by: Sean Noah Noah
Y2K came and went and pretty much everyone could agree that the world had ended, but nobody could figure out exactly how. Just days before, everything had seemed so certain: all the computers wouldn’t be able to change the dates correctly and they’d break down and take the public infrastructure with them. But the date passed and no, that wasn’t it. Something large and awful had happened, and civilization would never recover, that was for sure, but it seemed like everyone felt a different apocalypse break the world as the sun rose over a new millennium.
By midday January second, Alex and Annemarie were meeting by the water cooler of their old workplace, Alex dodging around the carpet in an effort to avoid the burned spots, Annemarie not even walking through the shattered front door. Neither of them drank any of the water. Annemarie claimed, as she leaned against the cooler, that it had been destroyed by the nuclear blast, like most of the building, and even if it were still standing it would be too contaminated with fallout to drink. She dressed head to toe in whatever rags she could find that looked safe, and she felt protected. Alex was bent over, sweating and wearing very little, saying that the plastic of the cooler had melted and the water had evaporated in the heat of the exploding sun. Jane Abbott pointed out from across the room, helpfully, that if the sun had exploded, he wouldn’t be alive to complain about it. Alex and Annemarie ignored her; both agreed she was dead.
Jane, for her part, was happy enough to be dead, and she went back home to tell Henry the good news. They were both dead, and they spent the coming months lying inert on their living room floor, big rigor mortis smiles on their faces, watching groups of bored teenagers matter-of-factly loot their house as their muscles atrophied.
Jake Edison, whose friends called him Eddie, was part of the fifth band to raid the Abbott residence, and he felt sorry for them. They were less people and more messes on the floor at that point. He asked his pals if he could turn them; he was pale and low on vitamin D because he’d spent no time out in the sunlight since the Y2K vampire apocalypse. His friends said sure, why not, and he bit each Abbott on the neck once, but they were long gone by then and he shrugged and said, mostly to himself, that sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
People camped in their houses with guns and canned food, or came out of what they called rubble to share horror stories, but in the bigger cities, there was another group: the denialists, the naysayers, the Y2K truthers; the frustrated, confused, and angry who yelled at the world that they’d seen no apocalypse save the sudden transformation of all their friends into complete idiots. And as they marched through the streets with signs proclaiming YOU’RE NOT DEAD and GET BACK TO WORK, stepping over fissures and sinkholes like they didn’t exist, walking through fire and paying falling debris no mind, they were treated like the ravenous hordes of the undead. Or ignored.
Sean Noah Noah is a writer, stand-up comic, and graphic designer living somewhere in the Northeast. Want more? Watch this comedy set on YouTube, read another story in PLUS+, or follow Sean on twitter @SeanNoahNoah.
Send your weird little stories to email@example.com.
19 days until Halloween!
Fridays in Bangkok are tough because I binge drink so I skipped a countdown post. You probably didn’t even notice but to make up for it I’ll actually do more than just photodump.
First off, happy Caturday!
Now what to eat during the apocalypse!
Ok so it depends on what kind of apocalypse we’re talking about. Whether it’s zombies, nuclear warfare, super virus, or robots, there will be some survivors and you’re going to need to stuff your meatshell with something while running away from rotting zombie robot killing machines that spew agent orange. So here are your choices for food:
1) Let’s start with the obvious. Canned goods, especially Spam. That shit lasts forever and you don’t need to heat it up. I’m going to assume that cooking your food will be difficult or next to impossible because you might need that gas or fire for other things like warding off giant rabid radioactive zombie rats. Also canned beans can last up to 30 years and have a lot of necessary protein, iron, and other vitamins and it’s vegan! I’m going the canned bean route.
2) WATER! If you don’t have a water supply you are so fucked. The first thing you should do is get as much water as apocalypticly possible. Speaking from experience, during the floods in Thailand 2 years ago, there was no water in any of the convenience stores or markets and as a water fiend I thought I was going to die. I’m crazy about water. I have to have a bottle or glass of water next to me at all times. There was still tap water and it’s drinkable but tap water tastes like shit. If you’re in the desert, you can make your own water:
Also electrolyte powder packets to prevent and help with dehydration are great. Your water supply will last longer if you mix some of that in. They sell them at 7-11 here since it’s so damn hot and everyone drinks a lot of alcohol here. It’s great for hangovers.
