Halloween is tomorrow!
“Unholy Trinity” By Chad Michael Ward
I’ve known the night before Halloween as “Devil’s Night” because of The Crow but apparently this name is mostly used in Michigan due to the large numbers of arsons that always occurs in Detroit before Halloween. Other parts of the U.S. have various names for October 30th such as: trick night, mischief night, devil’s eve, and even cabbage night. “Devil’s Night” is still the best I think. Damn, Brandon Lee was sexy…
Aside from lighting fires, people like to run around and create general mischief before Halloween. Has anyone ever actually set fire to a bag of dog shit and put it on some old man’s porch or do they only do that in movies?
The Devil is the epitome of mischief. Here is this year’s Satanic/demonic love!
This is a good song with “Satan” in the title. Of course it’s about Satan in the form of a woman. The footage is from the classic Russ Meyer film, Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill! Yay Tura Satana! Do you have any favorite songs about the Prince of Darkness or various forms thereof?
Make some mischief and hail Satan! Happy Devil’s Night!
6 creepy videos from the Bizarro part of youtube!
I love Pyramid Head! This video is sexy.
WTF is that?
Clip from Reincarnation. One of the creepiest dolls ever.
You can never go wrong with Shaye Saint John.
Post-apocalyptic short animation about mutated limbs who have to work together.
Bonus: Excellent sci-fi hell comic by Dylan Spencer!
2 days until Halloween!
3 days until Halloween!
A survey found that decorating wards with images of clowns was more likely to frighten young patients than cheer them up.
More than 250 children aged between four and 16 were asked for their opinions – and every single one said they disliked clowns as part of hospital decor.
Even some of the older children said they found clowns scary, Nursing Standard magazine reported.
The youngsters were questioned by the University of Sheffield for the Space To Care study aimed at improving hospital design for children.
“As adults we make assumptions about what works for children,” said Penny Curtis, a senior lecturer in research at the university.
“We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them frightening and unknowable.”
4 days until Halloween!
Sightings of strange beasts and paranormal activity are rampant all over the world. From yetis to chupacabras, even though modern science hasn’t acknowledged the existence of these creatures, many swear that the stories of these sightings are true. There have even been instances of cryptids turning out to be real!
Here are 13 creepy creatures from around the world! Do you have any weird creatures lurking around your neck of the woods?
In 1953 a weird creature washed up on the shores of Canvey Island in Essex. The Canvey Island Monster was described as:
76 cm (2.4 ft) long with thick reddish brown skin, bulging eyes and gills. It was also described as having hind legs with five-toed horseshoe-shaped feet with concave arches – which appeared to be suited for bipedal locomotion – but no forelimbs. Its remains were cremated after a cursory inspection by zoologists who said that it posed no danger to the public. The 1954 specimen was described as being similar to the first but much larger, being 120 cm (3.9 ft) long and weighing approximately 11.3 kg (25 lb). It was sufficiently fresh for its eyes, nostrils and teeth to be studied though no official explanation was given at the time as to what it was or what happened to the carcass.
Spotted in South Carolina, the Lizard Man is said to be 7 feet tall with scaly skin covering his entire body. There have been several sightings, mostly in the late 80’s but a couple reported having their car mauled by the Lizard Man in 2011.
III) Dover Demon
With glowing eyes and grey skin, the Dover Demon resides in Massachusetts. First spotted in 1977, the Dover Demon has become a classic cryptid with his own action figure in Japan.
IV) Mongolian Death Worm
In the Gobi Desert, there have been reports of a bright red worm up to 5 feet long that spits acid and has electric skin. The story of the worm has been around for hundreds of years and many people have attempted to track the creature down.
In September 1931, the Irving family, consisting of James, Margaret and a 13 year-old daughter named Voirrey, claimed they heard persistent scratching, rustling, and vocal noises behind their farmhouse’s wooden wall panels that variously resembled a ferret, a dog or a baby. According to the Irvings, a creature named Gef introduced itself and told them it was a mongoose born in New Delhi, India, in 1852. According to Voirrey, Gef was the size of a small rat with yellowish fur and a large bushy tail.
