The Finest Sequel in the History of Cinema

by Bradley Sands

On the rare occasion when I have to leave my apartment for the task of getting toilet paper, I am often accosted by people on the street who ask my opinion in regard to the greatest movie sequel in the history of the world. After I fail to utter, “The Godfather Part 2, their heads boil like a tea kettle before exploding all over the sidewalk in gooey chunks and mucus-like strands.

I am here to tell you about the greatest sequel in the history of the world. If you fear the explosion of your head, I suggest you skip this entry and read something less hazardous to your cranium on HTML GIANT.

Two words…and a number: Cruel Intentions 2.

On Saturday, February 21, 2009, I had my first exposure to this cinematic masterpiece. Upon finishing its final magnificent scene, I rushed to my computer and composed a highly cerebral blog entry.

If you are too lackadaisical to click on my link, I will summarize it for you: The entry’s title is “Cruel Intentions 2.” Its content is “I just watched this movie and it may be the greatest bad movie that I have ever seen.”

Originally, I had planned to convince you that it is the greatest bad movie of this modern age—which such unwatchable detritus as The Room, Birdemic, and Tokyo Gore Police, the age of the movie that is so bad it’s good is long past although there are a few rare exceptions like Frank Miller’s The Spirit and Troll 2—yet upon rewatching Cruel Intentions 2 for this very review a few days ago, I realized it was NOT a bad movie. Instead, it was a VERY VERY good movie.

Featuring the Academy Award nominated (for Best Supporting Actress) talents of Amy Adams as the character who Sarah Michelle Gellar portrayed (and failed to soar nearly as high) in the first movie, Cruel Intentions 2 may be the most inconsistent movie in cinematic history, thereby rendering it a surrealist’s dream. The tone of the scenes change from slapstick to seriousness, the actors succeed at playing infinite different versions of their characters. Sometimes it resembles a television show that you can watch with the entire family while at other times it fades into a scene where some of its characters are naked in a gigantic shower and the protagonist ogles a pair of identical twins while the sisters stick their tongues down each other’s throats.

Another scene will remind you of Dawson’s Creek as non-diegetic Dawson’s Creek-like music is played in the background while the protagonist and his virginal love interest get to know each other by walking hand in hand down the street of a charming town. Suddenly, the protagonist will embrace his sweetheart’s breasts, causing her to question if they’re going a little too fast. Then she blurts out, “At this rate, your dick will be in my mouth by lunch.”

I once described this piece de resistance as a film of schizophrenia, but author Jeremy Robert Johnson—referring to himself as expert of psychology due to the PhD he purchased via the Internet through Zimbabwe’s prestige Ozford University for twenty dollars—corrected my misconception and proclaimed the film to be a treatise on dissociative identity disorder.

Like Lynch’s Mulholland Drive, Cruel Intentions 2 was originally intended to be a television show. And like Mulholland Drive, we can all count ourselves lucky that the network didn’t pick it up. If so, this treasure would have been lost to the world. The film is director Roger Kumble’s magnum opus. Perhaps you are familiar with his other work such as Furry Vengeance and Cruel Intentions 1, which greatly surpasses the film, Dangerous Liaisons—upon which it is based if you deny the existence of literature—if you are of fourteen years of age.

Do not deny yourself this glorious film. As a gift to yourself, revel in some illustrious quotations from it.

And never, ever watch Cruel Intentions 3. It is a showcase of mediocrity.

Bradley Sands is the author of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You, Sorry I Ruined Your Orgy, and My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes! He edits Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens.