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Flash Fiction Friday: My World-Famous Christmastime Eggnog

Editor’s note: In honor of the season and as a public service, we are departing from FFF’s usual narrative format to bring you this important eggnog recipe.

by Frank Edler

It’s Christmastime again. A time of joy, love, warmth, giving and all that nonsense. What Christmastime really is all about is that it’s about time I share my world famous Christmastime eggnog recipe with you all. No, it’s not a old family concoction passed down from generation to generation and across oceans and time. Instead, this is a recipe I have been perfecting for over four decades, tweaking it as the years pass by. Adding some of this, taking away a dash of that and honing it into the decadent, unforgettable Christmastime drink that it is today. It’s just so good that I can’t not share it with the world. So here we go!

You will need:

  • 36 eggs, yolks separated
  • One pitcher of milk, direct from the cow
  • One pitcher of heavy cream, store bought
  • One of those giant bags of white processed sugar from a bakery supply store
  • Bourbon, barrell and all
  • Rum, lots of rum
  • Nutmeg (Meg Ryan can be substituted)
  • Christmas Cheer
  • A sprig of mistletoe

To Prepare My World Christmastime Famous Eggnog:

1) Milk the cow. This is essential. The fresh, unpasteurized, non-homogenized milk is the cornerstone of my world famous Christmastime eggnog. If you go with store bought you may was well just stop right here and pick up a pint of that pre-made garbage. Don’t be a loser, it’s Christmastime!

2) Separate three dozen eggs, reserve both yolks and whites in separate bowls. Once all eggs are divided, scoop out three yolks by hand and attempt to juggle them.

3) I’m not kidding, do that.

4) Ha! Fool! You’ve got egg yolk all over the place don’t you? A mess already! Duh, even if you are a professional juggler you can’t juggle yolks. Everybody knows this, it’s scientifically impossible. And let’s face it, baking is science so consider yourself WOKE! Leave the mess where it is and don’t wash your hands and let’s move on.

5) Okay, now you’re going to need to get a beater or whisk or you can just use your index finger. Take the bowl of egg whites and beat them into soft peaks.** I don’t really know what that means but I’ve seen it in almost every recipe that asks you to use egg whites. I mean, what else could you really do with egg whites anyway? Like make a egg white omelette I suppose but you’re certainly not the type of cretin that would eat an egg white omelette if you’re making my world famous Christmastime eggnog. So, just go ahead and make whatever you interpret soft peaks to be, because I sure as shit don’t know. We’ll maybe make crafts with that later so set it aside and move to the next step.

6) Oh! I almost forgot. Quick, get a plain drinking glass. Alright, now take like 5 egg yolks and put them in the glass. Oh, just do it! No more juggling, I promise. Cool, now CHUG THAT SHIT! Fuck yeah, just like Rocky! Bad ass!*

7) Now you’re going to want to take however many egg yolks are left (I lost count, if you’ve kept track in your head to this point you’re a friggin’ dork) and add them to the biggest bowl you have in your house. Open the ridiculously large bag of sugar and add just enough to fill the bowl to the rim.

8) Ever make meatloaf? Good, get in there with your hands and combine the sugar and yolks. You’re going to make another mess obviously but that’s only because you’re a dumbass. Who the hell would add that much sugar to anything. You will rot your teeth out for sure. So don’t worry about all the sugar falling out all over the counter, that’s on you pal and you don’t need it anyway. Glutton.

9) DON’T WASH YOUR HANDS! I know your hands are like human sandpaper now with the yolk/sugar mixture forming a 25-grit coating up to your wrists, but we’re going to have to power through these next few parts.

10) Now, the fun part. The bourbon barrel. No! Wait! The rum first! Pour yourself a shot, toast to some insignificant bullshit and down that puppy. There, don’t you feel less irritated about this recipe for my world famous Christmastime eggnog now?

11) The bourbon, for real now. Pop the top off the barrel. Be decadent. Lick some out like you’re a cat. When finished, pour all that egg and sugar in there. Get a mop or something and stir that up real good.