The Irvings say that Gef communicated to them that he was “an extra extra clever mongoose”, an “Earthbound spirit” and “a ghost in the form of a mongoose” and once said, “I am a freak. I have hands and I have feet, and if you saw me you’d faint, you’d be petrified, mummified, turned into stone or a pillar of salt!” The Irvings made various claims about Gef: he supposedly guarded their house and informed them of the approach of guests or any unfamiliar dog. They said that if someone had forgotten to put out the fire at night, Gef would go down and stop the stove. The Irvings claimed Gef would also wake people up when they overslept. And whenever mice got into the house, Gef supposedly assumed the role of the cat, although he preferred to scare them rather than kill them. The Irvings say they gave Gef biscuits, chocolates and bananas, and food was left for him in a saucer suspended from the ceiling which he took when he thought no one was watching. The Irvings claimed the mongoose regularly accompanied them on trips to the market, but always stayed on the other side of the hedges, even while and chatting incessantly.
Storsjöodjuret is a great lake monster in Sweden who achieved endangered species protection for awhile. The legend of the monster dates back to 1635. Here is the first written description of the monster:
“A long, long time ago two trolls, Jata and Kata, stood on the shores of the Great-Lake brewing a concoction in their cauldrons. They brewed and mixed and added to the liquid for days and weeks and years. They knew not what would result from their brew but they wondered about it a great deal. One evening there was heard a strange sound from one of their cauldrons. There was a wailing, a groaning and a crying, then suddenly came a loud bang. A strange animal with a black serpentine body and a cat-like head jumped out of the cauldron and disappeared into the lake. The monster enjoyed living in the lake, grew unbelievably larger and awakened terror among the people whenever it appeared. Finally, it extended all the way round the island of Frösön, and could even bite its own tail. Ketil Runske bound the mighty monster with a strong spell which was carved on a stone and raised on the island of Frösön. The serpent was pictured on the stone. Thus was the spell to be tied till the day someone came who could read and understand the inscription on the stone.”
Another lake monster, this one residing in British Columbia, is a 50-foot long sea serpent.
VIII) Jersey Devil
A well-known cryptid appearing in shows like the X-Files and every paranormal TV show, the Jersey Devil is a goat-like demonic creature constantly spotted in the Pine Barrens of New Jersey.
A jumping, snake-like creature spotted all over Japan, Tsuchinoko is said to have a high-pitched, blood-curdling scream…it seems most of these cryptids do. Some people say he likes booze and telling lies but maybe that’s just the sake talking.
A wolf-like monster terrorized a French province in the 1700’s, attacking and eating people. With up to 210 reported attacks and 113 deaths, the French government had to step in and spend a lot of money tracking the beast down to kill it. The film, Brotherhood of the Wolf is based on this legend.
XI) Skunk Ape
The Skunk Ape, also known as the Swamp Ape, Stink Ape, Florida Bigfoot, Myakka Ape, and the Myakka Skunk Ape, is a hominid cryptid said to inhabit Florida, as well as North Carolina and Arkansas, although reports from Florida are more common. It is named for its appearance and for the unpleasant odor that is said to accompany it. According to the United States National Park Service, the Skunk Ape exists only as a local myth.Reports of the Skunk Ape were particularly common in the 1960s and 1970s. In the fall of 1974, numerous sightings were reported in suburban neighborhoods of Dade County, Florida, of a large, foul-smelling, hairy, ape-like creature, which ran upright on two legs.
Akkorokamui is a giant squid-like creature that can be up to 46 feet long with claws at the end of its 12 tentacles. It has been spotted in the ocean around Japan, Korea, and even Thailand. Like a Kraken, it attacks ships with its tentacles and eats people when it’s pissed.
Put on your tinfoil hat and watch this:
So much WTF happening there. Hahaha.
Check out some more spooky monsters in my “Monsters of Urban Legend & Folklore” post!
5 days until Halloween!
6 days until Halloween!
It’s now the home stretch Bizarros! Halloween is just around the corner. Time fucking flies!
The point of a Chaos Countdown is for things to be completely random. But I have not made it random enough for my liking. There just isn’t enough CHAOS. This countdown feels like it’s missing something. It needs something more like this:
Perhaps come Halloween, I’ll get the right chaotic Halloween combo to finally summon Cthulhu or at least an army of zombies. In the meantime, I haven’t done a Bizarro News Roundup in awhile so here’s the latest Bizarro news, spooky edition muhahaha!!!
