The cult section of the literary world

Flash Fiction Friday: Text Adventure

by Bradley Sands


If you’ve never played a text adventure game, now is the time. If you’ve never done anything else because you’re playing text adventure games, now is the time to branch out by reading this story… in the format of a text adventure game. More here.



You wake up in room covered in calamity. It resembles your bedroom after a night of refurbishing by a nefarious interior decorator with a scheme to smother you in disorientation. The walls shudder beneath the weight of unpaid bills for illegal Sea-Monkey porn that are sticky with your DNA . . . even though you don’t remember purchasing the photos. The sound of squealing arrives from the east, entering through a doorway of chewable aspirin-tasting candy hearts. There is a sound of squealing from the East.

There is a Whac-A-Mole mallet here.

> inventory

You have:

no pants

the pain that results from carrying a wallet on your person at all times without the luxury of a pocket

>stand up

I don’t know the word “stand”

>secrete sneaker fluid out of feet, wait until it solidifies, and initiate the launch sequence (0.1134)

You are now positioned upright. The squeals are becoming more insistent.

>give colon exam

The results show an Odorous Banana Beast of Krom-skinned wallet and no sign of cancer.

>look inside wallet

You cannot do that!

>remove x-ray eyeballs from indecisive donor and exchange them with regular brand

Success! You can look forward to a day of fighting off nausea while in the presence of strangers.

>look inside wallet

It contains:

an Odorous Banana Beast of Krom-skin condom

twenty bills of used toilet paper

Indonesian Express card

a note

>read note

“Join the No Girls Allowed computer game fun club today! All it takes is a stamp and a spleen.”

>rub nose on mallet

Your schnoz’s magnetic abilities do their job. You now possess the Whac-A-Mole mallet.


You fall through a gopher hole. You are dead.


Bradley Sands is the author of Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face (forthcoming from Lazy Fascist)Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You, and It Came From Below the Belt. He is also the editor of the magazine Bust Down the Door and Eat All The Chickens. You may tell him what you think of his book titles here: Then you may find a site to buy Phen375.

6 responses

  1. edmundcolell1

    You enjoy a nonsensical Bradley Sands story.

    >check inventory for pants

    Don’t know “pants”

    July 14, 2011 at 10:31 pm

  2. “illegal seamonkey porn” Worth the price of admission for this phrase alone.

    July 15, 2011 at 8:29 am

  3. Flardface

    You had me at the words “Text Adventure.” Priceless! Ahhhh…..I miss Infocom.

    July 15, 2011 at 4:38 pm

  4. This guy who’s book I just read (One Bloody Thing After Another) and really liked wrote this:

    July 15, 2011 at 9:16 pm

  5. Wishing I could edit comments to fix grammar errors

    July 15, 2011 at 9:17 pm

  6. That was great. In a nutshell, it’s exactly what it’s like to play one of those damn text adventures.

    July 19, 2011 at 12:05 pm

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