12) So now, what you have is just nog. Yes, I know there is egg in it but really what you need to do is thicken up that bitch. Only then will you have a true, world famous Christmastime egg nog. What you’re going to want to do here is take that store-bought heavy cream and pour it on in there. The store bought stuff is actually so processed it has the comparative consistency of wall spackle. Continue to stir with mop until thick. When the mop handle stands upright on its own, you have reached desired thickness.

13) Take another shot of Rum. You’re gonna need it.

14) Ladle out equal parts egg nog in the fanciest, most festive, gaudy Christmas themed eggnog glasses you can muster.

15) Grate a little nutmeg (or Meg Ryan) over the top. Garnish with mistletoe. I know it’s poisonous but it’s Christmastime, god damnit, where’s your holiday spirit?!

16) One more shot of rum. You’re really, really going to need it!

17) Serve and enjoy.

Merry Christmastime Everybody!

*Puke if necessary.

**I nearly forgot the soft peaks! After you’ve finished my world famous Christmastime eggnog and the wave of nausea and/or agita and/or diarrhea has passed, do something with those soft peaks. Wouldn’t want them to go to waste. You can use them as a facial cream, you could do some papier-mâché or perhaps use them as paint on canvass. Seriously, I have no clue what the hell you do with soft peaks. Let me know what you come up with!

________

Frank Edler may have been drinking when he wrote this recipe. He wants everyone to know he dated Mrs. Claus before she ever met that fucking dick. He was her first, and Santa just has to live with that shit. Listen to him talk bizarro fiction on Bizzong! The Bizarre and Weird Fiction Podcast. He wrote Death Gets a Book, and you didn’t.

________

See your name up in pixels! Submit your bizarro flash fiction to FlashFictionFridaySubmissions@gmail.com.

TOP TEN MOVIES OF 2016

Jeff Burk is the author of several bizarro books, the head-editor of Deadite Press, the host of the Jeff Attacks Podcast, and watcher of too many movies.

It’s that time again – my favorite movies of 2016!

Want to see what I liked in previous years? Check out these links:

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I said last year was an amazing year for movies but this year was even better and narrowing down to a top ten was even harder! We really seem to be entering a wonderful period of original genre films. No matter your taste or style preference, there had to be something this year that really got you off.

It seemed that much of the genre discussion this year focused on big budget sequels, remakes, and adaptations. But while the latest Marvel and STAR WARS flicks dominated the box office there was a ton of great original work in horror, sci-fi, fantasy, and just straight-up weirdo shit. There was so much great work that my list for this year’s top ten initially had around 30 movies on it (I keep track of every new movie I see and enjoy in some way).

Now I know there’s a lot of you wondering why I thought this year was so good. Mass release films were shit. If you only went to the multiplex I understand why you’d think this year was lackluster—but, holy shit, did VOD kill. For good or bad, the role that indie theaters use to fill is slowly being taken over by VOD. Personally, I think it’s a great thing as it seems to me that every year more and more adventurous releases come out and this year knocked it out of the park in ways I did not anticipate.

At this point in time, if you have an internet connection and complain that there’s no new good shit coming out—you’re straight-up not looking.

Every year there is some debate in the comments on how I come up with my list, in particular the question of how I determine release dates. Most movies it’s easy to pinpoint the year they were released it but sometimes there’s releases that have festival screenings up to a year before the genre audience can see it. If a movie had a limited release last year but the wide wasn’t until this year and that’s how I saw it – I count it. If it had a limited release that I saw but it’s not wide until next year and I saw it – I still count it. It’s not a perfect system but it’s what I got.

With that out of the way, let’s move on to my favorite movies of 2016! Like I said, there was a ton of movies that I liked this year and they couldn’t all be on my top ten. Here’s some that almost made the cut.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: THE WITCH, SWISS ARMY MAN, ALL THE WAY, SIREN, ASSINATION CLASSROOM: GRADUATION, HOLIDAYS, THE GREASY STRANGLER, YOGA HOSERS, SAUSAGE PARTY, and SHIN GODZILLA

Check out those movies. They were all seriously good. But they weren’t my favorites of 2016.

These were.