A woman who arrived at China’s Changsha Central Hospital with an itchy ear received the worst diagnosis imaginable: A small spider had apparently crawled into her ear canal while she slept, and had been dwelling inside her for the past five days.”
My ear is feeling itchy…
- 3-Months-Old Indian Baby Rahul Suffers from Horrifying Burns for Rare Spontaneous Combustion Condition
- (Reuters) – A mystery man dressed as Batman demonstrated the same crime-fighting skills as the caped crusader when he handed over a suspect wanted for burglary in Britain.
- Yeti mystery has finally been solved…or has it?
- Grieving relatives find a stranger in the casket.
- “Zombie drug” that has been impacting Russia for a few years is now spreading all over the U.S. Much worse than bath salts, krokodil is a super cheap drug made from codeine, paint thinner, and some other random chemical shit that you really do not want to put into your body. The high has been compared to heroin and at $8 a hit, it can seem tempting but the side-effects of rotting skin spreading all over your body is totally not worth it! Check out this graphic video of doctors treating severe cases of krokodil use in Russia. Probably best not to eat anything meaty-looking while watching or do for that extra bit of spooky nausea. VICE also has a good documentary about it.
There is also this random low-budget movie I found on youtube, with a lot of naked chicks called Bath Salt Zombies!
- Speaking of zombies, hold on to your hats, you might be eligible for a real zombie apocalypse scholarship!
- Talk about total Halloween buzz-kill, this British guy has been ordered to remove his Halloween decorations for being too awesome!
- In happier Halloween news, these dudes made a flying grim reaper and scared the shit out of people with it. I love a good spooky prank and can’t resist a great gif!
- Have you read about the only known pair of real necropants housed in the Museum of Icelandic Sorcery & Witchcraft yet? If not, where the fuck have you been? It’s probably the best spooky Bizarro news EVER! Just look at the pants!
So how does one acquire a pair of these awesome serial killer-like duds? Well it’s really easy. All you need to do is…
“get permission from a living man to use his skin after his death.
After he has been buried you must dig up his body and flay the skin of the corpse in one piece from the waist down. As soon as you step into the pants they will stick to your own skin.
A coin must be stolen from a poor widow and placed in the scrotum along with the magical sign, nábrókarstafur, written on a piece of paper. Consequently the coin will draw money into the scrotum so it will never be empty, as long as the original coin is not removed.
To ensure salvation the owner has to convince someone else to overtake the pants and step into each leg as soon as he gets out of it. The necropants will thus keep the money-gathering nature for generations.”
PS – I will never get tired of typing necropants. NEVER!
Until next time Bizarros!
7 Days Until Halloween!
#1) Vampira! By far the hottest and original of the old school monster chicks. Best known for starring in Ed Wood’s campy horror classic, Plan 9 From Outer Space and “The Vampira Show,” Vampira created her character in the 50’s and was inspired by The New Yorker comic version of Morticia Addams, Dragon Lady from an old comic called “Terry and the Pirates,” and the evil queen from Snow White. The top pic was from a publicity stunt for her show where she was driven around Hollywood in a gorgeous black Packard.
#2) Morticia Addams (1991 movie version) is the hottest Morticia. I think the original TV version is just too cutesy for my liking, whereas Angelica Houston’s role as Morticia is properly sexy and morbid. The idea for Morticia Addams and the Addams Family came from the cartoons by Charles Addams for The New Yorker, which debuted in 1938.
Movie version Morticia certainly has the best memes:
#3) Lily Munster was originally going to be “Phoebe” and look like an exact replica of Morticia Addams but the studio decided to be more original and come up with something different. Lily Munster’s character is a true vampire who was born in 1827 in Transylvania. Sporting a white muslin dress with vampire wings instead of the tight, black hobble dresses of the other vamps, Lily was still sexy and the actress who played her, Yvonne De Carlo, was quite the looker and in numerous films.
BTW did you know there was a Munsters movie? I didn’t until just now!
#4) Elvira’s style was certainly influenced by the vintage vamps, especially Vampira, and improved upon the skintight black vamp dress with her sexed-up, silly valley girl sense of humor and incredible cleavage. Elvira began her career as a host for “Elvira’s Movie Macabre” in 1981 and starred in her own films like the classic Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. She is still working, doing TV specials, movies, shows at Knott’s Scary Farm, and even has some Halloween-themed singles out on iTunes right now! She hasn’t aged at all. Perhaps she really is a vampire?
