Flash Fiction Friday: The Omniscient Deity Is a Card Shop
by Jay-Slayton Joslin
The Omniscient Deity is a card shop and it caters to all. It’s hidden on the street in broad day light. Its working hours are 10am – 5:30pm. During nonworking hours, the Omniscient Deity restores its hard spent energy by eating all the pennies dropped on the floor. The Card Shop watches the customers go in and open’s its automatic doors. It lures the customers in with coupon offers like free hats when your transaction totals £13.54 and a few that simply state: eels. Once the customers are inside, the Card Shop is in control.
The Omniscient Deity Card Shop knows exactly what products a customer will want and often presents them with a wide range of choices. Customers often walk in and are presented with a readymade basket of what they need. The omniscient deity card shop caters for all occasions. Yes, here is a card saying: Sorry you got rid of your baby… But would you like the badge with flashing neon lights that spell: Stay away from my uterus! If you decide to have a child with somebody you could give them the Enjoy your baby card, or perhaps be a little more edgy with: Sorry I ruined your abortion!
The Omniscient Deity Card Shop can see everything that happens in the store. It will definitely report you to the police if and when it sees you putting chocolate bars down your socks and walking out of the shop without paying. You may be sent to San Quentin and live there for the rest of your life knowing that there is a very high chance that Johnny Cash will never return to play.
The Card Shop was founded by a Jewish family thirty years ago and it was estimated that the card shop achieved self-awareness only three years later. No-one has seen the Jewish family since. Various customers often complain that they hear screams coming from in between the shelving in the aisles. Complaints for the screams get handled and the customers receive a voucher for Velcro.
The Card Shop serves hundreds of people, in and out, each day. They often walk around the shop with their potential purchases aimlessly. They bring their psychiatrist with them and present them with a blue folder and a pink folder for analysis.
“Which one of these reveals my personality better?” They sometimes ask. “Will a blue folder mean he will love me?”
The Omniscient Deity Card Shop has its own cult. They gather around the cards and chant the holy verses, hundreds of times.
“Hail hail The Card Shop on the 3rd of November.”
The staff there are all dressed in uniforms to uphold the Company. The cable wires on the floor secretly run into their spinal cords and when they speak phrases such as “do you require anything else?” and “That is a lovely shade of pink,” they is the words of the Deity itself.
The Omniscient Card Shop knows that you are reading this about him and has taken immediate and affirmative action. He has posted you a greetings card that has a speaker in it that reads a cease and desist letter. It will see you in court.
Jay Slayton-Joslin is a student, writer, and interviewer. You can see his reviews, interviews, and play games with him here.