Unfortunately, the story about Gordon Ramsay’s midget porn star double being eaten by badgers was an old hoax but damn that was one hell of a headline!
It’s been awhile since I’ve updated you on the weird shit happening around the world so here’s the latest Bizarro news!
- “Swiss Cheese Pervert arrested in Philly. I guess he couldn’t find another cheese enthusiast.
- Opera singer out of a job for farting too much. She’s suing.
- German farting cows cause explosion at a farm.
- Couple advertises their home as “slightly haunted” in order to gain more interested buyers but just attracts ghost hunters instead.
- Vice interviews a man who will turn your corpse into a diamond.
- Man crashes SUV into Connecticut gas station, steals banana, eats it, and leaves.
- Mysterious jelly doughnut rock found on Mars.
- “Man fights off shark, stitches up wounds and has a beer before finally going to hospital” priorities…
- Weird, glass, shrimp-like, fish found in New Zealand.
- “Boyfriend assaults girlfriend with steak sauce over ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’”
- Haggis causes bomb scare at Burmingham airport. That stuff does look pretty frightening.
- Havoc-wreaking goblin found in suitcase and scares the shit out of cops in Zimbabwe. It could be the Tokoloshe!
- Oklahoma man kills stepfather with “atomic wedgie”
- Man chokes girlfriend with his dreadlocks.
- Comprehensive lists of random shit people stuck up their asses and other orifices last year. ”Lit bottle rocket, it didn’t go well” & “toy submarine” were my personal favorites on the list.
- Hitler’s toilet is in New Jersey.
- Florida man tries to rob a bank with his underwear on his head.
- Florida Man Fights Cops While Also Trying to Perform Exorcism on Son After Meth Makes Him “Abnormally Strong”
- Oregon man fights off 15 cops while masturbating. Yes he was on meth.
- Thai “Snake Girl” attracts tourists and online paranormal fans. She is real dammit! Just look at this photographic evidence:
Until next time Bizarros!
As I mentioned in a post about Krampus, kids need something to scare the shit out of them to not only get them to not be shitheads, but also because scaring the shit out of kids with stories of supernatural creatures that will get them for misbehaving is a fun tradition we should continue to uphold. It’s healthy for them.
In South Africa, there is a boogeyman/demon-like creature which varies in appearance. Some people say it is like a small hairy human, some say more like a dog, others say it’s a shape-changing vampire spirit…it seems to depend on what their grandmother told them. One thing is for sure, if a kid is being a real pain in the ass in South Africa, then the Tokoloshe will be sure to take their ass away unless they listen to their elders.
But the Tokoloshe doesn’t just terrorize children, it can cause a lot of evil and mischief for adults as well. There are reports of horny Tokoloshe that force themselves on victims, Tokoloshe that steal, and even ones that murder.
I first heard about the Tokoloshe in Die Antwoord’s “Evil Boy” music video. There is a dancing Tokoloshe with a huge dangling cock.
Ninja and Yo-landi made a video with VICE, asking people in their neighborhood about what the Tokoloshe is. They even speak to a witch doctor and a journalist from The Daily Sun to learn more about this mysterious, mischievous monster. The story Ninja tells about his nanny putting bricks under her bed because of the Tokoloshe is creepy.
Africarve made this cool Tokoloshe puppet in case you want to sic them on any brats:
Plastic surgery dates back to Ancient Egypt where the dead were given enhanced cheekbones and noses, or in the case of King Tut, glorious boners that have lasted through the ages that are still mystifying the people of today. But it wasn’t until WWI & WWII, when doctors were working to treat soldiers mangled during battle, that plastic surgery truly took off.
The medical innovations during that time had a great impact on the current surgical technology used today. And of course the pictures of the soldiers who had their faces reconstructed in the early 1900′s are incredible given the severity of their injuries and the medical capabilities of that time period. Even by today’s standards where total facial reconstruction is still being improved upon, the end results of facial reconstructive surgeries back then are remarkable.
“Records of the pioneering plastic surgery performed by Dr Harold Gillies on WWI soldiers William M. Spreckley, a Lieutenant from the Sherwood Foresters Service in the British contingent, 16th battalion. He was Gillies’ 132nd patient and was admitted to the hospital in January 1917 at the age of 33 with a ‘gunshot wound nose’. He was discharged three and a half years later in October 1920″
via The Telegraph
Four photographs documenting the facial reconstruction of a solider who’s cheek was extensively wounded during the Battle of the Somme (July 1916). Taken from ‘Plastic surgery of the face : based on selected cases of war injuries of the face including burns’ (1920) by H D Gillies ; with chapter on the prosthetic problems of plastic surgery by Capt. W Kelsey Fry; and remarks on anaesthesia by Capt. R Wade.
Walter Yeo, a sailor injured at the Battle of Jutland, is assumed to be the first person to receive plastic surgery in 1917. The photograph shows him before (left) and after (right) receiving a flap surgery performed by Gillies.
Lieutenant Norman Eric Wallace
Extreme reconstructive surgery. Name of patient unknown.
If you’ve watched Boardwalk Empire, you will be familiar with Richard Harrow, a WWI veteran with half his face missing. He wears a facial prosthetic and is a sharpshooting badass.
His character was inspired by real World War I soldiers who had artists recreate missing parts of their face.
The “Tin Nose Shop” in London where realistic masks were created to help wounded soldiers. Smithsonian Magazine has an excellent article about this called “Faces of War.”
There is also footage of this “shop,” the film is originally silent but someone added some music that you might wish to replace or mute depending on your personal taste in such things…
- Man sleeps for 10 hours without realizing there was a knife lodged in his back.
- Woman ends up glued to a Home Depot toilet seat, wants answers.
- Drunk Florida Man Tries to Use Taco as ID After His Car Catches Fire at Taco Bell
- Incredible prank, drunk driver is lead to believe he has been in a coma for 10 years.
- Australian woman knits with her vagina.
- Man commits suicide when girlfriend refuses to stop shopping.
- You know that phrase “I’ll sell my left nut to have ____?” well this guy actually sold his left nut for $35,000 to buy a sports car.
- Ghost hunters held at gunpoint after being mistaken for burglars.
- Man gets toilet roll holder stuck up his ass and has to call Rescue Service.
- Massachusetts mall Santa Claus accused of groping elf
- Los Angeles zombie police scare people straight.
