Ready for another shitstorm of the latest Bizarro news gripping the world? Here you go:
- “A spooky clown has been scaring Northampton residents in full costume and make up.He is red haired and white faced and has appeared in several locations in the Abington and Kingsley areas.A Facebook page has now been set up for the clown called Spot Northampton’s Clown which has already achieved over 3,000 likes since it went live yesterday.The clown has proved a sensation on social media and has its own Twitter hashtag #northamptonclown.According to reports it has knocked on someone’s door and offered to paint their sills despite having no painting equipment.Let us know if you see it too”via Northhamton News
- “Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.”
via New York Post
- Florida is some Bizarro vortex, crazy random shit happens every day there. This asshole beat up a child over an argument about hard-boiled eggs. David Belson slammed the girl’s head against the wall, harmed his wife who tried to save her, and is now thankfully in jail. Domestic disputes get pretty ugly in Florida. This guy dumped a cup of tea on his wife’s head.
- Florida isn’t the only place doing some harm with hot beverages. A 61-year-old woman in Japan killed her cheating husband with a cup of coffee!
- Meanwhile in Florida, again, a man is arrested and found with a crack pipe inside his stomach. Ouch!
- That’s nothing though, Anal Mishaps: US Woman Stuck $5000 Cash in Butt, Filipino Jobert Sucaldito Recovering from Cucumber in Rectum.
- A Colombian woman was caught trying to smuggle cocaine in a fake pregnant belly. This was a new one for Colombian police but obviously it didn’t work.
- An artist has created an “edible opera” using biotechnology which uses a cool facehugger-looking helmet that creates edible algae from carbon dioxide which feeds the algae. “The singer has trained herself specially for this project so that she can further enhance her lung capacity to produce the best quality algae possible. The slightest changes in pitch and frequency can apparently determine the algae’s color, texture and even whether it will be sweet or bitter.”
- The blobfish has officially been named the world’s ugliest animal. I totally disagree. They’re cute and endangered too. Poor blobfish!
- In beauty news, a guy named Herbert Chavez dropped £4,400 on 13 surgeries to make him look like Superman. He now looks like an android which is pretty cool.
- In involuntary body modification news, this asshole tattooed his name on his passed out girlfriend’s vagina.
- A Chinese woman was attacked by a snake that was kept for 3 months in a bottle of wine. Sweet revenge!
- Scientists discover that a species of frog can hear with his mouth using mouth cavities. Gardiner’s frogs are one of the smallest species of frogs in the world.
- Peninsula instructors prepare youth for the zombie apocalypse. “Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic,” a graphic novella geared to teens and young adults prepared by the Centers for Disease Control, has the answers. ‘If you are generally well-equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse, you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake or terrorist attack,’ said CDC director of public health preparedness Dr. Ali Khan, who appears as a character in the comic book. The zombie comic started as a tongue-in-cheek campaign, but has evolved into a popular way to impress young people with the importance of emergency preparedness, he explains on the CDC web site.” You can read the CDC zombie pandemic graphic novel here.
- Talk about awesome finds! This German kid found a human mummy in a sarcophagus in a corner of his grandparents’ attic!
- 16 human skulls found near a school in Prague. The skulls were said to be from a “private collection.” Ok I want a collection of human skulls. Obtained legally of course.
- Iowa has issued gun permits for the blind. I think that’s cool, blind people need guns too.
- Man sets fire to neighbour’s house trying to smoke out wasp nest. That’s one way of doing it…
- In cryptozoology news, Swiss police are on a hunt for “Le Loyon,” a mysterious creature who has been spotted roaming the woods in Switzerland for over a decade. He is said to be wearing a gas mask, boiler suit, and cloak. “While he does not seem to be obviously aggressive or dangerous, police are hoping to speak to Le Loyon in an effort to encourage him to be less threatening.”
- Joker-obsessed fan stabs a man at the gym and tries to carve a Joker smile on his face when he’s arrested. He also posted “Why so serious?” on Facebook right after the incident.
- Don’t worry, Batman will save us! Batman and Captain America save a cat from a burning house.
Until next time Bizarros!
The good news is there will never be a shortage of Bizarro news…
- “A Tulsa man is facing a laundry list of charges for the second time this month — this time, accused of stealing a truck, escaping from a hospital and falling through a restaurant’s ceiling vent naked.”
- Red Bull heir runs over and kills a police officer with his Ferrari, skips his trial to go on “business trip.”
- UK police mistake Angelina Jolie, Daniel Craig, Tom Cruise, and Arnold look-alikes for IRL criminals.
- Gnome homes have mysteriously appeared in Kansas town. No sighting of gnomes yet but Kansas better be careful because gnomes can be fucking creepy.
- Retired lab chimpanzee wins $10,000 prize in a chimpanzee art competition. Contest was held by the Humane Society.