3) Which leads me to BOOZE! Booze lasts forever and will help you deal with the stress of the world about to end. Also if you get cut up, bitten, shot, or need something amputated, it’s a great antiseptic and pain reliever.
4) Roaches, rats, and any other insects. Fuck, vegans are really going to have a hard time during the apocalypse. Roaches and rats can survive anything, including high levels of radiation so they will definitely be around to keep you company during the apocalypse.
5) Instant noodles. Ramen, Cup O Noodles, etc. There are variations of instant noodles all over the world so this is probably going to be the easiest and cheapest food item to acquire. As mentioned in #2, you’re going to want to save your water so you can eat these straight from the package. Also these are vegan if you don’t eat the little chemical flavor packets that come with the dried noodles. Since those are full of sodium and you want to stay hydrated, you should probably stay away from the flavor packets anyway. Dried noodles aren’t very filling but a good snack that kids here in Thailand enjoy and if you’re starving, you’ll be thankful to have them around.
6) McDonald’s. So far the only healthy apocalyptic food are the canned beans and roaches but just like dried noodles, McDonald’s food is full of so much chemical crap that their food doesn’t decay. Plus McDonald’s is all over the planet so it should be easy to locate one near you to break in and raid their shitty food.
7) Astronaut/freeze dried food. Astronaut ice-cream and freeze dried strawberries are the easiest astronaut foods to acquire since they are sold as novelties everywhere and here in Thailand they sell a lot of freeze dried fruit. You can order some astronaut food online. If it’s good enough to keep astronauts alive while they’re out in motherfuckin’ space, it should be good enough to nourish you during the apocalypse. The problem is the inconvenience of getting it. You should probably start dating someone from NASA and get some boxes of astro-food in exchange for sex. Here’s a great article about what astronauts like to eat.
8) Lab meat. I don’t know if this will be easily available by the time there’s an apocalypse but if it is this might be the best choice. It will have all the nutrients you need and I’m sure scientists will make sure it lasts long and will not need to be cooked or else it will be useless.
9) Cannibalism. As you may have learned from my cannibalism post a few days ago, people can eat other people and during times when people need to eat to survive and there isn’t any food, resorting to cannibalism is the obvious choice. This will not work if there’s a zombie/super virus outbreak because then you’ll catch whatever crazy shit the corpse has and die or become a zombie.
I’ll leave you with one last bit of advice if there ever is an apocalypse. Team up with someone who plays a lot of video games because they will be super prepared due to years of simulated practice. I don’t play video games so I need to find some friends nearby who do!
For immediate release: Monday, Sept. 16, 2013
WANT TO BLOW YOURSELF UP FOR “THE LAST GODDAM HOLLYWOOD MOVIE” CONTEST?
Authors John Skipp and Cody Goodfellow knew they wanted to do something special to promote their new book, The Last Goddam Hollywood Movie, a slim novel concerning “the last Hollywood film crew, making the last Hollywood movie, in the radioactive crater formerly known as Los Angeles”.
So they teamed up with filmmaking partner Andrew Kasch (who got over 1.6 million hits for his Princess Bride mashup with the Red Wedding footage from Game of Thrones.) to produce a dozen six-to-twenty-second videos, shot entirely on smart phones. And they’re opening up a contest to all Los Angelenos.
To participate: Grab your smartphone and create a four second video depicting what you’d be doing before the nuclear warhead lands. And then blow up, as in the examples below. Winning entries get a free copy of the ebook, and their work posted and credited as part of this ambitious art project/publicity stunt.
“What we want to capture,” New York Times bestselling author Skipp says, “is a funny, scary, heartbreaking fly’s-eye view of L.A. in its final moments, caught completely by surprise, from south Central to Beverly Hills and everywhere in between. We’ll be posting at least six a week till the end of the month, and hope we get hundreds to choose from.”
