Flash Fiction Friday: Text Adventure
by Bradley Sands
If you’ve never played a text adventure game, now is the time. If you’ve never done anything else because you’re playing text adventure games, now is the time to branch out by reading this story… in the format of a text adventure game. More here.
You wake up in room covered in calamity. It resembles your bedroom after a night of refurbishing by a nefarious interior decorator with a scheme to smother you in disorientation. The walls shudder beneath the weight of unpaid bills for illegal Sea-Monkey porn that are sticky with your DNA . . . even though you don’t remember purchasing the photos. The sound of squealing arrives from the east, entering through a doorway of chewable aspirin-tasting candy hearts. There is a sound of squealing from the East.
There is a Whac-A-Mole mallet here.
the pain that results from carrying a wallet on your person at all times without the luxury of a pocket
I don’t know the word “stand”
>secrete sneaker fluid out of feet, wait until it solidifies, and initiate the launch sequence (0.1134)
You are now positioned upright. The squeals are becoming more insistent.
>give colon exam
The results show an Odorous Banana Beast of Krom-skinned wallet and no sign of cancer.
>look inside wallet
You cannot do that!
>remove x-ray eyeballs from indecisive donor and exchange them with regular brand
Success! You can look forward to a day of fighting off nausea while in the presence of strangers.
>look inside wallet
an Odorous Banana Beast of Krom-skin condom
twenty bills of used toilet paper
Indonesian Express card
“Join the No Girls Allowed computer game fun club today! All it takes is a stamp and a spleen.”
>rub nose on mallet
Your schnoz’s magnetic abilities do their job. You now possess the Whac-A-Mole mallet.
You fall through a gopher hole. You are dead.
Bradley Sands is the author of Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face (forthcoming from Lazy Fascist), Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You, and It Came From Below the Belt. He is also the editor of the magazine Bust Down the Door and Eat All The Chickens. You may tell him what you think of his book titles here: www.bradleysands.com. Then you may find a site to buy Phen375.