Bizarro Breaking News: Toxic Marshmallow-like Ooze Seeping Out of Ground in Chinese City
posted by Tracy Vanity
via Gawker
Last Saturday some smelly, gooey, white shit began seeping out of the ground in Nanjing, China, tripping the fuck out of everyone, especially the people living in Nanjing who ended up being evacuated from the surrounding area for a bit. People still have no idea wtf that was but the Chinese Propaganda Ministry released a statement saying that is was just a harmless substance used to “soften the soil” that just “accidentally leaked” but don’t worry it’s really harmless…really.
Thankfully, the ooze eventually seeped back into the ground and the people of Nanjing will have some really soft soil and I’m sure very non-toxic food, air, and water….
Breaking Bizarro News: Cookie Monster Attacks a 2-year old over $2
posted by Tracy Vanity
A costumed creep dressed as Cookie Monster was arrested Sunday after he shoved a 2-year-old boy during a crazed confrontation with the tot’s mom in Times Square, cops said.
Osvaldo Quiroz-Lopez posed for a photo with the child about 3:20 p.m. and then demanded the mother cough up $2, police said.
The mother refused, causing Quiroz-Lopez, 33, to behave monstrously, cops said. Police charged him with assault and endangering the welfare of a child.
via NY Daily News
As a rule of thumb, I wouldn’t fuck with muppet meth addicts. The mom should have just paid the $2. Bitch needs cookies!
Twisted Tuesdays: Bizarre Deaths
by Tracy Vanity
Sometimes the only thing more random than life is death, especially the way these people went:
Bizarre deaths happen more often than you may have realized. Here’s some of the strangest ways people have bitten the dust:
(list originally compiled by Jackol, R.I.P my friend)
-San Francisco football fan, George North, was celebrating a victory by riding a trash bin down a stadium ramp when the bin flipped over a cement wall and North fell 42 feet to his death.
-During an argument at a Maryland truck stop, Fred Warren stuck a hunting knife into a tire. The air escaping from the puncture blew the knife back into his own throat and killed him
-Dennis R. Widdison of Newark, England committed suicide in 1987 by pounding 5-inch nails into his own skull with a hammer.
-Bobby Willis, a barber in Denver, was shot to death by a customer who didn’t like his haircut.
-Charles Rogers reached to help a grave digger when the grave began caving in. Rogers fell in, followed by the headstones, which crushed him dead. It was originally his brothers grave.
-Father of two drowns while kayaking after being attacked by a SWAN.
In 1952, John Reid suffocated in a vat of barley in the San Francisco brewery where he worked.
-A teenage hairdressing student died after eating large quantities of her own hair.
-English do-it-yourselfer William Hall committed suicide in 1971 by drilling 8 holes into his own head.
-Two U.S. presidents – Thomas Jefferson and James K. Polk – have died from diarrhea.
-In 1978, Terry Kath, of the band “Chicago” tried to prove a gun wasn’t loaded by pointing it at his head and pulling the trigger.
-An Oregon pig farmer was eaten by pigs.
This one is by far my favorite and the most bizarre death:
“Some may never live, but the crazy never die.” - Hunter S. Thompson
Mahalo
Twisted Tuesdays: Science & Human Genetic Mutations
by Tracy Vanity
The technology that we’ve all been waiting for is finally here! Sorry, I don’t mean flying cars, but this is just as cool because it has to do with how you will be able to alter your own meatshell. Bionic eyes are about to hit the market, there are already some incredible bionic hands for sale, British roboticists have created a $1 million bionic man, and this moth can drive a robot using scent to find a mate. The possibilities of all this technology are indeed limitless.
But there are some humans who already have cool mutations without the need of surgery or roboticists:
“Nong Yousui, from Dahua has eyes which, it is claimed, reflect neon green when when a light is shined on them.
Nong who enjoys playing outside with his schoolmates but struggles with in bright sunlight, claims he can see perfectly clearly even in complete darkness.”
Here is a family with Unertan syndrome which has them walking on all fours:
This man from India is immune to being electrocuted.
Wim Hof, aka “The Iceman” can withstand freezing temperatures that would kill a regular human.
The oldest person alive is 115 years young. The oldest person to ever live was Jeanne Calment who lived to be 122.
Ben Underwood uses echolocation to get around without having eyes!
“AJ” the woman who cannot forget anything.
Daniel Tammet is a savant who can surpass a computer in calculations and knows 10 languages. He can learn a new language in a week.
And then there is Sarah Carmen who can have 200 orgasms a day. That actually sounds painful…
What cool mutation would you like to have? I would love to have a bionic body and computer memory so I can speak over 100 languages & kick ass at all martial arts while looking like one of those hot cylon women from Battlestar Galactica…as long as I could still die. Living forever scares me…
Breaking Bizarro News: Oompa-Loompa Attack in Norwich!
by Tracy Vanity
(awesome photo courtesy of The Art of Bleeding)
Police seeking two oompa-loompas over Norwich assault
Two men dressed as Oompa-Loompas – characters from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory – are being sought by police in Norwich after an attack in the heart of the city.
