Only a cenobite can making eating a pizza look fucking metal. The Hellraiser films are an essential part of any Halloween horror film marathon. My favorite is Hellbound Hellraiser.
More pics at The Hellbound Web.
It’s that magical time of year again! And yes, Halloween is still awesome. Just like this Japanese zombie lolita metal music video:
To get you lubed up for the most fucking awesome holiday ever, here is the latest Cyriak short.
This beautifully fucked up music video from the aptly named Insane Films, should get you in the spooky spirit!
Enjoy these haunting gifs were created by Kevin Weir for his project, The Flux Machine.
Until next time Bizarros. Please feel free to post your favorite horror films, songs, art, and pictures of any cool Halloween stuff you see in your neck of the woods.
by Harbor Rungwarty
The vet’s waiting room was carpeted in a color that would hide poop and vomit stains easily. It clashed noticeably with my shoes, but I did not let this disturb me. Chim-cham, my faithful Senegalese, had been off his feed for nearly a week. I was getting very worried.
“He’s very handsome,” the woman sitting next to me said, nodding at Chim-cham. She was wearing odd white sandals and a flimsy sun dress, and was probably in her mid-thirties. A very fat gray cat sat on her lap purring.
“Thank you,” I said.
“What’s his name?”
“Oh how cute! He looks just like a Chim-cham.”
“And who is your lit—uh, your friend, there.”
“This,” she said, raising the huge ball of fur up so that it stood on its hind legs, “is Pablo Neruda. I named him after a famous poet. He’s my little poet, isn’t he? Mwuhmuh-bahbah.” She continued to mewl incoherently in the cat’s ear. The cat pleaded with me with its eyes, asking for rescue. But it was simply too rotund to make an escape on its own.
“He’s a very big boy,” I said.
“Yes,” the woman said, furrowing her brow. “The doctor put him on a diet about a month ago.”
“Oh, and it’s not working?” I said, trying to sound compassionate rather than judgmental.
“It is and it isn’t.” She shook the kitty from side to side to make it look like it was dancing.
“I’m not familiar with diets that both work and do not work at the same time.”
The woman stared off, out the window at the front of the room. She stuck out her bottom lip, sucked her teeth. “Well… I’m losing my cat’s weight.”
“How do you mean?”
“I mean, I’m feeding him less. Lower calorie stuff, healthy stuff the doctor recommended. But Pablo Neruda is not losing the weight. I am.”
“That can’t be right,” I said. “Are… are you serious?”
“I’ve lost seventeen pounds since he’s been on the diet.”
“That could be any number of things. Are you eating as much as usual? Are you ill?”
“I thought of all the possibilities. It didn’t matter how much I ate; I was still shedding pounds. But to test the theory, I started to feed him like I used to, and I started gaining weight back. I don’t know of a type of cancer or tapeworm that responds when you feed your cat—do you?”
“It’s unheard of,” I said, truly at a loss.
“You’ve heard of it now, though. Isn’t that right, Pablo Neruda? Yes it is!” She kissed the cat aggressively as it tried to worm free of her grasp.
“What are you going to tell the vet?”
“Oh, I already talked with him on the phone earlier. We’ve agreed that renting out Pablo Neruda to people who want to lose weight seems like a really good business model. We only need to verify that his new ‘owners’ will be losing the weight instead of me. Yes, that’s right, Pablo Newuda. Mummy gonna sell you to stwangers, yesh she ish!”
The nurse called out, “Mrs. Tressant? Come on back.”
The woman stood, hefting the fat cat over one shoulder. “Nice chatting with you,” she said, then followed the nurse back to the exam room.
Chim-cham shook his head.
“What?” I asked him.
“That muthafuckin’ cat stole my idea!” he said.
“Language, Chim-cham,” I chided.
“I was trying to drop a few pounds off your fat ass so you wouldn’t be hoggin’ up the whole damn bed at night! But that cat done beat me to it.”
I considered what he’d said for a minute. My clothes were fitting more loosely in the recent days.
“You are making me lose weight?” I asked, still incredulous.