- French guy doesn’t get his deposit back so he destroys his apartment with a sledgehammer.
- Dead baby wakes up in a funeral home.
- Woman had a partially dead black ear after being bitten by a brown recluse.
- Mexican teen’s genitals rot after injecting Krokodil. JFC WHY?!
- Norfolk is experiencing a creepy clown epidemic. People dressed as crowns are chasing people and scaring the shit out of them. Police have warned the public to not approach the clowns.
- WTF IS that?
It’s sort of monsoon season in Thailand right now…it’s not supposed to be monsoon season but the weather has been off. It’s super hot and sunny during the day and then thunder and heavy storms during the night. It hasn’t rained animals yet though…that I know of. I’ll ask a Thai person, they tend to know things I don’t…
Reports of animal rain have popped up all over the world and most of the reports (according to my hour of google researching) are in fact real. In Yoro, Honduras, it rains fish every year so they have a fish rain festival to celebrate. In Beebe, Arkansas, 3,000 blackbirds mysteriously fell from the sky on New Year’s Eve. In Oakville, Washington, it rained jellyfish, TWICE! In Japan, raining tadpoles is commonplace. There is a scientific explanation of course but that still doesn’t prevent people’s imaginations from running rampant when worms fall from the sky.
In India, there are reports of blood rain and this guy thinks it’s because of aliens:
Now I want to watch that episode of the X-Files.
6 days until Halloween!
It’s now the home stretch Bizarros! Halloween is just around the corner. Time fucking flies!
The point of a Chaos Countdown is for things to be completely random. But I have not made it random enough for my liking. There just isn’t enough CHAOS. This countdown feels like it’s missing something. It needs something more like this:
Perhaps come Halloween, I’ll get the right chaotic Halloween combo to finally summon Cthulhu or at least an army of zombies. In the meantime, I haven’t done a Bizarro News Roundup in awhile so here’s the latest Bizarro news, spooky edition muhahaha!!!
A woman who arrived at China’s Changsha Central Hospital with an itchy ear received the worst diagnosis imaginable: A small spider had apparently crawled into her ear canal while she slept, and had been dwelling inside her for the past five days.”
My ear is feeling itchy…
- 3-Months-Old Indian Baby Rahul Suffers from Horrifying Burns for Rare Spontaneous Combustion Condition
- (Reuters) – A mystery man dressed as Batman demonstrated the same crime-fighting skills as the caped crusader when he handed over a suspect wanted for burglary in Britain.
- Yeti mystery has finally been solved…or has it?
- Grieving relatives find a stranger in the casket.
- “Zombie drug” that has been impacting Russia for a few years is now spreading all over the U.S. Much worse than bath salts, krokodil is a super cheap drug made from codeine, paint thinner, and some other random chemical shit that you really do not want to put into your body. The high has been compared to heroin and at $8 a hit, it can seem tempting but the side-effects of rotting skin spreading all over your body is totally not worth it! Check out this graphic video of doctors treating severe cases of krokodil use in Russia. Probably best not to eat anything meaty-looking while watching or do for that extra bit of spooky nausea. VICE also has a good documentary about it.
There is also this random low-budget movie I found on youtube, with a lot of naked chicks called Bath Salt Zombies!
- Speaking of zombies, hold on to your hats, you might be eligible for a real zombie apocalypse scholarship!
- Talk about total Halloween buzz-kill, this British guy has been ordered to remove his Halloween decorations for being too awesome!
- In happier Halloween news, these dudes made a flying grim reaper and scared the shit out of people with it. I love a good spooky prank and can’t resist a great gif!
- Have you read about the only known pair of real necropants housed in the Museum of Icelandic Sorcery & Witchcraft yet? If not, where the fuck have you been? It’s probably the best spooky Bizarro news EVER! Just look at the pants!
So how does one acquire a pair of these awesome serial killer-like duds? Well it’s really easy. All you need to do is…
“get permission from a living man to use his skin after his death.
After he has been buried you must dig up his body and flay the skin of the corpse in one piece from the waist down. As soon as you step into the pants they will stick to your own skin.
A coin must be stolen from a poor widow and placed in the scrotum along with the magical sign, nábrókarstafur, written on a piece of paper. Consequently the coin will draw money into the scrotum so it will never be empty, as long as the original coin is not removed.
To ensure salvation the owner has to convince someone else to overtake the pants and step into each leg as soon as he gets out of it. The necropants will thus keep the money-gathering nature for generations.”
PS – I will never get tired of typing necropants. NEVER!
Until next time Bizarros!
17 days until Halloween!
Time for a bit of weird history and the sad tale of a stinky vampire by the name of Cuntius…
Via Alpha History
In 1582 residents in a village in Silesia complained of visitations from a bad-breathed vampire named Cuntius. Before joining the ranks of the undead, Johannes Cuntius had been a respected citizen and aldermen in Pentsch. In February 1582 Cuntius was fatally injured after being kicked by one of his “lusty geldings”. Before expiring Cuntius lingered for several days, complaining of ghostly visions and feeling like he was on fire. According to one witness, at the moment of his death a black cat entered the room and jumped onto his bed. As befitted his civic status, Cuntius was entombed near the altar of his local church. But within a few days several townspeople reported receiving visits from the dead man. All described a “most grievous stink” and “an exceedingly cold breath of so intolerable stinking and malignant a scent as is beyond all imagination and expression”. A whole litany of annoyances and harassments was attributed to the vampire, including accusations of:
“…Galloping up and down like a wanton horse in the court of his house… Miserably tugging all night with a Jew [and] tossing him up and down in his lodgings… dreadfully accosting a wagoner, an old acquaintance of his, while he was busy in the stable [and] biting him so cruelly in the foot that he made him lame… [Entering a] master’s chamber, making a noise like a hog that eats grains, smacking and grunting very sonorously…”
The people of Pentsch tolerated these nocturnal visits until late July, when they resolved to exhume Cuntius’ coffin and deal with his wandering corpse. They found that his:
“…skin was tender and florid, his joints not at all stiff but limber and moveable… a staff being put into his hand, he grasped with his fingers… they opened a vein in his leg and the blood sprang out fresh as in the living.”
After a brief judicial hearing Cuntius’ body was thrown onto a bonfire and burned, then hacked to pieces and crushed to ashes. As might be expected, the spirit of Cuntius ceased its nocturnal visits. By coincidence, the village of Pentsch became the town of Horni Benesov – the ancestral home of US Secretary of State John Kerry.