The victim, a 28-year-old man, was left with cuts, bruises and two black eyes, after being set upon outside a kebab house in the early hours of Thursday morning.
He was assaulted by four people – the two oompa-loompas, a man in conventional attire and a dark-haired woman wearing a dress split along the side.
According to the police he was knocked to the ground by one of the men and hit several times on the had.
A description issued by Norfolk Constabulary described the attackers were wearing hooded tops. They also had dyed green hair and painted orange faces, a force spokesman said.
“Perhaps they were taking part in a Christmas event. They may have been at a fancy dress party.
Via The Telegraph
Oompa-Loompas fucking bitches up! Watch out, shit’s getting serious in 2013! I tried to get a hold of Willy Wonka but he couldn’t be reached for comment.
Twisted Tuesdays: Zombies in Nature
by Tracy Vanity
Zombie insects are nothing new but scientists keep discovering new organisms that burrow into some species’ brain, makes them do crazy shit, and kills them off in some Kafkaesque/Day of the Dead/Aliens way that makes you go “wow nature is a real sadistic cunt!”
Example -
Cordyceps fuck up some ants:
Sir David Attenborough is the shit. He should be the only one allowed to narrate everything in life. EVERYTHING! I love that man. I’ve seen that video dozens of times and still shiver in disgusted amazement. Imagine being an ant, chilling, looking for food for your colony, and then your friends frantically tell you to get away from them, and then some fucking fungus breaks through your entire body and kills you? That would be pretty fucked up wouldn’t it?
Cordyceps don’t just zombie invade ants though, here is what they do to unsuspecting tarantulas:
I just read this article about a European gypsy moth caterpillar virus that makes a caterpillar climb to the tallest part of a tree where “their diseased bodies split open, raining infected caterpillar guts onto the leaves and branches below.”
By doing this, the caterpillar guts have a higher chance of raining down on other caterpillars and infecting them and then they go and climb and explode their guts onto their pals until the whole tree becomes a zombie caterpillar apocalypse. This National Geographic article has more details on that particular strain of zombie insect infection.
I tried to find video of that but could only find pics of the aftermath:
It’s not just killer fungi that insects need to watch out for, here are some jewel wasps turning roaches into their zombie bitches:
They can also do it to spiders:
Still not creeped out enough? Live Science has a gallery of zombified ant species, Scientific American has a whole slide show of zombie animals, and here is an article on zomBEES.
Enjoy, sleep tight! Be glad you aren’t an arthropod. Humans have nothing to worry about…right?
Meanwhile in Japan….
posted by Tracy Vanity
“A Japanese inventor created a giant, Mech-like robot controlled from within. The machine, called Kuratas, stands thirteen feet tall and is capable of speeds of up to six miles per hour.”
Reason #495969 why I need to visit Japan!
We interrupt the Halloween countdown to bring you breaking news….
by Tracy Vanity
I could just add this to a creepypasta post but ZOMBIES…
A retiree was filmed gnawing at a young man’s arm in a fight for a train seat in a subway in Guangzhou, Guangzhou Province yesterday morning.
The 67-year-old man surnamed Chen scuffled with a 28-year-old teacher surnamed Wu around 8:30am over a seat, and Chen was seen biting Wu’s arm for nearly 30 seconds, leaving blood stains on their faces and arms, an online video showed.
In the 46-second footage, Wu huddled up in the seat to protect his head and dodge the old man’s violent attack. No passenger in the car stepped forward to separate them. They just stood around to film the brawl.
The two men were taken away by police after the train stopped at the next station. Their injuries were not serious and both agreed to pay their own medical costs, the Southern Metropolis Daily reported today.
They expressed regret at the police station and were not detained.
Evil thoughts….
by Tracy Vanity
My friend from The Art of Bleeding, made a music video about Ronald William Brown, the cannibal, pedophile, Christian puppeteer. Enjoy!
Boost the Economy with a Zombie Apocalypse!
by Tracy Vanity
Why has no one thought of this already? Businessman Mark Siwak, wants to turn a huge area of abandoned buildings in Detroit into a zombie apocalypse theme park called Z World.
So what exactly is Z World? According to their fundraising website:
Z World Detroit will be a unique and spectacular zombie themed experience park that will transform a virtually neglected section of Detroit, Michigan. Participants will be chased by a growing zombie horde through abandoned factories, stores and homes across hundreds of derelict urban acres.
The city of Detroit is considering literally abandoning sections of the city. While the economic and social benefits of this action can be debated. We think the situation demands more creativity.
