The cult section of the literary world

Calling All Combatants for Bizarro Thunderdome!

It’s time to sign up for this year’s Ultimate Bizarro Showdown!  I need 14 more competitors, as a very brave man known as William Box has already thrown his hat in the ring.

We need YOU for the Showdown!

If you’ve already bought your tickets for this year’s Bizarrocon (emphasis mine- Q: Who signs up for an event at a con they haven’t yet bought tickets to? A: Crazy, delusional people.  Every year.) and would like to take part in the most exciting, hilarious part of the entire weekend, please shoot me an “I’m In!” at  Please don’t respond here- Only entries sent to my site email will be logged.

Here Are The Rules:

1) Costumes and props aren’t only allowed, they are encouraged.  (Be careful with full masks as they tend to inhibit the ability of the mic to pick up your voice.)

No idea what this guy said...

2) You only have 3 minutes.  If you go over the time limit people will give you a thumbs up or a thumbs down.  If you get a thumbs up you will be allowed to finish.  If you get a thumbs down you will be removed by the winds of steel and forever denied entrance to Valhalla.

3) Nothing too physically messy (though psychically “messy” is cool).  We’re having the event in a gorgeous renovated historical ballroom.  Any damage or mess, even minor, could hurt the lovely rapport we’ve built with the Edgefield.  Years ago my volleys of silly string almost earned us a cleaning fee until Team Bizarro helped gather it up like a bunch of crackheads picking up carpet fuzz under the black-light.

Dollar Store Silly String= Messier Than the Vomit-Coated Strip Club Wig on a Rock Dealer

4) Judges will vote for the winner based on presentation, weirdness, crowd response, and PH balance of stomach acid.  Seriously magical prizes will be awarded.



1)  Write something specific for this event.  After all the standard readings preceding the event, cracking open an existing book might get some groans.

2)  It helps if you make the story so weird that it’s funny (comical Bizarro is what people want).  Think Andy Kaufman Mighty Mouse more than Andy Kaufman Reading the Entirety of The Great Gatsby.  Annoying people is only funny in retrospect (Trust Me; I’m the guy who tried to plumb a River Phoenix GHB joke three times with ever-diminishing results).  And attempting to shock is likely to get you booted after the three minutes, too.

3)  Focus on entertaining the audience, not just showing off your writing skills.

3.5)  If you time the piece out to three minutes you get to do the whole bit regardless of audience thumb orientation.

4)  Go over-the-top, Stallone-style!

5)  Dress to impress (in a Bizarro way, Stallone-style!).

Baby Grandma lookin' fly and ready to battle!

6)  Don’t be nervous:  You’re guaranteed the most gregarious batch of drunken weirdoes as an audience.  This event is all about having a great time. Garrett Cook arrived the first year, unknown to most, and won the showdown with a piece about a man trying to have sex with a duck.  Carlton Mellick III took the prize the second year for his portrayal of a viking whose embarrassingly large nipples hid a secret power.  Andrew Goldfarb won last year dressed as a massive musical flamingo that used a heavy steel chain for percussion.  Do bring something awesome to battle, but don’t take it too seriously.

I know not what this creature may be... but it's song has touched my heart.

7) If you fuck up, Kevin Donihe will bite you.  Have fun!

Any questions, just let me know.

Best wishes,


One response

  1. Anonymous

    I’ll have you know, he does not just try to have sex with the duck.

    August 16, 2011 at 4:24 pm

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