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Flash Fiction Friday: Super Fun Dance Time

by Brian Auspice

Hamstring lies in a hospital bed. Tubes feed out of his right arm into a large 1970’s mainframe computer. He watches his blood slowly get sucked through the plastic. The computer beeps. A nurse walks in. She places a stereo on a nearby table.

“The doctor will see you now,” she says. She opens a utility cabinet, squeezes herself in, and closes the door behind her.

The doctor enters the room. He grabs a clipboard hanging from the edge of the bed. He reads it over. His expression becomes grave.

“This isn’t good,” he shakes his head. “No, no. This. Is. Not. Good. Simply not good.”

“What is it, doctor?” Hamstring asks.

“Hamstring is such a shitty name,” the doctor replies. He throws the clipboard out the window. It bursts into flames on the way down to the parking lot. It lands on a bus full of nuns and causes an explosion.

“Injuries!” the doctor cheers. The stereo blares techno. The nurse jumps out of the utility cabinet and runs over to the doctor. They hug, make out, fist-pump, and dance. The song ends. They put their hands to their sides. The nurse adjusts her hair.

“I’ll check on that for you,” she says. She leaves the room.

The doctor turns to Hamstring, “Now, Hamstring.”

“Yes, doctor?”

“I’m not going to call you Hamstring,” the doctor continues. “It’s such a shitty name. Your parents should be beaten. Or you should’ve been aborted. One or both. I don’t know. I don’t care. From now on, you are Kazoo.”

“My name’s not Kazoo,” Hamstring replies. “It’s Hamstring.”

The doctor laughs.

“Kazoo…Kazoo, Kazoo, Kazoo,” the doctor begins. “Listen, I’m the most qualified doctor on the planet – the Universe, actually – I’ve taken several online courses over a six-week period. And! And. I have a Masters in Communication. I even got it through the mail. Trust me. I know what’s best. You. Are. Kazoo.”

The computer beeps. It spits out seven-thousand sheets of paper. The doctor picks up the top page and pulls out a magnifying glass.

“It says here,” the doctor peers through the lens. “It says here you have a sore throat.”

The doctor drops the magnifying glass and smashes it with his foot.

“You know what that means, Kazoo?” the doctor asks.

Hamstring glances around the room, “N-no…?”

“Sickness!” the doctor cheers. He shreds the paper into a million pieces and tosses it into the air like confetti. The stereo blares techno. The nurse runs in and has sex with the doctor. They bump and grind and writhe on the floor. Squares of paper stick to their sweaty bodies. The doctor climaxes. The music stops. They stand up, hands at their sides.

The nurse turns to Hamstring, “You have a visitor.”

She fixes her hair.

“Doctor,” she says, performing a pirouette.

The doctor smacks her bottom.

“I’m going to get a cup of coffee,” he says. They walk out of the room together, their clothes in their arms.

Ten-million years go by. A visitor enters the room. Hamstring doesn’t recognize him.

“Sorry I’m late,” the visitor says. He is out of breath. “I got lost near the break room. I took a left when I should’ve taken a right and wound up in the catacombs beneath the hospital. You know they keep children down there? I even asked one of the nurses about it and she told me anyone who falls deathly ill before the age of ninety isn’t worth trying to save. So, I guess they just keep them where they’ll end up. Anyways. These are for you.”

The visitor pulls a bouquet of flowers from behind his back and holds them out. They immediately wilt. The visitor frowns and insta-rots. His carcass falls to the tile floor and explodes in a cloud of dust.

Hamstring rips the surgical tubing from his arm. He stands and wobbles slightly as he gains his balance. He awkwardly walks to the window. A vast desert stretches into the distance. A solitary sun sets fire to the world. Below, in the parking lot, tucked in the shallow spaces between the dunes, are rusted car frames. The remnant of an exploded bus is littered with a dozen skeletons. Hamstring turns and walks over to the stereo. He turns it on. Techno music begins to play. And Hamstring dances.