The Z World Detroit initiative is a radical rethinking of urban redevelopment and Detroit’s well-documented blight and de-population. It turns perceived liabilities into assets that will bring a renewed vitality to a struggling neighborhood. When done right, Z World Detroit would be transformative for part of the city, it would create jobs for Detroiters and become a legitimate destination.
While zombies are great, the real neat thing about this project is the potential to inject some life into a forgotten neighborhood – with the opportunity to work with neighborhood groups and organization. In short, Z World Detroit would become part of the neighborhood, the center of the neighborhood, rather than something sitting outside the neighborhood.
Here’s the official Z World promo video:
Need a job? Become a zombie in your local neighborhood zombie apocalypse theme park. There would also be a need for makeup artists and costume designers, not to mention vendors disguised as seasoned zombie apocalypse veterans who happen to save you from getting your arm ripped off in the nick of time and take you to their hidden bunker filled with burritos and ammunition.
Entire zombie apocalypse-themed communities could spurt all over our fine nation and the amount of zombie videos on youtube would be epic. Who the fuck WOULDN’T find this awesome? This has to happen. With huge unemployment rates and increased media interest in how much people have been eating each other lately, the U.S. is in dire need of a zombie apocalypse theme park. Several in fact!
There is already a mini zombie invasion happening in San Diego’s Petco Park to promote The Walking Dead. Tickets are sold out. Genius!
Comprehensive List of Zombie Apocalypse News
by Tracy Vanity
Want to make sure you’re caught up on the latest cannibalism/chemical exposure stories to keep track of the zombie outbreak? Well this post is just for you! Here is a list of all the recent news regarding zombie-like activity. Let me know if I’ve missed any headlines.
(List courtesy of unseelie)
5/16: McArthur High School HazMat Situation
Students, Teachers Decontaminated After Breaking Out In Rash
5/19: No confirmation on chemical at Fort Lauderdale International Airport
5/21: Police: Man bites woman in Westchester
5/23: Man Bites Cousin’s Nose Off
5/24: Second Broward school reports mystery rash
5/25: Hazmat Called After Kids Exposed To Pesticide On Bus: Hazmat, EMS Respond To Lake County, FL School
5/25: ‘Disoriented’ passenger subdued on flight in Miami
5/25: Mom Gouges 5 year old Son’s Eyes Out
5/26: Naked Man Allegedly Eating Victim’s Face Shot And Killed By Miami Police
5/26: Florida Doctor Spits Blood at Highway Patrolmen After DUI Arrest
5/29: Man Stabs Himself and Throws Intestines & Skin At Officers
5/30 : ‘Husband cut off wife’s lips and ate them’
5/31 : Woman Kills her Baby, Eats Part of Her Brain
6/1 : Baltimore Man Murders Roommate, Eats Heart & Brain
6/6 : international manhunt for Canadian Psycho who ‘chopped up and ate’ gay lover comes to an end
Dr. Seuss Does Sexy
“I attempted to draw the sexiest babes I could, but they came out looking absurd.” – Dr. Seuss
Before Dr. Seuss became the unanimously beloved author of such classics as The Lorax and How the Grinch Stole Christmas, he wrote and illustrated a picture book for adults. It was called The Seven Lady Godivas, and it flopped miserably. While the art exhibits all of the charm found in other early Seuss works, such as The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins, there’s something strange, even unsettling, about seeing naked women depicted in his style. Notice that none of them have nipples.
You can see more images from The Seven Lady Godivas here.
-Cameron Pierce
The Obese Comes True!
SF Gate has reported that a naked woman attacked a car last Tuesday. Click here to see the full damage. You can read the full report here.
In other Obese news, Largehearted Boy has posted Nick Antosca’s playlist for the book. It includes songs by The Kinks, Regina Spektor, and Bikini Kill, among others. It’s a great soundtrack for a great book.
Sneak Peek: Alan M. Clark’s Pencil Study for Of Thimble and Threat-inspired Painting
The image on the left is Alan M. Clark’s sketch and contrast study, produced with black and white pencil on brown paper, for the painting he will later produce for the raffle [details below]. The image is inspired by Of Thimble and Threat: The Life of a Ripper Victim, published by Lazy Fascist Press. In a final message about the raffle, just before the drawing, we will post the image of the painting.
For those of you who missed the initial announcement, here’s how to enter the raffle:
A. Take a picture of yourself with Of Thimble and Threat: The Life of a Ripper Victim and post it online (on your blog/website, Facebook, Twitter, or elsewhere). Send a link to the photo to lazyfascist@gmail.com.
OR
B. Correctly answer the following trivia questions (send your answers to lazyfascist@gmail.com):
1. What song did Katie sing in the novel during her cousin’s execution?
2. What was given to infants by the childminder, Patricia Ennis, in order to quiet them?
3. What item in the novel is referred to by the slang expression “nose warmer”?
No purchase necessary. If you have any questions about the raffle, please email lazyfascist@gmail.com. The winner will be announced on June 4th, 2012.