“Shit, I hope that’s not something you can patent. If that fuckin’ Pablo Neruda gets the rights to this whole weight loss thing, I ain’t never gonna get a decent night’s sleep. Not with your big butt pushin’ me off the edge when you roll over.”
“Oh, now, Chim-cham, you have to let all that anger go. You aren’t getting any patents.”
“iPhone ripped me off! I came up with that shit!”
“No one is going to believe that a Senegalese invented something as intricate and awesome as the iPhone. You know that.”
“I just wish we would have gone to court,” he said. He rested his head on my lap. And I sang him his favorite lullaby while I lost another pound.
Harbor Rungwarty is the most beautiful woman you will never see. She was born out of the ocean foam when it dried on a butterfly’s wings. In truth, she hates pets, but don’t tell that to Chaka, her Senegalese.
by Bob Freville
They’re spilling out on to the rickety termite-ridden runway. Woo daddy! We can see them lumbering out now! Oh yes! Those adorable little gals! Our bright shining stars of the tomorrows that may never come!
Yep, ladies and gentlemen! They’re a sight for sore, empty eye sockets fer sure!
Why, if this were the old days, before the blast leveled our entire infrastructure, why, I’d say you could bet yer bottom dollar that one of these girls is gonna be a princess one day!
Yes, you guessed it! It’s the second annual Miss Residuum Post-Apocalyptic Beauty Pageant, my dears!
And you can bet your meat rations that anticipation is high right now as the pageant judges, the Four Freds of the Post-Apocalypse—Rogers, Gwynne, Savage and Durst—clear their phlegmatic throats and slobber all over themselves, awaiting the young ladies.
And here they are, in our dimly-lit barroom, as Mr. Rogers gropes himself til he’s bloody and leers at nothing in particular and what’s that? Oh yes! Savage grins zealously and sticks a hypo in his empty eye socket. Yowzers! And we’re off to the races!
Every contestant has filed in now, powdered and primped all! They sure are adorable in their charred pageant wear. Banana satin bleached by the scorching sun, organza eaten away by age and radiation, ruffled carnation crumpled and withered by rain and heat, but every one of the petite princesses inhabiting them just utterly darling!
To the left of the stage you can see Lil Ms. Lilith Puck, fourteen, of Hell Broth Province, spittle curdling on what’s left of her dangling mandible. Weighing in at a bone-crunchingly svelte sixty-one pounds, Lilith is a leper who is blind in one eye. But she’s a visionary when it comes to capturing our hearts!
Beside her sits Orca Gibbons, eighteen with the morbid obesity of a woman at least five times her age. Immobile but immaculate in her cobalt steel electric wheelchair, Orca is, pound for pound, the prettiest BBW here and smart to boot! Just ask her parents who died in the nuke fallout two years ago. They would’ve told you, young Orca has an IQ that’s nearly as high as what registers when you roll her on to a scale!
In the middle here we have the lovely Lonnie Licorice in her lavender and mold colored costume that brings out the natural sheen of the chains secured to her wrists and ankles. Despite her living dead status, I’m told she prides herself on dental hygiene and one glance at those great big pearly white chompers tells me it’s true! Just look at her smile as she gnashes at the air! Darling! Simply darling!
Next we’ve got Fantasia Brillo! Sixteen, silly hot and fresh from a spinal tap, Fantasia is wearing a twinkling tiara that tells us she’s either preparing to win the crown…or wants desperately to hide her lobotomy scars! Either way, it’s a delight to watch her sashay around…and around…and around, until she dry heaves and her eyes roll up in her head.
Oops! Down she goes! Unfortunately Fantasia will no longer be competing, as her wounds seem to have split open upon impact with the band stand.
But there’s still the alluring, the attractive and the down-right abrasive Penny Pigtails. We’re told she’s a real cunt and that can only mean one thing. DIVA!!! Oh yes, this four-foot and two inch tall li’l tinkerbell is a real heart-breaker, folks. And if I didn’t know better, I’d say she was going to win this thing!
