by Spike Marlowe
February, the month of Love the Placenta!, is over.
During the month, I ran a fan fic contest where contestants could submit fan fic mixing my NBAS book Placenta of Love with any other canon they desired.
Much to my surprise, I got so many fantastic, wonderful entries. Sadly, only one can win. And the winner is S.T. Cartledge with his fantastic mash-up “Plaception,” featuring Inception, Trashland a Go-Go, Gigantic Death Worm and The Road.
Below is the first part of S.T. Cartledge’s “Plaception.” You can find the second and third parts on my blog.
by S.T. Cartledge
Venus was home to the biggest theme park in the universe, and on Venus there was a pirate named Captain Carl, and his lover, Juliet. They were both robos: humanoid machines with artificial intelligence.
Captain Carl sat in the Trashland A Go-Go bar in the Hollywood district, drinking rum from a mug served by a giant automaton fly. On the stage, an automaton stripper named Coco danced her erotic display, but Captain Carl wasn’t watching the show. He was waiting for an old friend, a robo named Zampanó 2.0. He was built and programmed by Captain Carl to look and act like the man that made Captain Carl a robo: the original, magnificent Zampanó. He walked in through the beaded curtains, his brass cane in one of his six hands, his attire very trim and proper, and he greeted Carl with a hearty handshake that morphed its way into a hug.
“Captain Carl, so good to see you, although I was a little anxious about the nature of your request.”
“Arrr, Zampanó. Have a seat and order yerself a hearty beverage. ‘Tis true, the winds of fate blow against me.”
Zampanó 2.0 caught the barfly’s attention and ordered a synthetic whiskey. “So, what’s this ill will of fate that troubles you?” Zampanó 2.0 asked Carl.
“It’s Juliet. She wants t’ have… kids.” Carl took a swig of his drink.
“And what did you say?”
“I didn’t know what t’ tell her, did I? I shown her our placenta baby, I said the only two things in this world I’d love were her and the child.”
“You didn’t tell her why she couldn’t have another child?”
“Of course not, yeh stinkin’ landlubber! I don’t wanna destroy her poor soul. It’s jus’… when I look into her eyes, I jus’ can’t bare t’ say no.” Carl finished off his drink and motioned to the barfly for a refill.
“So, what are you going to do?”
“What do yeh mean what am I gunna do? I don’t know! That’s why I wanted to talk to you. You need t’ help me.”
“Carl. Look at me.” Zampanó 2.0 grabbed Carl’s drink before Carl could bring it to his lips and took it off him. “Look at me. She can’t have kids.”
“Yeah, I know that!” Carl banged his fist on the bar, leaving a small crack in the wood. “I know that.”
“She can’t have kids.” Zampanó 2.0 gave Carl his drink back.
“But if I tell her no, she’s jus’ gonna want it more. She’s the best thing that ever happened t’ me. I can’t ruin that. Yeh need t’ help me, Zampanó, please.”
“Sounds like you just need to convince your broad that she don’t want no kids,” the barfly said.
“Nobody asked yeh, scoundrel!” Carl swung his hook at the fly.
“Easy there, Carl, he might be on to something there.” Zampanó 2.0 said, patting Carl’s arm.
“Yeh don’t know her like I do. Aint no convincing her nothin’.”
“What you need,” the barfly said, “is you need to go down the road there, stop by the Inception ride and ask my mate Robo-Cobb a few questions like.”
“Sounds like yer full o’ codswallop.” Carl said, finishing off another drink.
“What have you got to lose?” Zampanó 2.0 asked. “Why don’t we give it a shot. See what this Robo-Cobb guy is all about. If he can’t help, we’ll just try to think of something else. Ok?”
Carl looked down at his one good foot and his peg leg and he sighed. “Ok.”
“What’s wrong?” Zampanó 2.0 asked.
“I just wish there were a way fer Juliet t’ have kids and everyone t’ be happy.”
“Sorry pal. That’s just never going to happen.”
Inception: the Ride
The Inception ride was based around the movie of the same name. The ride usually only lasted for less than a minute, due to the nature of the dream state of the ride. Basically, you enter a dream world where you can live out the fantasies of the world of one of the dreamers. If you don’t like it, you can go two levels deep and have your own dream or try someone else’s dream. The record for the ride is four. Robo-Cobb usually sets three dreams deep as the limit, because anything beyond that can become too unstable, and people often get disoriented and paranoid and confused with anything beyond that. There was also the issue of the suicides. People were convinced they were still dreaming and they wanted to wake up in the ‘real world’. Needless to say, the ride lost its appeal very quickly. It was never shut down, but it didn’t see too many customers any more.
Captain Carl and Zampanó 2.0 had never heard of the film called Inception, but it only took the words “implanted memories” to convince them it would solve Carl’s problem. Robo-Cobb greeted them with a marketable smile, giant blue marble eyes and wavy blonde ‘pretty-boy’ hair. It was just a little bit too forthcoming for Captain Carl’s liking.
“What do you want the memory to say?” Robo-Cobb asked.
“Yeh don’t want t’ have kids,” Captain Carl replied.
“Ok. I think we can work with that. I think what we’ll need to do is focus on the thought: “if you have babies, they will die.” Robo-Cobb said.
“That’s not quite what we’re goin’ fer.”
“Do you want me to do it or not? Do you want me to do it or not? I’ll do it,” Robo-Cobb said. “I’ll fix your girl so she’ll be too scared to ever think of having kids.”
“No. I don’t wan’ t’ scare her! Will you jus’ listen t’ me. We’re not doing it. Not like that.”
“All right, jerk,” Robo-Cobb said. “But it’ll be your funeral when those little monsters tear your life a new asshole. Have fun cleaning up after all their fuckin’ mess.”
Zampanó 2.0 pulled Captain Carl aside and said, “we don’t have anything else to try at the moment, let’s just give it a shot. It’s probably all a hoax anyway.”
Captain Carl sighed. “Fine,” he said. “But if he-” Carl pointed his hook at Robo-Cobb, “-tries t’ do anythin’… ANYTHIN’ funny. We’re not doin’ it.”
“Great!” Robo-Cobb said. “Alright, I reckon we’ll need to go five deep to pull this off. ‘Dead babies’ isn’t an easy memory to plant. I’m thinking my mate Slappy will do the first dream. It’ll be like this world, to ease… what was her name?”
“Juliet,” Captain Carl said.
“Ease Juliet into the dream. And there are going to be no children. It’ll be a happy world, where Juliet can relax and begin to forget about her baby-making desires. Then Bubsy will come in with the drunk dream. This one is important, to get her head fucked up enough to let us mess around with it. Then your mate Zampanó, we’ll need him to make a baby dream, to extract those emotions from her. Then you do a baby nightmare, and I’ll shock her to her senses with the dead baby dream.”
“I don’t know about this,” Captain Carl said.
“It’ll be a piece of cake, my friend,” Robo-Cobb said. “Just bring her in any time and we’ll consider it done.”