#5) Morticia Addams (tv show version) was the original TV Morticia in 1964. Carolyn Jones, the actress who played her, was nominated for a Golden Globe. Even with the cutesy Betty Boop face, her role as the matriarch of a macabre monster family was pretty punk rock for the 60’s and she was a sexy vintage vamp.
#6) Ingrid Pitt, played a sexy vampire in many films in the 60’s and 70’s, including The Vampire Lovers and Countess Dracula based on Elizabeth Bathory. She sexed up the vampire stereotype in her films and wasn’t afraid to bare it all for the screen.
Do you have any favorite hot vamp/monster chicks?
8 days until Halloween!
Going on vacation for a couple days so going to cue pics/videos/gifs and make it up to you once I return!
A plague doctor (Italian: medico della peste, Dutch: pestmeester, Spanish: médico de la peste negra, German: Pestarzt) was a special medical physician who treated those who had the plague. They were specifically hired by towns that had many plague victims in times of plague epidemics. Since the city was paying their salary, they treated everyone: both the rich and the poor. They were not normally professionally trained experienced physicians or surgeons, and often were second-rate doctors not able to otherwise run a successful medical business or young physicians trying to establish themselves.
Plague doctors by their covenant treated plague patients and were known as municipal or “community plague doctors”, whereas “general practitioners” were separate doctors and both might be in the same European city or town at the same time. In France and the Netherlands plague doctors often lacked medical training and were referred to as “empirics”. In one case a plague doctor had been a fruit-seller before his employment as a physician.
In the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, some doctors wore a beak-like mask which was filled with aromatic items. The masks were designed to protect them from putrid air, which (according to the miasmatic theory of disease) was seen as the cause of infection. Being a plague doctor was unpleasant, dangerous and difficult. Their chances of survival in times of a plague epidemic were low.
Some plague doctors wore a special costume, although graphic sources show that plague doctors wore a variety of garments. The garments were invented by Charles de L’Orme in 1619; they were first used in Paris, but later spread to be used throughout Europe. The protective suit consisted of a heavy fabric overcoat that was waxed, a mask with glass eye openings and a cone nose shaped like a beak to hold scented substances and straw.
Some of the scented materials were ambergris, balm-mint leaves, camphor, cloves, laudanum, myrrh, rose petals, storax. This was thought to protect the doctor from miasmatic bad air. The straw provided a filter for the “bad air”. A wooden cane pointer was used to help examine the patient without having to touch them, it was also used as a means of repenting sins, many believed that the plague was a punishment and would ask to be whipped to repent their sins.
For more plague doctor love, check out http://doctor-plague.tumblr.com/
13 Days Until Halloween!
14 days until Halloween!
When people think of vampire animals the first thing that typically comes to mind are vampire bats. The vampire/bat link in vampire folklore could have originated from observations of vampire bats feeding on livestock and people. It isn’t clear if Bram Stoker got this idea from observing vampire bats before writing Dracula but it’s possible.
But vampire bats aren’t the only haematophagous animals. Here are 9 bloodsuckers found in nature that you may not have heard of:
I) The vampire finch, or Geospiza difficilis septentrionalis, feeds on the blood of other birds. They live in the Galapagos Islands and are endangered.
II) Vampire moths have been discovered throughout the world, prominently in Europe, Asia, and Africa. They feed mostly on animals but have been known to fill up on human blood as well. There is even a species of vampire butterfly which feeds of the blood of the dead!
III) The vampire squid (Vampyroteuthis infernalis, lit. “vampire squid of Hell”) are deep-sea cephalopods which haven’t changed much since the 300 MILLION years that they’ve been around! When they feel threatened, they turn inside out into a “pumpkin posture.” Scientists are still trying to figure out their feeding behavior and how their filaments work since they do not grasp at prey like other cephalopods.
IV) Oxpeckers are a species of parasitic bird which feeds not only on the blood or large mammals, but also ticks, earwax, and dandruff.
VI) Vandellia cirrhosa, also known as vampire fish, are a parasitic Amazonian catfish which has been alleged to climb up human urethra by climbing up with the bony spikes on its head where it then attaches itself to feed on blood. Fun!
VII) Evarcha culicivora, or vampire spiders, reside in Kenya and ironically feed on the most common bloodsucker, the mosquito.