The stage is littered in mutants of every stripe and sexual persuasion, from skin-headed unicycle-riding cyborg Sybian riders in frumpy lace to zombie bitches in bustiers, their decaying flesh flanked by Christmas lights. But the front-runners are already clear at this year’s Miss Residuum Beauty Pageant—It’s Lilith, Orca, Lonnie and Penny Pigtails.
As the medics spirit Fantasia away…to the incinerator in the rear of the auditorium, a hush falls over the otherwise agonizingly aroused crowd.
A surprise understudy takes her place in a sopping wet swivel chair. It’s Susie Sliver, last year’s winner and yesterday’s dinner from the looks of her skeletal cadaver. She says nothing, but the rouge applied to her last surviving flap of face skin speaks a thousand words! Gorgeous!
Aaaaaaand SHOWTIME!!! The girls are squeezed into too-small swimsuits by men in purple surgical gloves and spun around so the Freds can see what they ate for breakfast. Lilith’s jaw comes completely unhinged and hits Savage in the side of his head.
Eww!! He blinks twice, either in disbelief or from a tic borne of radiation poisoning.
Lilith is eliminated from the contest on grounds of insolence. Her jaw is stomped into splinters by Fred Gwynne’s platform boot. It is not returned to her.
Next up we have the elegant evening attire. Just look at that Penny Pigtails, waving jazz hands at the brown stain on the front of her gown! A true sibyl, this one! The frothy-mouthed mutants groan in abject disappointment as she and Orca fight for attention, throwing out their hips in the process.
It would seem Penny is about to be eliminated by the judges by way of an infrared sniping, but wait! Penny jumps up and down, throwing a temper tantrum and, O Cod! O Cod! Yes, Lonnie mistakes Penny’s furtive movements for those of a sizzling plate of sirloin and sinks her maw into little Penny’s throat.
The Freds raise solid nines as their grills are bathed in guano-hot arterial spray. It looks like ole “Zombie Lonnie” just might have this one in the bag!
The highlight of any beauty pageant here is always the pustules, my peasant pals!
That’s right! It’s the Miss Residuum pustule-eating contest! And all the girls are doing so well, sucking back their scabs and sores and even reaching over and consuming them off each other, that the Four Freds call a draw.
Now the real fun can begin in earnest. The girls are gonna get sweaty.
Lonnie looks mighty confused as the stage hands throw her a jump rope, but never mind that bitch, boys and girls!
Orca is out of her wheelchair now, struggling through eyes blinded by beads of sweat, and huffing and puffing toward the spotlight. She’s got something in her hands, something she’s dragging along the ground.
Yes! It’s her colostomy bag! Yes! And she’s using it to skip rope! Wow! Don’t that just beat all?
Look at her go! I haven’t seen a mastodon jump that high since the Nazis electrocuted them in World War II propaganda footage! Woo!
The Freds are about ready to make a judgment call here.
Yes, they’ve just removed their hands from their trousers and are ready to announce the winners.
And the Jon Bonet Ramsey Runner-Up Award goes to Suzie Sliver, for really giving it her all despite her obvious immobility! Give ‘er a hand, folks. Hers don’t work after all. Awwwwwww!
And the winner of the Second Annual Miss Residuum Beauty Pageant iiiiiiis…Orca Gibbons!
She wheels herself to center stage as Suzie Sliver stares off vacantly. A spider skitters across the spotlight overhead and somewhere an Andalusian eye is slit straight down the middle. The night is young, but the time has come.
As the ribbon is strapped to her substantial midsection, a commotion is heard off camera. What is this we’re hearing? Aww, look at them trying to shove twenty pounds of shit into a ten pound bag with that tiara. What? Huh? Oh no!
O my Cod! If you’re listening at home, this just in! As Orca attempted to accept her flowers without wheezing, gunfire echoed out in the room and four hundred stone of Second Annual Miss Residuum winner Orca Gibbons went flying back, dismantling the stage as bullets riddled her in her gargantuan chest.
It…it appears as though we are under attack by militant feminist lycanthropes who smelled the fresh blood of poor Fantasia and found where we were by snout. What’s this?
I’m sorry, I’m having trouble hearing anything over the explosions of tee-ee-hee-hear gas.
What’s this…ah…okay. Okay, it seems the lesbian lycanthropes have come to reclaim the crown. The leader says she and her sisters are the true Miss Residuums, having fought on the front lines in the battle against the Radioactive Ones.
O Cod! They’re threatening to level the building. And they’re DOING IT!!!!
I’m sorry, ladies and genitals. I will have to cut this one short due to the technical difficulty of losing part of my skull to mortar fire. You will have to excuse me while I crouch down even further to locate my gray matter.
Well, thish hash blin duh Shecond Annool Mish Rowowowaaaaahg, and I’m…plowed to…ablouse dat…thliss beer’s vinner, bry default, ick Miss Shoegee Shliver.
Take a bow, Shoegee.
Shoegee shez nothing. And neither can I.
Bob Freville is a part-time tool salesman and full-time writer from Long Island, New York. He has written for Creem Magazine, Bust Down The Door & Eat All The Chickens, LongIslandPress.com and others. He is currently at work on several novellas and at least one gnome farm. He begs your pardon, but he never promised you a rose garden.
by Justin Grimbol
Gwen saw two beached whales and became so excited she started jumping up and down.
“Mom? Dad?” she called out to them.
The whales looked at her.
“You’ve come back for me!” she yelled.
She ran up to them.
She tried to hug them but they were too big. Her human arms couldn’t reach around that big fat whale bodies.
“I always knew you would come back,” she kept saying.
She told them about her life. It was a long story. There were lots of boring parts.
“I’m just so glad you are here,” she said.
She tried to hug them again. They were still too big. Her arms were still too human.
It was a hot day. Her parents looked thirsty.
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll get you some water.”
She walked back to the parking lot and got in her Saab and headed toward Easthampton.
“WHERE THE FUCK CAN I BUY WATER?” she screamed.
The movie theatre had just opened. They sold lots of stuff there. They had hot dogs and soda and popcorn and all sorts of candy. She decided to get them Diet Pepsi. Diet Pepsi was healthier and her parents were fat. Way too fat.
But, in order to get inside she had to buy a movie ticket.
She bought a ticket to Rocky XXII.
At first she had no actually interest in watching the movie. She just wanted access to buy some diet soda for her parents. But the idea of buying a movie ticket and not seeing the movie felt wasteful to her. So she watched the movie.
It was really good. Rocky had a bunch of grandkids and he yelled at them a lot. He told them about discipline and perseverance, and, for some reason, watching this made Gwen really emotional. She cried a little.
Then she thought about her parents and how much she missed them, and she cried some more.
After the movie she bought as much diet soda as she could carry.
She put the sodas in the trunk of her car and started driving toward the beach.
The beach felt really far away.
And driving was just so hard sometimes.
By the time she finally got there it was night.
She gathered up all the sodas from her trunk and headed to the beach.
“MOM! DAD! I BOUGHT YOU DIET SODA!” she yelled.
The two whales smelled strange and didn’t breathe much.
She poured the sodas on them.
“Isn’t it so good,” she said.
It had been a long day.
After feeding her parents all that soda, Gwen decided to take a nap, using one of their fins as a blanket.
When she woke up she noticed that they weren’t breathing at all.
And they smelled really bad.
“Mom? Dad? Please wake up?”
She ran at them. She hurled her body on theirs.
She begged them to wake up.
And she cried.
She hit them and clawed at them and begged them to come back to life. But they didn’t listen.
The sun was rising.
The waves were loud and comforting in all the wrong ways.
You’ve heard of Justin Grimbol. Google him or something.
by Bob Freville
He always loved to sniff things, to whiff things. He always dug fresh smells.
His first olfactory hallucination occurred in puberty.
He got it bad after graduation. Bands of cilia saturated in what looked like rotting corpses but smelled like strips of cotton candy.
Years had passed without a one, but he still went smelling everyone. Salty. Snotty like almond custard. Heady, musty face fucks, stinging the bridge. That smell you get with a chest infection, chicken soup and nutty mucous. Sniffing the jissom on movie theater floors or the ammonia scent of urine in bathroom stalls.
