Rico Slade reviews Survivor: Philippines (Episode 13: “Damn, Man. Those Sweat Pants. Damn.”)

Tonight’s review is brought to you by Rico Slade, who Bradley Sands wrote a book about.

What up? Rico Slade here with a review of last week’s episode of Survivor. I know last night was the season finale, but I don’t give a crap.  You gotta earn a review of the season finale, and you didn’t earn that shit, so you’re gonna just have to read a review of the second to last episode and like it. Or else I’m gonna punch you in the face like I did with this giant Adolf Hitler baby.

I’ve never seen an episode of this show before. I’m a freaking survivor, why do I gotta watch this shit on TV? Like if I wanted to watch a survivor I’d turn on the news and see a hot chick doing a story about my survival tactics: stomping on the dicks of whatever dude gets in the way of me and my Bud Light. Cause humanity can’t last more than 3 hours without shotgunning a cold one.

So I’m watching the opening credits that show all the wimps of the show. And it shows this chick

And I’m all like, holy crap! I banged her in the eighties and she was tasty. But damn! She got old and ugly and shit. And then after the credits are over it shows her again.

What the crap? Don’t remember her being a black lady.

And there’s this chick Abi-Maria who has a really sweet pair of sweat pants cause it makes her ass look as freaking hot as a million dollars. And she’s all like “I didn’t come here to feel bad for people. I came here to win a million dollars.” Which is a pretty awesome strategy, you know? The people who came to the island place cause they want to feel bad for people are gonna lose. There’s no time for feeling bad for people when you’re busy drop-kicking bad dudes in the face.

So the contestants do this physical challenge where they gotta climb shit and . Winner gets a chopper ride to a secret location where they eat pizza. Pretty sweet deal. So this dude named Stupid wins and gets to invite two other people along for the ride. He doesn’t invite the sweat pants chick and she’s all heartbroken about it cause she really likes pizza, which I totally understand cause pizza is da bomb. I’ll admit it cause I’m comfortable with my masculinity: This shit is really sad.

Anyway, this show ain’t half bad cause everybody is shit talking each other when they’re not around, which is kinda cool, and it goes back and forth between shit talking and scenes with the shit talkers being nice to the people who are getting shit on. Which is totally thought provoking cause it provoked thoughts. In my head.

And the episode ends with the contestant people voting who gets kicked off the show. And everyone was scheming to vote some sex therapist off who sex addicts probably go to so her face can turn them off from sex forever. But then the chick with the sexy pants is like, “Stupid, you’re so stupid! A dumb stupid moron dumby head!” Which pisses everyone off and confuses the hell out of me since why is it such a big thing to tell that to a guy named Stupid? So they get pissed and vote her off, guaranteeing there’s no way in fuck I’m watching the finale.

For more TV reviews, go here.