Source: Various inc. Henry More, An Antidote against Atheism (Book III), 1655.
I guess I should start actually counting.
21 days until Halloween!
To celebrate American Horror Story: Coven. I deemed it necessary to make an epic witch post.
The first episode of AMH was ok but rather anti-climactic. I have a feeling it won’t be as amazing as last season. It’s pretty hard to beat a vintage mental institution, freaks, and nuns, but Jessica Lange as “The Supreme” will make this show amazing just like her incredible acting stole the show the first two seasons. Add Angela Bassett and Cathy Bates into the mix and there is some room for some seriously flawless acting skills that will make you bow down.
There were many moments in this first episode that gave me happy goosebumps so that’s a good sign! Coven also does have an awesome intro.
Can’t wait for the next episode. The promos have certainly been stunning, let’s hope this season will live up to the hype:
The show takes place in New Orleans and of course mentions the Salem Witch Trials where women, mostly, were tortured and burned alive during a bought of deadly religious fanaticism during the late 1600′s.
Here’s a list of people executed for witchcraft.
There’s also reports of children being killed in the UK for being suspected of witchcraft. Witches are being persecuted to this day but at least in most parts of the world, people are allowed to practice magick without fear of being tortured and murdered.
Anyone can be accused as a witch. During the height of the witch trials, the methods used to “test” for witchcraft including dunking the person in water to either force a confession or kill them and also throwing them into the water. It was believed that a witch would survive being drowned by floating to the top.
Another, even more brutal method was the pressing, where the person was crushed underneath heavy stones until they were made to confess to being a witch. They also had their fingers crushed with iron crushing devices, stretched, poked with various devices, and basically victims to the sadistic whim of the crazy assholes who wanted to harm them.
Also if the accused had a strange birth mark, this was enough to prove they were a witch. The witch’s mark was believed to be where the devil would put his seal and own the person.
Authorities in the witch trials routinely stripped an accused witch of clothing and shaved all body hair so that no potential mark could be hidden. Pins were driven into scars, calluses and thickened areas of skin: the practice of “pricking a witch”. Customarily, this routine was performed in front of a large crowd. Medieval inquisitors also believed that the Devil left invisible marks upon his followers. If after stripping and shaving, the accused witch was found to have no likely blemishes, pins were simply driven into her body until an insensitive area was found.
I actually do have a witch’s mark, not just a mere mole, but an inch deep hole on my lower back that a needle can fit through without harming me. I would have totally been burned alive had I been born in the wrong country or century!
The best movie about the persecution of witches is Mark of the Devil. with the sexy Udo Kier. who plays a witchfinder who falls for a sexy woman accused as a witch. The promo for the film when it was released in 1970 was great. They rated it “V for violence” and gave out free sick bags to the theater audience.
Totally worth a watch. I love Udo Kier. It’s very gory but the torture in the film was actually what was done to people accused as witches.
I first became interested in cannibals by watching all those awesome vintage exploitation cannibal films like Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox, and Eaten Alive! to name a few of the many brilliant cannibal movies out there.
But gorging on the flesh of fellow humans doesn’t just happen in splatter films. There are many instances of real life cannibalism happening recently and throughout history. Here are some of the most fucked up, bizarre, and notorious cases of real cannibalism. Hope you’re hungry!
I) In 1846, the Donner Party set out on a pioneering trip which trapped them in a brutal snow storm. 36 people died and the surviving group were forced to eat the dead to stay alive. Crispin Glover was recently in a terrible film reennacting this famous incident but it has Crispin in it so it’s still awesome.
Members would dress in leopard skins, waylaying travelers with sharp claw-like weapons in the form of leopards’ claws and teeth. The victims’ flesh would be cut from their bodies and distributed to members of the society. In theory, the ritual cannibalism would strengthen both members of the society as well as their entire tribe.”
III) Japanese cannibal, Issei Sagawa, who murdered and ate his university classmate, and got away with it, is one of the most notorious. This VICE documentary which interviews Sagawa is an internet classic:
IV) Serial killer, Albert Fish, brutally tortured, murdered and ate children in the early 1900′s. He boasted that he “had a child in every state” but police could only link him to 3-10 murders. Hannibal Lector’s character was inspired by Fish. Fish died by the electric chair, but not before revealing chilling insight into his level of sadism.
V) By far the most savage instance of modern cannibalism happened in Miami, Florida, when a man chewed off the face of a homeless man named Ronald Poppo. Bath salts were instantly blamed as the cause since news about the zombie drug was rampant during the time of the incident but only cannabis was found in the “cannibal’s” system. Poppo survived the attack and is now learning guitar and has refused reconstructive surgery. He is said to be positive and in good spirits despite what he’s been through.
VI) In one of the most bizarre acts of group cannibalism, Mao Sugiyama had his genitals surgically removed then served them at a dinner party of 70 guests who knew what the “main course” was going to be. His genitals were chopped up and served with parsley and button mushrooms but wasn’t enough to feed everyone. Most people only got to eat crocodile.
VII) The word “cannibal” comes from the Spanish word “Caníbales” which refers to the Carib Tribe in the West Indies who were said to practice cannibalism. This ended up being a Spanish colonial myth meant as an excuse to murder and enslave indigenous people. Indigenous cannibal tribes have been a big part of the cannibal mythology and cannibal tribes have existed and perhaps still do, but much of it is just misconception, rumors and racism.
VIII) The Korowai of New Guinea may be the only surviving cannibal tribe. A reporter recently visited the tribe and says “they still eat their fellow tribesmen.”
IX) A chef by the name of David Viens, slow cooked his wife in boiling water after having an argument with her. He initially confessed to the crime but the redacted it, saying he was hallucinating. The judge didn’t buy it and Viens received 15 years to life in prison.
X) Andrei Chikatilo murdered up to 56 people beginning in the late 70′s. Certainly one of the most sadistic serial killers in history with a high murder rate, Chikatilo, on top of eating some of his victims, was also a necrophiliac who loved to eviscerate his victims.
XI) On Friday the 13th, October 1972, a chartered flight carrying a Uruguayan rugby team and their family, crashed in the Andes. The Andes Plane Crash Survivors, stranded in freezing temperatures for 72 days, ended up having to eat the dead to stay alive. 16 out of 72 people survived.
XII) “Eat the rich” has become a popular phrase since our economy ate shit but there was actually a group that did just that. The Chijon family were a Korean gang who targeted rich people. They were convicted of killing 5 people and one of the members admitted to eating at least one of the victims.
XIII) I can’t make a cannibalism post without mentioning Jeffrey Dahmer. This totally “normal” looking, guy-next-door, was convicted of murdering 17 men and children. His fetishes included necrophilia, exhibitionism, hebephilia, fetishism, pygmalionism, and erotophonophilia. He also tried to make some of his victims into sex-slave zombies by drilling holes into their head and filling it with various liquids. It didn’t work of course. This interview with Dahmer is one of the best interviews with a serial killer. Dahmer is very articulate and self-aware of everything he did and how society views him. Incredible insight into the mind of a cannibal killer.
Now time to eat some food…
Giant Japanese hornets may cause the apocalypse. 30 hornets can massacre 30,000 bees! And as you may know, we need bees in order to stay alive since they help pollinate 1/3 of the crops that we eat.
Due to global warming, the hornets are going on a bee killing spree and are now attacking humans. They have killed 41 people in China and injured 1,600 in the last few weeks!
As you can see from the video, the wounds from a Japanese hornet attack are brutal. Once they decide to attack, it gets worse if you try to escape:
“Here’s a chilling scene that Chen Changlin, an Ankang farmer, witnessed one evening a few days ago. As he harvested rice on evening, hornets swarmed a woman and child working nearby. When they reached Chen, they stung him for three minutes straight. Chen made it; the other two died. “The more you run, the more they want to chase you,” said another victim, whose kidneys were ravaged by the venom. When he was admitted to the hospital, his urine was the color of soy sauce.”
The honeybees have found a way to fight back. Due to their massive, 2 inch long, 3 inch wingspan size, the Japanese hornet overheats easily and can die if their temperature rises above 115 degrees whereas the honeybees can tolerate up to 118 degrees. So the honeybees swarm the hornet, vibrate to raise their temperature, and roast the hornet alive:
Hornets only attack humans when they feel that their hive is being threatened, but as temperatures rise around the world, Japanese hornets are breeding more successfully than ever before and more bee massacres and attacks on humans will continue.
- A Ukrainian couple were hit by a train while having sex on the train tracks. The woman was killed instantly and the man’s legs were torn off. In a statement to police he said “…my girlfriend and I could not overcome our passionate nature and wanted to feel a sense of thrill near a railway track,” Fair enough.
- A South Korean scientist was attacked by a cloned cow he created.
- Colombian man overdoses on Viagra and amputates his own penis.
- One of the most bizarre medical anomalies I’ve come across in a long time, a Tennessee woman begins growing nails in every hair follicle in her body. ::shudder::
- In other medical anomaly news, this 4-year-old Burmese girl has a rare medical condition which makes her look like an old woman.
- Doctors grow a nose on a Chinese man’s forehead after getting into a bad accident which destroyed his original nose.
- 32-year- old man who lost a leg in a motorcycle accident now has the first mind-controlled bionic leg. I want to lose my limbs now.
- You know I’m hitting the refresh button daily on the latest robot news. Robots are fucking awesome. This robot not only pours you drinks but can tell when you need another drink just by reading your body language! WANT!
- Woman stabs her roommate because he wouldn’t stop listening to the Eagles. She better not move to Thailand then because “Hotel California” is the unofficial national anthem here!
- Toothless UK man bites his neighbor’s penis for playing his Xbox too loud.
- New Jersey woman throws shit in the face of a parking officer. I think we all wish we could do that.
- A Utah woman ordered her husband to shoot their trailer park neighbor because she said he was “telepathically raping her” and “using crack cocaine to control her mind.”
- Fuck you Miley, Big Freedia, the queen of bounce, and 358 dancers set the Guinness world record for twerking. Go Freedia!
- Meanwhile in Russia, two men get into a fight over Kant’s philosophy while waiting in line to buy booze and one of the guys ends up shooting the other but he’s ok because the gun wasn’t lethal. But isn’t that the opposite of WWKD?
- In most awesome-job-in-the-world news, NASA is offering $18,000 for people to stay in bed for 70 days!
- Being nicknamed “The Real Life Mowgli,” a book has been released about a girl who grew up in the African jungle with her wildlife photographer parents. The book is called Tippi of Africa and the pics are beautiful.
- Worried About Gators, Florida Man Dives Through Car Window As Precaution; Later Admits Shooting Up “A Lot Of Cocaine.” via @_FloridaMan
- In the latest Northampton Clown news, the Northampton clown wishes for less hate and more love. I love you Northampton Clown! But that’s because I a coulrophiliac. Here is a great interview with the Northampton clown.
Until next time Bizarros!
Ready for another shitstorm of the latest Bizarro news gripping the world? Here you go:
- “A spooky clown has been scaring Northampton residents in full costume and make up.He is red haired and white faced and has appeared in several locations in the Abington and Kingsley areas.A Facebook page has now been set up for the clown called Spot Northampton’s Clown which has already achieved over 3,000 likes since it went live yesterday.The clown has proved a sensation on social media and has its own Twitter hashtag #northamptonclown.According to reports it has knocked on someone’s door and offered to paint their sills despite having no painting equipment.Let us know if you see it too”via Northhamton News
- “Hundreds of rare wild monkeys — some carrying herpes — are on the loose in Florida after a tour guide brought the spunky critters to the state long ago.Wildlife officials said that three pairs of Rhesus monkeys were transported to a park near Ocala in the 1930s by tour operator Colonel Tooey after a “Tarzan” flick sparked a fascination with the creature.But the breed has since boomed and more than 1,000 of the monkeys now live in the state, wildlife officials say.State officials have caught more than 700 of the monkeys in the past decade — most of which tested positive for the herpes-B virus.Wildlife officials now consider the monkeys a public health hazard.”
via New York Post
- Florida is some Bizarro vortex, crazy random shit happens every day there. This asshole beat up a child over an argument about hard-boiled eggs. David Belson slammed the girl’s head against the wall, harmed his wife who tried to save her, and is now thankfully in jail. Domestic disputes get pretty ugly in Florida. This guy dumped a cup of tea on his wife’s head.
- Florida isn’t the only place doing some harm with hot beverages. A 61-year-old woman in Japan killed her cheating husband with a cup of coffee!
- Meanwhile in Florida, again, a man is arrested and found with a crack pipe inside his stomach. Ouch!
- That’s nothing though, Anal Mishaps: US Woman Stuck $5000 Cash in Butt, Filipino Jobert Sucaldito Recovering from Cucumber in Rectum.
- A Colombian woman was caught trying to smuggle cocaine in a fake pregnant belly. This was a new one for Colombian police but obviously it didn’t work.
- An artist has created an “edible opera” using biotechnology which uses a cool facehugger-looking helmet that creates edible algae from carbon dioxide which feeds the algae. “The singer has trained herself specially for this project so that she can further enhance her lung capacity to produce the best quality algae possible. The slightest changes in pitch and frequency can apparently determine the algae’s color, texture and even whether it will be sweet or bitter.”
- The blobfish has officially been named the world’s ugliest animal. I totally disagree. They’re cute and endangered too. Poor blobfish!
- In beauty news, a guy named Herbert Chavez dropped £4,400 on 13 surgeries to make him look like Superman. He now looks like an android which is pretty cool.
- In involuntary body modification news, this asshole tattooed his name on his passed out girlfriend’s vagina.
- A Chinese woman was attacked by a snake that was kept for 3 months in a bottle of wine. Sweet revenge!
- Scientists discover that a species of frog can hear with his mouth using mouth cavities. Gardiner’s frogs are one of the smallest species of frogs in the world.
- Peninsula instructors prepare youth for the zombie apocalypse. “Preparedness 101: Zombie Pandemic,” a graphic novella geared to teens and young adults prepared by the Centers for Disease Control, has the answers. ‘If you are generally well-equipped to deal with a zombie apocalypse, you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake or terrorist attack,’ said CDC director of public health preparedness Dr. Ali Khan, who appears as a character in the comic book. The zombie comic started as a tongue-in-cheek campaign, but has evolved into a popular way to impress young people with the importance of emergency preparedness, he explains on the CDC web site.” You can read the CDC zombie pandemic graphic novel here.
- Talk about awesome finds! This German kid found a human mummy in a sarcophagus in a corner of his grandparents’ attic!
- 16 human skulls found near a school in Prague. The skulls were said to be from a “private collection.” Ok I want a collection of human skulls. Obtained legally of course.
- Iowa has issued gun permits for the blind. I think that’s cool, blind people need guns too.
- Man sets fire to neighbour’s house trying to smoke out wasp nest. That’s one way of doing it…
- In cryptozoology news, Swiss police are on a hunt for “Le Loyon,” a mysterious creature who has been spotted roaming the woods in Switzerland for over a decade. He is said to be wearing a gas mask, boiler suit, and cloak. “While he does not seem to be obviously aggressive or dangerous, police are hoping to speak to Le Loyon in an effort to encourage him to be less threatening.”
- Joker-obsessed fan stabs a man at the gym and tries to carve a Joker smile on his face when he’s arrested. He also posted “Why so serious?” on Facebook right after the incident.
- Don’t worry, Batman will save us! Batman and Captain America save a cat from a burning house.
Until next time Bizarros!
The good news is there will never be a shortage of Bizarro news…
- “A Tulsa man is facing a laundry list of charges for the second time this month — this time, accused of stealing a truck, escaping from a hospital and falling through a restaurant’s ceiling vent naked.”
- Red Bull heir runs over and kills a police officer with his Ferrari, skips his trial to go on “business trip.”
- UK police mistake Angelina Jolie, Daniel Craig, Tom Cruise, and Arnold look-alikes for IRL criminals.
- Gnome homes have mysteriously appeared in Kansas town. No sighting of gnomes yet but Kansas better be careful because gnomes can be fucking creepy.
- Retired lab chimpanzee wins $10,000 prize in a chimpanzee art competition. Contest was held by the Humane Society.
- Woman in New Mexico gives birth after being struck by lightning. Her baby girl is now called “little Flash Gordon.”
- European company invests $11 million to make robot cops. Sorry, robot technology is still not Terminator/RoboCop/Battlestar level yet. I’ll let you know when it is…
- Chicken swallows a diamond ring. Thankfully her nice caretaker will wait until she dies of natural causes to get the earring back.
- Canadian man swallows severed human toe at a bar in Yukon and had to pay a $500 fine and leave town since now the bar can’t serve “Sourtoe Cocktails” anymore until they find another toe. Adventurous drinkers would drink a cocktail of whiskey with the mummified toe inside and it had to touch their lips. As for the taste, one patron said: “The whisky was the only thing I could taste but the toe was like a leathery piece of jerky — with a toenail attached to it,” There are several videos at the link.
- Hot burlesque dancer sets off fire alarm with her fiery nipples during a performance, making everyone evacuate.
- Gang of drunk deer threaten a Swedish man and keep him from entering his house. Drunk elk are a reoccurring problem in Sweden because they like to get wasted on fermented fruit which are plentiful. They also get really aggressive when drunk.
- Meanwhile in Japan…
Until next time Bizarros!
Too much crazy shit going on so I’ll just keep it simple and post the headlines and links:
- 70 year-old man rams 4 inch fork inside his penis for sexual pleasure, finds out it really, really hurts
- Woman turns up alive — almost two weeks after her own funeral
- Tourists’ shock as Morag of Loch Morar – Scotland’s second most famous monster – makes a comeback after 20 years
Here’s the latest Bizarro breaking news! Hot off the internet!
The alert came after a fisherman in the Oresund Sound last week retrieved a 21 centimetre pacu – a relative of the piranha that is most commonly found in the Amazon region.
“Keep your swimwear on if you’re bathing in the Sound these days – maybe there are more out there!” cautioned the National History Museum in neighbouring Denmark.
The freshwater fish, which can grow up to 90 centimetres and weigh up to 25 kilogrammes, has been nicknamed the “ball cutter” for its attacks on the male genitalia.
In areas where pacus proliferate, fishermen have reportedly bled to death after losing their testicles to the fish’s crushing jaws.
A Chinese man was drunk, watching most likely Genki porn, and thought it would be a good idea to stick a 20-inch eel up his ass to get off. The eel reportedly chewed through the guy’s colon and died. Oh yeah and the doctor having to deal with that shit blogged about it.