He sniffed and whiffed up and down the coast, always focused on his nose.
He’d gotten fucked plenty times before, despite this preoccupation. Mostly impressionable girls with nasal fetishes, the type of flat-backers who gave discounts to dudes with dong-size shnozzes.
But no bitch meant a good goddamn compared to the thrill of smelling. He couldn’t help himself.
He never had tolerance for the simple skullfuckery that seemed to come with relationships, possessed no patience for high maintenance possessions, had no drive to strive to afford some chick a necklace.
But then it happened. Random. Impossible. What was he wearing that day? Had he removed the pore strip from that morning’s scrubbing?
His nostrils flared out like the grill of a great big blow fish. His bloodshot blues on fire with the sight of her. Like an ocular eruption that resounded in his Eustachian tubes, goo renewed in his nasal passages.
After a lifetime of boring snatches of scent and bitches bland, the succubitch appeared all gorgeous and tanned. She wore brand-spanking new shoes with that new rubber snuff and that lemonade lip balm that he wanted to huff.
Her whole entire body radiated a musk that sent the Nosiest Man on a mission for muff.
Stumbling, bumbling, he pulled out all the stops to woo her and swoon her, stepping on his own toes in a complex of awkward gestures. His hands and arms flailed as he stupidly spat…Dollar Store pick-up lines & back-alley jokes.
“What’s the definition of trust, eh? …Give up? Two cannibals giving each other blow-jays.”
Cut to the fall-out. After weeks of stalking, he zeroes in, gets close.
It’s always the salad days in the beginning, but the omega comes on us quick.
She’s streaking through the garden in the center of his apartment complex, attempting to outrun the Nosy Man with the restraints in his hands—purple fetish tape in one, a pair of Vise Grips clutched in the other. And it really seems like she wants to get away.
She twists her delicate neck around in time to see him run up on her with the Vise Grips raised and yelling, “I can’t help myself!”
Her eyes zoom in on the putrid proboscis.
Match cut to: Int. The Nosiest Man’s Apt. – Late Night.
The crickets are rubbing their feelers together in the dark, cacophony of fucking on the edge of the moon-drenched onyx nightscape. And there he is, the nose, a sniffer getting his full snoot with Vise Grips clamped tight around the throat and “Pleasure Tape” secured firmly around taut flesh.
It’s the consummate moment in his beak’s adenoidal career, a whiff to end all whiffers. But he’s overzealous and inhales too hard and, the next thing he knows, she is gone. But to where? How did she get away and why is there a lavender rope dangling from his nostril?
No matter. The rope is sucked up right quick and the man is left to blink idiotically, standing dumb-founded over his water mattress, now coated in renegade sperm and snot.
His eyes roll up involuntarily when she goes to work. And in an instant He is no longer himself. Control is lost.
Olfactory nerves are nerves like any others. He learns this when she tugs on them from within. And suddenly, he has a powerful desire to go shopping.
In under twenty-four hours his bank account is drained, his credit is rendered non-existent, his landlord is fucked dry and his appliances multiply ten-fold. He no longer wants to snort anything but the finest fish-scale money can buy and powdering his nose doesn’t mean just that but, rather, a combination of concealer and rouge.
The purple rope is no longer visible, but it is there all the same, metaphorically wound round his neck. It’s got him by the short and curlies, willing him, walking him, sending him straight where it wants him to be.
She’s one booger he’ll never shake, never finger, never prove in a court of law. He is done for. Suck too hard and she’ll burrow in deeper and brain rape him. And from there she’ll head further until there’s nothing left. She uses his lobes to let him know this, so he’ll think twice before attempting to rattle her loose.
He knows better now than to use his nose for no good. He was a naughty boy with a nose fetish, but now he’s a crafty girl with an eye…an eye toward destruction.
Bob Freville is a writer from Long Island, a freelance writer of fourteen years, a former associate editor of Kotori Magazine, and the writer/director of the Troma vampire flick Hemo.