I first heard of this song in the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books. This is a nice cover:
Don’t ever laugh as a hearse goes by,
For you may be the next to die.
They wrap you up in a big white sheet,
From your head down to your feet.
They put you in a big black box
And cover you up with dirt and rocks,
And all goes well for about a week,
And then your coffin begins to leak.
And the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out.
The worms play pinochle on your snout.
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose.
They eat the jelly between your toes.
A big green worm with rolling eyes
Crawls in your stomach and out your eyes.
Your stomach turns a slimy green,
And pus pours out like whipping cream.
You spread it on a slice of bread,
and that’s what you eat when you are dead.
And the worms crawl out, the worms crawl in.
The worms that crawl in are lean and thin,
The ones that crawl out are fat and stout.
Your eyes fall in and your hair falls out.
Your brain comes tumbling down your snout.
And the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
They crawl all over your dirty snout.
Your chest caves in, your eyes pop out,
And your brain turns to sauerkraut.
They invite their friends and their friends too,
They all come down to chew on you.
And this is what it is to die,
I hope you had a nice goodbye.
Did you ever think as a hearse goes by,
That you may be the next to die?
And your eyes fall out, and your teeth decay,
And that is the end of a perfect day.
The origins of the song are unknown. It is said to date back to the 19th century and there are slight variations to the song. It’s fun to sing.
Typing of hearses, Abraham Lincoln’s hearse was pretty pimp.
I have a thing for Lincoln. Even when he was alive he still looked dead…
Fun weird Lincoln fact: Lincoln used to see his doppelgänger in the mirror. In Lincoln’s biography, Abraham Lincoln: The Prairie Years, Carl Sandberg wrote:
A dream or illusion had haunted Lincoln at times through the winter. On the evening of his election he had thrown himself on one of the haircloth sofas at home, just after the first telegrams of November 7 had told him he was elected president, and looking into a bureau mirror across the room he saw himself full length, but with two faces. It bothered him; he got up; the illusion vanished; but when he lay down again there in the glass again were two faces, one paler than the other. He got up again, mixed in the election excitement, forgot about it; but it came back, and haunted him. He told his wife about it; she worried too. A few days later he tried it once more and the illusion of the two faces again registered to his eyes. But that was the last; the ghost since then wouldn’t come back, he told his wife, who said it was a sign he would be elected to a second term, and the death pallor of one face meant he wouldn’t live through his second term.
Lincoln also had a dream of seeing his own corpse, not long before he was assassinated:
About ten days ago, I retired very late. I had been up waiting for important dispatches from the front. I could not have been long in bed when I fell into a slumber, for I was weary. I soon began to dream. There seemed to be a death-like stillness about me. Then I heard subdued sobs, as if a number of people were weeping. I thought I left my bed and wandered downstairs. There the silence was broken by the same pitiful sobbing, but the mourners were invisible. I went from room to room; no living person was in sight, but the same mournful sounds of distress met me as I passed along. I saw light in all the rooms; every object was familiar to me; but where were all the people who were grieving as if their hearts would break? I was puzzled and alarmed. What could be the meaning of all this? Determined to find the cause of a state of things so mysterious and so shocking, I kept on until I arrived at the East Room, which I entered. There I met with a sickening surprise. Before me was a catafalque, on which rested a corpse wrapped in funeral vestments. Around it were stationed soldiers who were acting as guards; and there was a throng of people, gazing mournfully upon the corpse, whose face was covered, others weeping pitifully. ‘Who is dead in the White House?’ I demanded of one of the soldiers, ‘The President,’ was his answer; ‘he was killed by an assassin.’ Then came a loud burst of grief from the crowd, which woke me from my dream. I slept no more that night; and although it was only a dream, I have been strangely annoyed by it ever since.
There are quite a few conspiracy theories and paranormal stories surrounding the death of Lincoln and even his assassinator, John Wilkes Booth. A look-alike claiming to be Booth ended up being mummified and his friend showed him around the carnival freak show circuit for several years until a private collector purchased him.
