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Bizarro Breaking News!: Giant Genital Beatdown, Moving Museum Statue, Mac N’ Cheese Stabbing & More!

by Tracy Vanity

Blame the Supermoon but a lot of weird shit has been going on lately. Here are the highlights:

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  • Woman dressed as a giant vagina saves a giant penis from mob attack.

via Dangerous Minds

Performance artists dressed as giant male and female genitals from the Nomadic Academy of Fools were running around merry old England spreading the joy of genitals when a group of passersby took offense to the giant dick and started beating him up. The vagina saved him and the assholes dressed as regular people called the police who told the dick and vagina to remove the costumes because it was offensive.

Quote from Nomadic Academy of Fools:

We’re trying to highlight the contradiction in society. People were offended by us walking around in costume, but it’s nothing you can’t see in magazines and newspapers that are often displayed in a child’s eye-line. On the whole, the reaction we had was positive from most people.”

Assholes-dressed-as-regular-people ruin everything!

  • Ancient Egyptian Statue turns 180 degrees, scares the shit out of everyone.

via Geekosystems

In what looks like a job for the crew of the Mystery Machine, an ancient Egyptian statue in the collection of the Manchester Museum seems to have taken on a life of its own, rotating 180 degrees in its closed glass case, apparently untouched by any outside force. A time lapse video of the statue moving — seemingly of its own accord — has gone viral, causing some to go full O’Reilly and claim that supernatural forces are behind the motion. Others, including noted physicist Brian Cox, remain convinced that the statue’s spin can be explained without resorting to sentences containing the phrase “mummy’s ghost.” For our part, we want someone to find Old Man Withers, stat.

The statue is a ten-inch high offering to the ancient Egyptian god of death, Osiris, and is inscribed with a prayer on its back, which after three days of slow, steady turning in its display case, faces museum patrons.

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  • Where else but Florida would a man stab his brother over mac n’ cheese? Seriously, where?

via wpxi.com

Randy Zipperer was really jonseing for some mac and cheese. As he searched his house for the golden goodness his brother Edward joined in to help.

That’s when things went wrong.

Randy was already mad because he couldn’t find his food so when Edward accidently knocked over his beer a scuffle followed. That ended with Randy stabbing Edward in the stomach.

Cops in Daytona Beach, Florida said Randy told them he was just playing around with his brother and “poked him a little with the knife.”

The Daytona Beach News reports Ed was left with a small puncture wound and bruised feelings.

 Cops did recover a 6-inch knife with blood on the tip.

Randy is still in the slam, taking up residence in the Volusia County Jail on an aggravated battery charge.

No word on if he ever got his mac and cheese or if they happen to serve it in the lockup.

If you think I’m needlessly picking on Florida you obviously haven’t been following @_FloridaMan on twitter

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“SpongeBob Squarepants Brawl” wins for so many reasons!

Moral: If you’re going to act fucking crazy, wear a costume because it adds to the lulz.

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