10: THE ALCHEMIST COOKBOOK (Joel Potrykus, United States)

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A man goes into the woods to use science and metaphysics in an attempt to summon dark forces. While that may sound like something you’ve seen/read many times before this movie takes an original spin via the main character’s perspective. Instead of the normal middle/upper class white college student/scientist this story stars a young black man who is a self-taught intellectual from the inner city. How his background comes impacts him throughout the course of the story provides a fresh and unique perspective on a genre-theme stable.

This will have you guessing until the end at what’s really going on. When it gets to the climax and everything comes together, oh man, does it pay off good.

I also want to give a shout-out to the wonderfully atmospheric and desolate directing. Absolutely fantastic atmospheric horror.

9: HARDCORE HENRY (Ilya Naishuller, Russia/United States)

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This is just pure non-stop over the top action from beginning to end. That it’s filmed in first person perspective via cameras in the main character’s eyeballs and basically happens in real time has earned it a comparison to being a video game on film. That’s kinda accurate but instead of computer generate characters it’s almost all practical effects and stunts done in camera.

The movie opens with Henry, a recently awakened cyborg and the audience’s eyes, dropping 50,000 from floating military compound and it only gets more insane with each passing scene. Wait until you see one of the most memorable and…unorthodox, shall I say without giving some fun away, strangulation scenes ever put to film.

8: THE INVITATION (Karyn Kusama, United States)

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A man and his girlfriend are going to a dinner party hosted by his ex-wife and her new husband with some old and new friend in attendance. While they are there the man begins to suspect that something is very wrong.

This is basically a one-set thriller in the tradition of classic Hitchcock films. The brilliant writing and character dialogue will have you constantly on the edge of knowing what’s going on but never really sure.

It’s a slow burn but it’s a goddamn powder keg when it finally goes off.

7: WEINER (Josh Kriegman and Elyse Steinberg, United States)

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The best documentary about U.S. politics ever made.

You might remember Anthony Weiner as the politician who got in trouble for accidently posting pictures of his dick on twitter. What you may not remember was that at one point he was predicted to be one of the rising stars in U.S. politics. American is quick to forgive sexual transgressions of politicians and Weiner was ready to run for Mayor of NYC. A film crew was given full fly-on-the-wall access to his campaign and family for his redemption story. And then he got busted again for sending out pictures of his junk and everything in his professional and personal life beings to unravel.

Never before had we seen such an intimate view of campaign politics, how someone’s personal flaws can tear it all apart, and how it affects everyone around him.

6: 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE (Dan Trachtenberg, United States)

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After a car wreck a woman wakes to find herself in an underground bunker with two other men. They tell her that they rescued her but she can’t leave due to some sort of “attack” that has made the air outside dangerous. They don’t know what happened but they have ideas—and she’d definitely is not allowed to leave.

This movie is goddamn intense and you’ll have no idea who to trust at any time. All three of the main actors are fantastic with John Goodman having the stand-out role as the shelter builder and the unknown to her and the viewer savior or villain.

Despite the title this movie has nothing to do with the CLOVERFIELD giant monster movie. It seems they are now making some sort of TWILIGHT ZONEish anthology series and if future installments will be of this level of quality I am all in.

5: TRAIN TO BUSAN (Yeon Sang-ho, South Korea)

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I don’t give a fuck how sick of zombie movies you are—you need to see this!

A train is going from Seoul, South Korea to Busan, South Korea. Shortly after they leave the station the zombie apocalypse happens. The entire movie is about their journey. I know you think you’ve seen this before but you really haven’t. What this movie lacks in original concepts it makes up by doing every other aspect better than any zombie movie that has come before. The attack scenes are among the craziest and most intense zombie scenes ever put to film. The effects are amazing. The plot is brilliant. And, most amazingly, the characters are real, deep, and you will care about them.

In a subgenre that we all want to go away this movie does the unthinkable—it shows us everything we’ve seen before in a brand new way.

4: HIGH-RISE (Ben Wheatley, Britain) 

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I’m not really a fan of director Ben Wheatley or the novels of J.G. Ballard but this combination of the unique styles just really worked for me.