VIII) Leeches have been used for medicine and getting attacked by them fucking sucks, especially since there is never just one leech, there are hundreds of them. The ones here in Thailand actually leap out at you. Imagine walking through the woods during monsoon season, checking out some nature, and suddenly every few steps, little black slimy things leap out at you and stick to your feet and legs sucking your yummy blood. I had no idea they could leap! That shit was scary and of course reminded me of this:
IX) Lamprey eels are the most fucking creepy blood-sucking animals out there! With that cluster of little razor-sharp teeth they use to latch onto passing animals in the water to suck their blood, it’s hard not to look at pics of them and not get the creeps. They rarely attack humans though and there is a tribe which still hunts and eats them. It’s an acquired taste…
For more spooky shit found in nature, check out my “Zombies in Nature” post.
15 days until Halloween!
16 days until Halloween!
Yesterday was the last day of the vegetarian festival here in Thailand. The festival is lunar and is always around this time of year. It lasts ten days and the first and last day is celebrated with a parade and party with lots of deliciously fattening vegan Thai food available nation-wide. Devote followers of this particular brand of Buddhism and Hinduism are vegan for ten days for good luck and karma.
Super devote followers, typically Thai-Chinese men, end the last day of their “purification” by extreme body mutilation, especially through their cheeks, during a trance-like, supernatural state. Some also walk up a ladder of knives, submerse in hot oil, and walk through fire to prove their purity and show that they have reached the plane beyond normal human pain tolerance to the realm of spirituality.
In the island of Phuket, in the Southern part of Thailand, this celebration is the most intense. With a celebration around most of the city with people throwing fire crackers at each other, swinging swords, and playing hypnotic percussion instruments, the celebration gets very intense and it’s near impossible not to get caught up in the supernatural aspects of this festival.
I have not been to Phuket yet but have celebrated the festival in Bangkok where things are much less intense. At the Hindu temple here, the priest skewers his cheek with a thin sword and throws red spice in your eyes:
But in Phuket it’s a whole different story:
17 days until Halloween!
Time for a bit of weird history and the sad tale of a stinky vampire by the name of Cuntius…
Via Alpha History
In 1582 residents in a village in Silesia complained of visitations from a bad-breathed vampire named Cuntius. Before joining the ranks of the undead, Johannes Cuntius had been a respected citizen and aldermen in Pentsch. In February 1582 Cuntius was fatally injured after being kicked by one of his “lusty geldings”. Before expiring Cuntius lingered for several days, complaining of ghostly visions and feeling like he was on fire. According to one witness, at the moment of his death a black cat entered the room and jumped onto his bed. As befitted his civic status, Cuntius was entombed near the altar of his local church. But within a few days several townspeople reported receiving visits from the dead man. All described a “most grievous stink” and “an exceedingly cold breath of so intolerable stinking and malignant a scent as is beyond all imagination and expression”. A whole litany of annoyances and harassments was attributed to the vampire, including accusations of:
“…Galloping up and down like a wanton horse in the court of his house… Miserably tugging all night with a Jew [and] tossing him up and down in his lodgings… dreadfully accosting a wagoner, an old acquaintance of his, while he was busy in the stable [and] biting him so cruelly in the foot that he made him lame… [Entering a] master’s chamber, making a noise like a hog that eats grains, smacking and grunting very sonorously…”
The people of Pentsch tolerated these nocturnal visits until late July, when they resolved to exhume Cuntius’ coffin and deal with his wandering corpse. They found that his:
“…skin was tender and florid, his joints not at all stiff but limber and moveable… a staff being put into his hand, he grasped with his fingers… they opened a vein in his leg and the blood sprang out fresh as in the living.”
After a brief judicial hearing Cuntius’ body was thrown onto a bonfire and burned, then hacked to pieces and crushed to ashes. As might be expected, the spirit of Cuntius ceased its nocturnal visits. By coincidence, the village of Pentsch became the town of Horni Benesov – the ancestral home of US Secretary of State John Kerry.
Source: Various inc. Henry More, An Antidote against Atheism (Book III), 1655.
