Gollums, Neverending Story dragon-slaying, alien sightings, cannibalism, and yet another step towards the robot apocalypse. It’s time for a Bizarro News Roundup kids! Yee-haw!
- While on vacation, a Chinese tourist happened across a golum-like creature while taking a piss. News reports say the creature resembles Gollum from Lord of the Rings, but I think it looks more like something from Pan’s Labyrinth. What do you think?
- UFO sighting in Montana:
- In more alien news, a retired marine has admitted to dedicating 17 years to defending 5 human colonies against Martians. He even enjoyed a nice retirement ceremony on the moon. The 30-minute video at the source link is worth a watch.
- It’s only a game…or is it? 3 Americans have been hospitalized with demonic possession while playing with a Ouija board in Mexico. Demonic possession videos are trippy.
- What do old people taste like? Depends. An elderly French lady has been accused of murdering and eating her 80-year-old husband’s genitals and other body parts. She is now being nicknamed the “female Hannibal Lecter.” To be fair, Hannibal murdered and ate many victims and is really fucking hot.
- Peanut, the winner of the 2014 World’s Ugliest Dog contest is cute in a demonic, bowel-ripping way. No, he’s adorable and the contest raises awareness on the importance of adoption. Congrats Peanut! He should be the Bizarro mascot!
- Man on meth eats sparkles at a Burlington Coat Factory. And he wasn’t in Florida!
- This man needs help removing his 100 pound scrotum.
- Foreign exchange student gets trapped inside a giant vagina sculpture. He doesn’t want to be named. I’d own that shit!
- “Adelaide man Guy Albon, who had his four guns confiscated due to fears over his ‘mental competency’ brought about by him wearing a colander on his head in his gun licence photo, has been given the all clear after he insisted the utensil was crucial to his religion, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”
4 days until Halloween!
Sightings of strange beasts and paranormal activity are rampant all over the world. From yetis to chupacabras, even though modern science hasn’t acknowledged the existence of these creatures, many swear that the stories of these sightings are true. There have even been instances of cryptids turning out to be real!
Here are 13 creepy creatures from around the world! Do you have any weird creatures lurking around your neck of the woods?
In 1953 a weird creature washed up on the shores of Canvey Island in Essex. The Canvey Island Monster was described as:
76 cm (2.4 ft) long with thick reddish brown skin, bulging eyes and gills. It was also described as having hind legs with five-toed horseshoe-shaped feet with concave arches – which appeared to be suited for bipedal locomotion – but no forelimbs. Its remains were cremated after a cursory inspection by zoologists who said that it posed no danger to the public. The 1954 specimen was described as being similar to the first but much larger, being 120 cm (3.9 ft) long and weighing approximately 11.3 kg (25 lb). It was sufficiently fresh for its eyes, nostrils and teeth to be studied though no official explanation was given at the time as to what it was or what happened to the carcass.
Spotted in South Carolina, the Lizard Man is said to be 7 feet tall with scaly skin covering his entire body. There have been several sightings, mostly in the late 80’s but a couple reported having their car mauled by the Lizard Man in 2011.
III) Dover Demon
With glowing eyes and grey skin, the Dover Demon resides in Massachusetts. First spotted in 1977, the Dover Demon has become a classic cryptid with his own action figure in Japan.
IV) Mongolian Death Worm
In the Gobi Desert, there have been reports of a bright red worm up to 5 feet long that spits acid and has electric skin. The story of the worm has been around for hundreds of years and many people have attempted to track the creature down.
In September 1931, the Irving family, consisting of James, Margaret and a 13 year-old daughter named Voirrey, claimed they heard persistent scratching, rustling, and vocal noises behind their farmhouse’s wooden wall panels that variously resembled a ferret, a dog or a baby. According to the Irvings, a creature named Gef introduced itself and told them it was a mongoose born in New Delhi, India, in 1852. According to Voirrey, Gef was the size of a small rat with yellowish fur and a large bushy tail.