In the 1970’s a rich man moves into a high rise apartment building in which the floors are divided by class (poor on the bottom, rich on the top). The building is completely self-contained with everything a person could want. But one day, for no reason, nobody living there can bring themselves to leave and nobody who doesn’t live there can bring themselves to enter. With no food or maintenance coming in the building it all quickly falls into bizarre anarchy.

This film reminded me so much of classic 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s high-concept surrealism. Fuck, the plot is basically an update of Buñuel’s THE EXTERMINATING ANGEL. You don’t see too many movies like that anymore so it’s so great to see this.

3: THE AUTOPSY OF JANE DOE (André Øvredal, United States)

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The sophomore film from the director of TROLLHUNTER couldn’t be more different than his first. Instead of a found footage creature feature we have a beautifully shot horror mystery. It starts with a bizarre crime scene and a mysterious body—the Jane Doe of the title. The entire movie revolves around the autopsy of the unidentified victim and the impossible things the medical examiners find.

With each strange thing they find you’ll become more and more sucked into the bizarre plot and then when the movie reveals what it’s all about I guarantee you’ll get a few shock and shivers.

It’s creepy but it’s not a slow burn. It’s graphic but it’s not exploitive—but this movie is about an autopsy after all. There’s jump scares but it’s never cheap. This has everything but never leans too heavily on one aspect of horror. It’s a brilliant mash-up of styles that will keep you constantly on the edge of your seat.

This is the scariest and most fun horror movie of the year.

After these two extremely different but amazing horror films, I can hardly wait to see what Øvredal does next.

2: BASKIN (Can Evrenol, Turkey)

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Fuck yeah! This is the hardcore horror flick of the year!

The plot is about a bunch of cops who get sucked into Hell and…well, that’s really it. But this movie isn’t about an intricate and complex plot, this is about placing a group of characters in an insanely surreal and nightmarish scenario and watching how they do or do not deal with it.

And holy shit is this nightmarish!

Remember those scenes from Hell in EVENT HORIZON? That’s what the last hour of this movie is like. Just one weird and strange moment of torture, gore, and perversion after another—the bestiality scene is amazingly creative and horrific. I just wanted to warn you that this movie doesn’t hold back.

This may just sound like dumb torture porn but it’s anything but dumb. The acting, directing, set-design, dialogue, special effects—everything is incredibly well-done and made by people at the top of the horror filmmaking craft. This is the most beautiful and effective journey into Hell since HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER 2.

This movie isn’t for everyone but if you’re a sicko like me you’re gonna love it!

1: GREEN ROOM (Jeremy Saulnier, United States)

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The best punks versus Nazis movie ever made!

A punk band on tour in the Pacific NW plays at a Nazi skinhead bar and witnesses something terrible. Trapped in the back of the club, the band must do everything they can to survive and get out while the Nazi skins do everything they can to kill them.

This is seriously one of the most intense movies I’ve ever seen. This is not an adrenalin action flick—this is a dark and violent cat and mouse game with each side doing everything they can to outwit the other. But when it gets violent—holy shit! This isn’t like most movies were the blood splatters and you cheer. In this when people get hurt they suffer and you see in all in very graphic detail. I wouldn’t really call it gory but when it gets violent it doesn’t flinch from showing the ugliness of real world violence.

And I’ve got to give mention to the two stand-out acting roles of all the movies I saw this year. Patrick Stewart plays a rare villain role as the Nazi leader that is just wonderfully refined evil. Plus Anton Yelchin stars as the lead singer of the punk band in one of his last roles before his untimely death. His character bounces back a forth between tough-ass punk singer to scared as shit victim and his performance is fantastically vulnerable and even touching at points.

Fun Fact: Broken River Books head-editor and bizarro/crime author J. David Osbourne has a cameo in the crowd during the mosh-pit scene as a skin. Lazy Fascist Press head-editor and bizarro/fish fiction author Cameron Pierce filmed a scene as a skin in Stewart’s gang but the scene was apparently cut.

WHAT I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO IN 2017

KONG: SKULL ISLAND (Jordan Vogt-Roberts, United States)

I’m a devoted fan of giant monster movies and I’m a huge fan of the KING KONG franchise. This one looks absolutely amazing.

