Flash(back) Fiction Friday: My Very First Bizarro Story
(EDITOR’S NOTE: This was written between classes at Saint Mary’s Catholic Elementary School in Boise, Idaho over the Fall of 1991. Amazingly, the original manuscript from over 20 years ago still exists. This was my first attempt ever at an original story. I learned how to read and write at home a year earlier. At that time, I was very much interested in war and war machines. The protagonist is myself, the characters of “Matt”, “Mom”, and “Dad” were modeled after a classmate and my parents respectively. Everything else came from my imagination or was inspired by books, TV, comics, and the popular culture of the time.)
(IN 15 PARTS)
by Joe (age 6)
Edited (for spelling/grammar/formatting only) by J.W. Wargo (Age 28)
Part I: The Air Force
One day my mom took me to the Air Force. They gave me a little toy jet. Then I saw a magic lamp. I took it home and went outside. I went behind a tree and rubbed the lamp. A genie came out. He said, “Matt’s my name and flying’s my game.” I said, “Matt, can you make my jet turn into a real jet?” Matt said, “Yes.” And before you knew it, I was in the air flying everywhere. Then dad came home and fainted when he saw me. I came down with Matt.
Part II: The Day Matt Met my Parents
After I put my jet in the garage I said, “Matt, I want you to meet my mom and dad.” Matt said, “Okay.” We went inside and right when Matt stepped inside, mom fainted. I said, “Oh, brother!” We went back outside. I said, “You’ll never get to meet my mom and dad.” “There is a way,” said Matt. “All they have to do is believe in genies.” “How do you do that?” Matt said, “I’ll have to look in one of my books. While I’m looking for the answer you go talk to your parents. Okay?” “Okay,” I said. After that Matt saw my parents.
Part III: The Clocks Change
I wanted to fly my jet, but dad said, “No.” I said, “Why not?” He said, “Joe, it’s only 6:30 in the morning.” I said, “Only?” “Go back to sleep.” “No,” I said. “Not unless I get to ride my jet.” “Fine. Do whatever you want to do, but don’t be late for school.” I said, “Okay.” I turned the key and off I went. I looked on my clock. It said 7:45. I had 15 minutes to get ready and I was almost at Bishop Kelly High School*. I said, “Oh no!” Then Matt came. I said, “Matt change all the clocks in the state to 7:00. He said, “Your wish is my command.” Soon all the clocks were changed.
(*EDITOR: Bishop Kelley HS is across town from where I lived at that time.)
Part IV: The Day I Thought I Lost my Jet
After school I went home and watched Tiny Toons. On it, Montana Max was flying a jet. And right when I saw the jet something popped out of my head.I said, “The jet and Matt!” But when I opened the garage door the jet was not there. And the genie wasn’t there. Then I heard something in the air. It was Matt flying the Jet. I said, “Matt, I was just going to fly my jet.He said, “Okay, I’m coming down.I said, “Okay. He came down. He said, “Joe, when can I go back to the Air Force? I said, “Not ’til the fourteenth chapter. He said, “Okay.”
Part V: Sleepy Head
It was 7:00AM. Right now Matt would be eating. But when he saw that there was no food in the bowl. He said, “Rats, my owner must still be lolling around in bed. I hate living with Tweedee the Wonder Dummy. He woke me up with one of his spells. I said, “Hmmm, it’s 7:05. He said, “Yeah, and I’m hungry.” “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that my family sleeps ’til 11:30.” “Then I’ll make my own breakfast, even though it’s 7:20.
Part VI: Sleepy Heads
It was 5:30AM. Matt and I were sleeping like the moon. Mom said, “Rise and shine, Matt and Joe.” I looked at the clock, it was 5:32. We said, “Good night.” Mom said, “Joe get up!” I got up. Mom said, “I left you a bowl of cereal on the table. I said, “Where are you going?” “I’m going to work.” I said, “Okay.” I ate my breakfast, the I played Sega Genesis. Matt finally got up at 6:55. I said, “Good morning.” He said nothing. He ate breakfast then we both went back to sleep. We woke up at 3 in the afternoon.
