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Posts tagged “lee widener

New Release: Under the Shanghai Tunnels

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“In these stories you’ll discover legends, monsters, secret tunnels, and magical elves–along with some interesting true history. Widener has a way of combining the gritty and the whimsical, crafting tall tales that exude a streetwise wisdom and his own unique sense of humor. Imagine traditional fairy tales embellished by a wise-cracking favorite uncle, and you’re almost there.” – S.P. Miskowski, author of I Wish I Was Like You

“Reading Lee Widener is like listening to late-night radio: Uncanny, unpredictable, unusual, and apt to introduce you to your next favorite thing. The stories in Under the Shanghai Tunnels showcase Widener at his bizarro best, mashing up monster movies, Lovecraftian squick, and Dr. Demento-style pop weirdness. Pick it up and have a blast!” – Ross E. Lockhart Editor & Publisher, Word Horde Books

“Moody, atmospheric and dripping with dread, Lee Widener’s collection is not to be missed.” -Kate Jonez, Bram Stoker Award-nominated author

“Weird tales indeed. The most entertaining/funny/strange collection I’ve read this year. Widener should probably be institutionalized. Great stories from a very imaginative author.” – Gina Ranalli, author of Mother Puncher and Suicide Girls in the Afterlife

Get it here


Weird Anthology Watch

Two anthologies have recently arrived, each featuring some familiar names from the bizarro scene.

First, Lee Widener has a story called He Was So Old in the latest issue of Neo-opsis Science Fiction Magazine.

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And both Cody Goodfellow and Garrett Cook appear in A Breath from the Sky: Unusual Stories of Possession from Martian Migraine Press.

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Help Bizarro Artist Lee Widener Create!

Lee Widener is an artist who’s weird, and now he’s asking you, The Internet, to help him continue making weird art. Here’s the pitch:

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I have gotten a lot of good feedback on my weird cartoons and artwork over the years and recently decided to offer my artwork on a variety of products: mugs, shirts, note cards, art prints, and many other items.

My problem is when I enlarge the artwork for reproduction the images look terrible. They were all originally drawn on porous paper with markers, and the colors tended to bleed and mix together resulting in a muddy and sloppy looking images. I need to redo all the artwork, which is no problem, but to get the cleanest, highest quality images I want to work digitally, and for that I need some equipment.

The funds I raise will be used to buy a Wacom Art Drawing Tablet, a simple scanner, and a registered copy of Corel Artist Essentials 5, as well as postage for rewards to the wonderful people who donate to this fundraiser.

To be able to offer my artwork to the world in the best possible versions will be an artistic dream come true. I will be able to make my visions look better than they ever have before, and show the world my bizarre universe as it’s meant to be! Your support will be invaluable!

When the shop opens it will feature my Welcome to Weirdsville Cartoons, Psychedelic Nightmares series, Cosmic Collage art, and a brand new series of digital art yet to be revealed!

If you are amused by my silly artwork please consider helping me take my art to the next level! I’d love to be able to open this shop in time for the holiday season 2017, so donate today! You don’t have to choose one of the rewards- any amount helps!

Thank you all, and please share on social media to spread the word!

Go Fund LEE.


Have a Bizarro Christmas

Christmas is actually a really weird holiday, and bizarro writers have captured its weirdness in the past with books like Sausagey Santa and Christmas on Crack. But in 2016, some new voices have come forward to write weird stories about this cherished holiday season.

GIVE OF YOURSELF

Give of Yourself: A Bizarro Christmas Tale by [Widener, Lee]

A savagely satirical look at Christmas traditions in a science fiction setting where giving of yourself is taken to a literal extreme. This is not your typical Christmas story- this is Bizarro Fiction, so be prepared for weirdness!

Lee Widener’s latest excursion into Bizarro, following “David Bowie is Trying to Kill Me!” and “Rock N Roll Head Case,” is another example of his unique style of Bizarro Fiction. Follow the Flortwire family as they celebrate Christmas in a far future world even stranger than our own!

NOTE: This is a Kindle SINGLE, not a full novel, and in the great tradition of Christmas through the ages, it’s overpriced for the holidays! Get it here!

SATAN’S LITTLE HELPER

Satan's Little Helper by [Sweeney, Kevin]

 

Stuffed full of Xmas magic and stomach churning ultra-violence, it’s THE HUNGER GAMES garroted with fairy lights and force fed to THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS!

The devil only wants to be adored, and thinks that remaking himself as “Satan Claus” will win the hearts of the world’s children. From dictator of Hell to beloved myth of childhood, it’s certainly an ambitious career change.

He totally fucks it up.

Trying to set things right, he invites children from every country in the world to the North Pole to take part in a contest, a scavenger hunt, with the winners becoming his little helpers on Xmas Eve. With Adolf the Red-Nosed Reichdeer and his army of dwarf Elvis Presley clones helping, it’s bound to be a success… Except for one problem.

All the kids are armed to the teeth. And all the kids want to kill him. Get it here!


Flash Fiction Friday: 2015 New Bizarro Authors, Pt. 2

The next three books to be featured from the 2015 NBAS are:


Arachnophile by Betty Rocksteady (Buy It Now!)

My neighbor dangled in front of me, her limbs working restlessly against a strand of web. Her legs arched and trembled as her eyes acknowledged me. I could see recognition in them, and she wavered in greeting. I nodded, my forehead breaking out in a sweat.

A drop of venom shone on her fang, glinting in the light. She swung into the elevator, her large body arcing gracefully through the air. The limited space crowded us together, and she brushed against me, sending a shiver down my spine. There was a moment where I thought I would run, but the door closed.

We were alone. Her head inclined slightly toward me, the silence heavy in the air.

“Erm.. I hope… I do hope you’re settling in okay.” I croaked. Her eyes shone. She remained silent, but my words seemed to lull her and she turned away from me, allowing my eyes to take her all in.

I had never been so close to one before. The soft curves of her body were beautiful and grotesque, the smooth gleaming shell of her abdomen. The patterns of shapes and colors she displayed were fascinating. She glanced over her shoulder at me, as if she knew I was watching, and something about the way her eyes shone set off a reaction in me, heat filling my cheeks.

The elevator sank down dozens of floors and we stood there together for a silent eternity. I could feel how conscious she was of my presence. I couldn’t stop thinking of the effect she had on me the other night. A faint tinge of that same sweet musky smell permeated the elevator, bringing the memory into sharp focus, how hard I had been. How hard I was becoming now.

Without looking at me, one of her back legs extended towards me. Slowly. Casually. A gentle caress against my calf, rubbing it along the side of my ankle. She paused for a moment at my sharp intake of breath, but pushed just a little further and I felt the brush of her flesh- sharp, angular, inhuman, against the sensitive inside of my ankle. I longed to stroke her smooth exoskeleton, but my hands felt clumsy, sweaty, numb.

The elevator stopped suddenly. We had arrived. She walked gracefully out, her eyes glinting back at me. I stood in the empty elevator, face red, and watched her abdomen sway as she walked away.

What was I becoming?


Rock ‘n’ Roll Head Case by Lee Widener (Buy It Now!)

At the Nuclear Burger Chaino draped the towel over the head and strode through the front door. That felt good. He hated going around back to the employee’s entrance. The manager spotted him immediately.

“Durante, what the hell’s the matter with you? You’re late,” he said.

“I ain’t late, I’m right on time,” Chaino replied.

“Look at the clock, moron. You’re ten minutes late.”

“No I ain’t. I don’t work here no more.”

“What the? Are you quitting, Durante? You need to give two weeks notice.”

“I’m quitting right now and I’m robbing this place.”

The manager laughed.

“Robbing us? You and what army, loser?”

“This army,” Chaino said, pulling the towel from Alice Cooper’s head.

“What the hell is that, a Halloween mask?”

The young lady behind the cash register gasped. “Ew, gross!” she said.

