by Sean Kelly
The couple stood on the beach where they had first met, the ocean water sloshing around their ankles. Justin stroked Natalie’s hair and she smiled. The moonlight glistened in her eyes. They gazed at each other. This was the moment they had been waiting for all these years. His heart raced as he leaned in and kissed her, so did hers. Their lips parted, but they remained close enough to breathe each other’s breath. Natalie ran her fingers down his chest.
“I’ve dreamt of this moment,” she kissed his shoulder. “For so long.”
“Me too,” Justin whispered in her ear. “I love you, Natalie.”
“I… I loofah you too, Justin.”
The crew broke in to laughter. Natalie blushed.
“Cut!” the director chuckled.
“Loofah!?” she teased herself. “Yeah, that’s right! I loofah you, Justin.”
“Why I loofah you too, my love!” he joked.
This put the crew in hysterics. Except for the cameraman, who just wanted to get this scene over with.
“Alright, alright.” The director wiped a tear from his eye. “Compose yourselves. From the top!”
The laughter stopped.
***
“The Romantic Beach. Scene 14. Take 2.” The crew member clapped a clapperboard.
Justin’s heart raced as he leaned in and kissed her, so did hers. Their lips parted, but they remained close enough to breathe each other’s breath. Natalie ran her fingers down his chest.
“I’ve dreamt of this moment,” she kissed his shoulder. “For so long.”
“Me too,” Justin whispered in her ear. “I loofah you, Nat-”
Uproarious laughter.
“Ah, see!? Now you’ve got me doing it!” He slapped himself on the forehead.
“Cut!”
The crew were all red in the face from their giggling. The cameraman rolled his eyes, unamused.
“Okay, let’s…” The director struggled to get his words out through intense laughter. “Let’s try this again. Everyone, quiet on the set! From the top!”
The laughter stopped.
***
“The Romantic Beach. Scene 14. Take 3.” Clap.
Natalie ran her fingers down his chest.
“I’ve dreamt of this moment,” she kissed his shoulder. “For so long.”
“Me too,” Justin whispered in her ear. “I love you, Natalie.”
“I love you too, Justin.” She drifted off in deep thought for a moment. “What do you think it’ll be like when we grow old?”
Justin broke their embrace and looked down at the water.
“What is it, my love?” she asked, concerned.
“It’s just…” he was on the verge of tears. “There’s someone else…”
Natalie’s heart broke. Her skin went cold.
“Someone else!? How could this be? You love someone more than me?”
“It’s…” he reached in his pocket.” “It’s my loofah!” he whipped out a loofah and used it as a puppet as he spoke in a high pitched voice.
“You’re not takin’ my man, you dirty bitch!” The loofah went off.
At this point the crew members were rolling around in the sand, gagging on their laughs. The clapperboard guy was so hysterical that he started bashing his own skull in with the clapperboard. The boom operator was hammering away at the ground with the mic. A stunt double puked.
“PFFFFT! Cut, people! Cut!” The director’s face looked like he was being strangled. “Quiet! Quiet on the-PFFFT! HAHAHAHA!”
The cameraman rubbed his temples. He was becoming increasingly annoyed. Justin did a little jig with his loofah.
“LOOFAH! LOOFAH! LOOFAH!” he chanted in his high pitch loofah voice.
Crew members began passing out from laughing so hard. Natalie desperately gasped for air. He sat down in the ocean and pretended to bathe with the loofah.
“Oh baby! That’s right!” the loofah moaned. “Rub me all over your body!”
Clapperboard guy collapsed and his brains spilled out of his forehead. The boom operator used the mic to pole vault herself in to the ocean. The director frantically slapped himself in an attempt to regain his composure. One of the extras took off sprinting down the beach, his laughter disappearing in to the darkness.
By now, Justin had stripped naked and was scrubbing his balls with the loofah, continuing to talk for it. Natalie reached down and snatched it from him.
“Justin is mine, you silly loofah! He just uses you to clean my juices off his dick!” she chucked it out in to the ocean.
A few moments later, the boom operator popped up from the surface with the loofah in her mouth. She dog paddled to the beach while everyone continued to laugh. Once she stepped out to the sand, she bent her head back and fired the loofah in the air. It came back down and landed on the tip of Justin’s erect penis.
“Loofah, my love!” he grinned, pointing at it. “You came back to me!”
“Oh yeah! I couldn’t enough of your giant cock!” it replied.
This brought on unimaginable waves of laughter. Justin flexed his dick, flinging the loofah back in to the air. It fell several feet back in the ocean with a plop.
The camera man gritted his teeth and spoke sternly. “Can we please get this shot over with? I have shit to do.”
The director composed himself beyond a smirk that he couldn’t wipe off. “He’s right guys. Everyone quiet on the set. Let’s take it from the top!”
Clapperboard guy’s leg twitched slightly. He was dead. The director looked back at the puking stunt double to tell him to clap and realized that he was dead as well, his smiling corpse still puking an endless stream. He turned his attention to the camera man and raised an eyebrow. The camera man pinched the bridge of his nose and went over to clapperboard guy’s corpse, picked up his brain and walked in front of the camera.
***
“The Romantic Beach. Scene 14. Take 4.” The cameraman said unenthusiastically, stretching the brain and releasing, causing it to make a slapping noise as it popped back in to form. He dropped it, went back around the camera, and continued filming.
