News of nonstop war and social collapse getting you down? Didn’t know that shit was happening? Doesn’t matter! It’s time to slide on down for a Bizarro News Roundup!
- Indian teen with rare medical condition has 232 teeth removed from his mouth.
- Indian man finds a 5-foot crocodile in his shower.
- Have you heard about those mysterious Syberian sinkholes? They look like cute holes to hell. Scientists are still wondering what the fuck they are but now there are some theories. I still think it’s aliens.
- Check out this cool mining town in Australia that exists underground! There’s even an underground pub and bookstore.
- We did not revert back to the 80’s…well actually some of us never left, but technically it’s 2014 and Weird Al has topped the Billboard charts:
- In other music news, Primus are releasing an album of songs from the Willa Wonka and the Chocolate Factory soundtrack. Here is a taste of what to expect:
- In Mexico, there’s an embalmed corpse of a woman who models wedding dresses at a bridal shop. Locals are freaked out but deal with it.
- Best mom ever goes to this deep sea octopus who looked after her eggs for 4 years and didn’t even eat! Cthulhu is pleased.
- Treasure news: Man buys cheap retirement land in Portugal and finds over a million dollars worth of vintage luxury cars locked up in the barn!
- Germany is now the penis enlargement capital of the world. Penoplasty is a real word and should be used often.
- A cool German crop circle has popped up out of nowhere. Thousands are flocking to check it out and have penoplasties.
- D.C. hospital rodent infestation is so bad that rodents are crawling up vaginas. That’s pretty bad. Good thing those vaginas were already dead.
- You no longer need to be a serial killer to have your very own human skin furniture! Looks, feels, and smells like the real thing. Just what you always wanted.
- Clowns help 68-year-old clown after she accidentally crashes her car into a pole. Wounded clown is injured but ok. They bounce back.
- CCTV captures footage of a ghost hanging out in a “theatre” in Essex and moving a chair. This happened after a psychic had been on stage earlier.
- You can now send kids to summer camp in North Korea and be a party of a North Korean talent show at the end! Lucky bastards.
- In the most awesome news of the week: cooking with LAVA!
Until next time Bizarros!
Gollums, Neverending Story dragon-slaying, alien sightings, cannibalism, and yet another step towards the robot apocalypse. It’s time for a Bizarro News Roundup kids! Yee-haw!
- While on vacation, a Chinese tourist happened across a golum-like creature while taking a piss. News reports say the creature resembles Gollum from Lord of the Rings, but I think it looks more like something from Pan’s Labyrinth. What do you think?
- UFO sighting in Montana:
- In more alien news, a retired marine has admitted to dedicating 17 years to defending 5 human colonies against Martians. He even enjoyed a nice retirement ceremony on the moon. The 30-minute video at the source link is worth a watch.
- It’s only a game…or is it? 3 Americans have been hospitalized with demonic possession while playing with a Ouija board in Mexico. Demonic possession videos are trippy.
- What do old people taste like? Depends. An elderly French lady has been accused of murdering and eating her 80-year-old husband’s genitals and other body parts. She is now being nicknamed the “female Hannibal Lecter.” To be fair, Hannibal murdered and ate many victims and is really fucking hot.
- Peanut, the winner of the 2014 World’s Ugliest Dog contest is cute in a demonic, bowel-ripping way. No, he’s adorable and the contest raises awareness on the importance of adoption. Congrats Peanut! He should be the Bizarro mascot!
- Man on meth eats sparkles at a Burlington Coat Factory. And he wasn’t in Florida!
- This man needs help removing his 100 pound scrotum.
- Foreign exchange student gets trapped inside a giant vagina sculpture. He doesn’t want to be named. I’d own that shit!
- “Adelaide man Guy Albon, who had his four guns confiscated due to fears over his ‘mental competency’ brought about by him wearing a colander on his head in his gun licence photo, has been given the all clear after he insisted the utensil was crucial to his religion, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”
Prosecutors say two 12-year-old southeastern Wisconsin girls stabbed their 12-year-old friend nearly to death in the woods to please a mythological creature they learned about online.
Both girls were charged as adults with first-degree attempted homicide Monday in Waukesha County Circuit Court; they each face up to 60 years in prison if convicted. A court commissioner set bail at $500,000 cash per child. According to a criminal complaint, the girls had been planning to kill their friend for months and finally made the attempt in a park on Saturday morning, after a slumber party.
One of the girls told a detective they were trying to become “proxies” of Slender Man, a mythological demon-like character they learned about on creepypasta.wikia.com, a website about horror stories and legends. They planned to run away to the demon’s forest mansion after the slaying, the complaint said.
“I recognize their young ages but it’s still unbelievable,” Court Commissioner Thomas Pieper said during one of the girls’ initial court appearances Monday.
The victim suffered 19 stab wounds; one missed a major artery near her heart by a millimeter, doctors told police. She was in stable condition Monday. The court documents did not provide her name.
The Associated Press isn’t naming either girl who is charged because at least one of their attorneys plans to pursue moving her case into juvenile court, where proceedings are secret.
Both girls appeared in court wearing shackles and jail jumpsuits. They were surrounded by sheriff’s bailiffs, who towered over them. Family members of one of the girls wept openly as reporters snapped photographs. The other girl’s family sat stone-faced.
According to the criminal complaint, one of the girls told an investigator they began planning to kill their friend in December. The other girl told police they decided to kill her so they could become proxies of Slender Man, who would accept them and let them live with him in his mansion in the Nicolet National Forest.