“Durante, put that thing down, get into your uniform and get in back. Now.” the manager said.

“I tell you, I’m robbing this place!” Chaino shouted.

“Pull the trigger, kid,” Alice Cooper said.

Chaino pointed Alice Cooper at the manager and pulled the trigger. Cooper opened his mouth and a giant spider web shot out, wrapping itself around the manager.

“What the hell?” the manager squeaked, trying to pull the web off.

“Empty the registers and give me all the money,” Chaino said, pointing the head at the cashier.

“Sure, Chaino. Whatever you say,” she said, dumping the money into the largest take-out bag they had and handing it over.

“I never liked you either,” Chaino said, pulling the trigger again, wrapping a web around the cashier.

The girl screamed and fell on the floor.

“I’m sorry Chaino! I never meant anything! Just joking, you know. Geez!”

“Point me at that asshole manager again and pull the trigger one more time,” Alice Cooper said.

Chaino pulled the trigger and this time dozens of black spiders came pouring from the head’s mouth, each with a tiny red hourglass on its abdomen.

“What the fuck, Chaino!” the manager screamed as the spiders bit into his flesh, each one injecting its poison.

The manager twitched a few times and then lay motionless.

“Holy cripes, Alice, I didn’t want to kill anybody. I just wanted to rob the place.”

“He was a jerk,” Alice Cooper said. “We’d better get out of here.”

“Yeah, good idea,” Chaino said, glancing back at the manager’s body.

As he hurried through the door he heard the cashier scream so loud he could hear her clear through the glass door. Shit, he just killed a guy. With Alice Cooper’s head.


Slasher Camp for Nerd Dorks by Christoph Paul (Buy It Now!)

He opened his eyes and took one last look at the Finals Orgy. They were now in full-coitus unaware of what Jason saw—a group of nude women and men walking slowly toward them. They were covered in dirt and scars. They kept their eyes on the teenagers like they were prey and their only purpose was to devour them.

Jason was not scared seeing the creepy sight. He let out a big breath and smiled feeling relief at seeing the Fuck Followers.

These nude people who attacked those having sex were scattered all over the nation. They were given the crude nickname because they were neither Final nor Slasher, but they attacked and killed anyone engaging in coitus or anyone who wasn’t a virgin.

When Slasher and Final citizenship went federal, there was an option for people to be in an experimental program to be in neither group but to still help with population control. If you refused to choose you were put to death. 97.8% accepted their new roles of Final or Slasher, 1.2% chose to be put to death, and 1% of old-America chose the experimental population program.

Doctors worked on neurotransmitters, stem cells, linguistic and senses programing believing they could program the group of useless people to attack those engaged in intercourse to stop more pregnancies. Through the experimental retraining program, the 1% of men and women lost their sense of identity and became like dogs able to sniff the act of sex and go and stop it.

The experiment worked a little too well as the “Fuck Followers” as laymen labeled them, went after not just current sex acts but also anyone who was no longer a virgin. The scientists didn’t realize the scent of sex stayed on all human beings. While the Slasher and Final society emerged and stayed strong, the Fuck Followers became the boogeymen that both sides feared.

The only people who didn’t fear them were virgins and Jason sat down against the tree for the first time since he got there, feeling like he could relax.
He couldn’t believe the Finalers didn’t notice how close the Followers were. He felt a little bad for them and maybe even a little jealous. He never cared that much about sex but the thought of Rachel The Slazer made him realize like everyone else he wanted to get laid and also that the Finalers were people and didn’t deserve a Fuck Follower Fatality.

Jason stepped out from behind the tree and called out, “Hey, Finals,” they looked up from bliss, looking embarrassed and angry. “Though I hate you guys, none of us should get killed by Fuck Followers. They are coming for you and you should run.”

The naked Finalers went from anger to concern when they looked away from Jason and saw six Fuck Followers coming from different angels.
“Ooooblow bluckkk,” said a Final girl with an erect penis still in her mouth.