“The defendant then leaves his friend and goes to the opposite side of the aisle. He pulls down the zip of his trousers and is seen on CCTV to urinate on the whole display of Coke bottles. He then does up his trousers and wipes his hands on his trousers and goes back to his friend,” she said.
She said the pair then went to the checkout and paid for their cider.
“The items are not able to be resold, because they are completey soaked in urine,” she said.
Matt Henson, representing Goldring, of Third Avenue in Clase, said his client suffered from severe sciatica and the medication he was taking to deal with the pain often meant he regularly needed the toilet.
Hong Kong is a vibrant city chock-full of people — so much so that the quality of life for those at the bottom tier is atrocious. And I’m not talking about, “Oh my goodness, I have to share a bathroom with my brother and sister.” I’m talking about up to 18 strangers being smashed into a tiny 625 square foot flat with just one toilet to share.
One such former cage-dweller is Chau Kam-chuen. Mr. Kam-chuen used to be one of over 400,000 working poor who paid approximately $167.6 USD to live in such an environment. According to him, it’s extremely uncomfortable, especially if you get the top bunk: “You hit your head on the ceiling.”
The way it works is that a flat is chosen and then partitioned into multiple cubicles, each composed of wooden planks and wire mesh. Each cubicle then becomes home to one resident.
The original pine casket that held the body of Lee Harvey Oswald from his burial on November 25, 1963 until his exhumation on October 4, 1981 will be auctioned on Thursday, December 16, 2010 by Nate D. Sanders Auctions.
On Saturday, December 11, 2010, I took a nap in it.
This might, were I a collector of profound means, be considered a Special, Private Preview Showing. But since I am not a collector of profound or even shallow means nor have any intention of bidding on Oswald’s temporarily permanent original resting box, a reasonable person might ask, What the JFK?
Though I felt it might be an interesting way to get into the holiday spirit, a pre-Christmas gift to myself, me stuffed into Oswald’s post-mortum pine stocking, the motivation was simply, as Hilary said of Everest, “Because it was there.”
It was there, before me, after I accepted an invitation to view it and had the nerve to ask if I could get an insider’s look. The possibility was irresistible. The request graciously accepted, I prepared for bedtime; I took out a book to read, a rare book.
- The BIGGEST breaking news is that behind-the-scenes footage of “The Day The Clown Cried” has just surfaced!
This is the holy grail of unseen footage. Many rumors have circulated about why a movies with Jerry Lee Lewis dressed as a clown in a concentration camp never saw the light of day. Only 7 people in the world have seen the film, including Harry Shearer who talked about it on Howard Stern.
Here is the leaked footage. Hopefully it doesn’t get taken down.
You can also read the entire script here. It’s incredible.
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted a Bizarro news roundup. Lots of weird shit has been going on as usual so here’s a summary of what’s been happening:
- Exotic snake kills two boys in Canada. An African rock python escaped from his enclosure and killed two boys who were asleep inside an apartment above a pet store where the snake was being kept illegally. The python has since been put down by a veterinarian and the owners of the pet store have received a wave of negative backlash from the public. African rock pythons are one of the largest species of snakes in the world but attacks on humans are rare.
- Last month in Australia, police were investigating a pawn shop burglary only to find a 19-foot python hiding behind some clothes.
“Its head was the size of a small dog,” Auld said. “It must have been hiding when we went there the first time.”
Authorities believe the snake fell into the charity store through the roof, which was damaged in a storm several years earlier. It fell inside, knocking items over, and then relieved itself on the floor.
A snake handler was called in to dispose of the reptile, which weighed nearly 38 pounds. It was then released back into the wild.
“In this undated photo released by Anthony Martin, escape artist Anthony Martin of Sheboygan, Wis., escapes from a wooden box that was locked and pushed out of a plane at 13,500 feet in August 1988, in Sandwich, Ill. On Tuesday, Aug. 6, 2013, the escape artist will lay inside a plywood box that is subsequently shoved out of an airplane at 14,500 feet to the sky over Serena in northern Illinois, with his hands cuffed to a belt around his waist and his right arm chained to the inside of the box. Photo: Courtesy Of Anthony Martin”
- A pentagram has been discovered in a Google Maps shot of an area in Kazakhstan. There is a logical explanation:
Though it’s difficult to discern from an aerial photograph exactly what the Kazakh pentagram is, Emma Usmanova, an archaeologist with years of experience working in the Lisakovsk area, has an answer.“It is the outline of a park made in the form of a star,” Usmanova told LiveScience. The star was a popular symbol during the Soviet era (Kazakhstan was a part of the former Soviet Union until its dissolution in 1991). Stars were often used throughout the Soviet Union to decorate building facades, flags and monuments. (Several online comments had suggested the star shape was the abandoned site of a Soviet-era lakeside campground.)The star in the Soviet-era lakeside park is marked by roadways that are now lined with trees, Usmanova explained, which make the star shape even more distinct in aerial photos. Additional images of the site, now abandoned and overgrown with weeds, can be seen at englishrussia.com.
- A 12-year-old girl took a swim in a lake Arkansas and became infected with a rare, brain-eating parasite.
“The 12-year-old Arkansas girl who was infected with a rare brain-eating parasite is showing remarkable improvement, her doctors said Tuesday.
Kali Hardig is still listed in critical condition at Arkansas Children’s Hospital, but over the past 48 hours, she’s grown alert to the point where she can gesture in response to questions, according to Dr. Mark Heulitt, an intensive care specialist. Heulitt has scheduled a test for Tuesday afternoon to see whether Hardig can breathe without the breathing tube that she’s had for more than two weeks.
Hardig’s doctors are in virtually uncharted territory. Of 128 known cases in the past half-century, just two patients have survived, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The infection is caused by a microscopic amoeba called Naegleria fowleri, found in hot springs and warm, fresh water, most often in the southeastern United States.
The amoeba enters the body through the nose and travels to the brain. You cannot be infected with the organism by drinking contaminated water, the CDC says.”
- 15-ton blob of fat found growing in London sewer!
“Given we’ve got the biggest sewers and this is the biggest fatberg we’ve encountered, we reckon it has to be the biggest such berg in British history,” Hailwood said.
The monstrous blob of fat was created by people pouring food fat down the drain, and by flushing baby wipes down the toilet. Thames Water discovered the fatberg after residents in the suburb of Kingston, Surrey, complained that they couldn’t flush their toilets.