The other girl said she sees Slender Man in her dreams. She said he watches her and can read her mind and teleport.
This extraordinary baby goat has EIGHT legs and both male and female reproductive organs.
Vets say the extraordinary animal’s extra limbs are the result of an underdeveloped twin sibling.
Croatian farmer Zoran Paparic’s couldn’t believe what he was seeing when his goat Sarka recently gave birth.
He said: “I counted his legs and I thought I was seeing things. Then I called my neighbour to make sure that I am not crazy.”
Mr Paparic knows that it is unlikely the goat will survive but if it does could live for two of three years and he is keen to keep him.
via The Mirror
What’s fake and what’s real? Does it even make a difference? Here’s the latest weird news, hot off the internet!
- NETFLIX unveils awesome “Cage Mode” films!
- Darth Vader is running for president of the Ukraine!
- The Holy Grail has been found in Spain! Millions are flocking to see it.
- Man trying to shoot a rat, shoots himself instead.
- Rats the size of cats invde Burmingham!
- Huffington Post wins for best news page EVER, hurry up and check it out!
- Woman decorates dog shit with strawberries and cream.
- Firefighters rescue 6-foot python from fire.
- Man stabbed 25 times with stiletto.
- A man allowed a hyena to eat his genitals after being told it would help him get rich.
- Future cities will have heated pavements and glow-in-the-dark trees.
- Supreme Lord Emperor Awesome Dragon Lord of Unicorns, Kim Jong-un declares that all men in and entering North Korea must have the same awesome haircut as him.
- Woman sees Bigfoot!
- On the trail of the Florida Skunk Ape!
Speaking of Florida…
- “Florida Man Goes on Machete-Wielding Rampage Because He Vomited on His Cell Phone”
- “Florida Man Rampages Through Bar While Dressed as Rambo”
- “Burglars Run From Naked Florida Man With Shovel”
- In more serious news, Norwegian teen gets a McDonald’s receipt tattoo. Wins awards for dumbest tattoo on the planet.
- Women make the best spies and here is a great Guardian article about hot female spies!
- Indian parrot rats out a murder.
- Creepy clown spotted in Staten Island!
- The spaghetti harvest goes forward in Switzerland!
Happy April Fools’ Day, Bizarros! Do you have a favorite prank or hoax?
This is definitely a classic:
Unfortunately, the story about Gordon Ramsay’s midget porn star double being eaten by badgers was an old hoax but damn that was one hell of a headline!
It’s been awhile since I’ve updated you on the weird shit happening around the world so here’s the latest Bizarro news!
- “Swiss Cheese Pervert arrested in Philly. I guess he couldn’t find another cheese enthusiast.
- Opera singer out of a job for farting too much. She’s suing.
- German farting cows cause explosion at a farm.
- Couple advertises their home as “slightly haunted” in order to gain more interested buyers but just attracts ghost hunters instead.
- Vice interviews a man who will turn your corpse into a diamond.
- Man crashes SUV into Connecticut gas station, steals banana, eats it, and leaves.
- Mysterious jelly doughnut rock found on Mars.
- “Man fights off shark, stitches up wounds and has a beer before finally going to hospital” priorities…
- Weird, glass, shrimp-like, fish found in New Zealand.
- “Boyfriend assaults girlfriend with steak sauce over ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’”
- Haggis causes bomb scare at Burmingham airport. That stuff does look pretty frightening.
- Havoc-wreaking goblin found in suitcase and scares the shit out of cops in Zimbabwe. It could be the Tokoloshe!
- Oklahoma man kills stepfather with “atomic wedgie”
- Man chokes girlfriend with his dreadlocks.
- Comprehensive lists of random shit people stuck up their asses and other orifices last year. “Lit bottle rocket, it didn’t go well” & “toy submarine” were my personal favorites on the list.
- Hitler’s toilet is in New Jersey.
- Florida man tries to rob a bank with his underwear on his head.
- Florida Man Fights Cops While Also Trying to Perform Exorcism on Son After Meth Makes Him “Abnormally Strong”
- Oregon man fights off 15 cops while masturbating. Yes he was on meth.
- Thai “Snake Girl” attracts tourists and online paranormal fans. She is real dammit! Just look at this photographic evidence:
Until next time Bizarros!
As I mentioned in a post about Krampus, kids need something to scare the shit out of them to not only get them to not be shitheads, but also because scaring the shit out of kids with stories of supernatural creatures that will get them for misbehaving is a fun tradition we should continue to uphold. It’s healthy for them.
In South Africa, there is a boogeyman/demon-like creature which varies in appearance. Some people say it is like a small hairy human, some say more like a dog, others say it’s a shape-changing vampire spirit…it seems to depend on what their grandmother told them. One thing is for sure, if a kid is being a real pain in the ass in South Africa, then the Tokoloshe will be sure to take their ass away unless they listen to their elders.
But the Tokoloshe doesn’t just terrorize children, it can cause a lot of evil and mischief for adults as well. There are reports of horny Tokoloshe that force themselves on victims, Tokoloshe that steal, and even ones that murder.
I first heard about the Tokoloshe in Die Antwoord’s “Evil Boy” music video. There is a dancing Tokoloshe with a huge dangling cock.
Ninja and Yo-landi made a video with VICE, asking people in their neighborhood about what the Tokoloshe is. They even speak to a witch doctor and a journalist from The Daily Sun to learn more about this mysterious, mischievous monster. The story Ninja tells about his nanny putting bricks under her bed because of the Tokoloshe is creepy.
Africarve made this cool Tokoloshe puppet in case you want to sic them on any brats: