The cult section of the literary world

Halloween Chaos Countdown: #Caturday & What to Eat During the Apocalypse

19 days until Halloween!

Fridays in Bangkok are tough because I binge drink so I skipped a countdown post. You probably didn’t even notice but to make up for it I’ll actually do more than just photodump.

First off, happy Caturday!

Salvador_Dali_

1379828_588206771237326_1183904962_n black fuzzy cat

cat eat

cat mummy

cat vamp ghoulies-cats-eyes house

salem

Now what to eat during the apocalypse!

Ok so it depends on what kind of apocalypse we’re talking about. Whether it’s zombies, nuclear warfare, super virus, or robots, there will be some survivors and you’re going to need to stuff your meatshell with something while running away from rotting zombie robot killing machines that spew agent orange. So here are your choices for food:

1) Let’s start with the obvious. Canned goods, especially Spam. That shit lasts forever and you don’t need to heat it up. I’m going to assume that cooking your food will be difficult or next to impossible because you might need that gas or fire for other things like warding off giant rabid radioactive zombie rats. Also canned beans can last up to 30 years and have a lot of necessary protein, iron, and other vitamins and it’s vegan! I’m going the canned bean route.

spam

2) WATER! If you don’t have a water supply you are so fucked. The first thing you should do is get as much water as apocalypticly possible. Speaking from experience, during the floods in Thailand 2 years ago, there was no water in any of the convenience stores or markets and as a water fiend I thought I was going to die. I’m crazy about water. I have to have a bottle or glass of water next to me at all times. There was still tap water and it’s drinkable but tap water tastes like shit. If you’re in the desert, you can make your own water:

Also electrolyte powder packets to prevent and help with dehydration are great. Your water supply will last longer if you mix some of that in.  They sell them at 7-11 here since it’s so damn hot and everyone drinks a lot of alcohol here. It’s great for hangovers.

hangover cat

3) Which leads me to BOOZE! Booze lasts forever and will help you deal with the stress of the world about to end. Also if you get cut up, bitten, shot, or need something amputated, it’s a great antiseptic and pain reliever.

4) Roaches, rats, and any other insects. Fuck, vegans are really going to have a hard time during the apocalypse.  Roaches and rats can survive anything, including high levels of radiation so they will definitely be around to keep you company during the apocalypse.

Roseburg, Oregon, USA. 24th January 2013.  A pair of cockroaches pause while scurrying over a glass surface in a downtown Roseburg business. Disliked universally for their offensive odor cockroaches are also know to carry potentially dangerous diseases an

5) Instant noodles. Ramen, Cup O Noodles, etc. There are variations of instant noodles all over the world so this is probably going to be the easiest and cheapest food item to acquire.  As mentioned in #2, you’re going to want to save your water so you can eat these straight from the package. Also these are vegan if you don’t eat the little chemical flavor packets that come with the dried noodles. Since those are full of sodium and you want to stay hydrated, you should probably stay away from the flavor packets anyway. Dried noodles aren’t very filling but a good snack that kids here in Thailand enjoy and if you’re starving, you’ll be thankful to have them around.

instant ramen aisle ktown

6) McDonald’s. So far the only healthy apocalyptic food are the canned beans and roaches but just like dried noodles, McDonald’s food is full of so much chemical crap that their food doesn’t decay. Plus McDonald’s is all over the planet so it should be easy to locate one near you to break in and raid their shitty food.

happy-meal-day-137

7) Astronaut/freeze dried food. Astronaut ice-cream and freeze dried strawberries are the easiest astronaut foods to acquire since they are sold as novelties everywhere and here in Thailand they sell a lot of freeze dried fruit. You can order some astronaut food online. If it’s good enough to keep astronauts alive while they’re out in motherfuckin’ space, it should be good enough to nourish you during the apocalypse. The problem is the inconvenience of getting it. You should probably start dating someone from NASA and get some boxes of astro-food in exchange for sex. Here’s a great article about what astronauts like to eat.

shrimp_nasa-thumb-570x503-118485

8) Lab meat. I don’t know if this will be easily available by the time there’s an apocalypse but if it is this might be the best choice. It will have all the nutrients you need and I’m sure scientists will make sure it lasts long and will not need to be cooked or else it will be useless.

;ab meat

9) Cannibalism. As you may have learned from my cannibalism post a few days ago, people can eat other people and during times when people need to eat to survive and there isn’t any food, resorting to cannibalism is the obvious choice. This will not work if there’s a zombie/super virus outbreak because then you’ll catch whatever crazy shit the corpse has and die or become a zombie.

zombie family

I’ll leave you with one last bit of advice if there ever is an apocalypse. Team up with someone who plays a lot of video games because they will be super prepared due to years of simulated practice. I don’t play video games so I need to find some friends nearby who do!

2 responses

  1. For f**k’s sake, the “McDonald’s food is full of so much chemical crap that their food doesn’t decay.” bull urban legend has been debunked FOREVER. It just dries out, because the portion size is small.

    At least do 30 seconds worth of research first: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=mcdonalds+food+doesn%27t+decay

    October 12, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    • I obviously did do research and even linked to an article where a burger from 1999 looked the same. McDonald’s “food” has an unusually long shelf life and even when dried out it is still edible. Anyway this is a Bizarro post, meant purely for entertainment, you don’t need to be rude.

      October 12, 2013 at 8:50 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 794 other followers