SHATNERQUEST by Jeff Burk
After the apocalypse, three Star Trek fans and their morbidly obese cat embark on a quest to save their beloved idol, the one and only William Shatner, from the hostile world America has become.
But their journey will not be easy, for the wasteland is filled with cannibal cults, Klingon biker gangs, Zombie Borg, and all manner of mutant creatures. And once they arrive at their destination, they discover that William Shatner has been transformed into Shatzilla – a giant 100-story radioactive monster hell-bent on destroying all of Los Angeles.
Now instead of saving Shatner from this new apocalyptic world, these three fans must save the world from this new apocalyptic Shatner. If only there was another giant monster who could take him down…
From the author who brought you the cult hit Shatnerquake, comes another Shat-tastic sci-fi comedy that proves once and for all that there actually is something even bigger than William Shatner’s ego. And it is… William Shatner!
VILLAGE OF THE MERMAIDS by Carlton Mellick III
MERMAID [mur-meyd] noun — a rare species of fish evolved to resemble the appearance of a woman in order to attract male human prey.
Mermaids are protected by the government under the Endangered Species Act, which means you aren’t able to kill them even in self-defense. This is especially problematic if you happen to live in the isolated fishing village of Siren Cove, where there exists a healthy population of mermaids in the surrounding waters that view you as the main source of protein in their diet.
The only thing keeping these ravenous sea women at bay is the equally-dangerous supply of human livestock known as Food People. Normally, these “feeder humans” are enough to keep the mermaid population happy and well-fed. But in Siren Cove, the mermaids are avoiding the human livestock and have returned to hunting the frightened local fishermen. It is up to Doctor Black, an eccentric representative of the Food People Corporation, to investigate the matter and hopefully find a way to correct the mermaids’ new eating patterns before the remaining villagers end up as fish food. But the more he digs, the more he discovers there are far stranger and more dangerous things than mermaids hidden in this ancient village by the sea.
Like a Lovecraftian version of David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, Village of the Mermaids is a dystopian mystery that proves once again how cult author Carlton Mellick III brings the weird to a whole new level.
AVAILABLE AT WWW.AMAZON.COM
SUMMER 2013 RELEASES:
(Coming in July)
“In Heaven Everything is Fine: Stories Inspired by the Films of David Lynch” ed. by Cameron Pierce
“Quicksand House” by Carlton Mellick III
“Japan Conquers the Galaxy” by Kirsten Alene
“You Are a Sloth” by Steve Lowe
by Justin Grimbol
A chubby old woman walked into the coffee shop and started asking random people if they wanted to be interviewed. She said she needed an article for the newspaper she worked for. No one wanted to talk to her.
“Come on, you seem like an interesting fella,” she said to one hipster.
“I don’t do anything,” he said.
“I’ll do an interview with you,” I said.
At that moment I was online promoting my book. I figured being interviewed by this woman might help sales a bit.
The people that were sitting around me gave me a strange look. Some of them got up and left. I couldn’t understand why they all hated this old lady so much. She just wants to interview them for some local paper. What was the big deal?
The woman sat next to me on a couch that was in the middle of the coffee shop. I felt like I was on display, like I was on Oprah or Richard Bay.
“I have such bad gas,” she said. “I think I ate too much candy.”
She leaned back and rubbed her tummy. I knew right then that there was something off about this woman. What kind of old woman talks about flatulence so openly?
I sat and waited to be interviewed. The woman rubbed her belly.
“So, what do you do?” she asked.
I told her I was a writer and that I had recently got a book published.
“How lovely. What’s it about?”
“It’s like the movie THE OUTSIDERS, but with…”
“What’s the OUTSIDERS?” she asked.
I had never met anyone who had not seen THE OUTSIDERS. This woman must be ancient, I decided.
“It’s like WEST SIDE STORY,” I told her.
She didn’t know what WEST SIDE STORY was either.
“It’s like Romeo and Juliet,” I said.