18 Days Until Halloween!
One of my favorite ways to interact with people online is to exchange weird youtube videos with them. It’s like a bizarre online mating dance, especially when they post something really twisted you’ve never seen before that totally speaks to you. Youtube partying with someone is showing someone a window into your mind and looking into theirs, and being like “wow they are just as fucked up as I am!” It’s comforting and sexy. I love twisted minds with twisted tastes!
I’ll post 12 videos to get the Bizarro youtube party started. Feel free to post some links to weird videos you like in the comments! Show me how twisted you are!
Someone made a toy doll version of The Human Centipede and shows you how to make one too:
It would also be a good costume:
One of those found footage, Blair Witch-type shorts, “No Through Road” was a video found in car with 4 dead 17-year-old boys.
And now for the weather:
Nothing puts me in the Halloween spirit like SKELETONS! Especially vintage ones!
Slenderman has some competition. Meet Mr. Welldone:
OMG Everything is Terrible made a dog version of The Holy Mountain!
Someone made a surreal video for “Fear of the Future” by The Residents. The results are mind-blowing!
A robot head dancing to Mambo No. 5
Animatronic Hitler head singing “Snails IS People Too”
I can’t make a Halloween countdown youtube post without posting a Fewdio video. One of the best horror short movie makers on youtube! The story lines are always original and creepy. This is a great one about a Vaudeville couple and a ventriloquist dummy.
Great stop-motion tribute to David Firth.
Another great youtube account is MrCreepyPasta who narrates some of the best creepypasta stories.
Big thank you to Joe Holliday for sharing some of his youtube porn collection with me! Now post your creepy youtube porn in the comments!
By Sam Reeve
In keeping with the Halloween spirit, I thought I would feature Ray Villafane’s amazing pumpkin sculptures. He also does sand sculptures and toys, but the pumpkin carvings are still my favourite. He has won a lot of major pumpkin carving contests and it’s easy to see why. Feel free to drop by his website to see more of his work.
19 days until Halloween!
Fridays in Bangkok are tough because I binge drink so I skipped a countdown post. You probably didn’t even notice but to make up for it I’ll actually do more than just photodump.
First off, happy Caturday!
Now what to eat during the apocalypse!
Ok so it depends on what kind of apocalypse we’re talking about. Whether it’s zombies, nuclear warfare, super virus, or robots, there will be some survivors and you’re going to need to stuff your meatshell with something while running away from rotting zombie robot killing machines that spew agent orange. So here are your choices for food:
1) Let’s start with the obvious. Canned goods, especially Spam. That shit lasts forever and you don’t need to heat it up. I’m going to assume that cooking your food will be difficult or next to impossible because you might need that gas or fire for other things like warding off giant rabid radioactive zombie rats. Also canned beans can last up to 30 years and have a lot of necessary protein, iron, and other vitamins and it’s vegan! I’m going the canned bean route.
2) WATER! If you don’t have a water supply you are so fucked. The first thing you should do is get as much water as apocalypticly possible. Speaking from experience, during the floods in Thailand 2 years ago, there was no water in any of the convenience stores or markets and as a water fiend I thought I was going to die. I’m crazy about water. I have to have a bottle or glass of water next to me at all times. There was still tap water and it’s drinkable but tap water tastes like shit. If you’re in the desert, you can make your own water:
Also electrolyte powder packets to prevent and help with dehydration are great. Your water supply will last longer if you mix some of that in. They sell them at 7-11 here since it’s so damn hot and everyone drinks a lot of alcohol here. It’s great for hangovers.
3) Which leads me to BOOZE! Booze lasts forever and will help you deal with the stress of the world about to end. Also if you get cut up, bitten, shot, or need something amputated, it’s a great antiseptic and pain reliever.
4) Roaches, rats, and any other insects. Fuck, vegans are really going to have a hard time during the apocalypse. Roaches and rats can survive anything, including high levels of radiation so they will definitely be around to keep you company during the apocalypse.
5) Instant noodles. Ramen, Cup O Noodles, etc. There are variations of instant noodles all over the world so this is probably going to be the easiest and cheapest food item to acquire. As mentioned in #2, you’re going to want to save your water so you can eat these straight from the package. Also these are vegan if you don’t eat the little chemical flavor packets that come with the dried noodles. Since those are full of sodium and you want to stay hydrated, you should probably stay away from the flavor packets anyway. Dried noodles aren’t very filling but a good snack that kids here in Thailand enjoy and if you’re starving, you’ll be thankful to have them around.