The Irvings say that Gef communicated to them that he was “an extra extra clever mongoose”, an “Earthbound spirit” and “a ghost in the form of a mongoose” and once said, “I am a freak. I have hands and I have feet, and if you saw me you’d faint, you’d be petrified, mummified, turned into stone or a pillar of salt!” The Irvings made various claims about Gef: he supposedly guarded their house and informed them of the approach of guests or any unfamiliar dog. They said that if someone had forgotten to put out the fire at night, Gef would go down and stop the stove. The Irvings claimed Gef would also wake people up when they overslept. And whenever mice got into the house, Gef supposedly assumed the role of the cat, although he preferred to scare them rather than kill them. The Irvings say they gave Gef biscuits, chocolates and bananas, and food was left for him in a saucer suspended from the ceiling which he took when he thought no one was watching. The Irvings claimed the mongoose regularly accompanied them on trips to the market, but always stayed on the other side of the hedges, even while and chatting incessantly.
Storsjöodjuret is a great lake monster in Sweden who achieved endangered species protection for awhile. The legend of the monster dates back to 1635. Here is the first written description of the monster:
“A long, long time ago two trolls, Jata and Kata, stood on the shores of the Great-Lake brewing a concoction in their cauldrons. They brewed and mixed and added to the liquid for days and weeks and years. They knew not what would result from their brew but they wondered about it a great deal. One evening there was heard a strange sound from one of their cauldrons. There was a wailing, a groaning and a crying, then suddenly came a loud bang. A strange animal with a black serpentine body and a cat-like head jumped out of the cauldron and disappeared into the lake. The monster enjoyed living in the lake, grew unbelievably larger and awakened terror among the people whenever it appeared. Finally, it extended all the way round the island of Frösön, and could even bite its own tail. Ketil Runske bound the mighty monster with a strong spell which was carved on a stone and raised on the island of Frösön. The serpent was pictured on the stone. Thus was the spell to be tied till the day someone came who could read and understand the inscription on the stone.”
Another lake monster, this one residing in British Columbia, is a 50-foot long sea serpent.
VIII) Jersey Devil
A well-known cryptid appearing in shows like the X-Files and every paranormal TV show, the Jersey Devil is a goat-like demonic creature constantly spotted in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey.
A jumping, snake-like creature spotted all over Japan, Tsuchinoko is said to have a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream…it seems most of these cryptids do. Some people say he likes booze and telling lies but maybe that’s just the sake talking.
A wolf-like monster terrorized a French province in the 1700’s, attacking and eating people. With up to 210 reported attacks and 113 deaths, the French government had to step in and spend a lot of money tracking the beast down to kill it. The film, Brotherhood of the Wolf is based on this legend.
XI) Skunk Ape
The Skunk Ape, also known as the Swamp Ape, Stink Ape, Florida Bigfoot, Myakka Ape, and the Myakka Skunk Ape, is a hominid cryptid said to inhabit Florida, as well as North Carolina and Arkansas, although reports from Florida are more common. It is named for its appearance and for the unpleasant odor that is said to accompany it. According to the United States National Park Service, the Skunk Ape exists only as a local myth.Reports of the Skunk Ape were particularly common in the 1960s and 1970s. In the fall of 1974, numerous sightings were reported in suburban neighborhoods of Dade County, Florida, of a large, foul-smelling, hairy, ape-like creature, which ran upright on two legs.
Akkorokamui is a giant squid-like creature that can be up to 46 feet long with claws at the end of its 12 tentacles. It has been spotted in the ocean around Japan, Korea, and even Thailand. Like a Kraken, it attacks ships with its tentacles and eats people when it’s pissed.
Put on your tinfoil hat and watch this:
So much WTF happening there. Hahaha.
Check out some more spooky monsters in my “Monsters of Urban Legend & Folklore” post!
By Pat Douglas
Meet Monster. Meet Judy. Two humans who don’t like each other much, but together must fight dragons, fire-breathing felines, trolls, Inuit walrus dogs, and a crazy cat lady – for the future of the universe.
Monster runs a pest control agency. He’s overworked and has domestic troubles – like having the girlfriend from hell.
Judy works the night shift at the local Food Plus Mart. Not the most glamorous life, but she’s happy. No one bothers her and if she has to spell things out for the night manager every now and again, so be it.