She still seemed confused. Did this woman not know what Romeo and Juliet was either?
“So your book is like Romeo and Juliet?”
“No, not at all. It’s about poor kids fighting rich kids and there are monsters,” I said. “It’s a Bizarro book.”
Usually when I describe Bizarro, I compare it to Lynch and Cronenberg and John Waters. I had a feeling this woman had no idea about any of those guys. So I brought up Roald Dahl.
“Who’s that?” she asked.
“You know, the guy who wrote CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY, WITCHES, MATILDA.”
She looked at me suspiciously, like I was lying to her.
“I’ve never heard of any of those books.”
“Well, have you ever heard of the Wizard of OZ? That’s kinda Bizarro.”
“It’s just weird,” I said. “It’s just really weird fiction.”
“Do people actually read that stuff?” she asked, even though I had not yet described to her any Bizarro fiction except my own.
“Yes, people like it.”
The conversation went on. She mainly asked me questions about my life. She wanted to know where I was born and what I did for work and what college I went to. I kept trying to insert little things about my book. She was not interested.
I asked her what kind of Newspaper she worked for. She said it was more like a blog.
After an hour she looked at me and said “I’m sorry but this isn’t the kind of thing I am looking for.”
She then got up, farted, and left.
The guy sitting across from me laughed. “Dude, you just talked to that crazy lady for like an hour.”
I sat there and thought about what had just happened. I felt tired.
I walked over to Rosemont, dorky health food store across from the coffee shop. The old lady was there. She was standing next to the cashier and pestering customers, asking them if they wanted an interview. Everyone ignored her, except the cashier, who begged her to leave. She looked so upset. I felt bad for her. I would have offered to do another interview, maybe about something other than fiction, but I was just too worn out.
Justin Grimbol is the author of THE CRUD MASTERS, part of the New Bizarro Author Series 2011-2012, now available on Amazon
LitReactor, the net’s premier site for literary news, discussion, and writer’s workshops, has chosen Jeremy Robert Johnson’s WE LIVE INSIDE YOU as its May ’12 Book Club Selection. The discussion will run for the entire month and Jeremy will be participating (i.e. drinking heavily and posting nude manatee pics).
So, if you’ve already read one of Bizarro’s most popular and critically acclaimed titles and want to join the discussion, feel free to jump in!
A tale of marriage, child-rearing, and vaginas that eat people.
A man is arrested in the middle of the night. He doesn’t know why. He doesn’t remember committing any crime. The cops drop him off in a small community in the middle of the woods where a wedding is about to begin. It is his wedding. He doesn’t recognize the bride, but she’s allegedly pregnant with his children. All twelve of them. And by law, he must marry her or go to prison for the next two decades.
But who is this strange woman he is to spend the rest of his life with? She doesn’t seem quite human. Her expressions are cold and emotionless. Her movements are like that of a spider. She is Usagi, a creature who feeds on her human mate during pregnancy. Now this man has to find a way to terminate the marriage if he is to survive. But it’s not going to be easy. His friends, his family, and his country are all against him. They believe a father should be willing to give up anything for the sake of his family. Even his life.
Like Franz Kafka’s The Trial meets an erotic body horror version of The Blob, this darkly absurd tale is classic Mellick.
AVAILABLE AT AMAZON.COM
To finish off 2011 and usher in 2012 right, Eraserhead Press has released three new books:
ARMADILLO FISTS by Carlton Mellick III
A weird-as-hell gangster story set in a world where people drive giant mechanical dinosaurs instead of cars.
Her name is Psycho June Howard, aka Armadillo Fists, a woman who replaced both of her hands with living armadillos. She was once the most bloodthirsty fighter in the world of illegal underground boxing. But now she is on the run from a group of psychotic gangsters who believe she’s responsible for the death of their boss.
With the help of a stegosaurus driver named Mr. Fast Awesome–who thinks he is God’s gift to women even though he doesn’t have any arms or legs–June must do whatever it takes to escape her pursuers, even if she has to kill each and every one of them in the process.