6) McDonald’s. So far the only healthy apocalyptic food are the canned beans and roaches but just like dried noodles, McDonald’s food is full of so much chemical crap that their food doesn’t decay. Plus McDonald’s is all over the planet so it should be easy to locate one near you to break in and raid their shitty food.
7) Astronaut/freeze dried food. Astronaut ice-cream and freeze dried strawberries are the easiest astronaut foods to acquire since they are sold as novelties everywhere and here in Thailand they sell a lot of freeze dried fruit. You can order some astronaut food online. If it’s good enough to keep astronauts alive while they’re out in motherfuckin’ space, it should be good enough to nourish you during the apocalypse. The problem is the inconvenience of getting it. You should probably start dating someone from NASA and get some boxes of astro-food in exchange for sex. Here’s a great article about what astronauts like to eat.
8) Lab meat. I don’t know if this will be easily available by the time there’s an apocalypse but if it is this might be the best choice. It will have all the nutrients you need and I’m sure scientists will make sure it lasts long and will not need to be cooked or else it will be useless.
9) Cannibalism. As you may have learned from my cannibalism post a few days ago, people can eat other people and during times when people need to eat to survive and there isn’t any food, resorting to cannibalism is the obvious choice. This will not work if there’s a zombie/super virus outbreak because then you’ll catch whatever crazy shit the corpse has and die or become a zombie.
I’ll leave you with one last bit of advice if there ever is an apocalypse. Team up with someone who plays a lot of video games because they will be super prepared due to years of simulated practice. I don’t play video games so I need to find some friends nearby who do!
A creepypasta is an internet short story meant to creep you the fuck out. The internet is full of them. Here are 6 creepypastas that will hopefully spark some shivers and inspire you to write your own.
By Spike Marlowe
Today is brought to you by a pumpkin latte.
It’s October. Finally!
If there’s one month I love more than November (BizarroCon!), it’s October. Why? Well, to start with, I love fall, and to end with, I love Halloween. I don’t expect this is something I need to explain to you crazy kids. I expect loving October, fall, and Halloween is something we probably have in common.
Since it’s the first week of October, I thought we’d celebrate with a fun exercise.
Below are some holiday-themed images. Your job? Make some sexy art based on one or several of the pictures below. And when I say sexy, I mean make something SEXY.
Post your art in the comments. Let’s see how hot we can get.
Spike Marlowe has held a number of odd jobs, including working as a detective, a Bigfoot researcher, a writer for an internet content farm, a busker and as a performer in a wild west show. These days she’s a writer, blogger and bizarro editor for Eraserhead Press, with a focus on the New Bizarro Author Series. Her first book, Placenta of Love, is available at all the usual locations. You can stalk her online at her website or on Twitter at @spikemarlowe.
I first became interested in cannibals by watching all those awesome vintage exploitation cannibal films like Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, and Eaten Alive! to name a few of the many brilliant cannibal movies out there.
But gorging on the flesh of fellow humans doesn’t just happen in splatter films. There are many instances of real life cannibalism happening recently and throughout history. Here are some of the most fucked up, bizarre, and notorious cases of real cannibalism. Hope you’re hungry!
I) In 1846, the Donner Party set out on a pioneering trip which trapped them in a brutal snow storm. 36 people died and the surviving group were forced to eat the dead to stay alive. Crispin Glover was recently in a terrible film reennacting this famous incident but it has Crispin in it so it’s still awesome.
Members would dress in leopard skins, waylaying travelers with sharp claw-like weapons in the form of leopards’ claws and teeth. The victims’ flesh would be cut from their bodies and distributed to members of the society. In theory, the ritual cannibalism would strengthen both members of the society as well as their entire tribe.”
III) Japanese cannibal, Issei Sagawa, who murdered and ate his university classmate, and got away with it, is one of the most notorious. This VICE documentary which interviews Sagawa is an internet classic:
IV) Serial killer, Albert Fish, brutally tortured, murdered and ate children in the early 1900’s. He boasted that he “had a child in every state” but police could only link him to 3-10 murders. Hannibal Lector’s character was inspired by Fish. Fish died by the electric chair, but not before revealing chilling insight into his level of sadism.
