Flash Fiction Friday: Man and His Maker
by Bradley Sands
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Here is a lovely little sneak-peek from Amazing Stories of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which will be released by Eraserhead Press in early October.
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The Flying Spaghetti Monster flies into a bar. He is very tired from creating the Earth. All he wants is a drink to help him relax.
Unfortunately, the Flying Spaghetti Monster did not create a bartender to operate the bar. Fortunately, he built the bar underneath a beer volcano.
He sits on a bar stool, points a giant twisty straw into the air, and sips a quantity of beer that surpasses a single drink. It surpasses all the beer that people have drunk throughout the entirety of history. But this is not a difficult feat considering only a small quantity of history has passed since the Flying Spaghetti Monster finished creating the Earth ten minutes ago. Nevertheless, he has still drunk an excessive amount of beer.
By the time the Flying Spaghetti Monster finishes drinking an excessive amount of beer, he is so drunk that he creates Earth’s second bar stool so Earth’s first bar stool will feel less lonely and perhaps have someone to get romantic with. But the Flying Spaghetti Monster is too drunk to remember to give the Earth’s first two bar stools the ability to feel loneliness and romance. The inactivity of the two bar stools frustrates him. He totally flips out and creates someone with the ability to feel loneliness and romance.
A midget who the Flying Spaghetti Monster has named Man sits down on the Earth’s second bar stool. Although he has the ability to feel loneliness and romance, he does not feel any of these emotions at the present time. It is impossible for a midget to experience loneliness while he is sitting next to a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It is impossible for a midget to experience romance when there is no one around to feel romantic about. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is disappointed by his creation’s lack of emotions. The midget named Man is indifferent to his lack of emotions considering he is unaware of the potential for their existence. The Flying Spaghetti Monster thinks the midget named Man might feel sad about feeling empty inside, so he passes him his giant twisty straw.
The midget named Man looks at the Flying Spaghetti Monster, confused, for he does not know what to do with the giant twisty straw. The Flying Spaghetti Monster takes the giant twisty straw back from the midget named Man, puts it underneath the beer volcano, and shows his creation how to sip beer. He passes the straw back to the midget, who sips a quantity of beer that surpasses a single drink but does not surpass the quantity of beer that the Flying Spaghetti Monster drank previous to creating the midget and Earth’s second stool.
The midget named Man becomes extremely inebriated and makes the Flying Spaghetti Monster laugh with his drunken antics. Thus not only is the midget named Man the Earth’s first midget, but he is also the first drunken midget in the history of the Earth. The Flying Spaghetti Monster laughs some more at Man’s antics.
Later, after further drinking, the Flying Spaghetti Monster will create more midgets. Taller midgets that do not share the same name as Man. And he will decree that taller drunken midgets shall never be funnier than shorter drunken midgets. But at this moment in time, there is only Man, his monstrous maker, and the midget’s drunken, hilarious impression of a monster who flies and is made out of spaghetti.
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Bradley Sands is the author of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You, Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, It Came From Below the Belt, and the forthcoming novella collection, Please Do Not Shoot Me in the Face.
