, was left traumatised by the attack and suffered bites to her arms and legs along with a gashed artery.
Her dog was also badly hurt in the incident.
It is thought the attack may be related to the high summer temperatures perhaps making the cats more aggressive than usual.
Josette Galliot, the mother of the victim told l’Est Republicain newspaper she had been ‘living a nightmare’ since the attack on Sunday.
Well, that about covers it. I’m going to swim in a murky lake with some feral French cats and watch Soylent Green while eating processed Chinese soy meat in the shape of a plucked chicken. Maybe I’ll piss out some teeth. Until next time Bizarros!
by Cameron Pierce
The beavers were busy painting their dam black.
The deer had recently twisted their antlers into pentagrams. The beavers wanted to show those deer who was goth. A black dam was more sinister than pentagram antlers, at least the beavers hoped.
After a few salmon attended a Bauhaus reunion concert while away on their spawning run, all the salmon had taken to wearing plastic vampire fangs. The forest had been on a morbid kick ever since.
The beavers finished painting their dam. Black paint dripped into the river and the river turned black.
Salmon heads poked up in the white-capped current. The salmon were sputtering. They spit out their plastic vampire fangs and said, “We started this, and now we’ve had enough. Please stop trying to be goth.”
“Not goth enough to swim in a black river?” said a beaver with a sneer.
The salmon looked at each other. They always spoke as one when they spoke. “We’ve decided we like being plain old salmon best of all. Being goth salmon has its perks, but we miss the not-so-sinister things in life.”
“Like what?” asked the sneering beaver, genuinely confused that anything that was not satanic and depressing could be meaningful. The sneering beaver had forgotten all about life before the goth days.
The salmon began listing off all the fun and beautiful things in life that were neither satanic nor depressing.
The beavers slapped their tails against the ground while the salmon listed off fun and beautiful things. The beavers felt sad and wistful, remembering all the fun and beautiful things they used to do. The salmon were right. The forest had become a much colder, crueler place when everyone turned goth.
The beavers bent down at the river’s edge and began washing off the white powder on their faces, the black makeup caked around their eyes.
The salmon continued listing off all the fun and beautiful things in life. There were a lot of them, when you thought hard about it.
As the beavers busied themselves with cleaning, the deer with pentagram antlers crept amidst the trees on the other side of the river. The deer carried butcher knives and chainsaws in their hooves.
The deer leapt into the river and massacred the salmon. When all the salmon were dead, the river turned to blood.
The swift river swept the deer downstream, until they were nothing more than pentagrams in the distance, and then they were not even that.
The beavers dipped their paws into the blood and marveled the beauty of this life-giving substance. They raised their bloody paws to the sky and threw up a great big cheer for life. It was the most fun they ever had.
Cameron Pierce is the editor of Lazy Fascist Press and the author of The Pickled Apocalypse of Pancake Island, Lost in Cat Brain Land, Ass Goblins of Auschwitz, Shark Hunting in Paradise Garden, and most recently, Abortion Arcade. His fiction has appeared in The Barcelona Review, Warmed and Bound, The Bizarro Starter Kit (Purple), and many other publications.