Ready for another shitstorm of the latest Bizarro news gripping the world? Here you go:
- “A spooky clown has been scaring Northampton residents in full costume and make up.He is red haired and white faced and has appeared in several locations in the Abington and Kingsley areas.A Facebook page has now been set up for the clown called Spot Northampton’s Clown which has already achieved over 3,000 likes since it went live yesterday.The clown has proved a sensation on social media and has its own Twitter hashtag #northamptonclown.According to reports it has knocked on someone’s door and offered to paint their sills despite having no painting equipment.Let us know if you see it too”via Northhamton News
- “Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.”
via New York Post
- Florida is some Bizarro vortex, crazy random shit happens every day there. This asshole beat up a child over an argument about hard-boiled eggs. David Belson slammed the girl’s head against the wall, harmed his wife who tried to save her, and is now thankfully in jail. Domestic disputes get pretty ugly in Florida. This guy dumped a cup of tea on his wife’s head.
- Florida isn’t the only place doing some harm with hot beverages. A 61-year-old woman in Japan killed her cheating husband with a cup of coffee!
- Meanwhile in Florida, again, a man is arrested and found with a crack pipe inside his stomach. Ouch!
- That’s nothing though, Anal Mishaps: US Woman Stuck $5000 Cash in Butt, Filipino Jobert Sucaldito Recovering from Cucumber in Rectum.
- A Colombian woman was caught trying to smuggle cocaine in a fake pregnant belly. This was a new one for Colombian police but obviously it didn’t work.
- An artist has created an “edible opera” using biotechnology which uses a cool facehugger-looking helmet that creates edible algae from carbon dioxide which feeds the algae. “The singer has trained herself specially for this project so that she can further enhance her lung capacity to produce the best quality algae possible. The slightest changes in pitch and frequency can apparently determine the algae’s color, texture and even whether it will be sweet or bitter.”
- The blobfish has officially been named the world’s ugliest animal. I totally disagree. They’re cute and endangered too. Poor blobfish!
- In beauty news, a guy named Herbert Chavez dropped £4,400 on 13 surgeries to make him look like Superman. He now looks like an android which is pretty cool.
- In involuntary body modification news, this asshole tattooed his name on his passed out girlfriend’s vagina.
- A Chinese woman was attacked by a snake that was kept for 3 months in a bottle of wine. Sweet revenge!
- Scientists discover that a species of frog can hear with his mouth using mouth cavities. Gardiner’s frogs are one of the smallest species of frogs in the world.
- Peninsula instructors prepare youth for the zombie apocalypse. “Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic,” a graphic novella geared to teens and young adults prepared by the Centers for Disease Control, has the answers. ‘If you are generally well-equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse, you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake or terrorist attack,’ said CDC director of public health preparedness Dr. Ali Khan, who appears as a character in the comic book. The zombie comic started as a tongue-in-cheek campaign, but has evolved into a popular way to impress young people with the importance of emergency preparedness, he explains on the CDC web site.” You can read the CDC zombie pandemic graphic novel here.
- Talk about awesome finds! This German kid found a human mummy in a sarcophagus in a corner of his grandparents’ attic!
- 16 human skulls found near a school in Prague. The skulls were said to be from a “private collection.” Ok I want a collection of human skulls. Obtained legally of course.
- Iowa has issued gun permits for the blind. I think that’s cool, blind people need guns too.
- Man sets fire to neighbour’s house trying to smoke out wasp nest. That’s one way of doing it…
- In cryptozoology news, Swiss police are on a hunt for “Le Loyon,” a mysterious creature who has been spotted roaming the woods in Switzerland for over a decade. He is said to be wearing a gas mask, boiler suit, and cloak. “While he does not seem to be obviously aggressive or dangerous, police are hoping to speak to Le Loyon in an effort to encourage him to be less threatening.”
- Joker-obsessed fan stabs a man at the gym and tries to carve a Joker smile on his face when he’s arrested. He also posted “Why so serious?” on Facebook right after the incident.
- Don’t worry, Batman will save us! Batman and Captain America save a cat from a burning house.
Until next time Bizarros!