—-

Brian Auspice exists in an impermeable void between time and space. A gazebo entitled “Deep Blue” is being published by Eraserhead Press as part of their 2014 New Bizarro Author Series. 01001010 01101111 01101000 01101110 00100000 01110011 01110101 01100011 01100011 01110101 01101101 01100010 01110011 00101110 http://bauspice.wordpress.com

Halloween Chaos Countdown: Animals Inspired by Satan!

It’s Devil’s Night Bizarros! Time to play some pranks, set fire to shit, and hail Satan! You can even name your cat, dog, or kid, after a demon.

legend-satan-laughing-o

Speaking of animals, here are 6 animals who surely came from the depths of hell or were at least named after The Dark Lord.

1) Ayam Cemani (Gallus gallus domesticus)

This Indonesian chicken is the blackest animal in the world. Even its bones and meat are black!

2) Jacob Sheep (Ovis aries)

jacob sheep

Baphomet incarnate, Jacob sheep can have 2-6 horns and are aggressive enough that they are used as guards in farms.

3) Satanic Leaf Gecko (Uroplatus phantasticus)

satan gecko

Found only in Madagascar, these geckos look a lot like dragons.

dragon

Aside from looking cool, they don’t really do anything demonic. They just use their cool tail which looks like a dead rotting leaf to lure prey.

4) Satanic Nightjar (Eurostopodus diabolicus)Satanic-Nightjar-11

The common and scientific names of this species refer to a local superstition: it is associated with a “wet” plopping sound, repeated twice, that may be heard in the nighttime in its habitat. Locals believe this bird to be a demonic entity that tears the eyes of sleeping people out, hence the sound. [2]

5) Anopheles Mosquito (Anopheles gambiae)

mosquito

Why is a mosquito on this list? Because it’s the deadliest animal in the world. This little bugger spreads malaria which kills over 600,000 people a year!

 6) Blackdevil fish (Melanocetus johnsonii)

black devil

These deepsea anglerfish are monstrous creatures.

“The female lurks in the dark, drawing in prey with her glowing lure, while the male attaches to her like a blood-sucking parasite. Females can swallow prey larger than their own bodies.”

Source

Bonus: Old school documentary on Satan and demonic possession with Boyd Rice singing “Total War” in the intro! A classic!

Blinging Out the Dead: An Interview With Paul Koudounaris

3 more days until Halloween!

Hand of a jeweled skeleton clutching the pommel of sword in Gutenzell.

Hand of a jeweled skeleton clutching the pommel of sword in Gutenzell.

(All photos courtesy of Paul Koudounaris)

Paul

Paul Koudounaris is paranormal catnip. Unexplained and weird phenomena gravitate towards him like death moths to a preternatural flame. He specializes in finding the most unique shrines to the dead which also sometimes end up finding him.

He has extensive knowledge of ossuaries, sex ghosts, charnel houses, weird history, demonic cats, death rituals, funeral rites, and of course, skeletal bling, among many other things. Between travelling to exotic locations, taking stunning pictures of the dead, he also gives lectures on the aforementioned subjects.

close bling

Paul was kind enough to answer a few questions about his unique line of work, paranormal experiences, as well as give some tips on how to buy a human skull!

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Halloween Chaos Countdown: Dark Nursery Rhymes, CIA Experiments, & Creepy Vintage Halloween Kids

4 days until Halloween.

humpty dumpty

(from a Humpty Dumpty horror graphic novel)

Gizmodo has a good article on Project MKultra. It’s pretty creepy.

As are vintage Halloween kids…

Halloween Chaos Countdown: Human Leather, Spooky Videos, & People Pot Pie!

5 days until Halloween!

school

I can’t believe it’s almost Halloween already. And I still have so much spooky shit to show you!

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Halloween Chaos Countdown: Murderous Women of History

6 days until Halloween!

audition

Although there aren’t as many female serial killers as there are male, there’s still quite an extensive list of killer women. Typically, female killers murder lovers, kids, or work as nurses and off their patients in some twisted “angel of mercy” syndrome. Some just do it because they’re sadistic.

Here is a list of some murderous women of history. I had to throw in a couple “classics” as well as some deadly females you may have never heard of before.

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