The couple stood on the beach where they had first met, Justin’s erect penis deflating. He poked the tip of Natalie’s nose and said “Boop!”, she smiled. They gazed at each other. This was the moment they had been waiting for all these years. His heart raced as he leaned in to kiss her.
Suddenly, the loofah washed on to shore. Natalie pushed Justin away.
“I can’t…” she sighed. “Not with the loofah watching.”
The cameraman slowly panned in on the loofah. It looked heartbroken.
“Don’t worry about that, Natalie,” he assured her. “That loofah was just a fling. It’s you that I love.”
A tear ran from Natalie’s eye. “I wish I could believe that. But I’ve seen how you two are together. Loofahs are the perfect life form. Of course, you’d choose it over me. I’m just a human. Inferior in every way.”
“Natalie… Please understand. It was just about sex. That loofah means nothing.”
She stared at him blankly. “Maybe you don’t realize it yet, but that loofah means everything.”
Natalie spit in his face turned and walked into the ocean. Justin began crying and looked over at the motionless loofah. His sadness turned to anger as he marched towards it.
“This is good.” The director whispered with a sinister smile. “Keep rolling.”
The cameraman nodded and did as he was told.
Justin bent down over the loofah and gripped it with both hands. He spoke in his loofah voice again.
“Justin!?” The loofah cried, as his dick became erect again. “No! What are you doing!? Stop!”
He shoved his cock all the way through the loofah and began thrusting furiously.
“LOOFAH! LOOFAH! LOOFAH!” he chanted in his high pitch loofah voice, continuing to thrust.
“Yes! YES!” The director moaned, shoving his hands down his pants and playing with himself.
The cameraman breathed heavily as he filmed, shoved the camera’s eyepiece deep into his eye socket.
“LOOFAH! No, please let me go! LOOFAH! You’re hurting me!” the loofah begged for mercy through Justin’s mouth.
“AH! AH! YEEES!” The director moaned, a stain forming on the front of his slacks. “We’re gonna win an Oscar for this one, cameraman.”
The eyepiece busted out the back of the camera man’s skull, dripping blood.
“TAKE IT! LOOFAH! TAKE IT ALL!” Justin screamed manically. “Take. Every. Fucking. Inch.” He threw his head back and howled like a wolf. Gallons of cum shot from the top of the loofah.
“LOOOOOOFAAAAAAAH!”
Justin did a little jig, then fell motionless, the cum soaked loofah still wrapped around his ejaculating cock. He convulsed and semen oozed from every orifice. His eyes rolled back. He was dead. The director pulled his sticky hands from his pants and ran them through his beard.
“Perfect,” he said. “That is a wrap.”
The cameraman yanked the eyepiece out of his eye socket. Blood gushed from the holes on both sides of his head.
“About fucking time!” The cameraman sighed in relief, unfazed by his head leakage. “I thought we’d never get that shot.”
The director licked cum and beard hair off his fingers. “But we got it. And boy did we ever. I fucking love this business, cameraman.”
“Yeah… I fucking loofah this business too.” The cameraman’s eye widened, his face went pale. “Wait! LOVE! I MEANT LOVE! I LOVE THIS BUSINESS! I-”
A shotgun blast blew the cameraman’s head apart, splattering the director with brains. The headless body stood for a moment, projecting crimson several feet in the air, then fell and its limbs curled up like a spider.
“Cut.” A high pitched voice said.
A crew of man-sized loofahs were behind a second camera, filming the original crew. One of them lowered their smoking shotgun. The loofah director bounced over to the human director, who was actually just an actor in the loofah’s new experimental art film/interspecies rape porno.
“LOOFAH! LOOFAH! Sorry we had to kill your friend,” the loofah director apologized insincerely. “LOOFAH! But you know how expensive this film is. LOOFAH! We can’t afford any more fuck ups.”
The loofah yanked the film reel off the prop camera and started feeding it down the actor’s throat. After the last of the film had been consumed, the loofah stepped back.
“Are you ready to try again? LOOFAH!”
“Please…” The actor pleaded. “Just let me go. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t masturbate to a man fucking a loofah again. I’m all masturbated out. For Christ’s sake! My balls are killing me!”
The loofah thought for a moment. “Very well. LOOFAH! Put him out of his misery.”
The shotgun loofah raised his shotgun and fired a hole through the actor’s chest, ending him. The crew of loofahs began laughing uncontrollably.
“Alright, LOOFAH! Alright.” The loofah director said. “Compose yourselves. LOOFAH! LOOFAH! Lets take it from the top!”
The laughter stopped.
“But sir…” The loofah camera man interjected. ”All the actors are dead.”
The loofah director looked around at the bloody mess of corpses. “Hm. You’re right. LOOFAH! Wait, I’ve got it.”
***
“The Loofah Beach. Scene 21. Take 263.” The loofah crew member clapped a clapperboard.
Two loofahs stood, one holding Justin’s corpse, the other Natalie’s. They used the corpses as puppets and spoke in low pitch voices.
“I’ve dreamt of this moment,” the loofah slumped Natalie’s corpse forward to make it look like she was kissing Justin’s shoulder. “For so long.”
“Me too,” Justin whispered in her ear with a loofah’s voice. “I love you, Natalie.”
“I… I loofah you too, Justin.”
_______
Sean Kelly lives in Florida and is a writer of Bizarro and Splatterpunk.
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