Christmas is actually a really weird holiday, and bizarro writers have captured its weirdness in the past with books like Sausagey Santa and Christmas on Crack. But in 2016, some new voices have come forward to write weird stories about this cherished holiday season.
GIVE OF YOURSELF
A savagely satirical look at Christmas traditions in a science fiction setting where giving of yourself is taken to a literal extreme. This is not your typical Christmas story- this is Bizarro Fiction, so be prepared for weirdness!
Lee Widener’s latest excursion into Bizarro, following “David Bowie is Trying to Kill Me!” and “Rock N Roll Head Case,” is another example of his unique style of Bizarro Fiction. Follow the Flortwire family as they celebrate Christmas in a far future world even stranger than our own!
NOTE: This is a Kindle SINGLE, not a full novel, and in the great tradition of Christmas through the ages, it’s overpriced for the holidays! Get it here!
SATAN’S LITTLE HELPER
Stuffed full of Xmas magic and stomach churning ultra-violence, it’s THE HUNGER GAMES garroted with fairy lights and force fed to THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS!
The devil only wants to be adored, and thinks that remaking himself as “Satan Claus” will win the hearts of the world’s children. From dictator of Hell to beloved myth of childhood, it’s certainly an ambitious career change.
He totally fucks it up.
Trying to set things right, he invites children from every country in the world to the North Pole to take part in a contest, a scavenger hunt, with the winners becoming his little helpers on Xmas Eve. With Adolf the Red-Nosed Reichdeer and his army of dwarf Elvis Presley clones helping, it’s bound to be a success… Except for one problem.
All the kids are armed to the teeth. And all the kids want to kill him. Get it here!
by Tracy Vanity
To say I’m not a fan of Christmas would be an understatement. I’m dedicating this Twisted Tuesday to posting soothing images, videos, and songs to get myself, and anyone else who fucking hates Christmas, through this horrible fucking day.
This post is dedicated to FUCK CHRISTMAS!
Since Christmas sucks, I’m celebrating HORRORMAS! It’s basically Halloween with a Christmas theme. I recommend a Horrormas movie marathon of Jack Frost, Black Christmas (1974 version), Silent Night Deadly Night, and Don’t Open Till Christmas. Any other Horrormas films you recommend?
Tales from the Crypt has a great Horromas themed episode called “And All Through the House.” You can watch the whole episode right here:
There’s even a tales from the Crypt Christmas album! I just found out right now.
The “Unholy Night” episode from American Horror Story is awesome too. The entire 2nd season is incredible. I have a fetish for nuns and mental institutions but who doesn’t?
I’m starting to feel better already. This cheap Thai rum is helping too.
Axe murdering Santas do put me in good spirits.
As always, Cyriak captures the true spirit of Horrormas with his incredible 2012 Horrormas video card.
Happy Horrormas Bizarro!
by John Skipp
Dear Jesus and Santa –
THANK YOU FOR CHRISTMAS! Whether you’re for real or not, it’s a beautiful, beautiful thing.
On this day of days, the two of you come together to represent a stunningly gracious and giving spirit that we all wish lasted year round.
Sure, there is much to hate. The sudden pain-in-the-ass obligations. The going-through-the-motions. All the arcane, expensive, and often insincere rituals so urgently invoked in your names.
Some people totally live for that shit. For others, it kills the spirit entirely.
(And no, I don’t blame you guys for all the horrible, horrible songs. You didn’t write them, right? I’m pretty sure it’s not your fault.)
But for lots of us, the saddest part of Christmas is that we can’t afford to give EVEN A FRACTION of all we wish we could.
And the lonelier we are – the more cut off we feel – the more we helplessly cringe and bristle before your festive lights.
So yeah, it can be a heartbreaking season. No holiday is perfect.
But my point is this.
We all want to give something to the people we love that lets them know how much we love them. And we all want to be given the things that let us know someone loves us, too.
Birthdays are the only other official days set aside for such expressions.
But Christmas is the big one, whether you’re a Christian or not.
So as far as I’m concerned, you guys have done a great job, and a gorgeous thing for all humanity. Anybody not actively celebrating Christmas at least kinda WISHES they were. Kicking into that spirit of love, or kicking against it.
The key word is love.
I love you guys – both of you guys – for making love an important event worth celebrating all over the world. Whether we believe in you or not.
At your best, you make us want to be better people.
The rest is up to us.
MERRY CHRISTMAS! And thank you so much.
Yer incredibly grateful pal,
by Scott Emerson
Taken from the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society’s “An Even Scarier Solstice”, “Slay Ride” re-tells “Herbert West–Re-Animator” in Christmas carol form.
by William Pauley III
Whoa, it’s Christmas time again? Time sure does fly these days. To get myself into the Christmas spirit, I’ve spent the majority of my morning looking up weird ass nativity scenes to post here on Bizarro Central. I was surprised to see how many ridiculous variations there are (seriously, Google it sometime).
No matter your religion and beliefs, all of us can appreciate the weirdness of these scenes.
These are my top ten favorites: