Justin Grimbol’s emotional, degenerate coming-of-age novella is now available in French! As if Grimbol’s amazingly perverse and heartwarming fiction wasn’t classy enough.
Get yours here, s’il vous plaît
From Justin Grimbol and Atlatl Press comes a book of poetry about Upstate New York and marriage: Mud Season.
Next, Moses Guttchenridder has several problems. His business, Macramania, is going under. His lovelife is in the toilet. Oh, and he has been forced into helping a murderous garden gnome take his revenge on the brothers of a fraternity who make sport out of destroying garden gnomes. The only spot of good news is that he has been chosen at random to become the new face of Krap-Wad Toilet Paper, replacing their beloved spokesanimal, Tenderbear, who has been arrested for drunk driving. The new head of Krap-Wad, Regan Moribund, falls in love Moses, but their relationship is put immediately in jeopardy when Tenderbear escapes his jail cell and goes on a murderous rampage, killing everyone who crosses his path. The former head of Krap-Wad toilet paper, Giles Moribund, attempts to re-take over the company by hiring a hitman, Asigao, to kill his daughter, Regan. When Moses, Regan, Giles, Asiago, the muderous gnome and several others converge on New York City, it becomes a bloody masacre to see who will remain on top of the dangerous toilet paper world. At turns humorous and horrifying, Tenderbear Goes Apeshit is another twisted offering from the mind of Bix Skahill (Babes in Gangland and Dope Tits). Get it here!
And finally, Mother’s Revenge: A Dark and Bizarre Anthology of Global Proportions. What happens when you abuse your mother? It’s not pretty. It’s not nice. And she can get downright mean and nasty if you don’t straighten up and make amends. In this mixed genre group of eco-tales, thirty-two authors from around the globe offer up some lessons in why it’s wise to be kind to Mother Earth. Read and take heed. Your very life may depend on it!
by Justin Grimbol
Gwen saw two beached whales and became so excited she started jumping up and down.
“Mom? Dad?” she called out to them.
The whales looked at her.
“You’ve come back for me!” she yelled.
She ran up to them.
She tried to hug them but they were too big. Her human arms couldn’t reach around that big fat whale bodies.
“I always knew you would come back,” she kept saying.
She told them about her life. It was a long story. There were lots of boring parts.
“I’m just so glad you are here,” she said.
She tried to hug them again. They were still too big. Her arms were still too human.
It was a hot day. Her parents looked thirsty.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll get you some water.”
She walked back to the parking lot and got in her Saab and headed toward Easthampton.
“WHERE THE FUCK CAN I BUY WATER?” she screamed.
The movie theatre had just opened. They sold lots of stuff there. They had hot dogs and soda and popcorn and all sorts of candy. She decided to get them Diet Pepsi. Diet Pepsi was healthier and her parents were fat. Way too fat.
But, in order to get inside she had to buy a movie ticket.
She bought a ticket to Rocky XXII.
At first she had no actually interest in watching the movie. She just wanted access to buy some diet soda for her parents. But the idea of buying a movie ticket and not seeing the movie felt wasteful to her. So she watched the movie.
It was really good. Rocky had a bunch of grandkids and he yelled at them a lot. He told them about discipline and perseverance, and, for some reason, watching this made Gwen really emotional. She cried a little.
Then she thought about her parents and how much she missed them, and she cried some more.
After the movie she bought as much diet soda as she could carry.
She put the sodas in the trunk of her car and started driving toward the beach.
The beach felt really far away.
And driving was just so hard sometimes.
By the time she finally got there it was night.
She gathered up all the sodas from her trunk and headed to the beach.
“MOM! DAD! I BOUGHT YOU DIET SODA!” she yelled.
The two whales smelled strange and didn’t breathe much.
She poured the sodas on them.
“Isn’t it so good,” she said.
It had been a long day.
After feeding her parents all that soda, Gwen decided to take a nap, using one of their fins as a blanket.
When she woke up she noticed that they weren’t breathing at all.
And they smelled really bad.
“Mom? Dad? Please wake up?”
She ran at them. She hurled her body on theirs.
She begged them to wake up.
And she cried.
She hit them and clawed at them and begged them to come back to life. But they didn’t listen.
The sun was rising.
The waves were loud and comforting in all the wrong ways.