So that’s my list for 2016. Agree? Think I’m full of shit? Let me know in the comments.

Have a Bizarro Christmas

Christmas is actually a really weird holiday, and bizarro writers have captured its weirdness in the past with books like Sausagey Santa and Christmas on Crack. But in 2016, some new voices have come forward to write weird stories about this cherished holiday season.

GIVE OF YOURSELF

Give of Yourself: A Bizarro Christmas Tale by [Widener, Lee]

A savagely satirical look at Christmas traditions in a science fiction setting where giving of yourself is taken to a literal extreme. This is not your typical Christmas story- this is Bizarro Fiction, so be prepared for weirdness!

Lee Widener’s latest excursion into Bizarro, following “David Bowie is Trying to Kill Me!” and “Rock N Roll Head Case,” is another example of his unique style of Bizarro Fiction. Follow the Flortwire family as they celebrate Christmas in a far future world even stranger than our own!

NOTE: This is a Kindle SINGLE, not a full novel, and in the great tradition of Christmas through the ages, it’s overpriced for the holidays! Get it here!

SATAN’S LITTLE HELPER

Satan's Little Helper by [Sweeney, Kevin]

 

Stuffed full of Xmas magic and stomach churning ultra-violence, it’s THE HUNGER GAMES garroted with fairy lights and force fed to THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS!

The devil only wants to be adored, and thinks that remaking himself as “Satan Claus” will win the hearts of the world’s children. From dictator of Hell to beloved myth of childhood, it’s certainly an ambitious career change.

He totally fucks it up.

Trying to set things right, he invites children from every country in the world to the North Pole to take part in a contest, a scavenger hunt, with the winners becoming his little helpers on Xmas Eve. With Adolf the Red-Nosed Reichdeer and his army of dwarf Elvis Presley clones helping, it’s bound to be a success… Except for one problem.

All the kids are armed to the teeth. And all the kids want to kill him. Get it here!

Nathan Carson reads STARR CREEK at Powell’s

This weekend, Nathan Carson held a reading at Portland’s own Powell’s Books. From all reports the reading was a huge success! There was even cake.

Weird Book Releases, Fall 2016

More bizarro books are dropping for the Christmas season, brought to you by Atlatl Press, Strangehouse, and Bizarro Pulp Press. Click the titles to head over to the book’s Amazon page.

WE DID EVERYTHING WRONG

Abraham Koyfman is a widower of nine months. He works from home selling subliminal self-help tapes for a questionable doctor he found in an ad in the back of a magazine. His meager retirement is enough now that he’s alone and Abraham is ready to quit his job—a task proving to be difficult due to the company’s tactics. The combination of grief and the lack of empathy from his adult children have him ready to quit life, also. On the day he reaches the breaking point his friend Horace pays an unexpected visit with his new girlfriend. Horace’s remedy for Abraham’s plight is to party hard, act juvenile, and take a road trip to confront the doctor in charge of the work from home scam. But will an insufferable friend, a bad case of misanthropy, and the absurdity of modern technology and its sociocultural impact make Abraham’s situation better?

THE MORTUARY MONSTER

It’s Corpse Bride meets Eraserhead despite Gonzalo’s best efforts to live a life like Leave It to Beaver’s. Gonzalo grew up in the cemetery under the care of his monstrous parents and in the company of decaying corpses. As a result, he only desired one thing throughout his childhood: To be normal enough to join society. But despite his attempts at running away from his family, he has never been able to leave the mortuary. Now, as an adult, Gonzalo manages the cemetery. His family has died yet he is still unable to leave. Then, on the night of the annual Cadaver Tea party, something impossible happens—he impregnates the corpse Fiona. In an attempt to normalize the cemetery before his child’s birth, Gonzalo begins to close all the coffins, forever locking the dead inside. Without the intercession of corpses like Henry, the voluntary babysitter of abused children, Lionel, the life-long explorer, Victoria, the world’s first professional deep-sea water ski champion, and Vincent, Victoria’s long-time lover and trainer, Gonzalo believes he and Fiona will be able to raise their child to join the rest of the world. But in the throes of terminal calcium deficiency, Fiona’s bones deteriorate to dust immediately after she gives birth. Can Gonzalo make the young Frank, his now motherless, half-corpse son, normal enough for society? Can he raise his son without becoming like his own parents? Will Gonzalo become the Mortuary Monster he has spent his whole life trying to escape?