By Sam Reeve
Shain Erin hails from California and has this to say of his creepy art dolls:
These are not comforting toys; they can be challenging and defiant, disturbing and enchanting, irrational and frightening, beautiful and sad. They have stories they yearn to tell, and they hold secrets they will never give up. I like to think of dolls as spirit vessels and the making of a doll a kind of offering or invitation. It’s always a collaboration between me and whatever spirit comes forward.
Some of his sculptures were featured here on Bizarro Central over a year ago, but he’s awesome so you get to look at more! You can view more of Shain’s work, or learn more about him, on his blog, Flickr or deviantART page.
by Tracy Vanity
I was strolling around Chinatown with some friends when we happened across a Vietnamese Buddhist Temple. It looked different than the typical Thai temples so we went to take a closer look and a nice, handsome monk invited us inside.
In a hall of important relics and pictures, behind glass was a mummified monk:
The living monk explained that the mummified monk had preserved naturally and so was not cremated as is the norm when a Buddhist dies. Instead his body was dressed and kept in the temple as a sacred relic.
There was a plaque explaining his biography:
“Chao Phra Khun was born Rueng Mathura Sakul at home in Phadung Krung Krasem canal, See Yak Mahanak district, Phranakorn province, Bangkok, on August 19th, 1900.
At the age of 21 years old, he was ordained as a monk at Wat Mongkol Samakom on May 20th, 1921.
At 09:15p.m., on April 11th, 1958 hen passed away in Chulalongkorn hospital.
It was time to perform the cremation ceremony, the head of Anamm Nikai asked the disciples to open his coffin. Miraculously, his body was still remained and dried without being decayed. Monks brought his body out of the coffin and rearranged him in sitting position. His body as relic was placed in the Patriarch’s Hall in order that Annam Nikai monks ans lat people are able to worship him.”
Thai grammar is cute. It’s cool to just stumble across something like this, it’s definitely not on a tour guide. This is not the first mummified monk I’ve seen.
I came across another one, again randomly during a road trip for New Years Eve. The Buddhist temple was empty so there wasn’t anyone to explain why this monk was mummified but he was clearly mummified on purpose as he had that waxy look:
Apparently, naturally mummified monks are not a rarity here in Thailand. There’s a famous naturally mummified monk on the island of Samui who has been fitted with some cool shades. I haven’t had a chance to visit him yet.
by D. Harlan Wilson
An eight-story mummy chases my wife and I from conurbation to conurbation. It looks like a Victorian smokestack—tall and slender, rusted and nuanced with age. We evade the mummy until I find the manuscripts in a gym locker, pinned to the bottom shelf by two lacquered paperweights. They belong to the mummy. I take the paperweights and run.
I hear a magistrate in the mall above us. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he announces into a microphone. “Let us watch the slaves fuck.”
My wife pushes the tension from my spine with her knuckles and thumbs. She minds the lumbar region. Groaning, I make a decision to act spontaneously today. Let the day have its way. Whatever will be will bleed . . .
Overhead a slave cums in his partner’s mouth. The audience becomes hysterical in the classical sense of the term, and the magistrate must summon his guard to steer the masses out of a depressive state with speculative weapons. “People have been cuming in each other’s mouths for thousands and thousands of years,” the magistrate reminds everybody. “We have just witnessed an act of unbridled normalcy.”
Through the blinds I see a man with a prosthetic hand amble onto the stage. Either he is a good actor or he genuinely doesn’t know which side of the curtain he is on. In a loud whisper, I urge him to take cover, but he doesn’t hear me, and soon he succumbs to a “violent hatred.” I know this because the playwright has arbitrated a careless recidivism of the phrase in the man’s soliloquy.
“And now I will completely embrace this rockstar life. I will wrap both arms around it and love it violently. And defend it violently—through violent hatred. I am fueled by a violent hatred for my superiors. I am on a drug and the drug is called Me. Through the medium of violent hatred, I will come to terms with Me. Me is all I have, and violent hatred fills the dark, long void between a mountain and an antihill.”
I follow my wife up a fire escape.
An adjudicator has declared collective-bargaining unions unconstitutional on the rooftop. Committee chairs stand there idly, blinking, mouths half open, moist beards and bald heads gleaming in the sun. I see the mummy’s skull flash past the gargoyles as it jogs around the building. It found us. I surmise that the paperweights have been equipped with a tracking device. I toss them aside and realize it was a tracking aura. A solar corona defines the contours of my marriage.
