An Interview with Rico Slade
By Garrett Cook
This Fourth of July, I was fortunate to be able to talk to an American original, an action icon like none ever before him, Rico Slade, hero of Bradley Sands’ book Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You and naturally, the Rico Slade films. One author, one icon, ten questions and here they are:
1) Rico, it is a pleasure and an honor to meet you. Thank you for consenting to this interview.
Yeah, whatever you say, dipshit.
2) First of all, could you tell everyone (for those uncultured ignorami out there that might not own televisions or go to the cinema) what it is you do for a living?
I totally save the asses of the American people.
3) Excellent response, Rico. Really top notch. What is a regular day like for Rico Slade then? What do you have for breakfast? Any favorite Hollywood hangouts?
Usually I get woken up in the morning by a clan of ninjas trying to slit my throat. It beats an annoying alarm clock. After I’ve annihilated all the ninjas, I pray to Jesus Christ, who is my personal Lord and Savior. I usually pray that I’ll meet some hot chicks later in the day who will totally want to do me. For breakfast, I eat some Frosted Mini-Wheats, drink half a case of Neurogasm, and cook up a few scrambled eggs that I mix with the hearts of my enemies.
I leave my mansion and drive downtown in my tank, running over any shifty- looking customers. After that, the CIA usually calls me with a secret mission to keep America safe from total nuclear armageddon. That usually involves commandeering a helicopter unless my pal, Lincoln Hawk, is flying one of his fleets of helicopters nearby. Then I save everyone’s asses, usually by crashing the helicopter into some sort of super secret technologically advanced airplane and ripping out evildoers’ throats as they’re falling to their deaths just in case any of them have parachutes strapped to their backs or are supermutants that can survive falls from 20,000 feet. After I open my parachute at the last possible moment, I use the GPS system the government installed in my brain and locate the nearest McDonald’s. I usually buy a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. While I’m eating, armed robbers always rush into the store. I take them out no prob and return to my meal. Then I hitch a ride on an experimental plane with super speed and topple an unjust dictatorship who got more oil than they know what to do with, leaving the country without a government so the good ole US of A can come in there, take control, and get all humanitarian and shit. After that, I fly back to Hollywood, eat dinner at some swanky place, and pleasure a roomful of women in one of my favorite Hollywood hangouts, usually a whorehouse that lets me get by on credit. When I’m all tuckered out, I fall asleep to the gentle hum of Fox News.
4) Ha! Fantastic! What was your childhood like? What’s it like growing up knowing in your mighty heart that you might one day become the greatest action hero in history?
I didn’t have much of a childhood cause I was grown in a government lab and reached adult size, strength, and intelligence in a couple of days. My first thought was, “Damn, I’m gonna be the greatest action hero in history.” My second thought was “freakin sweet.”
5) Sensational. Truly insightful stuff. Since I’m asking you these questions on the 4th of July, I must know: what are the three things Rico Slade loves most about America? What three things would be different in Rico Slade’s America?
I love America cause it’s the greatest nation in the world! Our national anthem is more awesome than any other country’s national anthem. And we have freedoms like the ability to choose between health insurance companies that no other nation enjoys. I’m pretty damn satisfied by the way America is now, but if I were the president, I would change the name of America to the United States of Rico Slade, legalize prostitution, and enforce a law that makes Sunday church service a little more interesting by legally requiring hard rock and fights to the death. I always go to church Sunday morning, but it’s kinda boring as shit. I deal with it by imagining I’m killing evildoers. Sometimes I get really excited and yell out. All the churchgoers think I’m yelling to express my love for the Lord and I don’t correct them. But I don’t feel bad about that cause I do truly love my Lord, but not as much as hot chicks that want to do me. But the Lord is in everyone, so it’s cool if I love hot chicks that want to do me more than the Lord when he’s not inside the hot chicks. But damn do I love him when he’s inside the hot chicks. Crap. That sounds kinda gay.
6) I’ve heard rumors that your archenemy Baron Mayhem might not be dead? Do you think these could be true? If this is so, should we be concerned? Or is Rico Slade “on it”?
Yeah, the rumors are true. Don’t think there were ever any rumors that he was dead. No one should be concerned though cause I always beat his ass before he can do any real damage. Yeah, I’m on it, motherfucker.
7) Comparisons have been made between you and Chuck Norris. In my opinion, unfair ones. I don’t find Chuck Norris very entertaining and he lacks the deep, personal charisma and flair that Rico Slade has. What would you say to those that make these comparisons?
I would say, “Yo, stop by my mansion so I can give you a lesson in mixed martial arts. I won’t even charge you cause that’s the stand up guy that I am, but you gotta sign a legal document first releasing me from all blame if you end up totally getting your ass kicked. But don’t worry bout that. I’ll go easy on you. A few broken ribs never hurt nobody.
8) How do you feel about Bradley Sands’ book Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You? Do you feel this book captures the real Rico or is it just more nonsense from a writer whose friends and colleagues regularly refer to as a “dick”?
Fuck, dude. I don’t know cause I just started the book. I don’t read too good so I’m kinda slow. I’ve only read the first few paragraphs and it’s pretty fucking sweet so far and pretty damn accurate. I recommend that everybody buys a copy. Don’t know about this “dick” business. He’s definitely a nerd though cause all writers are nerds. Don’t know him too well. He shadowed me on some missions under the stipulation that he shut the fuck up and obeyed, so he’s cool by me. I’ve sort of kidnapped him, but I don’t mean no harm by it and I’m giving him his freedom at the end of the month.
9) I agree. I’ve heard recently-correct me if I’m wrong- but you’re really into decency. I’ve done some research into decency recently. Wild, wild stuff. How is that working out for you?
This decency shit is going alright. Whenever I see someone not being decent, I correct them with a karate chop to their nuts and they start being decent. When I see indecency in the media, I just beat the crap out of the medium that’s bringing the massage. TVs, computers, books, magazines. Then that shit starts being decent. But whenever I inspect a new medium, it’s usually being indecent and I need to kick some more ass. So I guess it’s not working out too well for me, except for with the mediums that I beat up. I’ve been highly successful and shit with that shit.
10) Lastly, I think the ladies out there would hate me if I didn’t ask this…is there a Mrs. Slade? Are there wedding plans in your future?
Nah, I don’t believe in the existence of marriage. It’s all make believe like the dinosaurs and the belief that man used to be monkeys like a trizillion years ago.
Thank you for your time, Rico.
To find out more about Rico Slade, buy the book Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You by Bradley Sands.
Garrett Cook is the author of Archelon Ranch and Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective. And one hell of a Rico Slade fan.