V) By far the most savage instance of modern cannibalism happened in Miami, Florida, when a man chewed off the face of a homeless man named Ronald Poppo. Bath salts were instantly blamed as the cause since news about the zombie drug was rampant during the time of the incident but only cannabis was found in the “cannibal’s” system. Poppo survived the attack and is now learning guitar and has refused reconstructive surgery. He is said to be positive and in good spirits despite what he’s been through.
VI) In one of the most bizarre acts of group cannibalism, Mao Sugiyama had his genitals surgically removed then served them at a dinner party of 70 guests who knew what the “main course” was going to be. His genitals were chopped up and served with parsley and button mushrooms but wasn’t enough to feed everyone. Most people only got to eat crocodile.
VII) The word “cannibal” comes from the Spanish word “Caníbales” which refers to the Carib Tribe in the West Indies who were said to practice cannibalism. This ended up being a Spanish colonial myth meant as an excuse to murder and enslave indigenous people. Indigenous cannibal tribes have been a big part of the cannibal mythology and cannibal tribes have existed and perhaps still do, but much of it is just misconception, rumors and racism.
VIII) The Korowai of New Guinea may be the only surviving cannibal tribe. A reporter recently visited the tribe and says “they still eat their fellow tribesmen.”
IX) A chef by the name of David Viens, slow cooked his wife in boiling water after having an argument with her. He initially confessed to the crime but the redacted it, saying he was hallucinating. The judge didn’t buy it and Viens received 15 years to life in prison.
X) Andrei Chikatilo murdered up to 56 people beginning in the late 70’s. Certainly one of the most sadistic serial killers in history with a high murder rate, Chikatilo, on top of eating some of his victims, was also a necrophiliac who loved to eviscerate his victims.
XI) On Friday the 13th, October 1972, a chartered flight carrying a Uruguayan rugby team and their family, crashed in the Andes. The Andes Plane Crash Survivors, stranded in freezing temperatures for 72 days, ended up having to eat the dead to stay alive. 16 out of 72 people survived.
XII) “Eat the rich” has become a popular phrase since our economy ate shit but there was actually a group that did just that. The Chijon family were a Korean gang who targeted rich people. They were convicted of killing 5 people and one of the members admitted to eating at least one of the victims.
XIII) I can’t make a cannibalism post without mentioning Jeffrey Dahmer. This totally “normal” looking, guy-next-door, was convicted of murdering 17 men and children. His fetishes included necrophilia, exhibitionism, hebephilia, fetishism, pygmalionism, and erotophonophilia. He also tried to make some of his victims into sex-slave zombies by drilling holes into their head and filling it with various liquids. It didn’t work of course. This interview with Dahmer is one of the best interviews with a serial killer. Dahmer is very articulate and self-aware of everything he did and how society views him. Incredible insight into the mind of a cannibal killer.
Now time to eat some food…
By Sam Reeve
In keeping with the holiday spirit, this month’s artwork will be horror/Halloween themed. Today’s artist, Joshua Hoffine, is a photographer who puts an enormous amount of effort into each shot. With elaborate props, costumes and makeup, his pictures look more like stills from a horror film. He states that he’s “interested in the psychology of fear”, and is driven to explore that through imagery.
Fun fact: the children you see in his photos are usually his own.
Visit his blog here to see behind the scenes of his photo shoots.
By Sam Reeve
My rating: 6.5/10
As the title may suggest, Juan of the Dead is Cuba’s answer to Shaun of the Dead. But other than being a zombie horror-comedy featuring a slacker duo (one of whom wields an oar, reminiscent of Shaun’s cricket paddle), Juan is entirely its own film. With plenty of zombie action, funny characters and a dash of politics, this is one movie you don’t want to miss.
Set in modern-day Havana, zombies start cropping up at about the 2-minute mark. The Cuban government claims them to be “dissidents” sent by the Americans to undermine the country.
Juan, the deadbeat dad hero of our story, is joined by his overweight roommate, Lazaro, and his son, as well as his own teenage daughter. With their apartment building’s roof as headquarters, they set up their own business as zombie killers who will rid you of your turned loved ones or neighbours.
The film has some slow parts, and the ending is surprisingly depressing unless you keep watching the credits, but it’s otherwise hilarious and entertaining. The makeup is quite good, and besides some cheesy-looking digital effects Juan of the Dead is a high-quality film with a great cast.
Below you’ll find the trailer, and you can watch the full movie online with English subtitles here.