Top 5 “What the Fuck?!” Moments in Mainstream Cinema
by Kirk Jones
When you think back to your earliest exposure to the bizarre, where are you taken? For me, early exposure to the bizarre usually occurred during those rare instances when my parents turned on the television, or rented something they thought would be family-friendly. Then, after our expectations had been met and we were convinced we were watching something relatively safe and mundane, we’d get bombarded by some of the most outrageous shit we had ever laid our eyes on. This list is dedicated to a few of those moments when you’re forced to throw your expectations out the window and turn your suspension of disbelief to its highest setting.
5. Mr. Toilet Man in Look Who’s Talking Too
Mikey is just your run-of-the-mill American child. He likes to pick on his sister, drive his parents insane, and he’s a bit reluctant to potty train. Likewise, Look Who’s Talking Too is your run-of-the-mill film. The tone of the film is set within the first two minutes, and you’re left thinking that the only thing requiring your suspension of disbelief is Roseanne’s voice emanating from an infant child. As if that alone isn’t a hard enough pill to swallow, someone decided to add a fucking vampire toilet that spews toilet duck and demands pee pee for sustenance to the equation:
4. Furry Blowjob Scene in The Shining
Shelley Duvall runs away from her deranged, murderous husband, rounds a corner, and comes face-to-face with an old man getting a blowjob from an obese man in a bulldog outfit. The camera quickly closes in on the man in costume. We reverse POV to Duvall holding a butcher knife, who takes in the scene, casually turns as if what she just saw is perfectly normal, and continues sprinting. I guess seeing a furry sex act pales in comparison to almost being decapitated by Jack Nicholson.
While Duvall runs away seemingly unaffected, this scene stuck with a lot of folks, evidenced by the countless forums online discussing the apparent non-sequitur nature of this moment. There’s more than a handful of folks who want to know what this shit means. Too bad they never bothered with the book, which could have shed a little light on this scene.
3. Singing Hamburger in Better off Dead
Lane Meyer just wants to find a decent minimum-wage job so he can forget about his girlfriend dumping him. The problem is that minimum-wage jobs are far from stimulating, and every time Lane’s mind starts to wander, it results in hallucinations that rival Woodstock’s infamous brown tab acid. He takes a job at the local fast food restaurant anyway. Thus begins his excursion into the realm of male creation fantasies, and what little logic remains in the film goes out the fucking window as a hamburger comes to life and starts singing Van Halen:
2. Dildo Death Scene in Clockwork Orange
Clockwork Orange is one of those weird films you sit down to watch because you’re looking for something outside the moral parameters of the average Hollywood blockbuster. But this scene still stands out among the wealth of ultraviolent and bizarre moments in the film. For me, the beauty of this scene isn’t found in the actual murder. It’s the way the aging woman flips out whenever Alex slaps the porcelain cock, causing it to rock back and forth:
1. Then there’s this shit:
According to the thread on Youtube, this clip allegedly comes from the film Dues et Dono. People are scrawling maniacally on a chalkboard. Another group of people tears them away from the board and throws them to the ground . . . so they can scribble all over the fucking chalk board. Then some skinhead in a wife beater swings a bed around while everyone jumps over it. Coupled with the disorienting camera angles and the mock searches, this scene just makes no fucking sense whatsoever.
Kirk Jones is an instructor of humanities for the State University of New York. His work has appeared, or will be appearing in Amazing Stories of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, A Hacked-Up Holiday Massacre, New Tales of the Old Ones, Bust Down the Door & Eat All the Chickens, Unicorn Knife Fight, Flashes in the Dark, and on Bizarro Central. His first book, Uncle Sam’s Carnival of Copulating Inanimals, was published by Eraserhead Press imprint NBAS in 2010. He also writes about all kinds of shit on his blog: www.bizarrojones.com