Part VII: War Against Countries
After I was done riding my jet the phone rang. It was the Air Force. They said they needed the jet. I said, “Not until the fifteenth chapter. “But there’s going to be a war. It stars at the ninth chapter and doesn’t end ’til the thirteenth chapter. And the war is us against Japan, France, England, and Portugal.” “We need other countries to help us.” “I know just the ones. Here’s the ones I thought of. Egypt, South America, Finland, Canada, and China.
Part VIII: Getting Ready for the War
I brought the jet to the Air Force. We got ready for the war. “I can’t wait for the next chapter.” “Me either,” said the general. I said, “Shut up.” I had to sit in the corner. Poor me. Then the Sergeant came. He said, “Get out of that corner.” I smiled. I got out. Then Matt came. I said, “I haven’t seen you since the sixth chapter.” “Neither have I.” “You guys get out here! There’s a girl!”
Part IX: War!!
We found out that it was my mom. She said, “Dad wanted you to take this army suite, rifle, pistol, machine gun, 2 knives, and 20 hand grenades. I said, “Not enough.” She said, “Joe take them!” She yelled so loud the general flew like Superman. Another guy jumped. The sergeant said, “Wow, 100,000 feet.” Then a gun blew. The war began, but only Japan and England came. And only Canada came. Lots and lots of people were dead.
Part X: Genie Got Hit
While the war was going on, a cannon ball came and smashed the general. The sergeant said, “That’ll teach him not to put people in the corners.” It will be lunch time in a while. Then a man said, “Lunch time!” We all pigged out even though all I used was the rifle. Then someone said, “AHHH!” We looked out. When I saw what happened, all the food that was in my mouth was on the ground. Matt was lying on the ground dead.
Part XI: To the Hospital
An ambulance came and took Matt to the hospital. I came with him. Too bad I couldn’t fight in the war. We were a mile away from the war. Then I heard someone. He/She said, “Dinner!” I said, “Must’ve been my mom because the seargeant flew past the ambulance. Then we were finally there, but the people said, “Go to another hospital.” Then a guy came out with my machine gun. They said, “Ok.”
Part XII: The Comedy War
After Matt was better, he said, “Where am I?” I said, “At the hospital. He yelled. The sergeant back at war said, “That’s Matt.” “Shut up,” said a soldier. The sergeant shot him. We came back with Matt but accidentally brought MC Hammer. He said, “Yo, was up!” All the soldiers shot at MC Hammer. He said, “Can’t touch this.” Then he died. Then we got Matt but accidentally brought George Washington. He said, “Is this the thirteenth colony?” They shot George Washington. His last words were, “President.” Then we got Matt.
Part XIII: The Last Battle
This was it. The last battle. Dodododo dodododo dodo- “Alright! Alright! Enough with the drum.” The drum stopped. There was a pause, then they said I was the leader because the sergeant was unconscious at hte hospital. Poor him, but I said, “Yes!” “I heard that,” said the sergeant at the hospital. I said, “Shut up!!” Then I just heard that England and France surrendered. YEAH!!!
Part XIV: Back to the Lamp
After we were done with a party, I had just remembered that we were almost done with the story. So I said, “Back to the lamp.” He said, “Ok.” He left.
Part XV: Big Jet to a Little Jet
After I put him in the lamp, I forgot that I didn’t have a little jet. So I let him out. He turned it back into a little jet. Then he went back. I threw the lamp in the lake.
J.W. Wargo is a Nomadic Bizarro Storyteller currently off the road and writing in Hawaii. His first book, Avoiding Mortimer, was released as part of the 2012 New Bizarro Author Series. He enjoys hitchhiking, street performing, and convincing people to eat Vienna Sausages. Check out some of his travel stories or visit him at: http://jwwargo.blogspot.com