Of Thimble and Threat: The Life of a Ripper Victim is a story about the intense love between a mother and a child, a story of poverty and loss, fierce independence, and unconquerable will. It is the devastating portrayal of a self-perpetuated descent into Hell, a lucid view into the darkest parts of the human heart.
Alan M. Clark is a World Fantasy Award-winning artist. He has illustrated the works of Stephen King, Ray Bradbury, Jack Ketchum, Joe R. Lansdale, Richard Laymon, Brian Lumley, F. Paul Wilson, Brian Keene, William F. Nolan, George Orwell, Poppy Z. Brite, and Christopher Golden.
Vermin Supreme for President
by Tracy Vanity
Anyone can run for President, as long as you were born here, you’ve lived in the country for 14 years, and you’re at least 35 years old.
Anyone.
Even Vermin Supreme.
You may not know this, but Republicans aren’t the only ones campaigning for President in New Hampshire this week. Democrats are, too, more than a half dozen of them, including a guy who wears a rubber boot on his head.
That guy is Vermin Supreme, described as a “satirist”, “anarchist”, and/or “performance artist”. He’s like Pat Paulsen with a big dose of Timothy Leary. This is Supreme’s third time in the New Hampshire primary, his second as a Democrat. At a recent forum for lesser known candidates, he began by saying, “Gingivitis has been eroding the gum line of this great nation long enough.”
Supreme hopes to fight our “moral and oral decay” by promising a free pony to every American if elected. “It will create lots and lots of jobs once we switch over to a pony based economy.” He also wants to harness “the awesome power of zombies for energy sources” by dangling brains in front of zombies to lure them into turning turbines. That could certainly solve Atlanta’s problems! (A little “Walking Dead” humor there.)
The candidate calls himself a “friendly fascist”, and he’s been popping up at campaign stops for Republicans like Ron Paul, where Supreme reportedly challenged the Texas Congressman to take on President Obama in a “panty-wrestling match to decide it all.” He was seen outside a Gingrich event, chanting, “Newt. Newt. Newt. Surrender.”
Then there’s what he’s done to fellow Democrats.
Vermin Supreme ended his appearance at the previously mentioned candidates forum by sprinkling pixie dust on Democratic presidential candidate Randall Terry, the pro-lifer known for blocking entrances to abortion clinics. Supreme showered Terry with dust and shouted, “He’s turning gay!” Rick Santorum, consider yourself warned. Oh wait, I see you two have already met. Supreme crashed a Santorum town hall a few days ago, entertaining the crowd until he was escorted out (about 4:40 into this video). He later reappears outside as Santorum arrives, baiting him in a Vader-like voice over the bullhorn, “Rick. Rick Santorum…I love you.”
Wowza! This year’s campaign is crazy! I can’t believe how…insane, and…um…wait…
Did he say I get a pony?
Now Available: Amazing Stories of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, edited by Cameron Pierce
On the seventh day, the Flying Spaghetti Monster said, “Read me, for I am good.”
In Amazing Stories, the Flying Spaghetti Monster goes on trial to earn his godhood among a council of deities that includes Jehovah, the Buddha, Ganesh, Cthulhu, and Charlie Sheen. He is interviewed for an exclusive episode of the celebrity talk show In the Monster’s Studio to discuss his relationship with Godzilla and other famous monsters. He rears his head at an archeological dig in a desert wasteland and dines with a horde of food demons in Hell. He rescues pirates, authors, and prisoners from the cold hand of death while banishing children to suffering and starvation. He is a just god, but only if you compliment his vodka sauce.
Like an all-spaghetti evening of Adult Swim, Amazing Stories of the Flying Spaghetti Monster will show you the many realms of His Noodly Appendage. Learn of those who worship him and the lives he touches in distant, mysterious ways.
Enjoy with Italian food and a side of Darwinism.
Featuring stories by John Skipp, Stephen Graham Jones, Kate Bernheimer, S.G. Browne, Mykle Hansen, Cody Goodfellow, Kevin L. Donihe, Bradley Sands, Kelli Owen, Jeffrey Thomas, Andersen Prunty, Bruce Taylor, David W. Barbee, Marc Levinthal, J. David Osborne, Poncho Peligroso, Kirk Jones, Steve Lowe, Kirsten Alene, Jess Gulbranson, Len Kuntz, Edmund Colell, and Adam Bolivar. Also featuring an illustration by Gwar lead singer Dave Brockie.
Click here to order Amazing Stories of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Published by Eraserhead Press.
HEAVY METAL SAVES THE DAY: Ozzy Osbourne lures autistic boy home
-Cameron Pierce