But when Judy finds a Yeti in the freezer aisle eating all the Rocky Road, her life collides with Monster’s. He doesn’t catch raccoons – he catches the things that go bump in the night. Things like ogres, trolls, and dragons.
Oh, and his girlfriend from Hell? She actually is from Hell.
Okay, first off… Monster isn’t actually a bizarro novel. I know what you are thinking: Why did you post the review about it here at Bizarro Central? Well hear me out. First, I assume that most of you are avid readers in general. It’s more of a fantasy novel, but if you’re a bizarro fan, I’ll say that there are lots of details in Monster that scream bizarre. Examples: The opening scene is of a yeti in a grocery store eating all the ice cream, but he only likes a special kind. One of the main characters changes colors every day. Another is a man made of paper, and yes, at some point he does catch on fire a little bit. Also, the cell phones in this book are actually babies! It may not be bizarro, but it’s bizarre enough to be worthy here at BC.
Second, I assume that a lot of you guys are also writers, and if you’re a writer of bizarro fiction this book would be a perfect inspirational read for thinking outside of the box. If writing bizarro is already thinking outside of the box, then reading this book for inspiration would be thinking outside of the outside (if that makes sense). This novel is a wacky ride for any lover of ‘different’. It starts out with a fast pace and keeps a steady rhythm throughout.
Have a book you want reviewed?
My name is Pat and I frequently stop in with bizarro book reviews. The types of reviews I do are simple, short, and to the point. If you want me to review your book just shoot me a message. My goal is to do at least one Bizarro Central Review a month. If I can get around to more than that, awesome. But no promises. You can check me out at indie-inside.com
Ready for another shitstorm of the latest Bizarro news gripping the world? Here you go:
- “A spooky clown has been scaring Northampton residents in full costume and make up.He is red haired and white faced and has appeared in several locations in the Abington and Kingsley areas.A Facebook page has now been set up for the clown called Spot Northampton’s Clown which has already achieved over 3,000 likes since it went live yesterday.The clown has proved a sensation on social media and has its own Twitter hashtag #northamptonclown.According to reports it has knocked on someone’s door and offered to paint their sills despite having no painting equipment.Let us know if you see it too”via Northhamton News
- “Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.”
via New York Post
- Florida is some Bizarro vortex, crazy random shit happens every day there. This asshole beat up a child over an argument about hard-boiled eggs. David Belson slammed the girl’s head against the wall, harmed his wife who tried to save her, and is now thankfully in jail. Domestic disputes get pretty ugly in Florida. This guy dumped a cup of tea on his wife’s head.
- Florida isn’t the only place doing some harm with hot beverages. A 61-year-old woman in Japan killed her cheating husband with a cup of coffee!
- Meanwhile in Florida, again, a man is arrested and found with a crack pipe inside his stomach. Ouch!
- That’s nothing though, Anal Mishaps: US Woman Stuck $5000 Cash in Butt, Filipino Jobert Sucaldito Recovering from Cucumber in Rectum.
- A Colombian woman was caught trying to smuggle cocaine in a fake pregnant belly. This was a new one for Colombian police but obviously it didn’t work.
- An artist has created an “edible opera” using biotechnology which uses a cool facehugger-looking helmet that creates edible algae from carbon dioxide which feeds the algae. “The singer has trained herself specially for this project so that she can further enhance her lung capacity to produce the best quality algae possible. The slightest changes in pitch and frequency can apparently determine the algae’s color, texture and even whether it will be sweet or bitter.”
- The blobfish has officially been named the world’s ugliest animal. I totally disagree. They’re cute and endangered too. Poor blobfish!
- In beauty news, a guy named Herbert Chavez dropped £4,400 on 13 surgeries to make him look like Superman. He now looks like an android which is pretty cool.
- In involuntary body modification news, this asshole tattooed his name on his passed out girlfriend’s vagina.
- A Chinese woman was attacked by a snake that was kept for 3 months in a bottle of wine. Sweet revenge!