Loud bell towers stain the palate of sky; my senses implode in a fit of synesthesia, and I worry about Gene Hackman, who is old, in his 80s now, and hasn’t made a movie for over six years. He could die at any moment.
A genius loci leads me in an bewildering direction. Taken aback, I find myself in bed with another woman, her hair spiked, her skin sour and rigid, like a sea horse. As she pleasures me I explain that it’s only because of the trauma of the mummy, a Return of the Repressed in massive and compacted quantities, that I allow her to interpolate the fringes of my selfhood. “My body possesses no meaning,” I say. “Nor does the act you perform upon it. Nothing you do will change me. But I can’t admit to being comfortable with the demise of Gene Hackman. And I can’t stop drinking red wine. Eight ounces per night—I can’t stop. And nobody will give me an intervention.
“I need to bottom out. Danger looms. There is a secret abuse in my past. I’m a lesbian. Figuratively, I mean. I’ve never told anybody that. I didn’t expect it to happen. But at least I have my health. I am very healthy.” I cum in her mouth and slip away before I regret it.
The remarkable fever—it surges like a government-subsidized economic stimulation package. I vomit and stop glowing. Nobody knows where I am. I expose myself to extreme chemicals, to freezing temperatures, then submerge my extremities in a bog. At last, patterns of recognition flood the social bloodstream. In order to prevent being scavenged by jackals and hyenas, I pile flagstones atop my chest and anticipate my continuance in the afterlife where the bedsheets make themselves and ritual designs to symbolize breathing fall to the wayside. Logic fails me only when I stare into prisms. The colors, the angles. The redundancy. In order to exist, one must reproduce the conditions of production at the same time and place as the act of production so that production may take place in the first place. Thus one must shit and fuck in chorus, with simultaneous vitesse monstrueuse. Accidents come in twos. Whenever I total a car, I total another one within days, sometimes hours. The metal ducts penetrate my flesh. I can’t jump high, and I can’t dunk a basketball, but I think I should win the slam dunk contest, if only to reify my will to succeed, and if the judges could witness my dire conviction firsthand, I might have a fighting chance at unraveling these dead-end bandages and climbing out of the aquifer; the pure water obfuscates the purpose of my submersion/subversion; space swallows time, and I go missing… Slave uprising.
They kill Caligula with telekinetic death-rays, exit the Flavian Amphitheatre and use smooth wooden pegs to climb the mummy, hammering them into its gaping pores. They gather at the top into a chthonic hairdo and wait for the mummy to bleed out. This is the moment where mythology establishes its origin. History and the future explode down multiple tracks from a central point of infinite semiotic compactedness. Bodies obtain gender via the torrent of socialization and the internalization of normative glyphs and yet gender belongs to a linguistic network that precedes and fashions the self, subjectivity, desire, bodies. What is at stake? The chemical analysis fails to enter into a concrete, purposeful discussion… I know the drama of the arena rocker who grasps the microphone with both hands and draws out the high notes like whips cracking in outer space. This is the thesis. Always. An epistemological dilemma. A perceptual and intellectual dilemma. Jaws open, eyes closed, I stand in the reeds and reach for the sky.
Thousands of visitors converge on Fleet Street for the Dickwerden party in celebration of continued efforts to become fatter. In my absence, my wife has landed her own Reality TV show. I have been cast as the antagonist despite not showing up for the audition. Immediately the producer usurps the authority of the director and telescript writers and distributes copies of a funerary text throughout the room. Functionaries object. I draw my wife closer and she traces the full range of my jawline with her index fingers, concluding in a triangulation at the chin. “It ends here.” She whispers the instruction and then laps at my ear lobe. We remain this way forever, unweathered by the sand and glass that flows over the intersection of our bodies.
D. Harlan Wilson is the one of the founding authors of the bizarro genre. He is the author of Codename Prague, Dr. Identity, They Had Goat Heads, Peckinpah: An Ultraviolent Romance, and Technologized Desire: Selfhood and the Body in Postcapitalist Science Fiction. He is an Associate Professor of English at Wright State University.