Strange, engaging characters, breakneck pacing, and jam-packed with more brilliantly weird concepts than you’ll know what to do with–this is cult author Carlton Mellick III at his best.
Available at amazon.com
CLOCKWORK GIRL by Athena Villaverde
Urban fairy tales for the weird girl in all of us.
Athena Villaverde is a brave new voice in the world of offbeat young adult fiction. Like a combination of Francesca Lia Block, Charles de Lint, Kathe Koja, Tim Burton, and Hayao Miyazaki, her stories are cute, kinky, edgy, magical, provocative, and strange, full of poetic imagery and vicious sexuality. Clockwork Girl is a collection of three short bizarro novellas that make a perfect introduction to her unique style.
Cat Filigree is a caterpillar girl trapped in the ugly stages of metamorphosis, desperately waiting to be transformed into a butterfly. With her flaky skin and glazed eyes, she has become one of the least popular girls at her high school. Tormented daily by the popular lady bug girls and fig-beetle jocks, she hides away from the world, listening to Bauhaus records and reading Grant Morrison comics. She thinks she’s doomed to be alone forever, until she meets Lilith- a beautiful, punk rock, corset-wearing spider girl whom Cat falls madly in love with. But there’s a problem: because she’s a spider girl, Lilith has the tendency to kill and eat her lovers. And butterflies happen to be her favorite food.
Pichi was once a normal human girl. But now her skin is made of brass, her organs have been replaced by cogs and gears, and her heart must be wound up every day in order to stay alive. She is a clockwork girl. Like most children of poor families, she was sold to a toymaker, surgically transformed into a mechanical living doll, and given as a Christmas present to a rich little girl who was no longer satisfied with ordinary porcelain dolls. She has no memory of her past or even her real name. All she knows is that she’s in love with her new owner and wants to be with her forever. But what she doesn’t know is that little girls always outgrow their toys, eventually.
Her skin is made of honeycomb. She smells of baked oranges and is dripping with amber- colored honey. Living bees swarm around her like miniature lovers and crawl through her hair as she dances. She is Maya, the queen of the tango; the sexiest, most powerful dancer in town. Every man in the tango community longs to dance with Maya, but very few dare to try. You see, Maya’s skin is a living beehive. And if a man attempts to dance with her who lacks the proper amount of talent and grace, he will get stung . . . perhaps even stung to death.
Available at amazon.com
GARGOYLE GIRLS OF SPIDER ISLAND by Cameron Pierce
A bizarro twist on island horror stories such as Dagon, Zombi 2, and Brian Keene’s Castaways.
Four college seniors venture out into open waters for the tropical party weekend of a lifetime. Instead of a teenage sex fantasy, they find themselves in a nightmare of pirates, sharks, and sex-crazed monsters.
Oscar shouldn’t have stolen his stepdad’s boat, but he wanted to impress Colette, who he has been pining after since their freshman year. This vacation was the perfect time to let the romantic sparks fly. With his best friend Allen (and Colette’s friend, Jane, the bitch) tagging along, Oscar saw no way this trip could possibly suck. His hopes die when they are hijacked by pirates. Then their boat sinks and someone gets eaten by a shark. Finally, stranded on a tropical island with an endless supply of rum, Oscar believes their epic weekend can finally begin. But the island is populated by a savage race of beautiful women. When night falls, these women transform into grotesque monsters unlike anything ever seen in fiction.
Pulp horror with a heart, Gargoyle Girls of Spider Island is the most deranged island horror story ever told.
Here are the ten finalists voted on by readers for Bizarro Central’s story of the year contest. You have until December 30th to cast your final vote. Please email your vote to firstname.lastname@example.org. The winner will be announced on January 1st.
Artichoke by Kirsten Alene(from Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens #10)
Surf Grizzlies by David W. Barbee (from Unicorn Knife Fight)
Death and the Great Mechanico by Mykle Hansen (from Hooray for Death)
Laws of Virulence by Jeremy Robert Johnson (from We Live Inside You)
Unfruitful Works by Jordan Krall (from Unfruitful Works and Personal Horrors)
I Am Genghis Cum by Violet LeVoit (from I Am Genghis Cum)
Ear Cat by Carlton Mellick III (from Fantastic Orgy)
No Children by Cameron Pierce (from Abortion Arcade)
The Driver’s Guide to Hitting Pedestrians by Andersen Prunty (from The Driver’s Guide to Hitting Pedestrians)
Glory Holes by Gary Lee Vincent (from The Big Book of Bizarro)
Sparkly vampires are at war against everybody’s favorite squid god. It’s up to you to decide the outcome. Cast your vote in the comments section to determine the evilest monster of all time.
Sparkly vampires: They’ll destroy Cthulhu with lip gloss and feminine anxiety.
Sparkly vampires: H.P. Lovecraft was a hack.
Cthulhu: Clearly, he is a more powerful dark wizard than Edward.
Cthulhu: Stephanie Meyer is a hack.
Nobody. They’ll kill each other after a long, bloody battle.
Nobody. They’ll realize that they’re both just sexually repressed and leave the battle feeling “not man enough.”
Other: Devise your own outcome for the greatest monster battle of our time!
Cast your vote in the comments section on this post!
Every voter will be entered into a raffle to win a special vampire/Lovecraftian package, which will include a Cthulhu Santa t-shirt, The Selected Fiction of Henry James (signed by Re-Animator director STUART GORDON), The Book of Cthulhu edited by Ross Lockhart, a bootlegged copy of every Twilight film, The Orange Eats Creeps by Grace Krilanovich, and more.
The winning monster (as well as the raffle winner) will be announced at Bizarro Central on December 26th.
And if that’s not enough vampire/Cthulhu action for you, be sure to pick up Cthulhu Comes to the Vampire Kingdom by Cameron Pierce, an apocalyptic horror comedy about the pitfalls that occur when Cthulhu invades a town of teen vampires.
At BizarroCon, the winners of the Wonderland Book Award were announced. Congratulations to the winners and all of the finalists. This year’s winners are:
BEST NOVEL OF 2010: By the Time We Leave Here, We’ll Be Friends by J. David Osborne
Siberia, 1953. Stalin is dead and a once-prosperous thief named Alek Karriker is feeling the pressure. Trapped in an icy prison camp where violent criminals run the show, betrayed by his friends and his body, Karriker is surrounded by death and disorder. Bizarre Inuit shamans are issuing ever-stranger commands that he must obey. Opium is running scarce and bad magic is plentiful. Razor-tooth gangsters can smell Karriker’s blood and they plan to murder him more than once. The only option: ESCAPE.
Enlisting the aid of an aging guard, a cold-blooded killer, and a beautiful, murderous nurse, Karriker must now secure his getaway by finding a “calf”: a gullible prisoner to be cannibalized when the tundra is at its most barren. As the vice grows tighter and life in the gulag becomes increasingly surreal, Karriker must hurry to find his mark and convince him…
BY THE TIME WE LEAVE HERE, WE’LL BE FRIENDS
BEST COLLECTION OF 2010: Lost in Cat Brain Land by Cameron Pierce
A fascist mustache. A desert inside a dead cat. The ghost of Franz Kafka. Primordial entities mourn the death of their child. The desperate serve tea to mysterious creatures. A hopeless romantic falls in love with a pterodactyl.
From a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles where robotic gargoyles are law, to a blighted suburbia where the elephant god Ganesh seeks revenge on a man and his android wife, Cat Brain Land is a place of domestic despair and nightmare foreboding. Where sirloin steaks enroll in daycare and ex-lovers return as tiny dolls. This is a land of camel people and the Lord of Meat. The farther into Cat Brain Land you get, the more difficult it will be to get out.