- Scientists discover that a species of frog can hear with his mouth using mouth cavities. Gardiner’s frogs are one of the smallest species of frogs in the world.
- Peninsula instructors prepare youth for the zombie apocalypse. “Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic,” a graphic novella geared to teens and young adults prepared by the Centers for Disease Control, has the answers. ‘If you are generally well-equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse, you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake or terrorist attack,’ said CDC director of public health preparedness Dr. Ali Khan, who appears as a character in the comic book. The zombie comic started as a tongue-in-cheek campaign, but has evolved into a popular way to impress young people with the importance of emergency preparedness, he explains on the CDC web site.” You can read the CDC zombie pandemic graphic novel here.
- Talk about awesome finds! This German kid found a human mummy in a sarcophagus in a corner of his grandparents’ attic!
- 16 human skulls found near a school in Prague. The skulls were said to be from a “private collection.” Ok I want a collection of human skulls. Obtained legally of course.
- Iowa has issued gun permits for the blind. I think that’s cool, blind people need guns too.
- Man sets fire to neighbour’s house trying to smoke out wasp nest. That’s one way of doing it…
- In cryptozoology news, Swiss police are on a hunt for “Le Loyon,” a mysterious creature who has been spotted roaming the woods in Switzerland for over a decade. He is said to be wearing a gas mask, boiler suit, and cloak. “While he does not seem to be obviously aggressive or dangerous, police are hoping to speak to Le Loyon in an effort to encourage him to be less threatening.”
- Joker-obsessed fan stabs a man at the gym and tries to carve a Joker smile on his face when he’s arrested. He also posted “Why so serious?” on Facebook right after the incident.
- Don’t worry, Batman will save us! Batman and Captain America save a cat from a burning house.
Until next time Bizarros!
If anything speaks to you or if you know the artists/photographers/origins of any of these random pics, please let me know.
by Tracy Vanity
The Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books made me obsessed with urban legends as a kid. I loved thinking that KFC chicken could be made out of rats and a serial killer could call you from upstairs while you’re babysitting and murder all the kids you’re supposed to be taking care of. The monsters in these books were of particular interest since they could be from anywhere and take on various forms…
These spooky tales, originally told flesh-to-flesh, can now spread to millions of people through the internet. Slender Man has surely taken off and now he has a quite entertaining twitter account, as does The Rake. You should follow them at your own risk!
Every country and culture has many of their own scary stories and urban legends, but here is a highlight of monsters found in urban legends and folklore from around the world:
-In the 19th century, the Bell Witch was a brutal poltergeist who haunted the Bell family, assaulting and cursing them.
–The Black Dog is a hellhound found in the British Isles and even Latin America. This ghost is said to be the harbinger of death.
–Bloody-Bones is usually said to live near ponds, but according to Ruth Tongue in Somerset Folklore, “lived in a dark cupboard, usually under the stairs. If you were heroic enough to peep through a crack you would get a glimpse of the dreadful, crouching creature, with blood running down his face, seated waiting on a pile of raw bones that had belonged to children who told lies or said bad words.
–The Brosno dragon is basically the loch ness monster of Russia. He also looks like dinosaur.
-There are many variations of The Bunny Man legend which spread around the U.S. but basically he runs around wearing a bunny suit and murders people with an axe.
–The Bunyip is an Aboriginal creature which deals in water-based areas of Australia. It doesn’t seem to do much but this video that Carlton Mellick posted before makes this monster seem a lot creepier:
–El Cipitio is some kind of ghost or paranormal entitity from El Salvador of a boy with a giant belly and backwards feet who flies and throws pebbles at people. He is said to be the child of some “illicit” couple.
-The Crawfordsville Journal described the Crawfordsville monster as being “about eighteen feet long and eight feet wide and moved rapidly through the air by means of several pairs of side fins. It was pure white and had no definite shape or form, resembling somewhat a great white shroud fitted with propelling fins. There was no tail or head visible but there was one great flaming eye, and a sort of a wheezing plaintive sound was emitted from a mouth which was invisible. It flapped like a flag in the winds as it came on and frequently gave a great squirm as though suffering unutterable agony.”