You’ve heard of Justin Grimbol. Google him or something.
by Justin Grimbol
At around noon, a package was delivered to our front door. It was massive.
I dragged it inside, found a knife in the kitchen, tore it open.
The box was filled with glitter. Rainbow colored. Rainbow was my favorite color and I got really excited.
Vanessa walked in wearing the shortest short pants, making it so I could see her underbutt. Underbutt is my second favorite color.
“What’s this shit?” she said.
“I know,” I said.
“What do we do with it?”
I looked at her with a goofy grin on my face.
Her eyes got all big and I could tell she was excited about the idea.
I rushed us to the kitchen and made us some bad ass margaritas.
At first she didn’t know if she wanted to party. It was still so early in the day. But once she had a sip of my super special margarita with whipped cream all over the top of it, I could tell Vanessa would be so into it.
We drank our first drink and stared at the glitter. Her phone rang.
“It’s probably Phil,” she said. “I’ll call him later.”
Phil was her boyfriend. He was a party planner. He planned birthdays for famous people. But he didn’t actually like to party. He never wanted to get drunk or have any fun. It made no sense to me.
But that didn’t matter. He wasn’t coming.
I made us another glass.
“Now what?” she asked.
I called up some friends.
Once they heard there was a box of glitter they all rushed over.
Usually Vanessa hated my friends. She thought they were all kinda stinky. But she seemed less annoyed that day.
Once our guests arrived, we started playing with the glitter. We tossed it around and let it rain over us. It was so colorful and shiny.
And there was so much of it. The supply seemed never-ending.
We kept tossing it around.
Eventually we got all the glitter out of the box.
The floor was covered in the stuff.
“LET’S GET NAKED!” Vanessa yelled.
I was shocked. I hadn’t seen this girl act this way since college and that was a really long time ago.
She stripped down and she looked extra hot.
Her gazoongas were medium sized and had these big brownish red nipples on them. Her ass was small. Too small, but adorable.
My friends all got naked too.
We rolled around in the glitter until we were covered in the stuff.
The doorbell rang.
I found some random underpants and put them on, but they were too baggy and they barely fit. I pulled it up until the waist band had reached my nipples. The doorbell kept ringing.
“HOLD ON! I’M COMING! I’M COMING!”
Vanessa looked nervous. I told her to relax, that everything would be fine
I found some duct tape. That helped hold my boxers up.
The doorbell rang again.
I looked at Vanessa. She looked scared. I couldn’t understand what the big deal was. What was she so freaked out about?
I answered the door.
It was the mail man.
He told me that a box was delivered to our address accidentally.
He looked at all my naked friends.
He looked at the glitter that was all over the floor and our bodies.
He looked at the opened UPS box I had ripped open.
He looked at me, my boxers, and back at me again.
I hadn’t read the name on the package. That was my mistake. If I had, I would have realized it was meant to be delivered to my neighbor.
“Oops,” I said.
“Oops?” the postal worker said. “What does that even mean?”
“It means I made an oopsy.”
The postal worker told us to get all the glitter back in the package.
We looked at him and laughed.
He whipped out a hunting knife. He pressed a button on the knife’s handle and the blade lit on fire. It was a fucking fire knife.
“I want each piece of glitter in that box now!” he said.
“Okay!” I said. “Chill.”
We all started cleaning up the glitter.
It took us most of the day to clean.
The postal dude just chilled on the couch and watched.
Finally, we finished.
The postal guy took the package and left.
I watched him bring the box to my neighbor, Big Al.
At first Big Al was annoyed that the box was all beaten up. Then he opened it. Saw all the glitter. Then got really excited.
“GLITTER PARTY!” I heard him yell.
I walked back inside.
I told my friends we should keep partying.
They didn’t agree.
“I feel like I wasted my entire day,” Vanessa said.
“I thought we had a fun day.”
“But it wasn’t our glitter,” she said. “And it took forever to clean the shit up.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
She gave me a big kiss on the cheek, then went to the bathroom to take a shower.
My friends left.
I got bored.
Fuck it, I decided.
I walked over to my neighbor’s house.
A large man answered the door.
He was so sweaty and naked and covered in glitter.
“I heard you were having a glitter party?” I said.
“GLITTER PARTY!” he yelled.
His family cheered.
I took off my clothes, left them on the front porch and joined the party.