The cult section of the literary world

TWO WALRUSIAN WORD PROBLEMS

Time to brush up on your math skills:

(1) Mary has 1/3rd of 24% of an adult male walrus. Paul has 2/4th of 165% of a similar specimen. Would these two fruitcakes have enough walrus parts to make an entire animal?

(2) If Carlos dropped a 1.5 ton walrus from atop a 30 meter building, and Helen dropped a 1 ton walrus from atop a 40 meter building three seconds later, would these two walruses crash into pedestrians and hotdog carts below at the same time?

You may answer these questions in the comments section.

4 responses

  1. 1) No, you’re 9.5% short.

    2) Assuming that we leave out air resistance, and since the weight of a falling object only affects velocity in relation to air resistance, and since the two walruses will accelerate at roughly the same rate, the answer is no.

    August 7, 2012 at 2:37 pm

  2. 1. You could theoretically create a walrus without its beautiful tusks, but then you would be forced to ask the perennial question that has plagued man for centuries, if not millenia: Is a walrus still a walrus without its tusks?

    Leading you into deep and murky philosophical waters where it would be of a huge benefit to have said absent tusks: both to aid you in getting your point across, and also, should the need arise, to use as a bartering chip as I hear the economy down there isn’t doing so well.

    Ultimately then, your question should really be: What would I be willing to sacrifice of myself in order to create a perfect walrus specimen, supposing I was 9.5% short of material?

    The answer may just reveal to you your deepest and most profound values regarding life, existence, and walri.

    2. Unfortunately the answer to this experiment can never be known, as when 2.5 tons of walrus is dropped from buildings (anywhere in the known universe) within a 5 second time frame a phenomenon known as Schrodinger’s Walrus occurs:

    The walrus in question is suspended in a liquid state, commonly known as ‘probability water’, where it is unsure as to whether it is falling or rising.

    Though not fully understood, it is believed to be caused by a sharp change in priorities and an innate survival instinct in the walruses whereby they suspend reality in order not to splat into a fine paste on the sidewalk below.

    It is poorly understood why it must be 2.5 tons of walrus, and only when divided between two walruses where one must weigh over 1 ton, though it seems there is some leeway in exact weights required for the phenomenon to occur.

    There is an alternative theory put forward by M. Kupret, who suggests that in actuality, the true state of a walrus is liquid form and its more common solid form is actually the result of a curse put on walrus kind a thousand years ago by a jealous seal who learned the mystic art of hexing and cursing in Atlantis shortly before the tragedy that befell the city. By tossing the walruses off a building any would be scientist is actually freeing them of the curse, thereby making them saviours of the walrus folk.

    Though this theory is not taken seriously in any peer reviewed journals, there is growing interest in it due to a gathering body of evidence that suggests seals do indeed get jealous of walruses.

    August 7, 2012 at 3:13 pm

  3. I like where this is going, and will say there’s truth to be found in both sets of answers. In fact, there are *millions* of answers to these two (seemingly simple) questions.

    Also glad to hear a reference to the work of M. Kupret. He’s a personal hero. I was expelled from many a university for just mentioning his name.

    August 7, 2012 at 3:50 pm

  4. And you had a question, Leaky Libido. You asked what I would be willing to sacrifice of myself to create a perfect walrus specimen.

    “Whatever I can give will never be enough.”

    That’s my answer.

    August 7, 2012 at 3:51 pm

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