–“According to the book De Kinderen van Het Bezeten Bos which was written in 1937 the legend of Deogen is said to have began when area nuns began finding the burned bodies of young children in the Sonian Forest in Belgium, near Brussels. It is said in the book that 80 children were murdered and the bodies dumped throughout in the forest and set ablaze but a more accepted number was only 8. Very little is known of the case excepting that which is found in the book which is believed by many to have been a work of fiction.”
–Draugar are pretty metal. These undead creatures from Norse mythology possess superhuman strength and come up out of their graves as wisps of smoke, increase in size, and kill people by crushing them, drinking their blood, and driving them insane.
-In Scandinavian folklore, Gjenganger are like ghosts in that they have died and come back from the dead but are in full human-like form and can cause damage if they’re pissed off or evil.
–“According to legend, Goatman is an axe-wielding, half-man, half-animal creature that was once a scientist who worked in the Beltsville Agricultural Research Center. The tale holds that he was experimenting on goats, the experiment went awry, and he began attacking cars with an axe, roaming the back roads of Beltsville, Maryland. A variation of the legend tells of Goatman as an old hermit who lives in the woods, seen walking alone at night along Fletchertown Road.”
–“A hidebehind is a nocturnal fearsome critter from American folklore that preys upon humans that wander the woods, and was credited for the disappearances of early colonial loggers when they failed to return to camp. As its name suggests, the hidebehind is noted for its ability to conceal itself. When an observer attempts to look directly at it, the creature hides again behind an object or the observer and therefore can’t be directly seen: a feat it accomplishes by sucking in its stomach to a point where it is so slender that it can easily cover itself behind the trunk of any tree. The hidebehind uses this ability to stalk human prey without being observed and to attack without warning. Their victims, including lumberjacks who frequent the forests, are dragged back to the creature’s lair to be devoured. The creature subsists chiefly upon the intestines of its victim, and has a severe aversion to alcohol, which is considered a sufficient repellent. Tales of the hidebehind may have helped explain strange noises in the forest at night. Early accounts describe hidebehinds as large, powerful animals, despite the fact that no one was able to see them.”
–“In 1893 newspapers reported the discovery of a Hodag in Rhinelander, Wisconsin. It had “the head of a frog, the grinning face of a giant elephant, thick short legs set off by huge claws, the back of a dinosaur, and a long tail with spears at the end”. The reports were instigated by well-known Wisconsin timber cruiser and prankster Eugene Shepard, who rounded up a group of local people to capture the animal. The group reported that they needed to use dynamite to kill the beast.”
-In Chilean folklore, Imvunche is a deformed, hairy monster boy with a snake-like tongue that protects the entrance to a warlock’s cave.
-There have been many sightings of The Jersey Devil even to this day:
–Kuchisake-onna is a Japanese spirit, mutilated by a jealous husband and said to torment little Japanese children. She is known to wear a surgical mask and goes up to kids, asking if she looks beautiful. If they say “yes” she removes her mask and reveals her mouth which has been split open from ear to ear. If they say “no” she chops them up. Creepy shit.
–La Llorona is well-known in Latin America. Spanish for “The Weeping Woman,” the version I was told was that she is the ghost of a woman who was abandoned by her lover and ends up drowning her children and herself in the river. Her ghost is seen crying in the middle of the night looking for her children. In Thailand there is a similar ghost called Phi Tai Hong.
-The Lambton Worm is a huge dragon-looking beast that terrorized a village in the UK and has a song which I can’t really understand but the pictures of the “worm” are cute:
-“In the folklore of Bali, the Leyak (in Indonesian, people called it ‘Leak’ (le-ak)—the Y is not written or spoken) is a mythological figure in the form of flying head with entrails (heart, lung, liver, etc.) still attached. Leyak is said to fly trying to find a pregnant woman in order to suck her baby’s blood or a newborn child. There are three legendary Leyak, two females and one male.”
-The Manananggal of the Philippines is a vampire-like creature, typically depicted as a woman who has bat wings and long straw tongue to suck blood from people and fetuses out of pregnant women.