TURDMUMMY

It’s one of those days again: you discover tiny Egyptian pyramids and slaves in your stool, and soon, you give birth to a Fecal-Pharaoh, that is cursed… Yeah, it’s one of those days again. Heroine addict babies crawl onto your body, and you become a superhero – sure, the girls dig your new infant-muscles, but you must keep up with the little crying bastards drug hunger. Yup, that shitty day again, when your wife calls for the police and the operator tells her that an officer will arrive in 9 months, and a few weeks later, your woman discovers that she is pregnant with a tiny police man that beats your stick with a baton every time you wanna get intimate with her.
Action, drama and holy fucking fecal matter! Join Turdmummy, the Foreskin-Golem, Craphouse Christ, the fat Christmas-tree mermaid, Prostate-Yeti and Tampon-Steed in a messy, surreal fight against good taste.

BATTERING THE STEM

It’s going to be a long, hellish day on Utica Ave. The employees of Brooklyn’s seediest soul food joint, Clayvon’s King Prawn Chicken N’ Biscuit, have a mysterious new patron: Edgerin. Called a “vagrant” and a “beggar”, he’s got a thing or two to learn them in the delicate art of begging… Within twenty four tense, bloody hours, all the filthy secrets buried under the nail beds of the Clayvon staff are revealed in this darkly comic urban crime story from author Bob Freville.

WONDER WEAVERS

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Starting in the fall of 1896, something very strange was going on in the night skies of the western United States. Newspapers and law enforcement were inundated with reports of bizarre machines flying over cities and towns, mostly in Texas. There are thousands of accounts in the newspapers from that time; no one knew what to make of them then, and today in the 21st century, we still don’t. There were also numerous reports of odd people or figures manning the airships of unknown origin and speaking in unfamiliar languages. What was going on? Were people on the ground just making up these stories or do we have a case of multiple witnesses to a major secret event occurring years before the Wright Brothers?

Matt Bialer, poet of the weird and unexplained, grapples with the mystery in his epic poem, WONDER WEAVERS. The narrator of the poem is writing a book on the subject while at the same time helping his extremely shy teenage son prepare a book report on HG Wells’ INVISIBLE MAN. He is also continuing his never-ending search for his long lost missing brother who loved airplanes and who first told him about the Wonder Weavers.

Then the key to the mystery of the airships is possibly found: A series of large old scrap books of esoteric drawings, collages and watercolors of these unreal flying machines are found at a garbage dump. The books are from another time and possibly even another realm. They turn out to be the creation of a reclusive old Prussian butcher who lived in Texas in the 1890s named Charles Dellschau. The drawings have German and some sort of code in them and many references to a “Sonora Aero Club.” The object here is to crack the code; the code of human ingenuity. And to soar to the heights of exhilaration and imagination and maybe something even well beyond.

 

 

Cyber Monday is BIZARRO MONDAY

For 1 day only, our entire Kindle catalog is on sale! Including recent releases and best sellers. $0.99 each! Find books by Carlton Mellick III, John Skipp, Jeremy Robert Johnson, Brian Keene, Cameron Pierce, Jeff Burk, David Agranoff, Kirsten Alene Pierce, Garrett Cook, Danger Slater, Robert Devereaux, Edward Lee, Tiffany Scandal, Kevin L. Donihe, Michael J Seidlinger, Patrick Wensink, Molly Tanzer, Laura Lee Bahr, Kevin Maloney, Andre Duza, Sam Pink and more!!

Head to Amazon and fill your e-reader with bizarro!

Carlton Mellick’s GOD ON TELEVISION made into a short film

Filmmaker Gnic Giusto has created a short film inspired by Carlton Mellick III’s surreal short story, God on Television. Congratulations, Mr. Giusto! Thank you for creating this piece of bizarro cinema!