Interview Outtake with Vince Kramer
by Spike Marlowe
Vince Kramer is the wild man your parents warned you about, your school principal told you to stay away from, the kind of guy Hollywood made movies about in the 80s. He’s hilarious, creative, larger than life and is dedicated to what he loves, whether that’s a giant death worm destroying Phoenix or staging sexy scenes with his mega-awesome action figures.
His first book, Gigantic Death Worm, is entertaining and a fun read. When I interviewed Vince about his book and other “Life according to Vince Kramer” topics, he had a lot to say about the important things in life, including McDonald’s and advice for being a part of the New Bizarro Author Series.
McDonald’s plays a huge role in Gigantic Death Worm. What’s the perfect McDonald’s meal for readers to eat while reading your book?
You really can’t go wrong. There’s just something there for everybody. I’ve been an advocate for McDonald’s for years because the backlash against their food being unhealthy really pissed me off. I eat there all the time, and whenever I get my quarterly physical, my test results show that I have excellent cholesterol levels, heart rate, blood pressure, etc. And the doctor always comments on how impressed he is that I’m such a healthy young guy. And when I tell him I eat crap like McDonald’s all the time, his answer is simply that I’m one of the types of people who can. I think it’s about blood type too. If someone has a certain blood type, they really need to stay away from red meat and certain shit, while other people can eat whatever they want. I can eat at McDonald’s every day of the week and not gain a pound, other people would gain 20.
So, these VILLAINS saying McDonald’s is killing EVERYBODY need to be shot in the face. And it’s not even about all that too. McDonald’s is an important part of everyone’s childhood. Nothing is better as a kid then going to get a Happy Meal with a toy in it, a chocolate milkshake, and going to their playground, which used to have the most awesome equipment in the world. (I always loved going up inside the huge Hamburgler Jail. It was the best thing ever.) And not only that, but I’ve eaten at fancy restaurants all over the world, I’m talking France, Italy, Greece, etc. And I’ve never had a meal anywhere that tastes better than food at McDonald’s. I’m serious. You can’t go wrong with their food. Eating anywhere else is a waste of time and money.
My favorite meal is a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, with their infamous BEST FRENCH FRIES IN THE WORLD! I also enjoy the occasional Big Mac, or original McChicken sandwich (it has globs of mayonnaise on it, it’s tasty). And if I don’t feel like going out or going grocery shopping for the week, I’ll buy a bag of a dozen McDoubles. They go for around a dollar each, and I’ll just grab them out of the fridge to eat whenever I’m hungry. They’re still good, you know. You can eat them cold and it’s still better than anything else in your kitchen.
McDonald’s is awesome. It truly IS the happiest place on earth. I think if you hate McDonald’s, you not only hate people, but you hate children.
Eraserhead Press has started reading for the 2012-2013 New Bizarro Author Series. What advice do you have for the future NBASers?
Say no to drugs. Move to Portland. And come stay with me for a couple weeks and become my best friend. Also, don’t force or rush anything. Learn the notecard method Kevin Shamel taught me for outlining a book. Get rid of the internet or cellphone for awhile if you ever want to finish anything. Play with action figures. It will actually help with your story. Hire the great Hauke Vagt to do your book cover art if you get accepted. Copy my hairstyle, it’s awesome.
But I think the most important thing to do is GO TO BIZARRO CON. That’s essential.
For seven weeks, each of the other authors in the NBAS 2011-2012 will be featured on my blog at spikemarlowe.wordpress.com; each week a New Bizzaro Author will be highlighted. On Mondays, I’ll post a review of the author of the week’s book, on Wednesdays I’ll post an author interview, and on Fridays I’ll post an amazing piece of writing by the featured author.
What’s even better is that, each week, Bizarro Central will post exclusive outtakes from the interviews. These outtakes will give you a special look at each author’s unique personality and provide special insight into their books.
The rest of Vince Kramer’s interview will be available on my blog Wednesday, February 28th. I promise – it’s fantastically insane.