- Woman in New Mexico gives birth after being struck by lightning. Her baby girl is now called “little Flash Gordon.”
- European company invests $11 million to make robot cops. Sorry, robot technology is still not Terminator/RoboCop/Battlestar level yet. I’ll let you know when it is…
- Chicken swallows a diamond ring. Thankfully her nice caretaker will wait until she dies of natural causes to get the earring back.
- Canadian man swallows severed human toe at a bar in Yukon and had to pay a $500 fine and leave town since now the bar can’t serve “Sourtoe Cocktails” anymore until they find another toe. Adventurous drinkers would drink a cocktail of whiskey with the mummified toe inside and it had to touch their lips. As for the taste, one patron said: “The whisky was the only thing I could taste but the toe was like a leathery piece of jerky — with a toenail attached to it,” There are several videos at the link.
- Hot burlesque dancer sets off fire alarm with her fiery nipples during a performance, making everyone evacuate.
- Gang of drunk deer threaten a Swedish man and keep him from entering his house. Drunk elk are a reoccurring problem in Sweden because they like to get wasted on fermented fruit which are plentiful. They also get really aggressive when drunk.
- Meanwhile in Japan…
Until next time Bizarros!
by Tracy Vanity
One of the most bizarre medical anomalies, spontaneous human combustion is when someone suddenly bursts into flame from within. Typically only the body remains burned even if flammable material is nearby. The cause for this has yet to be explained but it is certain that the fat in our bodies are highly flammable, so once that “inner fire” ignites, we’re toast!
Most skeptics blame cigarette accidents for this phenomena but not everyone agrees…
According to self-proclaimed “parascientist,” Larry E. Arnold, there have been 200 known cases of spontaneous human combustion in the past 300 years. He even wrote a book about it:
The latest case of alleged SHC happened this past February when an 65-year-old Oklahoma man by the name of Danny Vanzandt was found burned to death in his home after reportedly burning for 10 hours. Nothing else caught on fire and police and autopsy reports ruled out homicide but not SHC.
This documentary on SHC is rather informative and entertaining if you wish to know more about spontaneous human combustion, and who doesn’t?
So actual Bizarro paranormal phenomena or simply a freak accident? You decide…
by Tracy Vanity
To say I’m not a fan of Christmas would be an understatement. I’m dedicating this Twisted Tuesday to posting soothing images, videos, and songs to get myself, and anyone else who fucking hates Christmas, through this horrible fucking day.
This post is dedicated to FUCK CHRISTMAS!
Since Christmas sucks, I’m celebrating HORRORMAS! It’s basically Halloween with a Christmas theme. I recommend a Horrormas movie marathon of Jack Frost, Black Christmas (1974 version), Silent Night Deadly Night, and Don’t Open Till Christmas. Any other Horrormas films you recommend?
Tales from the Crypt has a great Horromas themed episode called “And All Through the House.” You can watch the whole episode right here:
There’s even a tales from the Crypt Christmas album! I just found out right now.
The “Unholy Night” episode from American Horror Story is awesome too. The entire 2nd season is incredible. I have a fetish for nuns and mental institutions but who doesn’t?
I’m starting to feel better already. This cheap Thai rum is helping too.
Axe murdering Santas do put me in good spirits.
As always, Cyriak captures the true spirit of Horrormas with his incredible 2012 Horrormas video card.
Happy Horrormas Bizarro!
by Tracy Vanity
As the resident partial Maya, I felt it was my duty to represent my partial people by throwing a Maya Apocalypse party through Bizarro Central.
First, the world is not going to end on December 21st, 2012. Y2K 2.0, surprise, surprise.
The Maya calendar resets to 0, which means an epic new beginning, not a cataclysmic end. It’s like a mega-New Year except instead of it representing an end to 365 days, it’s an end of a B’ak’tun which equals 394 years!
The Maya are celebrating by conducting fire ceremonies and giving offerings to Mother Nature.
But just because there won’t be giant fireballs hitting your city or zombies ripping into your delicious skull, doesn’t mean you can’t still celebrate yet another Apocalypse.
To get you pumped for this year’s doomsday, I have complied an epic 21-song Maya Apocalypse Party soundtrack for your end-of-the-world enjoyment. This Maya Apocalypse Party soundtrack includes music from Tiny Tim, Nancy Sinatra, Deltron 3030, Nine Inch Nails, Pixies, Rudimentary Peni, David Bowie and more. There’s even a dark song in Mayan. The last video is my favorite!
BTW you can monitor the Apocalypse”LIVE UPDATES” via Russia Today.
You should always live your life as if it’s the Apocalypse but this is Bizarro Central, I know you already do. See you on the other side!
by Tracy Vanity
I’ve been so looking forward to creating this post. Prepare for some Devil Love bombardment… Ready?
This post is Satanic Patrick Bateman approved.
Halloween is tomorrow!!!! Have fun little devils!