By using closed-circuit television (CCTV), investigators discovered the creamy white fatberg, which had reduced the 28-inch (70 centimeter) sewer pipe to just 5 percent of its normal capacity.
“The sewer was almost completely clogged,” Hailwood said. “If we hadn’t discovered it in time, raw sewage could have started spurting out of manholes across the whole of Kingston.”
- Man shoots wife over a bet on a Nintendo Wii game:
Keith Wiens admitted to firing a single shot into the head of Lynn Kalmring in August 2011 at their Penticton home, but maintains she was carrying a knifeand he acted in self-defence. His trial, in front of a jury in B.C. Supreme Court in Kelowna, continued this week after a one-month break.
On the witness stand Thursday, Wiens said the pair arrived home from a motorcycle ride around 5 p.m. the day before the shooting.
They drank alcohol, ate dinner, then played Nintendo Wii video games. He said the two often made bets of a sexual nature on the games.
He lost the bet that night, and when he went to bed around 10:40 p.m., found sex toys on his pillow, but moved them aside because he wanted to rest up for a golf game the next day. He said Kalmring became upset when she saw that he was not in the mood to settle the bet.
- Chinese scientists grow teeth from stem cells taken from urine. The stem-cell-urine-teeth are weak and can’t actually be used as teeth. Prof Chris Mason, a stem cell scientist at University College London, said urine was a poor starting point.
- Guy in New York tries to sell a baby on Craisglist for $100. Everyone now thinks he’s a giant asshole.
- As you may have heard/read, scientists have successfully created lab meat. The meat was created using stem cells from a living cow so it’s not vegan and I wouldn’t eat it unless all plant life dies and that’s all that’s left to eat in the apocalypse, but others would eat it even sans apocalypse. This has now paved the way for lab leather but BurritoBot still needs some work.
- Man passes out drunk and wakes up with no penis. Fuck, that sucks.
- French feral cats attack a woman and her poodle.
A woman walking her dog in one of France’s most attractive tourist areas was the victim of a ‘nightmare’ attack when a pack of six feral cats dragged her to the ground and mauled her severing an artery.
The 31-year-old victim, who was walking at the edge of a wood in Belfort, in the north-eastern region Franche-Comté, was left traumatised by the attack and suffered bites to her arms and legs along with a gashed artery.
Her dog was also badly hurt in the incident.
It is thought the attack may be related to the high summer temperatures perhaps making the cats more aggressive than usual.
Josette Galliot, the mother of the victim told l’Est Republicain newspaper she had been ‘living a nightmare’ since the attack on Sunday.
Well, that about covers it. I’m going to swim in a murky lake with some feral French cats and watch Soylent Green while eating processed Chinese soy meat in the shape of a plucked chicken. Maybe I’ll piss out some teeth. Until next time Bizarros!
posted by Tracy Vanity
A guy armed with a slingshot stole a bus in central Bangkok and lead police on a chase around town all the way to Ayutthaya, the old capital of Bangkok, which is really remarkable considering the traffic here. He must be a superhero!
“After giving chase to the bus, the police eventually managed to stop the hijacked vehicle after the suspect rammed into a parked 18 wheeler in Sanub Tuek district. The suspect was described to be in “insane condition”, shouting incoherently, when the police apprehended him. He was later identified as Mr. Pumarin Paensomboon, 31, a resident of Supanburi province.
Mr. Pumarin told police he hijacked the bus because he is a superhero from another planet and he needed the bus in order to rescue certain extraterrestrial beings, saving the entire world in the process. The man remained in custody.
Mr. Prasit Suk-in, 55, the driver of the commandeered bus, said when he and the bus conductor were parking the bus at Victory Monument, Mr. Pumarin entered the vehicle and shouted everyone to leave the bus. When Mr. Prasit attempted to apprehend Mr. Pumarin, he said, the suspect fired a slingshot at him.
According to Mr. Prasit, Mr. Pumarin also produced what seemed to be a weapon from his bag, so he and others evacuated the bus while Mr. Pumarin drove it away, ramming it into anything in his way.
Despite the destruction Mr. Pumarin left in his wake, no injury nor death was reported to the police. Representative of the Bangkok Mass Transit Authority said it will pay compensation to civilian cars which were damaged by the incident.”
I hope he was still able to save the aliens or whatever drugs he was on wore off and didn’t leave him permanently damaged.
posted by Tracy Vanity
via USA Today
DETROIT — A 41-year-old Columbus, Ohio, man is recovering after police say he ripped off part of his penis on a drug-fueled high in Ypsilanti Township, Mich.
Washtenaw County Sheriff’s deputies found the man naked and screaming after responding to a burglar alarm at Ypsilanti Middle School about 1 a.m. last Tuesday, Sgt. Geoff Fox said Monday.
The man was kneeling outside the school, bloody from the waist down, with parts of his genitals ripped off, Fox said. He said parts of the man’s body were transferred to the hospital with him.
Officers subdued the man for his own safety and called for an ambulance.
“He really wasn’t saying much at all — a lot of yelling and screaming,” Fox said, adding the man had broken a window to the school but didn’t take anything. “He wasn’t making sense. They couldn’t really communicate with him in terms of constructive conversation.”
The man later told investigators he picked up hallucinogenic mushrooms earlier in the day while he was in town visiting friends in a neighborhood near the school. The man does not have a history of mental problems or extensive drug use, Fox said.
“We’ve sent his blood off for further analysis to see if there was anything else, if the mushrooms could have been laced with something,” Fox said, adding that toxicology results are pending.
Medics first took the man to St. Joseph Mercy Hospital in Superior Township, Mich. WCSO spokesman Derrick Jackson said the man is currently being treated at University of Michigan Health System.
Fox said the man had been close to death.
“In terms of vital signs, they were as low as they could go without being dead, I could only assume due to the blood loss and the shock and trauma to the body,” he said.
The man remains hospitalized Monday, still recovering from his injuries, Fox said. He declined to discuss details of his treatment.
Ypsilanti Township resident Brandon Simmons, 30, who often cuts through the middle-school yard while walking to and from his nearby apartment, said he was concerned about the man’s recovery.
“I don’t even know what to say — it sounds painful,” Simmons said Monday. “Is he still alive? My prayers go out to him, and I hope he’s going to make it. Wow?….I’m at a loss for words.”