The book is half savage showbiz satire, half hardcore apocalypse horror, all complemented by Greg Houston’s powerful art. “If you live in L.A. and work in the Business,” says noted futurist Goodfellow, “the apocalypse will hold few surprises. It’s already here. It’ll only get louder.” And the prospect of crowdsourcing short L.A. films to promote a book about film and L.A. makes the team very happy. (“I’m having fun blowing things up,” notes Kasch.)
The Last Goddam Hollywood Movie gets released today in trade paper and ebook by Fungasm Press, an imprint of Eraserhead Press, the Portland-based publisher specializing in Bizarro fiction who last year had a hit with “Broken Piano For President” by Patrick Wensink. (The book Jack Daniels sent the world’s nicest cease-and-desist letter to.)
For more info on the contest’s rules, go to: https://bizarrocentral.com/multimedia/the-last-goddam-hollywood-movie-contest/ Inquiries (and contest entries) can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org Movie links are below. ——–
1) BARKING SCOOB! (Starring Scooby Hamilton)
2) FRANCESCA LIA BLOCK ON TV!!!! (Starring Francesca Lia Block)
3) HULA GIRL! (starring Laura Lee Bahr, with music by The Slow Poisoner)
Check back here for more videos and visit THE LAST GODDAM HOLLYWOOD MOVIE CONTEST page to join in and follow along!
by Tracy Vanity
by Tracy Vanity
Even after making a post about creepy bunnies for my Creepypasta Halloween Countdown, I still have a shitload of creepy bunny pics in my folder.
I could give a shit about Easter but I do love creepy bunnies!
If you want more, Retrogasm is posting a shitload of creepy vintage Easter bunny pics on their tumblr.
by Tracy Vanity
I’m really glad I don’t know how to make animated gifs because I spend enough hours a day dicking around on the internet. Thankfully there are people out there who have dedicated their time to the art of animated-gif-creating so I don’t have to bother learning and can just repost their shit.
Since this is the 1st Twisted Tuesday of the year I wanted to do something other than post twisted videos. Believe me, I have like ten years worth of fucked up youtube vids to post. And there will be plenty of time for that…
For this post, I want to get reader/lurker involvement. One or more of these various moving images should inspire your fingers to fly across the keyboard in response, be it a simple “wtf IS that?” to an anecdote about your life, to a made-up story that just slapped your ass. Anything. Whatever your reaction is, post it! You can even do it anonymously if you’re shy.
So I’m going to post 13 animated gifs with an accompanying Roman numeral so that you may reference it in your response if you so choose.
Just like you, I don’t know the origin of most of the shit I come across and just add my own interpretation. That’s really what the internet is here for: fuck context, it’s all about your reaction…an internet Rorschach test if you will. Just post your immediate reaction to anything you see.
Now on to the Animated Gif Apocalypse!
by Tracy Vanity
As the resident partial Maya, I felt it was my duty to represent my partial people by throwing a Maya Apocalypse party through Bizarro Central.
First, the world is not going to end on December 21st, 2012. Y2K 2.0, surprise, surprise.
The Maya calendar resets to 0, which means an epic new beginning, not a cataclysmic end. It’s like a mega-New Year except instead of it representing an end to 365 days, it’s an end of a B’ak’tun which equals 394 years!
The Maya are celebrating by conducting fire ceremonies and giving offerings to Mother Nature.
But just because there won’t be giant fireballs hitting your city or zombies ripping into your delicious skull, doesn’t mean you can’t still celebrate yet another Apocalypse.
To get you pumped for this year’s doomsday, I have complied an epic 21-song Maya Apocalypse Party soundtrack for your end-of-the-world enjoyment. This Maya Apocalypse Party soundtrack includes music from Tiny Tim, Nancy Sinatra, Deltron 3030, Nine Inch Nails, Pixies, Rudimentary Peni, David Bowie and more. There’s even a dark song in Mayan. The last video is my favorite!
BTW you can monitor the Apocalypse”LIVE UPDATES” via Russia Today.
You should always live your life as if it’s the Apocalypse but this is Bizarro Central, I know you already do. See you on the other side!