-The Melon heads were deformed children from a Michigan insane asylum who were mistreated, went feral, and escaped into the forest.
-A Nachzehrer is a German vampire ghoul, who eats the dead and is created when a person dies by suicide or accident. It apparently loves munching on grave clothes.
-Like the name suggests, the Owlman of the UK is a giant owl-like man with claws, wings, and glowing eyes.
–“In most accounts, the Pope Lick Monster (named after the Pope Lick Creek below the Pope Lick Train Trestle) appears as a human-goat hybrid with a grotesquely deformed body of a man. It has powerful, fur-covered goat legs, an alabaster-skinned face with an aquiline nose and wide set eyes. Short, sharp horns protrude from the forehead, nestled in long greasy hair that matched the color of the fur on the legs.
Numerous urban legends exist about the creature’s origins and the methods it employs to claim its victims. According to some accounts, the creature uses either hypnosis or voice mimicry to lure trespassers onto the trestle to meet their death before an oncoming train. Other stories claim the monster jumps down from the trestle onto the roofs of cars passing beneath it. Yet other legends tell that it attacks its victims with a blood-stained axe. It has also been said that the very sight of the creature is so unsettling that those who see it while walking across the high trestle are driven to leap off.
Other legends explain the creature’s origins, including that it is a human goat hybrid, and that it was a circus freak who vowed revenge after being mistreated. In one version, the creature escaped after a train derailed on the trestle. Another version claims that the monster is really the twisted reincarnated form of a farmer who sacrificed goats in exchange for Satanic powers.”
-In 1930’s Chicago, a young female hitchhiker dressed all in white, was picked up by several drivers only to vanish once the car stopped in front of the cemetery. One of many variations of the vanishing hitchhiker stories, Resurrection Mary was said to have been a young woman who had stormed out of a ball when her boyfriend pissed her off and was killed by a hit and run driver while on her way back home.
–Robert the Doll was a super creepy doll owned by painter in Key West who was said to move, talk, giggle, knock over furniture, and do other scary shit. The painter kept the doll until he died and now the doll resides in Fort East Martello Museum and is said to curse anyone who takes photos of him.
–“Rokurokubi (轆轤首, rokurokubi?) which are related to Nure-onna are yōkai found in Japanese folklore. They look like normal human beings by day, but at night they gain the ability to stretch their necks to great lengths. They can also change their faces to those of terrifying Oni to better scare mortals.
In their daytime human forms, rokurokubi often live undetected and may even take mortal spouses. Many rokurokubi become so accustomed to such a life that they take great pains to keep their demonic forms secret. They are tricksters by nature, however, and the urge to frighten and spy on human beings is hard to resist. Some rokurokubi thus resort to revealing themselves only to drunkards, fools, the sleeping, or the blind in order to satisfy these urges. Other rokurokubi have no such compunctions and go about frightening mortals with abandon. A few, it is said, are not even aware of their true nature and consider themselves normal humans. This last group stretch their necks out while asleep in an involuntary action; upon waking up in the morning, they find they have weird dreams regarding seeing their surroundings in unnatural angles.”
–Shadowpeople are dark paranormal entities seen all over the world, scientifically explained to be caused by a psychological disorder or sleep paralysis.
–“The Sihuanaba, La Siguanaba, Cigua or Cegua is a supernatural character from Central American folklore. It is a shape-changing spirit that typically takes the form of an attractive, long haired woman seen from behind. She lures men away into danger before revealing her face to be that of a horse or, alternatively, a skull.”
–Spring-heeled Jack, aptly named, is known for his bizarre appearance and giant leaps. He was first spotted in the UK in the 1800’s and is said to either look like a beastly man with long claws and fiery eyes or like a complete gentleman.
-If you read the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books, you will already be familiar with the Wendigo. In Algonquian legend, the Wendigo is a demonic cannibal spirit which came out especially during winter. Anyone who resorted to cannibalism was believed to become a Wendigo. In Scary Stories, a Wendigo carries a man up into the sky until he become a pile of ashes.
Are there any favorite legends I left out? There are so many! Now I’m off to bed. Sweet dreams Bizarros!