Poor guy. A few year ago, I had an apocalyptic mushroom trip that left me unable to go near hallucinogens ever again. It took 5 years to shake off the PTSD but at least my genitals are still in tact…
Bizarro Breaking News!: Giant Genital Beatdown, Moving Museum Statue, Mac N’ Cheese Stabbing & More!
by Tracy Vanity
Blame the Supermoon but a lot of weird shit has been going on lately. Here are the highlights:
- Woman dressed as a giant vagina saves a giant penis from mob attack.
via Dangerous Minds
Performance artists dressed as giant male and female genitals from the Nomadic Academy of Fools were running around merry old England spreading the joy of genitals when a group of passersby took offense to the giant dick and started beating him up. The vagina saved him and the assholes dressed as regular people called the police who told the dick and vagina to remove the costumes because it was offensive.
Quote from Nomadic Academy of Fools:
“We’re trying to highlight the contradiction in society. People were offended by us walking around in costume, but it’s nothing you can’t see in magazines and newspapers that are often displayed in a child’s eye-line. On the whole, the reaction we had was positive from most people.”
Assholes-dressed-as-regular-people ruin everything!
- Ancient Egyptian Statue turns 180 degrees, scares the shit out of everyone.
In what looks like a job for the crew of the Mystery Machine, an ancient Egyptian statue in the collection of the Manchester Museum seems to have taken on a life of its own, rotating 180 degrees in its closed glass case, apparently untouched by any outside force. A time lapse video of the statue moving — seemingly of its own accord — has gone viral, causing some to go full O’Reilly and claim that supernatural forces are behind the motion. Others, including noted physicist Brian Cox, remain convinced that the statue’s spin can be explained without resorting to sentences containing the phrase “mummy’s ghost.” For our part, we want someone to find Old Man Withers, stat.
The statue is a ten-inch high offering to the ancient Egyptian god of death, Osiris, and is inscribed with a prayer on its back, which after three days of slow, steady turning in its display case, faces museum patrons.
- Where else but Florida would a man stab his brother over mac n’ cheese? Seriously, where?
Randy Zipperer was really jonseing for some mac and cheese. As he searched his house for the golden goodness his brother Edward joined in to help.
That’s when things went wrong.
Randy was already mad because he couldn’t find his food so when Edward accidently knocked over his beer a scuffle followed. That ended with Randy stabbing Edward in the stomach.
Cops in Daytona Beach, Florida said Randy told them he was just playing around with his brother and “poked him a little with the knife.”
The Daytona Beach News reports Ed was left with a small puncture wound and bruised feelings.
Cops did recover a 6-inch knife with blood on the tip.
Randy is still in the slam, taking up residence in the Volusia County Jail on an aggravated battery charge.
No word on if he ever got his mac and cheese or if they happen to serve it in the lockup.
If you think I’m needlessly picking on Florida you obviously haven’t been following
@_FloridaMan on twitter…
- And to close off today’s Bizarro Breaking News here’s a gallery of people dressed as superheroes beating people up and doing other crazy shit.
“SpongeBob Squarepants Brawl” wins for so many reasons!
Moral: If you’re going to act fucking crazy, wear a costume because it adds to the lulz.
Londoners are at risk of being killed in one of the increasing number of pavement explosions in the capital, the Health and Safety Executive (HSE) fears.
Figures obtained by BBC London show reported incidents of underground explosions more than tripled between 2011 and 2012.
In 2010, there were 12 underground explosions reported to the HSE.
Although that fell to eight in 2011, last year the figure jumped to 29. So far this year, there have been 12 blasts….
…Colin Wingate, 76, spent three months in a wheelchair with severe leg injuries after a pavement exploded in Harrow, north-west London, in August 2011.
“There was a huge – and when I say huge I mean enormous – explosion,” he said.
“Huge to the point that the iron manhole cover left the ground, I left the ground – and it was Bedlam.”
This was brought to my attention this morning. As a dog lover and hosiery enthusiast, I’m more than a little confused.
Check it out and chime in in the comments!
Someone decided to soundtrack this video with a dog barking in the background (probably saying “This shit is uncomfortable. I’m a DOG for fucks sake!”) so, heads up, you may wanna hit mute.
by Tracy Vanity
The fisherman, who has not been named at the request of his family, was driving with friends toward the Shestakovskoye lake, west of the capital, Minsk, when he spotted the beaver along the side of the road and stopped the car. As he tried to grab the animal to have his picture taken, it bit him several times. One of the bites cut a major artery in his leg, according to Sulim.
The man’s friends were unable to stem the bleeding, and he was pronounced dead when he arrived at Sulim’s clinic in the village of Ostromechevo.
He is the only person known to have died from a beaver attack in Belarus.
Well shit, if you grab any wild animal of course they’re going to bite your ass! But apparently beaver attacks are common, probably because they are fat and cute and people keep fucking with them. Just leave them alone and they won’t bite into your ateries!
BTW I had no idea Mel Gibson made a movie with a beaver puppet, that’s more wtf to me than this article!
posted by Tracy Vanity
Last Saturday some smelly, gooey, white shit began seeping out of the ground in Nanjing, China, tripping the fuck out of everyone, especially the people living in Nanjing who ended up being evacuated from the surrounding area for a bit. People still have no idea wtf that was but the Chinese Propaganda Ministry released a statement saying that is was just a harmless substance used to “soften the soil” that just “accidentally leaked” but don’t worry it’s really harmless…really.
Thankfully, the ooze eventually seeped back into the ground and the people of Nanjing will have some really soft soil and I’m sure very non-toxic food, air, and water….
posted by Tracy Vanity
Source: Weird Asia News
In Leqing City, in China’s Zhejian Province, at around 6:00 a.m. on May 1, 2013, a woman was using a public restroom when the toilet literally exploded. The blast so was so powerful that it blew the exterior wall outward, injuring another woman who was walking by. Amazingly, the woman inside was completely unharmed, protected by the room’s internal brick walls.
A local citizen speculated that the incident may have been caused by faulty electrical wires that sparked and thus ignited the methane gas that had filled up the stopped-up toilet.
Fortunately, May Day was a national holiday in China, so there were not many people on the street. The restroom was located in an industrial area of the city, so had this incident happened on a regular working day, things could have gone a lot worse.